Jumanji

You know how we sometimes say we'll look back on a dark time in our life and laugh in retrospect? Well, such was the case with the 1995 film version of Jumanji. How were we to know that a dozen odd years later, the CGI animals that had so terrified us and had induced endless nightmares would seem like cuddly Disney animations in comparison to today's true-to-life graphics?

Facetiousness aside, the effects in the film absolutely deserve their due. At the time, Jumanji utilized some of the most advanced CGI technology available. Sure, the visual effects cower in the shadow of more recent digital imagery trailblazers like Avatar, but in the mid-90s that level of realism was almost unfathomable. In the three years between Jurassic Park and Jumanji, I probably slept a total of 12 hours. Heck, even Men in Black gave me nightmares, so just imagine the damage that could be done with a computer-animated stampede of rhinocerouses charging across my screen. Had 3-D technology been available for this movie, I'd have been a goner.

Jumanji originated as a 1981 children's book by Chris Van Allsburg, serving as a sort of cautionary for what can happen when magic-tinged board games go very, very wrong. The 1995 film version adhered largely to the same story, though it did introduce some colorful new grown-up characters like Robin William's wacky woodsman Alan Parrish. The movie tries its best to give us a legitimate backstory for a fantasy tale as it weaves a yarn filled with arbitrary details like a shoe factory, a bully, and a bicycle. If you're not scratching your head yet at this movie-built premise, don't worry: you will be.



To his credit, Robin Williams makes a great man-child. It's what he did best in the 90s, so he was a pretty natural casting choice for the role of Alan Parrish. The movie begins in the 19th century as we watch a pair of fear-stricken young boys bury an ominous looking chest deep in the woods. When one asks the other what happens if someone digs it up, his pal replies darkly, "May God have mercy on his soul." How's that for a bright and cheery beginning?

Fast forward to the late 60s, where middle schooler Alan Parrish faces daily lashings at the hand of a school bully. Alan meddles a bit in production at his father's shoe factory and causes some shake-up. To make matters worse, he gets beat up outside the factory and his bike is stolen by the aforementioned bullies. Just when he thinks his day couldn't sink any further into the annals of adolescent desperation, Alan stumbles upon a dusty drum beat-emitting game box at a construction site.



Alan's father is displeased with him and wants to send him to boarding school, so in typical rational well-thought out childlike fashion, Alan decides to run away. Not, though, before laying into the mysterious game he unearthed earlier that day. Alan's classmate Sarah comes over with his stolen bicycle and the two embark on a game of Jumanji. It's totally creepy, but the kids are getting really into it. When it's Alan's turn, a frightening message appears on the game board: "In the jungle you must wait, until the dice read five or eight." He's then unceremoniously sucked into the veritable vacuum of the Jumanji world, presumably never to be seen again.




Until, that is, a new family moves into the house a quarter century later. Peter and Judy (Kirsten Dunst) are recent orphans on the move with their new guardian, Aunt Nora, but even newcomers like them can sense this house is incredibly sketchy and potentially haunted. Those damned drumbeats start again, reissuing their generation-spanning intoxicating pull over children. Judy and Peter come across the Jumanji board in the attic, and although it's pretty clear to the rest of us that this is the worst idea in the world, they immediately begin playing. I'm not sure why ominous drum beats never seemed like a warning sign to anyone in this movie, only an invitation. Go figure.

As you might expect, things quickly take a turn for the frightening and fantastical. Giant insects and roaming animals take up shop in their home, but the board swears to them it'll all be cool if they just keep playing. Right. Peter rolls a five and Alan's late-60s prophecy is broken, releasing the jungle man back into the civilized confines of his former dwelling. Oh, and there's also a lion. Did I not mention the lion? Because it is terrifying. Even now, it still scares me a little. That thing is growly.



Alan cleans up a bit and does some investigating into his old life, finding that his father searched relentlessly for him throughout the remainder of his life. Now that Peter and Judy have released havoc on their sleepy New Hampshire town, they can't seem to keep the game moving; the board seemingly issues a cease and desist on their gameplay, leaving us to fear this lion-infested world is the new permanent norm. Alan realizes that they've been playing a continuation of the game he played with his friend Sarah, so they go off to seek her out. How exactly a man who was sequestered to the jungle at 12 had such powerful deductive reasoning skills is beyond my grasp, but in a world where gameboards release swarms of killer mosquitoes it seems that anything can happen.

The gang head's over to Sarah's and discover she's become a shut-in, forever reliving the trauma of her Jumanji experience. I'm sure the one thing this Jumanji-traumatized lady wants to do is pick up playing right where she left off and cut her nearly-healed psychological wounds right back open again. Sarah (Bonnie Hunt) is not having it, so they are forced to trick her into playing her turn.



Alan reaches out to Carl, the man his father fired from his factory for Alan's mistake. Carl (David Alan Grier) is now a policeman and is thus pulled in to all of this havoc-wreaking chaos on the town. Here's where things get all sorts of terrifying. We get a full big game jungle stampede, people-snatching giant vines, a long-trapped hunter, and a batty pelican that interferes with their quest to finish the game once and for all. Peter tries to cheat and turns into a monkey, which is a pretty harsh means of teaching kids to practice good sportsmanship. Giant flowers eat police cars, the kids battle the hunter, and things continue to spiral downward at a rapid code red pace.



Our man Alan finally takes the game and cries out with the requisite "Jumanji!" All of the craziness gets sucked back into the game board. After all that scariness, this movie partakes in the ultimate reset button function and sets us all back at zero. Sarah and Alan get to return to 1969 and set everything right. Alan tells his father what he did to Carl, and Mr. Parrish rehires him. Plus, Alan doesn't have to go to boarding school and the Jumanji board is forever buried in the water. Hooray!



Time scoots forward yet again and Alan and Sarah are happily married. As if all of that wrong-righting hadn't been enough, these do-gooders convince Peter and Judy's now still-living parents (did you follow that?) not to take what Alan knew to be their ill-fated skiing trip. I just knew there had to be some impact on that darned space-time continuum.



As we come to end, we find that Jumanji has not, as presumed, been laid to rest. We get our scary drum beats again, and some French girls walking along the beach are mere feet away from the game washed up upon their shore. Just when you thought it was safe, they pull the rug from under you, leaving us to speculate the future terrors that lie ahead in a world where computer animation has grown not only more advanced but progressively more realistically frightening. Yikes.

Child Stars Gone....Good?

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In the midst of the tragedy of Corey Haim's apparent overdose, there's been a lot of speculation out there about child stars "gone bad." The public is endlessly fascinated by watching our favorite fresh-faced young child actors crash and burn in a frenzy of drinking and drug use. Perhaps it's our naturally voyeuristic spirit, but we just can't seem to get enough of these stories that warrant a VH1 voiceover guy intoning humorlessly, "He had everything, and he threw it all away." It seems the price of fame is often paid in a lifetime of indebtedness to a cuteness and innocence they can never recapture as an adult.


But what about those child stars who went the straight and narrow? Certainly there are some child actors out there who went on to become doctors, lawyers, or even non-drug using celebrities? While the temptation to go the Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? route is undeniably tempting, some of the actors we knew and love as children have managed to pull it together and lead relatively normal lives. You know, if your normal life still involved being accosted by now-grown-but-still-screechy devoted fans. They've got to be out there.

Turns out, they are. Just because their once banked-upon child cuteness factor plummets as they grow older doesn't automatically mean they're doomed for a life of listless unhappiness and sporadic drug binges. Some of them get it together with a successful show biz career, while others grow into an unrecognizable version of their celebrity child selves and can walk freely among us as common citizens.

Natalie Portman


Portman first caught mainstream public attention for her roles in Anywhere but Here and the Star Wars prequels, establishing herself as a formidable child actress. She must also have been a formidable student, as she went on to study psychology at Harvard, even serving as Alan Dershowitz's research assistant. Portman has since been heavily involved in environmental and political affairs, proving that she's more than just a tiny pretty face.

Mayim Bialik



Oh, Blossom. You were poised to be such a star, and then you seemed to vanish from the show biz radar entirely. She was so likable in her eponymous role in Blossom, it's not a stretch to imagine her down-to-earthness translated into her real life. Bialik was accepted to both Harvard and Yale but chose to attend UCLA, pursuing a bachelor's in neuroscience, Hebrew, and Jewish studies and later a PhD in neuroscience. As Joey Russo would say, whoa.


Tina Majorino



In the 90s, we knew Majorino for her roles in Corinna, Corinna and Andre, though you may more recently recognize from Big Love, Veronica Mars, and Napoleon Dynamite. Despite her recent dabblings in the biz, she's stayed low key to a point she refers to as the "anti-Lohan."


Anna Paquin



After watching Tatum O'Neil's downward spiral following her childhood Oscar win, it's natural we'd be a bit wary of the future of other children Academy Award recipients. Paquin won her Best Supporting Actress award for The Piano at age 11 and went on to smoothly transition from child actor to adult actor with a steady line of work. I just knew that girl had a good head on her shoulders; I sensed it from when I saw her in Fly Away Home. I would totally trust her to regulate my migration patterns.


Fred Savage, Josh Saviano, Danica McKellar






Let's give a hand to the good people behind The Wonder Years, shall we? These people really knew how to pick 'em. How else do you explain the mostly quiet but relatively normal success of the show's main child stars? Saviano became a lawyer, McKellar a hot mathematician, and Savage went on to mostly behind-the-scenes work. We may not totally be able to forgive him for bringing us Daddy Day Care, but overall this group's alright.


Jeff B. Cohen



I know, I know, the name might not be familiar, but this guy was "Chunk" from The Goonies. He's come a long way since the Truffle Shuffle--he's now an attorney and was named one of the top 35 entertainment executives under 25 by the Hollywood Report.


Neil Patrick Harris



What else would you expect from child prodigy Doogie Howser, MD? Harris has gone on to prove that you can have it all, including an incredibly successful sitcom career, hilarious self-mocking movie cameos, and intro-ing the Oscars vis-a-vis a huge over-the-top musical number. He's also gone on to become a role model for openly gay mainstream actors. Well done, Dr. Howser.


Larisa Oleynik


We may not have expected much from her academically as Bianca in 10 Things, but it turns out Oleynik was secretly more of a Kat in real life. Oleynik attended Sarah Lawrence College, graduating in 2004. I always suspected she was more of a Dawn from The Babysitter's Club than a Bianca, in which case it all adds up pretty well.


Jonathan Taylor Thomas


Jonathan Taylor Thomas was a bona fide teen heartthrob in the 90s, so imagine our surprise to find JTT wasn't all that into the limelight, opting to enroll in college in lieu of continuing on his Tiger Beat-heavy career path. Oh JTT, how little we knew ye. So little, in fact, that many of us had no clue his real name is Jonathan Taylor Weiss. JTW just don't have the same ring to it, though, does it?


Joseph Gordon-Levitt



One of the lucky to smoothly transition from successful child actor to successful teen actor to successful adult actor. He even managed to attend Columbia somewhere in between. Plus, he finally found a haircut that suited him. Very impressive stuff.


Charlie Korsmo

You know, that kid from Hook and the nerdy revenge-seeking kid from Can't Hardly Wait? He went on to pursue a degree in physics froms MIT, graduate Yale Law, and make good as a Young Republican. Not too shabby.


These grown up child stars are living proof that the kids can turn out all right after all. It's comforting to know that not all child stars are headed on an inevitable downward trajectory. Some of them are doing just fine. More than fine, really; many have managed to sustain their level of initial success. The rest of us should only be so lucky.

She's All That

What happens when you take a handful of teen movie tropes and cliches and roll them all into a conveniently packaged single film? Why, you end up with legions of devoted teenage fans a bunch of grumbling and crotchety grown-up film critics, of course. Teen movies like She's All That serve to prove that the divide between teenagers and adults is still alive and kicking. Or, more accurately, alive and breaking spontaneously into over-the-top song and dance numbers set to Fatboy Slim's "Rockafella Skank." Either way, the reactions just don't add up.

In every film-producing generation, adolescents flock to schmaltzy coming-of-age teen flicks that continually leave most adult viewers scratching their heads. It's a bit ironic, of course, that these films are invariably produced and dictated by roomfuls of adults who seek to crack the code of youth culture. They manage to convince us that the story they're telling is indicative of the plight of young people, despite the fact that the only young people involved played no role in the creative decision-making process. Savvy adults issued the call and we 90s teens and tweens were more than happy to answer.

All youth cultural analysis aside, She's All That swiftly ascended to the rank of widely accepted canonical teen movie. That is, mainstream teenagers in the 90s absolutely ate this film up. I mean, really, would you expect anything less from the director who went on to spearhead projects like From Justin to Kelly? Its monumental success was practically inscribed.

She's All That is loosely based on George Bernard Shaw's 1913 play Pygmalian, the same play that formed the basis of the 1956 Broadway musical My Fair Lady. In case you didn't follow that, the movie was a reinvention of a play based on an older play based on a Cypriot myth, only to later be remade into a musical play that was later made into a movie. That's right, we just can't get enough of these I-bet-I-can-make-that-social-outcast-chick-passably-popular productions.

They teach us such valuable and morally astute life lessons, it's no wonder we like them so much. For example, from She's All That I gleaned that beneath the surface of every pretty girl wearing glasses lies a pretty girl not wearing glasses. I'm going to go out a limb here, but it seemed the message has been diluted just a bit since the Pygmalian story debuted as an ancient Cypriot myth.



BMOC Zack (Freddie Prinze Jr.) is one of the top-performing students in his class, also boasting class presidency and several sports team captainships. He is, of course, also dating the most gorgeous girl in school. Or at least, he was, until she met a self-promoting douchenozzle of a Real World cast member during a Spring Break trip to Daytona. Yes, that's right: Taylor dumps Zack for the dyslexic volleyball player that got voted out of the house. Bummer.

Meanwhile, offbeat social outcast Laney (Rachael Leigh Cook) is classified by her peers as an artsy freak because electrical impulses occasionally run through her brain and she likes to paint. How enlightened.



Zack's buddy Dean bets him that Zack can't turn any girl in the school into the prom queen. It's a pretty quick development, but since our entire plot hinges on it, we've got to go along for the ride. Laney bites it on the pavement right in front of their bet selection panel and thus becomes the chosen one for this twisted though admittedly entertaining high school social experiment.



Laney wants nothing to do with Zack's suspiciously friendly advances, but she just can't say no when he accosts her at work in the falafel shop. She does what any normal girl would do in this situation, which is to invite Zack to accompany her to a quirky performance art piece complete with little blue people and a writhing Alexis Arquette chanting, "Be silent, be still." Naturally, Zack gets invited onstage and improvises a hacky sack-driven expose on the life of a golden boy. Deep.



Zack invites Laney to the beach, everyone suddenly realizes she's incredibly attractive, and she undergoes an impromptu makeover courtesy of Zack's sister. Like in any teen movie, it takes about 3 minutes flat to transform Laney from the sort of ugly duckling you're always hearing about on your Farmville newsfeed to a totally hot swan. Just like real life, right?




We get some Sixpence None the Richer, Laney makes her comic entrance and ta-da! Transformation complete. They head to a party jam-packed with the high school elite and everything seems to be going just great until Zack's ex Taylor publicly humiliates Laney. All of Zack's sister's amateur haircutting skills are no match for Taylor's vicious wrath.

Fast forward a bit and Laney's in the running for prom queen. Dean pulls out all the villainous stops by beating Zack to the punch of asking Laney to the prom. We get our requisite dance number, Zack is the prom king, but all is not well in promland. Dean has plans to put the moves on Laney at a hotel after the dance. Zack hears the news and frantically tries to stop the unfolding of these most unfortunate events.



Laney doges Dean's lecherous advances and Zack eventually catches up with her at her house. He confesses everything, including revelations about the bet and his undoubtedly true love for her, and we all learn a valuable lesson. Especially Zack, who learns that losing a bet means you have to appear nude at graduation in front of the entire commencement crowd.Tough break.




It might not be real life, but we'll take it. So what if Usher never DJed our high school radio station or our classmates never made Greco-Roman mythological style bets about our makeover skills? That's what makes it so entertaining. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get a professionally-trained dance crew together. I think I just heard the opening beat of "Rockafella Skank."

Memorable 90s Oscar Moments

In honor of this weekend's forthcoming premier awards show, I thought we might pay some homage to memorable Oscar moments of 90s past. Feel free to wax poetic on your personal favorite Oscar incidences in the comments section. We've got a lot of ground to cover here, so let's jump right in:



Angelina Jolie Kisses her Brother



Yes, yes, I know this happened in 2000, but bear with me here. It was one of those moments that was so utterly appalling we just can't get it out of our minds, even 10 years down the road. Angelina's certainly come a long way from her bad goth-girl Girl, Interrupted days. In her current do-gooder philanthropist/ambassador state, she's almost unrecognizable as that chick who once made out with her brother at the year's biggest award show. Well, unless you watch the above video to remind you.



Billy Crystal Montages


Oscar Intro 1997 Billy Crystal
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Who doesn't love a good cheesy introductory Oscar montage? As a kid, I thought these things were pretty hilarious, and I'm only partially embarrassed to admit I still find it pretty funny. At the time, it was a cutesy but entertaining idea: Billy Crystal inserts himself into various pieces of the Best Picture nominee films. We even get a crazy "UMA, OPRAH, OPRAH, UMA" cameo from Dave Letterman, but more on that later. All in all, not a bad intro. I've seen worse, believe me.



Christopher Reeve's 1996 Appearance


We give out a lot of standing ovations, but here's an example of an undeniably well-deserved one; it truly was an inspirational moment. Reeve urged Hollywood to further tackle difficult social issues and use their media as a means of exploring exploring them. They managed to keep his appearance a surprise up until the final moment, and his words moved many audience members to tears. All in all, a truly heartwarming moment.



James Cameron's "I'm the King of the World!" Speech



Cameron was clearly over the moon upon receiving his Best Director Academy Award, feeling the only reaction was to whoop and holler and quote a corny line from his wildly popular movie. Some people thought it to be overly boastful, but it seems more likely that he was just really, really excited. Whatever the reason, the clip was rebroadcast innumerable times; there's a reason we still remember it today. Who knows what he'll yelp if he takes one home for Avatar. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll just show up in a seven-foot tall blue costume, but there's only so much we can hope for.



Gwenyth Paltrow's Tearful Best Actress Speech



Paltrow took home an Oscar in 1998 for her work in Shakespeare in Love. Her work in the movie was certainly commendable, but her performance at the Oscars probably takes the cake. I'm not doubting that her tears were sincere, but good Lord were there a lot of them. Paltrow sobbed throughout her entire speech. Everyone seemed a little unsure of how to react to her ceaseless river of tears, but she eventually managed to wrap it up. I imagine they needed to do some serious stage mopping during that next commercial break.



Tom Hanks Accidentally Outs His Closeted Gay Teacher


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Tom Hanks was great in Philadelphia and his acceptance speech was certainly gracious. In a well-intentioned move, he thanked his high school drama teacher Mr. Farnsworth and one of his classmates, lauding them as great gay Americans. It was a kind move, but unbeknownst to Hanks, he inadvertently outed his still-closeted teacher. The story actually inspired the movie In & Out, but I can imagine Hanks felt more than a little apologetic about the very public snafu.



Uma, Oprah, Oprah, Uma



Speaking of awkward moments, this one definitely belongs toward the top of the list. Host David Letterman pulled out this bit in 1995, leading to years of speculation of some sort of feud with reigning talk show queen Oprah. Watching the clip, it seems the joke is about their unusual names, as Dave asks, "Have you met Keanu?" Still, it was not a super comfortable moment for anyone involved, including the audience.



Cuba Gooding Jr Wins Best Supporting Actor


Cuba Gooding Jr. Oscar Acceptance Speech
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It was tough not to be happy for this guy. He seemed so genuine, so likable in his role in Jerry Maguire that we just couldn't help but root for him. Gooding managed to come across the same way in his speech, though it did get a bit over the top with him yelling over the producers desperately trying to play him out with the requisite "get-off-the-stage" music. It was obviously a high point for him, though. Any of us who ever saw Boat Trip can definitely attest to this.



Michael Jackson Shows Up with Madonna



First of all, how awesome do Mary Hart and Pat O'Brien look in this clip? So 1991. At the time, the public was abuzz about Michael Jackson and Madonna's Oscar "date". It seemed more like a well-orchestrated publicity move; the two were both incredibly famous and were working on a duet together, so it may have seemed like a logical step. Madonna ditched Michael at the Spago after-party, though, to engage in some heavy petting with Warren Beatty. Ick. I didn't even make that up...that's exactly how People magazine described it.



Jack Palance Does Push-Ups


You know what? If I can do one-armed push-ups at age 73, you'd better bet I'd pull out that age-defying party trick in the most public arena available. Jack Palance accepted his Best Supporting Actor award with a series of one-handed pushups, leading Crystal to joke later in the broadcast that Palance had just bungee jumped off the Hollywood sign. After seeing his impressive show of athleticism, I wouldn't doubt it.



Matt and Ben win for Best Original Screenplay



How can you not find these guys just a little endearing? Their friendship and teamwork, their youth and enthusiasm, it was all more than enough to make us want to root for their inevitable Hollywood success. Plus, they gave Cuba Gooding Jr. a little shout-out for "showing [them] how to give an acceptance speech." Aww.



Marisa Tomei Wins for Best Actress


(My bad--I couldn't find an embeddable clip of her accepting the Oscar. Just enjoy the clip of her in the movie, instead. She's adorable.)

Talk about an underdog story. No one ever expected Tomei to actually win the award for which she had been nominated. Her performance as the sassy, brassy Italian girlfriend in My Cousin Vinny was undoubtedly commendable, but she was up against a group of far more experienced actresses in more serious roles. Tomei's win came as such a shock that it led to a series of speculation that presenter Jack Palance had actually read the wrong name and issued the award to her by mistake. Snopes declares this to be a myth; the Academy was allowed a sense of humor now and then.



We can't foresee what great and memorable moments will unfold at this year's ceremony, but there's always something. Who knows? It may even be as shocking as Tomei's Best Actress coup or as endlessly sobstruck as Paltrow's teary acceptance. We can only dream.

90s Underdog Sports Movies

Because most of us aren't Olympic-caliber athletes and will never earn multimillion dollar contracts with professional sports franchises, the underdog story tends to speak to us on a personal level. When it does, it's saying something like, "You may not be talented, but with this level of drive and determination you can outshine all of those people with legitimate athletic ability." It's like a small way of keeping the dream alive. As a child you may have fantasized about playing in the NBA or being an Olympic gold-medal gymnast, but when puberty ended and you were either 5'1'' or 6''7 respectively, you may have had to adjust your dreams slightly. Actually, the short guy might have just wanted to trade with the tall guy, and you may have been gone on to great success in living out the other's wildest calisthenic desires.

The underdog story strikes a special chord with all of us, regardless of how successful we are in our current endeavors. At one point or another, every one of us has had at least a brief taste of hopelessness and self doubt. If our lives worked like the movies, we would see these feelings as our cue to grow and learn and eventually beat out our anonymously evil opponent, but unfortunately real life doesn't play out that way. That's precisely what makes the theme so attractive to us in film: it gives us a sliver of hope that we may someday achieve our indefinitely improbable dream.

Who doesn't like to root for the underdog? I once almost won the jackpot in a March Madness pool by picking a solid lineup of underdogs. At the time, I had no knowledge of college basketball, so I based my strategy solely on my knowledge of cheesy, heartwarming sports cinema. For awhile, it was really working for me, too. If only things had ended up as well for the teams I'd chosen as they had for say, the Mighty Ducks, I would have been a temporarily rich woman.

While not always probable, these stories help us get through the hard times. Or at the very least, they test our crying reflexes. Some of these warrant a full Kleenex multi-pack. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Mighty Ducks



I still can't believe this is sitting steady at 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. It's a 90s classic. Its many many sequels and franchising opportunities tell the real story; we didn't necessarily need a critically acclaimed movie to rush out and buy oodles of licensed merchandise. We would settle for a standard underdog story. Our consumerism isn't too picky.

Rudy

RUDY - Feature Film Trailer from Edgar Faarup on Vimeo.

Rudy is truly one of those classic underdog movies. Even just watching the trailer gets me all riled up against everyone who told Rudy that his dreams were impossible. Granted, they were probably right. Like the groundskeeper remarks, he's 5 foot nothin' and weighs a hundred and nothin', plus he has no real aptitude for athletics. None of that is enough to deter Rudy, though, bless his heart. He's a pretty persistent guy.

Good thing, too, because he's become an enduring inspiration to us 90s kids. It wouldn't work as well if he'd thrown in the proverbial towel, no matter how sweaty he'd gotten it. If this movie didn't make you cry, maybe nothing will. It's a real tears-of-joy kind of flick.

The Sandlot



This movie is just brimming with quotable one-liners and pure, kid-driven heart. It's a sweet movie filled with ragtag misfits that separates itself from the pack of underdogs by not focusing so heavily on winning or losing. What's more important, it seems, is just being a kid. And avoiding certain death at the jaws of a savage English Mastiff. You know, the usual.


A League of their Own



I don't care what the degree of odds stacked against you as a professional female baseball player: there is absolutely no crying in baseball. I checked all of the rulebooks and Jimmy Dugan is absolutely right. No crying. Even if you're a Rockford Peach and have thin skin.



Hoop Dreams



Alas, proof that the heartstring-tugging underdog story isn't always fictional. Hoop Dreams is a documentary, but it's really only about basketball on a surface level. Like many documentaries, it gets to the heart of issues including race and societal values. The movie follows two kids for six years (8th grade to college) as they progress in their athletic careers, and these filmmakers captured more drama and tension than that found in fictional screenplays. In short, it's a great movie. If you haven't already, your homework assignment is to watch it. Report back on Monday.

Ladybugs



Cross-dressing movies are inherently funny, right? I haven't seen this one in ages, but as I kid I was pretty certain it was knee-slappingly hilarious. A clueless Rodney Dangerfield (is there any other kind?) ends up coaching a girls' soccer team and enlists his soon-to-be stepson as one of the players. I had a huge crush on Jonathan Brandis, so I watched this movie probably 30 times. Consecutively. I'm still not over his death. Anyway, back to the movie: adults probably found it pretty hit or miss, but it was child-directed comedic gold.


Mystery, Alaska


There are so many characters in this movie, it's almost tough to tell who's the underdog. The movie essentially takes a stand against things that are fairly easy to take a stand against: evil big corporations, people who cheat on their spouses, sleazy television producers; it's not a huge leap to get us on board with it all. The big hockey game almost feels like a secondary plot in this one, though, so it didn't earn as much fanfare as its underdog-rooting cinematic peers.


Major League


Cut me a little slack here; this one came out in 1989, but it has all the classic makings of a 90s underdog story. Even that trailer follows the misfit montage to a T. Unlike some of the other movies on this list, Major League actually manages to be funny while executing its hackneyed storyline. We're willing to forgive the cliches because it's a genuinely entertaining film. Plus, Charlie Sheen plays Charlie Sheen. That's so unlike him.

The Cutting Edge


Okay, okay, I admit. I have a weakness for incredibly cheesy sports movies. As far as sports films go, this is pretty much as girly as it gets. At least this film throws another standard cliche into the mix: the mismatched-but-inevitably-suited-for-romance partnership. The spoiled Muffy and tough-guy meathead are clearly meant to be together from the beginning, but the fun of the movie is in watching the tribulations of their initial togetherness. Spoiler alert: They win, and they get together. I'm sure you're shocked.


Little Giants


Wow, how young is Ed O'Neill in that trailer?

I loved this movie as a kid, but looking at it now it's obvious it's about as by the books as you can get with an underdog story. It's like the writers took every Bad News Bears-style cliche from every kids' sports film ever made and synthesized them into a single film. They may well have named it, Generic Cliched Sports Film: Children's Edition. Even with its weaknesses, it appeals well to children. Anyone over the age of 10 may not be quite so generous with their reviews, unless they had a real thing for Devon Sawa. I know I did.


It goes to show that films don't need originality to entertain us. They can usually make up for it with a hearty dose of feeding our delicate psyches the reinforcement and reassurance it needs to delude us into thinking we can achieve the impossible. Don't get me wrong. Dream big, and all that. We don't watch movies to remind us of our own shortcomings; we watch movies to escape from the mundane trials of daily life. For the most part, it works too. Assuming the little guy wins, that is.

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Who wouldn't want to show up all of their formerly contemptuous classmates at their ten-year high school reunion by pulling up in a flashy car and wrongfully claiming to have invented post-it notes? At the time of Romy and Michele's release we may not have totally understood their impulse to lie, but as time pushes us closer in sync with their panicked 28-year old state of mind their motive comes into focus. No matter what you're doing, it's not a huge leap to assume most of us wish we had something a little more impressive to show for ourselves. Particularly when it comes to showing up those mean girls and jerky boys from high school.

We may have assumed we'd have earned a wealth of bragging rights by this point, but most of us haven't even gotten so far as just achieving plain old wealth itself. High school reunions hold a mirror to our lives that reflects a picture of ourselves we may not be completely proud of. You think you're doing alright and BAM! An opportunity arises to showcase your accomplishments and you realize you've squandered the last few years partying and spending your paychecks on shoes. Not exactly the picture you hoped to paint 10 years post-graduation.

This is a movie that only gets funnier as we get older. Many of us found it humorous as children, but the jokes ring far truer the more frequently we face similar situations. Our experiences may not be on the same scale as Romy and Michele's, but there have been countless moments of shining clarity during which I realized at the rate I'm going my college education won't pay for itself for another 5 years. Or when I'd run into an old friend who was becoming an astrophysicist or Planeteer or something equally impressive and I found my own experiences just werent adding up. Whatever the circumstances, most of us have been there. I only wish Michele hadn't already come up with that whole "I invented Post-Its" thing before I got to it. That could have been a killer embellishment for my resume.

Objectively speaking Romy and Michele are losers, but the more I consider my own lackluster autobiography the more I want to come to their defense and say they're doing just fine. Deep-voiced Romy's a low-tier employee at a local Jaguar dealership and bubbly Michele's unemployed, but their collective self-concept is disproportionately positive. In their eyes, they're two good-looking single girls living it up in LA, but to the world they're just a pair of ditsy airheads with no money, no boyfriends, and a penchant for gorging on Doritos and gummy bears.



The girls are former high school outcasts who remain best friends and roommates ten years post-high school. Their self-confidence borders on delusional when you consider their less than enviable lifestyle, but you get the feeling that they truly believe their lives are near-perfect. They watch chick flicks, chow down on candy, wear outrageous outfits, and go clubbing every night. Now that I think about it, that actually sounds pretty good to me. I'm almost willing to swap if I got to wear that ridiculous feather-laden jacket Michele's got on.



They're forced to reconsider their confidence after Romy has a run-in with former classmate Heather Mooney. Heather, an offbeat teen, grew into a high-powered successful businesswoman cashing in on her ludicrous invention of the super-fast burning cigarette. Heather clues Romy in on the upcoming 10-year reunion in Tucson, and Romy and Michele are initially fairly pumped about their chance to reconnect with their former peers. That is, until they realize just how unimpressive and mundane their current lives are. At 28, they're possibly less accomplished that they were at 18. Not exactly how they'd anticipated greeting the A-Crowd 10 years down the line.


We're treated to a series of reminisces and flashbacks of Michele and Romy's horrendously awkward high school days. The aptest part of the film is that regardless of how others may have perceived you in high school, most of us felt like this at one time or another. Teenagers are in an ongoing state of emotional insecurity, meaning most of us can relate (albeit on a smaller scale) to the daily humiliations and tribulations of the adolescent Romy and Michele characters. We may not have been humiliated at prom or had refrigerator magnets surreptitiously and maliciously stuck to our scoliosis braces, but for the most part we got the gist of their disappointments.






Romy and Michele resolve to lose weight, find boyfriends, and land killer jobs. They seem vaguely aware that if those things had been as easily attainable as they'd thought they'd probably have achieved them by now. Perhaps, though, as Romy speculates, they'd just never really tried. Two weeks seems like a reasonable goal, so they decide to go for it.



All of their last-ditch efforts fall to pieces, leaving them no choice but faking it in lieu of making it. Despite what seems to be their total ineptitude at life, they're actually pretty competent budding fashionistas. They make themselves high-powered business suits, borrow a Jag from Romy's employer, and come up with the brilliant back-story that they were the inventors of Post-It notes. Because, you know, they're businesswomen. That's what businesswomen do. They are businesswomen. Businesswomen.

Oh, and in case you missed it, they're businesswomen:



Things turn sour quickly, though, as the girls begin to bicker about their ill-fated scheme. The two have a falling out and we segue into a drawn-out and well-executed dream sequence about the reunion. The popular A-crowd girls are there in matching shiny pastel suits, all having achieved their wildest ambitions. Michele blows them away with an incredibly convincing-sounding description of his discovery of Post-It adhesive, Romy heads off with popular Billy Christiansen, and Michele encounters the once-nerdy but now-billionaire Sandy Frink.



We find it was all a dream and cut to the real reunion, where things don't go quite as they'd, well, dreamed. The A-crowd girls aren't super overachievers, but most of them are pregnant and sanctimonious. Heather exposes Romy's lie about her success, and everyone's pretty much back in their old high school roles. Except for maybe Sandy Frink, who really did turn out to be a billionaire. Not too shabby.

Romy and Michele scratch their plans, get into their signature outfits, and confront the bratty A-crowd girls. Romy tells them off, telling the girls that she and Michele don't care what they think anymore. The A-crowd tries to retaliate by mocking our girls' clothes, but they don't get too far. Turns out the one nice popular girl, Lisa, works for Vogue. Once I got over the fact she was the evil almost-stepmother from The Parent Trap, I was almost able to like her.



We're treated to a hefty dose of "Just Be Yourself!" and the girls perform one of the weirdest-ever interpretive dances caught on film to-date (set to "Time after Time"). Heather even confronts the cowboy from her high school smoking sessions, and turns out he's got a thing for her. Who knew? Our girls are brimming with pride and happiness, and it turns out they were okay just the way they were after all. Billy Christiansen, now married to Christy, shows himself as a cheating scumbag. Christy gets her comeuppance, Sandy gets his due, and the girls get a hearty endorsement for their clothing line from both a Vogue editor and billionaire investor (Sandy, again). Romy and Michele open their own clothing boutique stocked with their signature designs, and all's well that ends well. Because it all ends well, you see.





The original movie may have been fluffy, but it seems like a dense dissertation when you compare it to the made-for-TV sequel. Which, strangely, co-stars Katherine Heigl. If you're ever feeling a bit anti-intellectual for loving Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, here's a surefire cure. Just watch the follow-up. You'll be back to feeling like a Rhodes scholar in no time.

Romeo + Juliet

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There's no better way to tick off the purists than to come up with some newfangled punk rock version of their treasured masterpiece and market it to teenagers. Really, nothing will get these staunch traditionalists fuming like the infusion of popular youth culture into their beloved classics. It seems their assessment of art as timeless isn't always compatible with timeliness. Sure, they might think it nice to renew an entire generation's appreciation for classical drama, but I doubt they were on board with the assertive trendiness of it all.

If you're going to fiddle with the original, chances are your resultant work will be pretty divisive. Some people are just more open to change than others. In the case of 90s adolescents, though, I the probability was far greater that they were more open to the notion of Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. Throw in a couple of attractive young stars and teenagers are willing to overlook the fact that it's the same book they've been struggling with in their 9th grade English class. Pump up the rock music loud enough and we can just about tune out the iambic pentameter altogether.


The whole thing plays out sort of like a fast-paced music video, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It might sound like Shakespeare lite, but director Baz Luhrman sticks pretty firmly to the original verse. If he'd reworked the script into slangy teenspeak-addled fluff, the effect wouldn't be quite so jarring. Instead, Luhrman simply plucks the Shakespearean characters from their Verona setting and conveniently deposits them in the surreal modern Miami-area Verona Beach. We've got guns, we've got fast cars, and we've got more "thees" and "thous" than we know what to do with. Luhrman throws the 16th and 20th centuries in a blender and gave us a delicious (and to be honest, occasionally fruity) mixture of new and old.

Like I said, it wasn't for everybody. It may not have been your particular vial of poison. Whatever your personal taste, you have to admit that it quickly morphed into a cultural phenomenon. It's hard to think of a Shakespearean tragedy as emblematic of young people in the 90s, but Luhrman's iconic updated adaptation seemed to pull it off. It was almost aggressively hip with its attractive young stars, loud music, and a drag queen Mercutio. In short, it struck a chord with young people because we had a lot in common with the film: it was the same thing people have enjoyed for generations, but it still managed to piss off adults. It was the story of our lives. You know, minus the whole star cross'd lovers bit.



Watch that trailer and tell me you don't find it just a tiny bit cool. Even critics have got to grudgingly concede that Luhrman managed to put a uniquely trendy spin on the original. It takes some pretty flowy creative juices to cast the Capulets and Montagues into gangs feuding over corporate industry turf. They may not be able to dance like their West Side Story counterparts, but they make up for it with a wealth of dramatic violence. With their sword-brand guns, of course.

The movie opens with a newscaster reporting on the star-crossed lovers, quickly segueing into a quick-paced montage of our main characters. We meet the Montagues and Capulets, but they're not quite the families we remmber from English class:


Romeo + Juliet Opening
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Things slow down a bit when our heroes get their requisite cinematic meet-cute at a masquerade party. They spot each other across an aquarium, and plunge immediately into headstrong, family-defying love. Claire Danes looks ethereal and beautiful, and Leo looks every bit as handsome as in any of his many 90s Bop! magazine appearances. It's all very romantic and subdued, especially when compared to the rest of the film's breakneck sense of urgency.



To anyone who's read or even heard of the play, what's in store for our doomed lovers doesn't come as much of a surprise. Juliet is betrothed to Paris, who doesn't seem like such a punishment when you consider he's played by Paul Rudd. Actually the casting choices in general always sort of amused me. I like Brian Dennehy as Romeo's father, but it always sort of odd to think that Romeo and Tommy Boy have the same dad. But alas, I digress. Juliet and Father Laurence hatch what they think to be a foolproof plan, but Romeo misunderstands and presumes Juliet dead. In this version, she actually wakes up and sees him after he took the poison. It's all very serious and somber until Claire Danes breaks into the fakest crying I have ever heard in my life. I love the movie and I'm a fan of Claire Danes, but that just can't go without mention. It's criminally bad.




This has become something of a love-it or hate-it kind of movie. When it came out, I loved it without question. It was edgy and cool and the cameras moved all over the place really really fast, so I was pretty sure it spoke to me on a personal level. To view it more objectively now in the more boring and analytical adult sense, I see where people find fault. I'd say if you're a naturally critical person or a purist, there's not a lot of wiggle room for liking this one. Conversely, if you're the type who is more willing to get caught up in the moment, it's far likelier you're a fan.

Romeo + Juliet performed well in theaters despite the mixed reviews. Some critics praised the film's originality and talented young stars. Others were not quite so won over by the film. Roger Ebert went so far as to remark, "The desperation with which it tries to 'update' the play and make it 'relevant' is greatly depressing." If anything, this might have just make us love the movie with greater ferocity. After all, isn't that the definitive sign of youth culture? If adults hate something, teenagers have an automatic responsibility to love it. If Romeo and Juliet could act against their parents' disapproval, the least we could do was pay homage by liking Luhrman's version.

Beethoven

Kid's movies have a unique way of defining villains. They eliminate that pesky gray area between right and wrong and give us a starkly black and white portrait of morality. They also wrap up everything into a neatly PG-rated package and tie it with an age-appropriate bow. While real life bad guys are out there engaging in acts of sociopathic lunacy, our ever-reliable children's movie villains are trying to kidnap suburban housepets for scientific experimentation purposes. You've got to hand it to these writers; they have an uncanny way of shifting the bad guy from a reprehensible scum of the earth to one deserving of a time-out and dessert withholding.

Such in the phenomenon in Beethoven, where the worst offense a character could commit is to be a naughty veterinarian hell-bent on neighborhood puppy domination. The movie conveniently scales everything down a bit, putting the plot at child eye-level. It's a scary enough world out there without filmmakers planting night terror-inducing concepts in the minds of impressionable children. Instead, it's best to keep things simple. An adult might not buy it, but a child will be able to sleep better at night if their worst imaginable nemesis is a puppy kicker rather than a mass murdering psychopath.

Beethoven captures the simplicity of an ideal children's movie. Sure, it's got it's fair share of adult characters and parental story lines, but it mainly focuses on the exploits of a mischievous but ultimately heroic dog. Rather than trying to woo us with flashy graphics and special effects, it gives our heatstrings a deliberate tug through the cunning use of adorable oversized animals. All in all, some pretty effective methodology.



The film opens on a St. Bernard's daring escape from the clutches of the aforementioned unrelentingly evil veterinarian. The puppy finds shelter in a quiet suburban neighborhood, much to delight of the household's children. The Newton parents aren't quite on board with it, but it's tough to resist those little puppy dog eyes. He responds positively to one of the kids playing Beethoven's Fifth on the piano and earns the moniker Beethoven. Let the games begin.

Beethoven quickly launches in a montage of memorable and iconic St. Bernard moments. So memorable, in fact, that recently when I mentioned a St. Bernard to my mother she said, "Oh, I don't like that kind of dog. They always get all wet and shake the water off all over the bed." To which I responded, "Are you sure you're not just thinking of that scene in Beethoven? I'm pretty sure that's what you're talking about." She conceded, though she didn't eliminate the possibility that this was simply par for the course with St. Bernard behavior. If you happen to own one, let me know if this in-bed dry off is a standard St. Bernardism. Either way, the movie obviously had quite the impact on our impression of large dogs.



While Beethoven can be destructive, he's got his charms as well. He assists the oldest daughter in conversation with the guy she likes and comes to rescue of the other siblings in respective dangerous situations. It looks like he's a keeper, despite his ever-expanding proportions.

Unfortunately, his unsuspecting owners aren't privy to the evil veterinarian's plan to dognap their newest and largest family member. Because in the world of movies, there's apparently only one veterinarian in the whole town, our trusting family just happens to take Beethoven to the evil guy for a check up. That's right, the same evil guy Beethoven escaped from at the beginning of the movie. The vet tells the Newtons that St. Bernards are prone to attack, thus planting the seed for further animal cruelty-related trickery later in the movie.

There's a whole story going on with some business people who are trying to rip off the Newtons through a shady deal, but Beethoven yet again proves he's worth the Costco-proportioned amounts of food they feed him daily. He drags the couple around on the ground, they're all pretty angry, the deal is off. Nice work, pup.


Our evil vet Varnick returns to the Newton's house, because apparently this guy lives and breathes the capture of a single St. Bernard in a town populated with thousands of other dogs. I guess these experiments require a uniquely Beethoven quality, because Varnick is relentless in his pursuit. He pretends he's just checking in, only to stage a bogus dog attack. The kids are suspicious, but the adults acquiesce to Varnick's demand that Beethoven be euthanized.

Mr. Newton has a heart after all, and decides the family should go after Beethoven and put a stop to his imminent death. Varnick tries to play them, saying that the dog has been put to sleep, but our heroic family doesn't fall for it. The Newtons surreptitiously follow Varnick to the sketchy facility where he performs his illicit pet experiments. They save Beethoven, the cops arrest Varnick, and the family takes in a pack of other dogs freed from Varnick's clutches. Cheesy, yes, but heartwarming too.

If you've somehow managed to repress this movie or just never got around to seeing it, here's your chance. Behold, Beethoven in 5 seconds via The Guy with the Glasses


The ORIGINAL Beethoven In 5 Seconds - Funny videos are here

Of course, the story doesn't end here. If you head to video store (I'm not sure they still even exist, but just come with me on this one) you'll see rows and rows of Beethoven movies, including innumerable sequels and an animated series. Here's the direct follow up that still features most of the original cast, before they start with the subpar direct-to-video crap.



The movie's simplicity and kid appeal was more than enough to both win us over and make us yearn for a similarly valiant pet. I can't imagine the sheer number of children who left this movie begging their parents to please, please, please let them have a dog. Most of us were probably banking on the off chance that our future fluffy friend would aid in uncovering a ring of experiment-based animal abuse, so we may have been setting our expectations a bit too high. Still, though, there's something innately reassuring about a world where the worst crime a person could commit is to steal a dog or two. It may not have been the most realistic worldview, but it allowed us a slightly extended age of cinematic innocence. Thanks, Ivan Reitman. This almost makes me want to forgive you for scaring the bejeezus out of my childhood self with Ghostbusters.

Encino Man

What are you supposed to do if you're not popular, the girl you like doesn't know you exist, and your best friend is an offbeat loser? Why, unearth a prehistoric man and pass him off as your cool foreign exchange student, of course. I can't even imagine there are any other solutions to this problem. It's pretty much live-in caveman buddy or bust.

1992's Encino Man passes off this storyline like it's a completely valid way to make friends and/or influence high school people. Yes, sometimes in movies we have to suspend our disbelief, but Encino Man plays it like this premise makes perfect sense. It's one thing to concede that a rozen movie caveman can be reanimated, but on another level entirely to believe that the discovery of this caveman will lead to instant high school popularity. There are just so many points that don't add up. Why couldn't Dave just be a hero for discovering the caveman? Why did he have to cover it up? Why would having a non-English speaking exchange student make you the coolest kid in school? My mind is still reeling over that one.



I adored this movie as a kid, but after watching it as an adult I'm just in awe of how little effort the filmmakers seem to be putting forth. It's like even they know it's crap. I understand it's a low budget film, but there are a lot of scenes where it feels like they're not even trying. Never mind that the research they conducted on cavemen seems to be a little lax. It's like they were trying to stage a scene, going around the room and asking for the crew members to shout out examples of things cavemen do, and then having Brendan Fraser act out those things. "Make cave drawings!" "Start a fire with two sticks!" "Okay, great, that's enough suggestions, everyone. We're just going to have him do those two things repeatedly. I know we could probably look up cavemen in the encyclopedia and see if they have any other traits, but our film budget doesn't cover the cost of the "C" volume and I don't have a library card."

Encino Man was also the film debut of the much-maligned Pauly Shore, who at the time was hosting his own MTV show Totally Pauly. Shore's brand of comedy is at best confusing and at worst grating on par with nails on a chalkboard. He has a one-note schtick involving using strange inflection and unusual variations of words, offering up such questionable colloquial gems as "buff chillage" and "fresh nugs". Don't try to think about it too hard, you'll just get a headache. As kids, not all of us were aware of how universally annoying Shore was and regrettably took up his speech patterns for awhile. Thankfully, our foray into Shore-esque chillage usually only lasted for a few weeks and then it was out of our collective systems.

The movie stars Sean Astin and Pauly Shore as a pair of geeky high schoolers in Encino, California. Dave (Astin) desperately wants to be cool, but can't seem to figure it out. In an attempt to raise his social stock, Dave decides he's going to dig a pool. Again, a perfectly logical leap. I'm sure he's totally capable of installing a full-size swimming pool despite his lack of knowledge of local zoning laws or tiling procedures. It's pretty clear this was the only set-up they could think of for the kids to find their caveman without any adults finding out about it. But I digress. Dave and Stoney (Shore) discover a cavemen buried in a block of ice and conveniently leave it on a heater. I wonder what will happen next?

Of course, Stoney and Dave come back to find melted ice and the caveman tearing up their house and painting primitive animals on everything. They give him a mini-makeover and suddenly he's their best buddy Link. Get it? Evolutionary humor is so witty. Anyway, Dave somehow manages to convince his parents that this is the exchange student they never agreed to hosting, Linkovitch Chomofsky of Estonia. I guess hosting ol' Linkovitch is nothing compared to having to deal with Stoney every night:



Miraculously, their plan works and all of their classmates think Link is incredibly cool. We never really find out why, though we're supposed to believe it has to do with his rockin' style and prehistoric good looks. All the girls go crazy for that, clearly:



Dave is trying to hook up with Robyn, and there's a whole romantic storyline that makes about as much sense as the rest of it. Robyn's unquestionably evil boyfriend Matt is displeased at the situation, but somewhere along the way Robin ends up asking Link to prom. There are a bunch of little scuffles at this point, culminating in Matt's vowed vengeance on Link and Dave. Matt tracks down some photos of Dave and Stoney posing with Link in his original caveman form and is determined to tell the school what a freak he is. Um, a few things here. First, why did they take pictures of themselves with Link as a caveman and just leave them strewn about haphazardly? Second, wouldn't Link's freakiness come second to the news that he's, well, a caveman?

We all learn the valuable lesson of Be Yourself, and Stoney, Dave, and Link are the coolest guys at the prom. How could they not be, with dance moves like these?



Robyn and Dave work it out and begin their fledgling romance at Dave's after-prom party. At the party, they discover Link's prehistoric girlfriend bathing in the bathtub, effectively closing our story with many questions. Where did she come from? How did she get unfrozen? Who taught her how to turn on the hot water and employ the necessary nudity-cover bubble bath?

It's best not to ponder these questions too much. Encino Man is supposed to be fun, and that's what it is. It never pretends to be deep or layered. It doesn't even pretend to be good. It's just the simple tale of a boy and his popularity-bolstering caveman, and that's all there is to it.