Technology We Grew Up With: On Its Way Out

It's cliche to say we came from simpler times. After all, I've said it here alone probably 50 times. Every generation invariably feels this way, but the speed of technological growth has sped up the tech nostalgia cycle considerably. In past generation-to-generation technology handoffs, much of the first generation's technology is still in circulation at the time. In our case, in a matter of a few years many of the things we grew up with have become not only unfashionable but nearly technologically obsolete.

We've adapted to new technologies so fluidly it's almost difficult to recall a time when we weren't all totally dependent on today's gadgetry conveniences. Each of us right probably has within a 20-foot radius at least a few major pieces of technology that didn't exist in during our childhood years. If it did exist, its form is often nearly recognizable from the prototypes we grew up using. You could argue that an iPhone and an early suitcase-model mobile phone are the same idea, but they have about as much in common as your TV and your toaster.

While we have seen innumerable technological advances over the years, we rarely take the time to mourn the loss of the electronics that came before. Sit back in that ergonomic chair and adjust the easy-on-the-eyes tint of your high-tech computer screen, and enjoy the ease and quiet of your high-speed internet connection as we pay tribute to some bygone technologies:

Pay Phones


Remember when you were a kid and your parents couldn't reach you every minute of every day? It was still possible to get into a little mischief when our parents weren't constantly harassing our cell phones and tracking their signals via online GPS. In our day, your parents could drop you off at the mall or movie theater with twenty five cents and you could call them at your leisure. They didn't worry about not having total control over our teenage whereabouts for an hour or two. We used to be the ones to decide when and where we'd contact someone. Oh, how the times have changed.


Having Your Own Phone Line


That's not to say we didn't have plenty to talk about with our friends. Yes, talk. It's an unfamiliar mode of communication to many of us whose brains now automatically interpret the phrase "I don't know" as "IDK". 15 years or so back, there was no texting and instant messenger was fairly new technology. If you were very lucky, your parents might award you your very own landline to communicate with your friends without tying up their lines. In an even further example of total technological obsolescence, I actually shared my personal land line with the modem. How's that for a phenomenon you don't see today? That meant I could only talk on the phone if no one was using the internet and vice versa. Nowadays, we've all got internet on our phones themselves, but back in the day it was an either/or type ordeal.


Getting Film Developed


I'm willing to venture we all took significantly fewer pictures in our adolescence than teenagers do today. The reason? Film. We paid to have every one of our photos developed; we couldn't just browse for a select few. If a picture turned out badly, none of us would know until we'd gotten the photographic evidence back from the 1-hour photomat. We'd have to divide the developed photos into two piles: keepers and duds. There was no instant gratification, nor did we immediately see the photos posted online. The aura of suspense has faded with the rise of digital technology. It's not quite as thrilling to look back and reminisce on an image that happened two seconds earlier.


Floppy Disks


Remember that little disk drive our computers used to have? Take a look around your current computer model. I'd guess the majority of us don't even have an input for these guys anymore. From the big CD-album sized originals to the more compact later incarnations, they used to be a major means of saving information to our computers. Now we don't even have an insertion slot. Sunrise, sunset...*


Purchasing CDs/Cassettes

...Or for that matter, popping them into a Walkman or Discman. Yes, they still sell CDs, but the market has decreased significantly. These days most musicians are barely making money off of record sales, especially considering pirated music downloads. For those of us who go the legal route through iTunes, we're far less likely to buy a full album and suffer through the songs that weren't good enough to be released as singles.

I'm being a bit facetious, sure, but when's the last time you burned a CD or made a mixtape for a friend? It's sadly sliding out of practice. How are we supposed to express ourselves without the art of mixtapery? I can't tell someone I love them unless I can find 12 appropriate songs, record them off the radio, and drop it in their locker. It just doesn't feel right.


VHS tapes

Once upon a time, if there was something you wanted to watch on TV but you were going to be away from home, you'd have to program your VCR. This, for its time, seemed like pretty cutting-edge technology. We kept loads of blank videotapes next to our TV and continually taped over them with movies of the week or the latest episode of Dawson's Creek. The other day at Half Price Books I saw them selling bins of 50 VHS tapes for five dollars a case. Five dollars. These were good movies, too. Clearly VHS is no longer the preferred media, but if you've got a player you could certainly rack up quite the cheap collection.


Watching Commercials


Speaking of TV (sort of), our television remote controls didn't always have a pause, fast forward, and rewind function. We sat through every last commercial. Sometimes we even enjoyed it. There's a lot about TV we'll have to miss, actually. For example, that fuzzy snowstorm static you sometimes got? Gone. Kaput. Finito. You'll never see that again. Sort of sad, isn't it? It's strange getting dewy eyed over an irritating TV function, but I'm actually a tad verklempt.


Polaroid cameras and film


Yes, it's true. Now when we hear Outkast's instructions to "shake it like a Polaroid picture" we'll just have to used our imaginations; they no longer exist in their quick-printing form. It once seemed so high tech to instantly have a copy of your photo, but that's since been rendered obsolete by digital photography. It's sad, when you think about it. That "Hey Ya" was pretty recent, but a couple of years from now kids won't even get the reference. Tragic.


Dial-Up Modems


...And that charming noise that come along with them. Remember that? All the buzzing and the beeping and the waiting for the little AOL running guy to reach his final destination of internetland? That
dial up noise is now relegated to the back spaces of our memories. I'll never forget you, Ringers. That's what I just named my modem. Posthumously, of course.



Oh, how quickly things change. Just as we're getting accustomed to one mode of technology, another sweeps in and changes the course completely. We wouldn't trade our modern technology for anything, but it's crazy to think that ten years from now, the iPhone and Blackberry may just be retro kitsch. I can't imagine what else they'll tack on to these things, but that's sort of the beauty of it. We can mourn the loss of these bygone tech practices, but there's always something new just over the horizon. My guess is the next generation of phones will also be flying cars. Just don't forget you heard it here first.

Giveaway Winner and Today's Post: Childhood Cereal Commercial Characters

First things first--I am pleased to announce the winner of the first ever Children of the 90s Giveaway: Lauren Kelly from Walk With Me on this Journey Called Life!

*Winner was selected using a randomized shuffled spreadsheet and an online random number generator*

Congratulations, Lauren Kelly!! I will contact you later today for your mailing information (or you can shoot me an email at childrenofthe90s@gmail.com when you see this), and your 90s care package should be on the way sometime next week!

To everyone else, thank you all so much for entering, and don't worry--this isn't the end of giveaways at Children of the 90s. I heard a rumor someone (okay, me) has a blogaversary coming up, so keep checking back for more fun giveaway opportunities. I can't tell you how fun it was assembling these items, and I can't wait to do it again soon!

Please excuse the interruption. Now, for today's post:

Childhood Cereal Commercial Characters

Forget what anyone says. Cereal mascots are the hardest working guys in show biz. They're arguably among the most dedicated, single-minded characters in modern media. They never can just pick up a box of their favorite sugar cereal at the local supermarket like the rest of us. These guys are constantly battling the forces of cereal-related tyranny and oppression in an eternal struggle to get their hands on the much-coveted cereal. For those of us whose parents refused to buy us sugary breakfast cereal, we could relate to their plight.

The aim of these characters was to convince a demographic of hungry, sugar-crazed children that these cereals were so desirable that fictional characters would go to extreme lengths to get their hands on them. At the time, it seemed like a fairly viable quandary; what's one expected to do if denied their sugary fuel? Looking at them now, though, I wouldn't be surprised if one of these cartoons showed up on A&E's Intervention. They're not only incredibly desperate for their fix but also seem to be going through some sort of physical withdrawal symptoms. You'd almost expect for them to airlift Honeycomb Crazy Craving to the nearest treatment facility and run a glucose IV through his furry little arm. I'm not a professional, but even I can see that guy needs some seriuos help.

These cartoon characters were by no means the only cereal advertising stars. There were plenty of live-action commercials directed at older children, but few of them managed to equal the intensity and desperation encapsulated by these sugar-starved animated critters. Many of these characters have been around since before our time, though they often been through more reinventions than Cher. You'd better hurry up and get your reminiscing in before the remaining mascots go the way of Cookie Crook and Officer Crumb. Blink and they'll be replaced by cooler, hipper characters.


Fruity/Cocoa/Dino Pebbles: Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble



When the Flinstones debuted as Post Cereal's Pebbles-brand spokescartoons in the 70s, no one could have known they'd still be out hawking cereal decades later. Throughout the years, the story lines have been fairly one-dimensional: Fred Flintstone eats Fruity or cocoa Pebbles. Barney sees said Pebbles. Barney attempts elaborate and ill-thought-out scheme to obtain Pebbles. Fred screams, "BAAAAARNEEEY!" End scene. The only thing I'm not so clear on is what Dino Pebbles are made of. That name still sounds pretty suspicious.


Cocoa Puffs: Sonny the Cuckoo Bird



Sometimes time really does bring progress. In the original 50s and 60s ads, Sonny was chilling with his grandpa. He still went cuckoo, sure, but with his grandpa. Not exactly the stuff cool kids are made of.

Ad writers wised up in the 80s and 90s, making Sonny go cuckoo with kids and eventually pressure other kids into going cuckoo themselves. Yes, you heard right. Sonny worked his way up from user to dealer. At least he wasn't trying to pull his Gramps into it anymore. He did, however, get Joseph Gordon Levitt on the cuckoo train. See evidence above.


Frosted Flakes: Tony the Tiger



Tony the Tiger may have been born decades earlier, but he probably started his amateur frisbee career in the above 90s ad. The "They're Grrrreat!" slogan has been around for ages, but in the 80s and 90s they tried incorporating some hipper phrases. They promised to bring out the tiger in us or to put the tiger on our team, but perhaps none were as resigned and half-hearted as "The Taste Adults Have Grown to Love." You know, you used to hate it, but over the years the virulence of your hatred has lessened. Buy Frosted Flakes!



Trix: Trix Rabbit



Talk about prolonged disappointment. The Trix rabbit has been up to his, well, tricks for over 50 years. It's always the same old schtick: he'd try to trick the kids into sharing their cereal, but they'd continually admonish him with the ultimate brush-off: "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" Jokes on the Trix rabbit, though. In elementary school, a friend and I fed some Trix to her pet rabbit, Munchers. He totally went for it. He had no idea they were just for kids. Not a clue.



HoneyComb: Crazy Craving



This is probably one of the more frightening 90s cereal characters, if for nothing other than the sheer voracity of his need. The weird hopped-up rodent thing's name was Crazy Craving, and I believe he has since been retired. He premiered as Honeycomb's official mascot in the mid-90s, preceded by the HoneyComb Hideout gang. According to these 90s ads, you could actually become Crazy Craving if you went long enough without your fix. Scary indeed.


Cookie Crisp: Cookie Crook and Officer Crumb



This commercial lied to me. I wanted so badly to enjoy what was promised to me as the sweet taste of cookies for breakfast but when my parents finally caved and threw it in the grocery cart to quell my tantrum, it just wasn't what I'd expected. Cookie Crook and Officer Crumb had hyped it to a level they just couldn't achieve. It turns out the most inspired thing about the cereal was Chip the Dog's howling of "Cooooookie Crisp!"


Lucky Charms: Lucky Leprochaun



Children first met Lucky in the 60s, but he's steadily tempted our sugar impulses with his endless pushing of marshmallow-laden cereals. He promised them to be magically delicious, and for the most part they were. If only they could have made them magically nutritious, too.



Froot Loops: Toucan Sam



Toucan Sam was born in the 60s, though he did undergo some beak work a decade or so later. I think I saw it on E!'s Celebrity Plastic Surgery Nightmares but I can't be sure. Whatever the situation surrounding his nose, he followed it to some delicious fruity sugar cereal. How 90s is that Rapping Rhino ad, too?



Cinnamon Toast Cruch: Wendell, Bob, and Quello



Who exactly were Wendell, Bob, and Quello, you ask? According to General Mills, Bob and Quello don't technically exist. They name main baker Wendell, but it sounds like the other two were using the role to pad out their resumes with bit parts like "Baker #2: illustrates taste he can see." They make fun of adults in a Bubble Tape/Apple Jacks sort of way, mocking their inability to see what makes the cereal so compelling. For the record, it's the swirls of cinnamon sugar in every bite.



Honey Smacks: Dig 'Em



Sugar Smacks have been through a lot over the years. Well, a lot of names at least. In our day, they were Honey Smacks, but now they're just Smacks. That sounds pretty suspiciously close to Smack, even when you take into consideration the child-friendly Dig-Em frog mascot.. I guess as long as no kids are injecting the cereal intravenously, we're alright.



Rice Krispies: Snap, Crackle, and Pop



These guys have been around since the 1940s, but they underwent a serious 90s makeover for the Razzle Dazzle edition of the cereal. In case you're unfamiliar with cereal speak, "Razzle Dazzle" is code for "heaps of additional sugar". I couldn't find any video of those ads, though, so you'll just have to settle for watching a kid in a safari outfit get really pissed off at a dinosaur for kidnapping Snap, Crackle, and Pop.



I don't know about the rest of you, but this post has left me with a serious hankering from some good old-fashioned nutrition void sugar cereal. It may not have been substantive, it may not have been nutritious, heck, it may not even have been totally honest when it claimed to be part of a balanced breakfast. But it was endorsed by our animated spokescartoons, and darn it that was more than enough to convince us. So excuse me as I go cuckoo following my nose as I make a serious effort to elude the sanctimonious Officer Crumb: I'm off to get my fix.

Infectious 90s TV Theme Songs

Today is the last day--a winner will be announced tomorrow morning! Don't forget to enter the Children of the 90s Ultimate Nostalgia-Fest 2010 Giveaway! It's open until Wednesday, February 17. Click here to see rules and enter for your chance to win some fun Goosebumps, BSC, Magic Eye, Lisa Frank, Pete and Pete, and more!

I'm not saying our generation watched too much TV, but it's pretty telling that I've yet to witness someone break into, "Innnnn West Philadelphia, born and raised..." without an entire room of 20-somethings clambering to joining in. If I even overhear someone humming what sounds to be the opening bars of Rockapella's iconic Where in the World of Carmen San Diego theme, I'm wont to fill in the mid-range harmony bits from distances of up to 100 feet. True story. It may or may not have happened at the gym.*

It's almost a physiological reaction; we just can't help ourselves. Somewhere along the way, we've collected an arsenal of television theme song lyrics that are laying dormant in the darkest nether regions of our brains. We have an excellent command of the instrumental themes as well, but they fail to command the same involuntary knee-jerk reaction. Singing along to your old favorite TV intros has a way of transporting you right back onto your childhood couch, covered in Pringle crumbs, sipping on a Kool-Aid Burst. It's the magic of memory. Or maybe just a testament to the innumerable hours we all logged in front of the tube during our formative years.

Whether or not you liked the shows was almost irrelevant. Some of them were worth watching on the merit of introductory song alone. For the most part, though, they lived up to the immense promise of their catchy theme tunes. For whatever reason, they were irrepressibly memorable:



Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?



Love it or hate it, you've got to admit Rockapella did their homework. PBS commissioned the Carmen San Diego children's game show in direct response to the abysmal perfomance of American students on geography standards. Rockapella managed to squeeze almost every location on earth into their three-minute theme song, not to mention the wealth of groan-inducing puns they sprinkled throughout.

Some of these puns I'm willing to accept as legitimate jokes. You know, "We never Arkansas her steal" and that kind of thing. But at a certain point, they're really pushing it; I don't care how alluring their multi-part harmonious arrangement is, it's never okay to say, "She stole the beans from Lima." I get it, I get it, but it's not even the correct pronounciation. Rockapella did make up for their grevious pun infractions, though, by breaking it down in a major way at the end of the song. Well done, Rockapella.



The Fresh Prince of Bel Air



Expository theme songs are great the first time you tune in to a show. If you have no clue of the premise or back story, it'll fill you in pretty much right up until the events of the current episode with aits incredibly informative and detailed lyrics. In some cases, it all gets pretty tiresome after the first few viewings. In a time before DVR, there was no fast-forwarding through the credits.

Luckily, this was not the case with The Fresh Prince's theme song. We just couldn't get enough. Sometimes I'd watch the show just to see the opening credits. This one was a keeper, destined to go down forever in 90s TV theme history. So many of us worked tirelessly on memorizing this one. The furthest I ever got was to, "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air", so I'm achingly jealous of all of you who know all of the verses by heart.



Saved By the Bell



The sheer exposure to this one was more than enough to commit it to memory. Saved By The Bell played in seemingly continuous loop in syndication throughout our youth. For awhile it seemed that we couldn't turn on the TV without flipping by an episode of SbtB. The theme song lyrics rivaled the show's subject matter in cheesiness, but both had a certain alluring quality.

This song takes a lot of liberties in fitting in syllables, working in well-pruned lines like "And the 'larm gives out a warning". Yes, you heard right. The 'larm. Alarm just wouldn't fit. It didn't really matter to us, though. So long as they kept parading attractive teen stars across our screen, we'd listen to whatever they wanted.



Salute Your Shorts



Salute Your Shorts' theme played out like a camp anthem parceled out amongst the main characters. As in any good teen sitcom, we all just assume that there are indeed other campers somewhere on the premises, though none quite as interesting and plotline-worthy as our major players. Sure, there might have been some other kids stationed at Camp Anawanna over the summer, but none quite as enthralling as Budnik or Donkey Lips.

Toilet humor is like comedic gold to children, so it's no wonder we delighted in the line, "Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts/and when we think about you/it makes me wanna fart!" We all knew Ug was just a huge spoilsport for reprimanding the gang. I guess we've got to cut him a break, though. He was the almost only adult we ever saw, save for the mysterious disembodied voice of camp director Dr. Kahn. You'd probably be pretty tightly wound, too, if you were the only grown-up in a sea of teenagers for an entire summer.


Full House



Even a few bars of the jazzy "ba-ba-ba-de-ba-bop-bop" at the end is enough to jar us all back into full Full House mode, yearning once again to be raised by a zany, madcap team of ill-equipped and uncompatible male role models. The opening sequence became incredibly well known throughout the show's multi-season run. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who can't complete the line, "What ever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paper boy..." See, you're just itching to fill in the blank, aren't you?



Hey Dude



Who would have thought that a western song about working summers on a dude ranch could be so compelling? Hey Dude represented the classic era of Nickelodeon, and its signature theme song did not disappoint. Well, at least not in melody; lyrically it could have used some rethinking. It doesn't really make sense, per se (It's a little wild and a little strange? Really?) but it all adds up to a part of the show's charm. Yippee ki yi ay, lil dogie.


We may not have known it at the time, but even after all these years these themes are as recognizable and catchy as they ever were. The downside, of course, is that they'll be tumbling around in your head on spin cycle for the rest of the day, but it's a fair trade off to get to relive all of those gloriously cheesy 90s TV anthems. Or at least that's how you can justify it when the guy at the next cubicle tells you for the twelfth time to please keep it down.

*Okay, okay, it did happen at the gym. Someone's iPod was blaring it from the bank of treadmills. I couldn't resist.

Raves

Only a few days left! Don't forget to entire the Children of the 90s Ultimate Nostalgia-Fest 2010 Giveaway! It's open until Wednesday, February 17. Click here to see rules and enter for your chance to win some fun Goosebumps, BSC, Magic Eye, Lisa Frank, Pete and Pete, and more!

Even before they were harping about online predators, Dateline NBC had me terrified to leave the comfort of my own home. With their multi-part series on the dangers of 90s raves, I was almost certain that someone was going to randomly usher me into an abandoned warehouse against my will, stick an ecstasy-laced candy pacifier in my mouth, and subject me to endless hours of pulsating techno music and seizure-inducing light shows. You know you're growing up in pretty cushy conditions when your most major fears revolve around involuntary attendance at a wild underground party.




Other generations have all the luck. Their subcultural miscreants were usually tied to some sort of ideological principles. You know, peace, free love, that sort of thing. It's almost as if the preceding counter-cultural movements took all the good visionary underpinnings and we were stuck sorting through the remnants bin. Our take on rebellious youth culture amounted to Seattle Grunge culture and Euro-techno ravers. We may not have been as idealistic as the hippies who came before us, but it could have been worse. After all, we could have been pseudo-intellectual fake glasses-sporting ironic t-shirt clad hipsters.

There were some vague alliances between rave culture and principles, but the connection was fuzzy at best. At its heart, rave culture represented the happy-go-lucky invincibility that characterized the 90s. You know you're getting older when you start drawing broad metaphors between youth culture and the state of the economy, but it's an aging leap I'm willing to make. Raving was youth culture in its purest, least dilute form: wild, irresponsible, and generally under contempt of adults everywhere.

Many of us may have been too young at the time to be a driving force in the rave scene, but that wasn't about to stop us from defiantly sucking our pacifiers in homeroom. Rave trends quickly disseminated from underground phenomenon into mainstream fashion statements. While the raw ingredients undoubtedly varied from rave to rave, here's a rough recipe for a legitimate 90s raver.


Abandoned Warehouse


What's a party without a proper venue? By proper venue, of course, I mean a sketchy abandoned space that may or may not have once been some sort of industrial storage facility. As many of the early raves were a sort of impromptu underground effort, any old enclosed area would have to do. Raves were by no means limited to these settings, but there was a certain charm to illegal party squatting. Or at least that's what I gathered from my avid viewing of numerous multi-part Dateline NBC undercover exposes. They made it seem like every abandoned warehouse in the country was packed fire-code defiantly full of sweaty, effervescent teenagers.



Light Show


If you're going to party straight through to the wee hours of the morning, you've got to have some sort of visual stimulation. Laser light shows were a signature rave feature, with brightly colored strobe-like flashing creating a uniquely headache-inducing effect. I had to settle for my cheaply imitative Nickelodeon brand laser light how generator. I had the power to turn my basement into a wild party light-flashing party scene, but unfortunately I was only 10 at the time. The closest I was coming to raving was chugging a bottle of Surge and nursing a ring pop.



Pacifier

This was one of those inexplicable trends that caught on in a big way despite a total lack of purpose and functionality. Our parents spent months coaxing us off these damned things only to have us pick up the habit again 15 years down the road. I'm still not completely clear on if the pacifier had any sort of representational meaning or if someone just thought it might be fun to start selling them as necklaces to teenagers. Either way, these things were everywhere.



Candy Rings/Necklaces


The more I look at it, the more it seems like ravers all had some sort of serious oral fixation. The ecstasy could only make everything all the more delicious, so it was probably a good idea to keep some highly portable snacks on your person at all times.



Glowsticks


They're sort of like your own personal laser light show. If you get bored with whatever lights the party coordinators are flashing, you can always wave your glowstick super quickly in front of your face. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the drugs probably enhanced this experience somewhat as well.



Ecstasy and/or Cocaine


Speaking of mood-altering substances, 90s partiers weren't really the depressant type. Leave the mellowed-out drugs to the peace and free love hippies. Ravers needed uppers to maintain a decent level of prolonged hyperactivity. If you've got to flail wildly in a warehouse with only the aid of glowsticks and laser light shows to keep you awake, you probably needed a little something to keep the edge on.



UV Facepaint


Again with the glowing. It's a pretty safe bet to say if it glowed, ravers wanted to slather their bodies in it. I suppose it's a bit hard to see in a darkened warehouse, so any light source is much appreciated.


It's odd to think of raves as retro, but countercultural phenomenons tend to age quickly. While in the 90s raving seemed edgy and dangerous and unspeakably modern, in retrospect it loses a bit of its luster. Not literally, of course. I imagine that UV facepaint bonds to pores for life.It was a pretty wild ride while it lasted, but for now we'll just have to relive the experience (or vicarious experience) through the magic of memory. So grab your glowsticks, pop in a pacifier, and beware the judgmental Dateline undercover reporters; it's rave reminiscing time.

The Secret World of Alex Mack

Only a few days left! Don't forget to entire the Children of the 90s Ultimate Nostalgia-Fest 2010 Giveaway! It's open until Wednesday, February 17. Click here to see rules and enter for your chance to win some fun Goosebumps, BSC, Magic Eye, Lisa Frank, Pete and Pete, and more!

One of the fascinating things about looking back at shows you watched as a kid is that the characters never age. Upon revisiting the show you find that while you have progressed into an adult somewhere along the way, the show's characters remain frozen in time. When the show debuted you may have been the same age as the principal players, yet they've been held back in an eternal repetition of their childhood years.

Such is the case with Alex Mack, a middle school-aged semi-superhero of 90s Nickelodeon fame. I always thought of the two of us as contemporaries, so imagine my surprise to find that she's still just thirteen years old. The real-life actress who portrayed her, Larisa Oleynik, has grown alongside me into a more reasonable age of 28, but I related so well to the character that I came to think of her as something of a real person. I half-expected a current Google search for Alex Mack to pull up a YouTube clip of a late-20s version of the character, again clad in a flannel shirt and backwards cap, playing hooky from her office day job by morphing Capri Sun-style into a metallic puddle and slipping out through the heating vent. It was a bit jarring to realize that someone I'd yearned to befriend as as a kid is stuck at thirteen forever. Watching the show, I still kind of want to be friends, but it gives me a sort of uneasy feeling to imagine myself randomly befriending seventh graders. Sure, she might be scientifically significant, but I doubt Mr. and Mrs. Mack would take kindly to the two of us going out for a soda. At least not until after she'd finished her algebra homework, I mean.


The Secret World of Alex Mack premiered in 1994 as part of the Saturday night tween-geared SNICK programming block on Nickelodeon. Featuring a quirky young teenage girl, the show was a natural fit as a replacement for the very popular Clarissa Explains it All. Superpower premise aside, the general genre was a solid match to its predecessor. The show was originally conceived of with a male central character, but the departure of Clarissa led to some retooling. I don't think the boys were too disappointed, though. They all got Larisa Oleynik to drool over, so it wasn't a bad deal in the end.

While Alex's coming of age story is certainly confounded by her unusual chemical circumstances, she's generally just a young girl struggling to find her place in the ever-viney jungle of adolescence. We see her face mean girls, first crushes, and fights with her parents. Okay, so maybe she can move things with her mind and turn into a shiny puddle of echo-voiced goo, but at the end of the day she's just trying to see where she fits into the puzzle of junior high.

The show's subject matter was pretty sophisticated for a children's show. While many programs aimed at a young viewer demographic tend to patronize and dumb down factual information, The Secret World of Alex Mack gave it to us straight. Well, sort of. If you want to get technical, the entire premise and all related scientific data was completely fabricated and improbably at best. Shows with made-up scientific background are probably better-suited to children as we're less likely to question any chemical plot holes. Regardless, The Secret World of Alex Mack treated its viewers more or less like adults. We had a high tech chemical plant, the background on research and development, and some entree into the world of as-of-yet FDA unapproved weight loss aids that have the potential to turn you into a mutant.



Doesn't this opening sequence just stir up all sorts of displaced memories? I haven't watched the show in maybe 10 years, but I'm pretty sure I could recite Alex Mack's voiceover word-for-word regardless. Alex Mack is memorable in a way that few children's shows achieve, though maybe it's proportionate to how badly you wanted to possess her melting and mind-moving superpowers.

In the show's first episode, Alex is doused with the mysterious chemical (henceforth known as the crazy compound GC-161) on the way to her first day of junior high. Alex quickly discovers that the accident has left her with a number of unexplainable side effects, most importantly silver puddle meltability, telekinesis, and the ability to send little shocks out of her fingertips. On the negative, she also turns an unnatural shade of orange in lieu of a more ordinary pink when she blushes. All in all, sort of a tradeoff, but the pros pretty far outweigh the cons in terms of general superheroic symptoms.

If for some reason the show isn't so fresh in your mind, here's the entire first episode for nostalgic restoration purposes:







Alex lets her best friend Ray and her Janine Kishi-esque brainy sister Annie in on her secret, though she opts against telling her parents. Her father is employed by the anonymously ominous local chemical plant and reports directly to the notoriously evil Danielle Altron. Danielle and her plant partner in crime Vince are Alex's main adversarial forces, with the majority of superpower-related plotlines emphasizing Alex's continuous struggle to avoid capture and eventual subjection to creepy testing. Danielle and Vince see Alex as sort of a human lab rat and are endlessly caught up in hot pursuit of their subject. In a clever plot point, the chemical plant is Alex's hometown of Paradise Valley's main employer. That means most people report to Danielle, and few would want to face unemployment by crossing her. Unfortunately, that settles the score at Plant 1, Alex 0. Tough break.

The Secret World of Alex Mack lasted a solid four seasons, culminating in Alex's secret exposed. As the following finale teaser boomingly intones, "She can morph, but she can't hide..."



Alex Mack differentiated itself from other superhero shows in many ways, the most important of which may have been the fact that Alex would have preferred to be a normal kid over a wanted superhero. Even with all she had to gain from the incident, she was just an average kid at heart. Alex never asked to be extraordinary, nor did she possess some natural capacity for leadership or do-goodery. We could relate to her because she represented the rest of us far better than her comic book superhero contemporaries. She wasn't out saving the world; she just wanted to make it through seventh period English. With its cliffhanger ending, though, we're left to decide for ourselves whether Alex took the antidote. Feel free to speculate for yourself with the last clip of the series finale below. I'm still losing sleep over this one.

Before They Were Famous: Our Favorite Stars' Early TV Bit Parts

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It's hard to imagine major TV or film stars as anything less than bona fide celebrities, but all of them had to work their way to the top. In Hollywood terms, that usually means paying your dues in sitcom or soap opera appearances until you're eventually discovered and whisked off into a series of starring roles. It's got to give us hope for those of us who aren't quite at the eventual level of achievement we envision for ourselves; heck, at our age, George Clooney was still just a random handyman on Facts of Life and Quention Tarantino was a second-row Elvis impersonator on The Golden Girls. I guess that means we've all got a good twenty years or so to grow into two-time Sexiest Man of the Year or wildly successful quirky screenwriter/producer/actor/director.

That's certainly reassuring, considering many of these stars have gone on to achieve fame and fortune that outstrip even our wildest of future fantasies. It's nice to see that once upon a time, these well-known celebrities were putting in their time and trying to make it just like the rest of us. So sit, back, relax, and luxuriate in the realization that you have plenty of time to reach our ultimate goals. It's even further consolation to know that by the time we meet those goals, some of these stars may be relegated to beauty pageant hosting gigs and Dancing With the Stars appearances. Circle of life and all that.

While many, many television and movie actors started with bit roles on sitcoms or daytime soaps, I present to you a random smattering of both the memorable and the obscure:


George Clooney: Facts of Life


People are always saying Clooney has gotten more attractive with age, but watching him in this mid-80s clip I'd have to argue that he was always pretty darn good looking. 80s and 90s TV tended to be wholly unoriginal in assigning names to guest stars, often simply assigning the actor a fictitious last name to supplement their real-life first. Accordingly, Clooney played be-mulleted handyman George Burnett for two seasons on The Facts of Life. He took on a number of other bit parts, including roles on Roseanne and The Golden Girls, before striking figurative TV oil with ER.



Leonardo DiCaprio, Hilary Swank, Matthew Perry, and Brad Pitt: Growing Pains

That's Hilary Swank at her locker, in case you missed her

Apparently Growing Pains served as a functional launching pad for all sorts of young stars. DiCaprio played Luke Brower, a homeless kid the Seavers eventually adopt. Luke was a Cousin Oliver-type character, a last-ditch attempt to win over people with a cute kid and distract them from the show's decline.

Hilary Swank had a much smaller role (you can see her at her locker in the first clip), but her few lines managed to garner her some attention from Hollywood agents. She'd have to suffer through The Next Karate Kid before eventually segueing into more respectable roles like Beverly Hills, 90210. Oh, and you know, those Oscar roles of hers. Not too shabby for a girl who had just a few lines on Growing Pains.

Brad Pitt: dreamy even with a borderline mullet

Some people are so attractive it's essentially their service to society to become celebrities. In the case of Brad Pitt, I'd say he owed it to us. 80s and 90s sitcoms had a bad habit of recasting the same actors in multiple bit parts, apparently assuming their entire audience had severe short term memory loss. Along this vein, Pitt played two parts on GP: once as Carol's short-lived romantic interest and another as Ben's favorite rock star. He wasn't an especially nice guy in either role, but most of us were pretty won over by his dreamy physique. I don't care how mean he was to Carol; I still would've gone for him




Matthew Perry also appeared on the show as Carol's boyfriend Sandy, who was killed off in a drunk driving accident after just a few episodes. He actually first appeared in the short lived Growing Pains spinoff Just the 10 of Us, but apparently they'd liked him so much they shuffled him back over to the original. And then, you know, killed him off almost immediately. How thoughtful.



Ben Savage: Wonder Years



There he is at 4:20. How cute are the two of them? Boy Meets World's Ben Savage is Wonder Years' Fred Savage's younger brother, so it was of course adorable to have the two guest star in this Valentine's episode. They're pretty good at pretending to be strangers, what with the whole, "Hey you! Kid!" ruse they've got going on.



John Stamos: General Hospital



Obviously this feathered look was his hairstyle of choice for many, many years. It took all the way from General Hospital in 1983 to the early Full House years. Stamos is by far the best actor in this scene, though for a soap opera his style is a bit understated. He seems a little too relaxed in the midst of all the drama.



Christina Applegate: Family Ties



Before she was dizzy 90s blonde Kelly Bundy on Married With Children, Christina Applegate had a number of small sitcom roles. Applegate appeared on Family Ties in an episode shamelessly geared toward launching Tina Yothers' misguided music career. Applegate plays one of her band members, and I must say, in this clip she really rocks those shoulder pads. What else would you expect from the fashion maven of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead?



Michelle Tratchenberg: Pete and Pete



Even before her starring role in Harriet the Spy (complete with signature Nickelodeon bright orange-VHS tape), Michelle Tratchenberg played Nona on The Adventures of Pete and Pete. It's a far cry from her mean-girl act on Gossip Girl these days, but she is pretty adorable in an un-self conscious, desperately needs-braces type of way.




Jennifer Aniston: Ferris Bueller



Following the success of John Hughes' Ferris Bueller's Day Off, the movie was optioned as a TV show starring none of the original cast. Jennifer Aniston was virtually unknown at the time, debuting in a reprisal of Jennifer Grey's Jeannie Bueller. The show lost steam quickly and was canceled after just a few episodes, but we did get something good out of it: a mid-season replacement Blossom. And Jennifer Aniston's burgeoning career, of course.



Ricky Martin on General Hospital



He may not be a household name today, but in the late 90s we were all pretty loco over singer Ricky Martin. Somewhere in between his Menudo days and his rise to astronomical fame as a solo artist, Martin find the time to play Miguel, a singer/bartender on General Hospital. His acting wasn't anything to write home about, but like most of these 80s and 90s soap-starting stars, his hair may have been.



Jessica Alba: The Secret World of Alex Mack



Oh, this one really takes me back. Just hearing them reference "GC-161" is enough to bring me back to the day of Alex's ill-fated chemical spill. When her mom tries to saddle her with that Trolls lunchbox, it's pure 90s. There's Alba at 7:25, playing the stock mean girl character. Her acting isn't especially impressive, but she's cute enough for us to overlook it. I'm guessing this means she never went through an awkward stage. When the rest of us were gawky and awkward, Alba was well on her way to Amazonian goddesshood. Then again, I saw photos from her few months post-baby bikini photo shoot--I think she's got some sort of genetic upper hand on all of us.



Parker Posey on As The World Turns



If you don't know already, I'm a pretty devoted fan of Christopher Guest Films. I've always found Parker Posey to be hilarious, with great comic timing and spot-on deadpan. Imagine my surprise, then, to learn that Posey actually paved her path to independent movie fame with a recurring role on daytime soap As The World Turns. It's always a little jarring to realize an actor or actress you respect once appeared on a soap; it's like finding out that an esteemed author once ghostwrote Sweet Valley High novels. You might have found them entertaining, sure, but it's not exactly a claim to fame. This stint has probably moved pretty far down on Posey's resume, though. I think she's redeemed herself from the uncertain fate of wooden-acted soap roles.



Quentin Taratino: Golden Girls



This isn't the best quality video, I know, but these specific TV moments are sometimes hard to pinpoint in the vast expanses of cyberspace. In case you missed him in that one-second video-recorded-off-the-TV clip, here's a handy photo helper from Motivated Photos:


Yes, that's right...Quentin Tarantino appeared as one of the many Elvis impersonators who mistakenly populated the audience at Sophia's wedding to Max Weinstock. Is it troubling that I could rattle off all of those details off the top of my head? I've seen this episode more times than I can count, but I never once noticed Tarantino. He's not exactly in a prominent role, but it is definitely an interesting piece of trivia to know. That Motivated Photo poster cracks me up, too. I am totally going to greet him that way if I ever run into him.


Like I said, all of these big names started from pretty meager beginnings, so there may be hope for you yet. Their equivalent of entry-level positions might be a little more exciting than our own, but it's a small comfort to know they had to work their way up. Plus, based on what we've seen in the above clips, I'd say each and every one of you is probably a qualified enough actor to have a supporting role on one of those soap operas. Really.

Double Dare

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Why don't we offer the Physical Challenge as a viable alternative to difficult tasks anymore? It always worked for our pals on Double Dare. Just picture it. You're in a crowded classroom taking your bar exam and you come across an exceptionally confounding question. Imagine how much simpler things would be if you could simply alert the proctor you were going to take the Physical Challenge instead. You'd get up from your desk, put on the giant clown pants, and proceed to catch flying pies catapulting toward you at breakneck speed. "Pie in the Pants" was a credible recourse for baffled minds on 90s kids game shows; why not extend it to other arenas? At the very least, it would give some much needed excitement and spontaneity to those boring hours-long tests.

In actuality, not much of the Double Dare world translates into real life. It's a testament to the show's creators' creativity--or insanity, depending on your sense of whimsy and wonder. It was like some sort of alternate kid fantasy universe: children slimed their parents, slid down a giant Sundae Slide, and went home with armloads of cash and prizes. It was crazy and nonsensical and criminally messy, but it was undeniably pure kid-driven fun.

It's another one of those Nickelodeons 80s and 90s anomalies where you'd just got to wonder what was running through the network executives' respective heads when the Double Dare creators pitched them the show. "We open with a messy challenge, see. Then we move onto a random, disjointed trivia round that's actually an excuse to stump kids and have them opt for an even messier challenge. Next, the team with the most points attempts an utterly insane obstacle course, searching for flags in piles of sloppy food, swimming through vats of jello, running on a giant hamster wheel, and monkey barring their way over to the spewing Gak Geiser. If they make it, they go to space camp and get to thow up on one of those anti-gravity simulation spinny rides. How does that sound?" To which we can only imagine the Nickelodeon bigwigs replied, "Excellent! We'll take 500 episodes."

The show went through a series of reformatted and re-imagined incarnations, but the underlying structure remained the same. First up, we had Super Sloppy Double Dare:



It seems the major differentiating feature of Super Sloppy Double Dare was that it was not just regular sloppy but indeed super sloppy. The original version of Double Dare was messy, but SSDD brought disgusting sloppiness to a whole new level. The challenges existed for the sole purpose of creating the most explosive mess imaginable. This version had more thematic episodes and gimmicks, but the main change was probably in the significant increase in the number of janitors employed by the show.

There was the quickly-dropped Celebrity Double Dare concept:



This version never actually made it into production, so all we have to remember it by is this pilot footage. It was mostly like Double Dare, but everything was just a tiny bit off, meaning fans would probably never accept it. It was hosted by a feathered-haired Bruce Jenner, who depending on your generation is either that dashing Wheaties box-gracing Olympian or the frozen-faced dad on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.


Next up we had the popular Family Double Dare:

This clip hails from the Nickelodeon (not FOX) era. Just in case you were curious.

For this version, the show had a brief stint on the Fox network in a Saturday night timeslot. As the name implies, this version pitted two families against one another in lieu of all-kid teams. Teams included two parents and two children. Families cycled through the same segments as in the original Double Dare (Opening Stunt, Physical Challenges, Triva, Obstacle Course) but it was a new plane of funny to watch adults wade through knee-deep slime ravines. The show moved back to Nickelodeon in 1990, where it continued to humiliate parents everywhere through the cunning use of pies.

We also had Super Special Double Dare, which was basically a pared down retooling of Celebrity Double Dare. We had sports stars, Nick stars, and minor celebrities competing for charity. I don't know if it necessarily lived up to its promise of being Super Special, but it was at the very least averagely special.

Unfortunately, the Double Dare book didn't close then. There was actually a Double Dare 2000 version, or as 90s children may better know it, The Version That Shall Not Be Named. Heresy, I tell you. Um, hi, they called the Obstacle Course the Slopstacle Course. Really? Really? They should be ashamed of themselves. Where's my beloved host Marc Summers? What? Relegated to an executive consultant credit? For shame.


Can you believe this was already ten years ago? Depressing, no?

Speaking of Marc Summers, Double Dare and his ever-expanding portfolio of other Nickelodeon hosting duties turned him into the poster child for irony. Unbeknownst to the world (and to Marc, until he was diagnosed at age 43), Summers suffered from obsessive compulsive disorders. Yes, that's right. The man who brought us our daily dose of super sloppiness later went on to co-author the book, "Everything in its Place: My Trials and Triumphs with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder."



Double Dare lived on in syndicated reruns for many years following its 1992 cancellation. As Summers remarks in his book, "We had enough episodes on tape to do reruns forever." Indeed, the pure volume of episodes must speak to the high demand for this type of purely entertaining children's television programming. Yes, the show had a trivia question or two thrown in for good measure, but it was far from educational. It taught us something far more valuable: how to have fun and be kids. Oh, and how to dig a flag out of a Super Sloppy Blue Plate Special. I'm still thinking that one's going to come in handy someday.

90s Songs We Did Not Understand (or That Were Pretty Darn Inappropriate for Us to Like) as Children: Volume Two

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Innocence is wasted on the young. As we grow older, we learn the world isn't the squeaky clean playground we grew up believing it to be. The glossy veneer cracks, and we start to see the equivalent of a caravan of ceepy windowless vans filled with lollipop-luring sickos lurking in the shadows. Things start to get real adult, real fast, and there's just no going back to the blissful ignorance of our younger days.

It's a phenomenon that occurs in every generation. Kids hear a song on the radio, they like the rhythm or the music, and suddenly they're shocking adults everywhere by parroting the X-rated lyrics in crowded, conspicuous places. Just a few weeks back I saw a little girl at the mall merrily humming to herself, eventually segueing into, "Let's have some fun/this beat is sick/I want to take a ride on your disco stick." Needless to say, her mother was less than pleased. Mama Gaga looked generally mortified as she tried to convince her sweet little kindergartener to keep that one to herself, but she should at least be comforted by the notion that her daughter didn't mean a word of it. The little girl likes Lady Gaga because she styles her hair like Minnie Mouse and she assumes Gaga's mom doesn't force her to wear pants. It's not a philosophical alignment, it's a matter of naive juvenile taste and general wardrobe envy.

Like that little girl, so many of us likely humiliated our parents by singing what we thought were our favorite songs in busy public spaces filled with their tongue-clucking judgmental peers. We didn't mean anything by it; we didn't even marginally comprehend what we were saying. In fact, in many cases we got the illicit lyrics wrong, which made the songs all the more confusing to us as we got older and tried to unwrap their elusive meanings. For the longest time, I thought the lyrics to Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy" were "Backseat, windows up/that's the way I like my truck." I was always sort of wondering how he could drive it if he was stuck sitting in the back. Honestly, I wasn't even that young when it came out, I just couldn't understand the words. When the song comes up on my iTunes on shuffle, I realize the entire song is a full-out graphic description. How I missed that one as a kid is a testament to the ramifications of abstinence-only sex education.

We all have those "Aha!" moments when it all comes together and we wash away the sweet innocence of youth. After reading up on some of these song lyrics, I feel like I need to wash away more than that; many of them may necessitate a cold shower. Maybe you were all far more streetwise than I at a young age, but I'm willing to guess there was some level of misunderstanding somewhere along the way. At the least, they were sure to have made our parents cringe hearing us singing along to these songs on the radio.






Crash Into Me (Dave Matthews Band)



What's more romantic than a song about a peeping tom? In his appearance on VH1's Storytellers, Matthews explained the song was about a guy watching a woman through her window. Sweet, right? The lyrics weren't exactly enigmatic; it all should have been pretty clear had I not been in elementary school at the time. I mean, "Hike up your skirt a little more/and show the world to me" isn't exactly great metaphor.

On an aside, Clear Channel Communications included this song on its memorandum to radio stations regarding lyrically questionable songs in light of the September 11th attacks. Abit of a stretch, right? It would be one thing if a song titled "Crash Into Me" was written from the point of view of a building, but this seems like an unnecessarily sensitive precaution.



Touch Myself (DiVinyls)



I know, this one isn't exactly subtle, but not all of us were savvy enough to realize two and two made four. I have no idea how this one got past the censors, but I distinctly remember doing a talent show dance to this song at summer camp. To be fair, it was the year Austin Powers came out and this was one of the few CDs our bunk had on hand, but really. We saw absolutely nothing wrong with it, but someone probably should have.



Closer (Nine Inch Nails)



To be fair, the radio edits on "Closer" were pretty extensive. Most of us had no idea that we didn't understand it until we heard an uncut version of the song. Looking at it from an adult perspective, it sounds to be about a man who attempts to escape his life through sex. "I want to feel you from the inside" should probably have been a clue, but I always thought "You bring me closer to God" meant it was a religious song.



Gin and Juice (Snoop Dogg)



I'm surprised there were any words left in the song once it was cleaned up for radio play. As a kid, I was almost positive I knew all the words to this song. It was only when I started hearing it at college parties that I realized all those muted-out spots from the radio contain actual lyrics. Who knew?



I'll Make Love to You (Boyz II Men)



Perhaps it's not so much that we didn't understand this one, but the fact that it was so inappropriately played as a slow dance song at bar mitzvahs and middle school dances. Who thinks this is a good snowball song for 11-13 year olds? I can just imagine the parents or teachers on the outskirts of the dance floor, looking on in horror as we swayed arythmically to this song. At least we were still at that age where a slow dance meant maximum distance between couples with awkward ramrod straight arms. We weren't considering the meaning, we were too busy trying not to notice the unfortunate height difference between the middle school girls and boys.


She Talks to Angels (Black Crowes)



This song definitely has a melancholy feel to it, even to a less-than-perceptive kid. Still, I never gave second thought to the meaning behind it. I just thought this chick talked to angels. Very spiritual, you know? Obviously it ran a little deeper than that, examining a woman who lost a child and turned to drugs for escape. After all these years, I never put that together. It's something of a revelation. I knew the song was sad, sure, but it runs much deeper than we ever could have realized as children.


Feels So Good (Mase)

No joke, here he is performing "Feels So Good" live on All That. For kids. Yes, it's an edited version, but those are 12-year olds rocking out in the front row

I distinctly remember buying this CD single in 6th grade and singing along to it at sleepovers with my friends. Someone would belt out, "Bad, bad, bad, boy, you make me feel so gooood" and the others would chime in on backup on "You know you make me feel so good, oh, you know you make me feel so good." We were pretty naive to the actual connotations of the lyrics, so I'm glad we could never quite understand the verses. Mumbling along is a whole lot better than hearing a 12-year old rap, "I'd hit everything from Cancun to Grant's Tomb." I still do rather like that that part that goes, "Do Mase get the ladies? Yeah, Yeah." It really is pretty catchy.


What's Your Fantasy (Ludacris)



Okay, okay, this one is pushing it. It came out in 2000, so there's almost no way any of us could have missed the subject matter on this one though we might not have been totally clear on all of the graphic references. This song got all kinds of specific. I'm still not sure I understand all of it.



Pony (Ginuwine)



I think they used to play this one at our local roller rink during birthday parties. I guess I should just be relieved that they didn't use it for a couples' skate. It's pretty explicit, so it must be a testament to the innocence of my 10-year old self. I'm not sure if they bleeped any of it or what, but my research (read: Googling) indicates that the chorus goes, "If you're horny, let's do it/ride it, my pony/my saddle's waiting/come and jump on it." Is it too embarrassing to admit I really thought it was about a guy and his pony? I was still at an age where owning a pony was the ultimate goal, so it's not that off base.


There She Goes (The La's, later covered by Sixpence None the Richer)



Upon first listen, this song sounds fairly innocent. According to the La's, it's strictly PG rated, but the rumors seem pretty convincing. "There She Goes" sounds like it's about a woman, but closer inspection of the lyrics gives us reason to believe it may be about heroin use instead. You know, "...racing through my brain/pulsing through my vein/no one else can heal my pain" and all that. The La's denied the rumor, and the public might be guilty of overspeculation, but it's definitely not something we would have picked up on as kids.


Anytime, Any Place (Janet Jackson)



Looking back, I think that the PSA-style caveat at the end of the music video should have tipped us off. It said, "Any time, any place...be responsible." To a child, that means pick up your toys and don't spend all of your allowance on ice cream. How were we to know it was a cleverly incorporated safe sex campaign?



They say you can't go back, and looking as these songs now proves that all too well. It's nice to think there was once a time when all of these references had yet to corrupt our impressionable young minds. We were free to sing out as loud as we wanted without having a clue what we were saying. Adults everywhere may have been horrified to hear us spewing this filth, but most of us were none the wiser.