The Simpsons

At this point, The Simpsons has been on the air so long it's difficult to remember it was once a fledgling enterprise; at this point its presence has become so ubiquitous it's pretty much just one long unending stretch of syndication and reruns. While now the show holds court as the longest-running sitcom, at the time of its debut in 1989 the notion of a adult-targeted animated television series had many critics scoffing. After all, cartoons are for kids. If you're going to make a show for grown-ups, why not cast it as a live-action series with real actors? It just didn't add up.



Matt Groening and friends were clearly onto something, though, based on not only the incomparable longevity of the series but also judging from the innumerable grown-up animated shows that spawned in its wake. Although the show's main target audience was adults, many family-focused groups took issue with the allegedly poor behavioral example the show espoused. Bart became an easy target for outrage as critics spoke out against his irreverence and misbehavior met with little to no discipline. For those of us out there relying on television to parent our children, this was bad news indeed.

The Simpson family made their television debut as a short on the Tracy Ullman show in 1987, featuring parents Homer and Marge, children Bart and Lisa, and baby Maggie. The animation was crude and the voices were rough around the edges, but the show's initial concept has remained largely untouched since its premiere. Groening named the characters after his own family members, replacing his own name with Bart, an anagram for "brat." Aside from some tinkering with the Lisa character, the characters America met in these late-80s shorts remain largely frozen in time.



Their audience, of course, has aged considerably, but there's something reassuring about the sameness and reset-button quality of unchanging television. Aside from the quality of the writing, that is. You can't stay hip and irreverent forever, though The Simpsons held onto their satirical credibility for an impressive run. Quantity and quality are always difficult factors to balance, and quantity usually emerges victorious in the end. Regardless, the show deserves credit for its incredible perseverance in the face of lagging ratings. As long as Dan Castellanetta is still there interpreting the scripts' "annoyed grunt" as "D'oh!", there will be a considerable group of people willing to to tune in.

In an amazing feat of faithfulness, the original 1987 cast still provides voices for today's shows. After 21 seasons, these voice actors have established some pretty cushy job security.We can't chalk it all up to rah-rah solidarity and deep commitment to art, though; the almighty dollar played a pretty major role in their extensive retention. At $400,000 an episode for reading off of a script in the comfort of a sound studio, it's seems like a tough offer to refuse. In defense of their exorbitant paychecks, the voice actors employed by The Simpsons are indeed talented and multifaceted. Observe, a clip from the cast's appearance on Behind the Actor's Studio:



Like any good merchandising machine, the show introduced a number of catch phrases into the modern vernacular. They could hardly print the slogan-emblazoned t-shirts fast enough. Bart's signature "Ay Caramba!" "Don't Have a Cow, Man" and the ever-popular "Eat my Shorts" caught on quickly. Some American schools banned Simpsons apparel on the basis of its rebelliousness and in-your-face anti-authority attitude. There's nothing like tv-driven neologisms to really bring out the censor in our humorless figures of minor authority.

The Simpsons established a number of well-known and easily recognizable hallmarks throughout its run. The show's writers specifically chose the town name of Springfield as the basis of a long-running gag, concealing the city's location and giving vague misleading clues about the Simpsons' home state. The opening sequence also features Bart in full old-school punishment mode, forced to write "I will not ______________" or some such reprimand 100 times over on the classroom blackboard.



The show was no stranger to controversy, embracing its role from an early date as a source of social commentary and tongue-in-cheek satirical digs. The Simpsons has caught flack from a variety of sources, including the Rio de Janeiro tourism board for an episode which they claim depicted Brazil as a crime-ridden, pest-infested hellhole. The elder Bush president also stirred things up in 1992, declaring in an address to the National Religious Broadcasters convention that "This nation needs to be closer to the Waltons than the Simpsons." In typical Simpsons fashion, creator Matt Groening shot back, "Hey, the Simpsons are just like the Waltons. Both families are praying for an end of the Depression." Burn.

Perhaps no contemporary show has embraced the celebrity cameo and guest star role to the gratuitous extent of The Simpsons. Some celebrities had ongoing gigs with The Simpsons playing recurring fictional characters, such as Phil Hartman, Jon Lovitz, and Kelsey Grammar. Others, like Michael Jackson and Mel Brooks, made memorable one-time appearances. The show actually holds the Guiness Book of World Records title for "Most Celebrities Featured on an Animated Series." Who knew such a thing existed, but it's apparently a valid claim to fame. It just goes to show, if you get specific enough with your criteria, we can all be bragging-rights worthy record holders someday. Someday.



It's far from high art, but The Simpsons has had more than its fair share of influence over the last 20-odd years. It doesn't hold quite the level of impact on social commentary as it did during its popularity heyday, but the show's persistence in the media marketplace is admirable. So long as Bart is still out there serving as a bad role model for children and imploring us to eat his shorts, The Simpsons will remain a pervasive element of pop culture in our society. in And hey, when that's over and done with, there's always syndicated reruns. So many, many reruns.

Memorable Dance Scenes in 80s and 90s Movies

There are certain movie moments that have an enduring impact, resonating with film-watchers long after they've left the theater or turned off the DVD. Dance scenes in particular resonate well with movie fans. When executed well, these moments have the power to morph into iconic imagery, inspiring their fair share of parody and mocking. We may all be sick of Pulp Fiction dance knock-offs, but it's a testament to the original that it's spawned so many lesser imitators. Much, much lesser.

While some of these movies may predate some of us children of 90s' birthdates by a year or two, their popularity was long-standing enough to make them a memorable part of our childhood. Whether you blame on VHS or incessant TV re-running, these movies are well-known to kids coming of age in the 90s. Plus, it would be pretty difficult to compile a list of favorite dance movie moments while completely overlooking the 80s; the easy cheesiness of 80s movies was a prime breeding ground for iconic dance scenes.

Just to be clear, there's a fine line in defining these categories here at Children of the 90s. Avid readers (I'm probably flattering myself here) may remember a feature entitled "80s and 90s Spontaneous Group Dance Scenes Where Everyone Knows Exactly What to Do." This blog has never been short on specificity. If we're splitting hairs, we (okay, I) may as well set some ground rules for these entirely different set of dance scene movie moments:

1. They're generally in character. Most of these moments don't have us suspending our disbelief at completely uncharacteristic behavior from our principal actors. The moves might be over-the-top or silly, but these dances are reasonably within the parameters of the characters' behavior and ability.

2. They may be prerehearsed. Unlike the She's All That style prom dance phenomenon, the majority of these dances involve some sort of choregraphing backstory. In the case of the 80s movies, these rehearsals are best shown to us in the form of a training montage, culminating in the achievement of a tough move timed at the most climactic moment in the corresponding background music. If the moment does occur spontaneously, it's realistically within the ability of our stars.

3. They usually involve relatively few dancers. Instead of large scale Fame-style scenes that could now be classified as formidable flash mobs, plain old "dance moments" are mostly sparsely populated affairs.

With those rules that I've just made up firmly in place, it's time to meet our contenders for memorable 80s and 90s movie dance scenes:


(I've Had) the Time of my Life (Dirty Dancing)


dirty dancing - time of my life (video)2
Uploaded by carlson.

Oh, how I once longed for Jennifer Grey's dress in this scene. It probably wouldn't be quite so twirly without the dancing talent, but I like to think wearing it would have given me the motivation to learn. Few of us can ever hear "(I've Had) the Time of my Life" without immediately thinking of the big lift at the end. It's also purportedly the third most popular song played at British funerals. That fact is from Wikipedia, so take it as you will, but if it's true it's incredibly ridiculous.


What A Feeling and Maniac (Flashdance)?



If you ever need inspiration for costuming yourself for an 80s party, look no further than Flashdance. This movie is an 80s cliche goldmine, from it's ripped-neck off the shoulder t-shirts to the ubiquitous leg warmers. The movie also serves as a great guide for how to cast your dance movie with a non-dancing star through heavy reliance on misleading body doubles. If she's wearing the same leg warmers, it's got to be the same person, right?



Footloose (Footloose)



Based on movie industry standards, we're all just a mere six degrees from starring in this movie. Really makes you feel a part of it, doesn't it? Kevin Bacon plays Ren, a city teen who finds himself in an oppressive small town with a serious aversion to rock n' roll. I do mean serious. Sense of humor isn't really the town's strong suit. Somehow, though, Ren stages a full 180, and everyone realizes just how great rock music and dancing can be. It's cheesy, but everyone seems to be having such a genuinely good time it's tough not to get caught up in it.


You Can Never Tell (Pulp Fiction)



This scene is pure Tarantino, a man who's vision can be pretty divisive. His work is very stylized, full of personal trademarks, meta-references, and usually reliant on a nonlinear storytelling method. Whether you love him or you hate him, it's tough to deny the appeal of this scene. Something about it just works. Maybe it's the way they seem to be taking themselves so seriously, or possibly it's the thrill of seeing John Travolta back in dancing action. Whatever it is, it all adds up to an incredibly memorable dance scene.


Tango (Scent of a Woman)



This truly is a beautiful scene, expertly choreographed and set to the instrumental "Por Una Corbeza". It's quieter and less outwardly dramatic than some of the dances on this list, but it's moving in its own right. As Lieutenant Colonel Slade tells Donna, "If you make a mistake and get all tangled up, just tango on." Wise words, indeed.


Old Time Rock n' Roll (Risky Business)



When I first started living by myself, I had to constantly repress my impulse to don men's briefs and some Wayfarer sunglasses while blasting some Bob Seger. After watching this movie, it can become a tough prospect to resist. That and turning your home into an impromptu brothel. Really, we all fall into that trap from time to time

Risky Business established Tom Cruise as a bona fide sex symbol, shaping his career for the better part of the next decade or so. Recently, his public image has gone sort of the way of Britney Spears; that is, their names were once used as incredibly favorable comparisons, they're still putting out arguably solid work, but their forays in crazy public behavior has led to a drop in their celebrity stock. Whenever I see clips of Tom Cruise couch-jumping with glee or accusing Matt Lauer of glibness, I try to block it all out with the image from the above scene. It's pretty powerful--it usually does the trick.



Chopsticks/Heart and Soul (Big)



Big is big on heart, effectively capturing the earnestness of children before they're inevitably ravaged by the cynicism of imagination-crushing adulthood. It may sound bleak, but there are moments of reprieve when we can transport ourselves back to our childhood mindset. That's why you're here reading, after all.

Tom Hanks plays a magically aged man-child, and his innocence and enthusiasm is contagious to his adult peers. Some might argue that this is not a dance per se, but if you've ever attempted any sort of cohesive melody on the giant piano mat at FAO Schwarz you know it takes an incredible amount of kinesthetic coordination. Dance or not, it's pretty darn heartwarming.



Dancing in Heaven (Girls Just Want to Have Fun)



It's entirely possible this movie played a significantly smaller role in your childhood than in mine, but as someone whose family owned a very limited number of VHS tapes my daily watching regimen was regularly split between this movie and The Sound of Music. On the sum of these alternating days, I watched Girls Just Want to Have Fun something like 200 times, yet I never managed to master the dance at their DTV final on-air competition. This movie's got the requisite 80s montage and tons of great dancing footage, not to mention some awesome costumes. If you ever see Helen Hunt's lizard hat in a thrift shop somewhere, please pick it up for me. I promise to pay you back.


Doesn't this all just make you want to have a life-affirming dance moment in your day? It seems like the perfect culminating event to wrap up your day's story line. Imagine how much more interesting a day at the office would be if the climax of your workday was marked by a Baby and Johnny-style dramatic lift? That's the world I'd like to someday live in. Someday.

Nintendo Game Boy

These days we have hundreds of games on our phones constantly at our immediate disposal, but once upon a time a portable video game was a real novelty. Back in the 90s, we were far more easily impressed with what may now be classified as basic technology. While today we might discount a video game system entirely if it fails to achieve HD picture quality and super realistic audio, at the time of the Game Boy's inception we were more than satiated by a few loosely connected moving pixels and a hearty round of irritatingly repetitive tones masquerading as background music. In case you can't quite hearken back to this simpler gaming time, allow this video to serve as a handy reminder:



Yes, that's right: the outrageous new game tetris! Spoken in a booming, can't-contain-his-raging-excitement voiceover, no less. This used to be the kind of stuff that truly impressed us. The revolutionary new video link wasn't too shabby, either. It may look primitive now, but this head-to-head portable gaming technology unleashed a wave of uncontrollable child excitement. Not only could we sneak this bulky, boxy gray battery-operated wonder into class with us, we could also connect to our friends' Game Boys under the desks.

Today, we might be irritated if we have to wait five seconds for a game to load, so it can be tough to recall a more patient, more easily entertained time. Upon the release of the Game Boy, many of us were pretty psyched just to learn it lasted a then-impressive 10 to 30 hours without a battery change. It might sound shoddy to us now, but contemporary handhelds could blow through batteries in as little as two hours. That endless battery life-sucking cycle is so expensive it makes crack addiction seem like a real bargain. No, Game Boy delivered on its promises to give us a better handheld video game device, and we reaped the benefits for hours. Well, 10 to 30 hours worth of benefits. We still had to keep a lot of batteries on hand.

At about ninety bucks a pop, Nintendo Game Boys were relatively cheap in comparison to their competitors' models. It may not have been in the reasonable reach of every family, but it made video games far more accessible. Our parents may have felt some guilt at allowing us hours of brainpower-zapping Game Boy time, but these things were incredibly effective at shutting us up for extended stretches of time. Ninety dollars is a relatively small price to pay for some peace and quiet. Well, sort of. If they failed to enable the mute button, our families had the pleasure of listening to endless hours of this:



Brings back the memories, doesn't it? I can almost feel the Tetris tetronimoes gradually gaining speed and eventually outwitting even the savviest of my shape-turning strategies. I've already waxed poetic at length here about the virtues of Tetris, but its profound impact on my childhood warrants extended examination. Tetris has all the makings of a true addiction. Have you ever noticed if you play Tetris frequently enough, you begin thinking in shape-fitting combinations? It even haunts your dreams. True story.

Tetris may have initially been the default favorite game because it came bundled with the purchase of an original Game Boy, but other games quickly achieved massive popularity as well. The Super Mario Land series was very well-received by Game Boy users, giving us new worlds and characters for our old buddy Mario. Super Mario Land was actually the first choice for bundling with the original Game Boy release, but Nintendo replaced it with Tetris on the assumption that Tetris held a more gender neutral appeal. As a girl who loved Mario games, I'm not totally buying the gender stereotype-enforcing reasoning, but there's probably some truth to it.



Yeah, that ad totally tells us to "give Mario a happy ending." Like I said, these were simpler times. Or maybe just times in which we were less aware of potentially hilarious double entrendres. Maybe.

Many of us also sought to "catch 'em all" in the persistently popular Pokemon games, the several versions of which sold millions of Game Boy cartridges worldwide. Considering the creator's idea for the Pokemon series was sparked by his experiences with childhood insect collecting, it turned out much cooler than you might expect. Of course, you couldn't actually kill the Pokemon, they'd just pass out for a brief nap. You could, however, link to your friends' Game Boys and trade Pokemons. That part was pretty cool. It didn't quite make up for the no-kill environment, but to be fair, the Pokemon fainting was kind of adorable.




The Legend of Zelda series was also a major seller, proving kids everywhere love solving puzzles and defeat dungeons. The plot's main storyline centered around the task of rescuing the princess Zelda, which seems to have been a major Nintendo archetype of the time. This commercial is for the NES version of the game, not the Game Boy one, but it's so hilarious I just have to share it with you. From the "WHOA! NICE GRAPHICS!" to the rad rap and the disclaimer about your parents helping you set it up, this is pure, unfiltered early-era Nintendo goodness:



Following the release of the original came the more compact Game Boy Pocket and my personal favorite, the Game Boy Camera. I never actually had the privilege of owning one of these beauties, but it remains a long-standing dream of mine even after the technology has gone defunct. I'm still not totally sure what the appeal is, but it may have had something to do with the fact that digital cameras were still a novel concept at the time. We can take photos on just about anything these days, but there was something sort of endearing about taking them with a Game Boy, don't you think?



Nearly ten years after the release of the original Game Boy came the new edition in the form of the Game Boy color. It's a little humorous now how minimally colorized the screen actually looks in the first commercial, but at the time it was a pretty impressive innovation. By this point, we were well on our way to achieving the clear and colorized graphics of today's small gaming devices.



The Game Boy wasn't the first handheld video gaming system on the market, but Nintendo's product was both accessible and successful. For those of us who lost countless hours to Tetris and Pokemon, we may not be any wiser for it, but maybe we exhibit quicker finger flicking reflexes. That's got to come in handy someday, right? I'm sure of it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go listen to that Tetris music on repeat. It's just that good.

Number One Hits of the 90s: 1994 Edition

Welcome to a brand new feature here at Children of the 90s. We've spent a lot of time looking at one-hit wonders, but what about those lucky few who may have gone on to sell more records? Multiple-hit wonders deserve 90s love too. If you're going to use these lists as fodder for worthy iTunes 90s playlists, you should probably have some variety. I wouldn't want all your friends thinking you're only into fleetingly popular musicians, now, would I?

So, with the readers best interests at heart (you know, like always) I present the new Top Charting Hits feature. Here's your chance to reminisce at the ridiculous songs we loved so dearly that we sent them soaring to the top of the Billboard top 100 charts.

This list should hopefully bring forth since-repressed memories of traumatic school dances, Bar Mitzvah party slow dance fiascos, and haunt-you-for-life level embarrassing talent show performances. If you're brave, feel free to share yours in the comments section of this post. Here, to make you feel more comfortable, I'll get this party started: a DJ played "I'll Make Love to You" at probably every middle school dance I ever attended. Not only was it totally inappropriate, but it was also comically unfit for our preferred method of slow dancing: arms extended straight to ensure maximum distance between us and our partner of the opposite sex. Perhaps they should have recorded a junior high dance version entitled, "I'll Make Love to You...From a Distance."


Hero (Mariah Carey)



Geez, Mariah Carey has been pumping out top-charting hits for over 15 years now. No wonder she feels she has license to marry desirable younger men and dress in lavishly diva-esque outfits: she's earned that right. I'm pretty sure we sang this song in our 7th grade chorus, but our arrangement undoubtedly did no justice to the belt-it-out singer's version. The song might have highlighted our inner strength, but it also brought forth our outer vocal weakness. Sorry, Mariah. You deserved better.


All for Love (Sting/Brian Adams/Rod Stewart)



It takes a special occasion to bring together a group of prominent artists. You know, like recording a track The Three Musketeers movie soundtrack. That was the case with Sting, Rod Stewart, and Brian Adams' hit single "All for Love." Maybe they just all happened to have a lot of free time that weekend. To their credit, the song is much better than the movie.


The Power of Love (Celine Dion)



Celine Dion had quite a thing going in the 90s. This song was a major international hit, cementing Dion's position as a global superstar. The song is actually a cover of a 1985 Jennifer Rush song. Rush's original version charted well outside the US, but the song was unfamiliar to wide American audiences. Like the song, Celine Dion was similarly lesser known amongst American music listeners, so it was a good fit.


The Sign (Ace of Base)



Admittedly, a video like this would get laughed out of a music vid countdown these days. It's just so heavy on the over-the-top slow motion, super-imposing special effects. Luckily, they don't really show music videos on TV much anymore, so it's sort of a moot point.

Ace of Base were some of the foremost artists of the wave of mid-90s Europop hits. "The Sign" is undeniably catchy, repetitive, and it has a beat you can dance to. Well, a beat you can dance to using signature 90s moves. It might not jive so well with the dance styles most popular on today's club scene, but in the 90s it was a near-perfect fit.

Of course, some of you may also remember this classic Full House cover version by Steph, Gia and friends. I must say, it is totally necessary for them to have that many instruments in their ensemble.




Stay (I Missed You) (Lisa Loeb)



It's a rare accomplishment to hear your hit single on the radio without even procuring a record deal, but Lisa Loeb achieved just that with her 1994 release "Stay (I Missed You)". The song gained popularity from its position on the much-hyped Reality Bites movie soundtrack. Lisa Loeb has a certain likability; she just seems nice. Maybe it's her glasses. That said, Loeb is probably responsible for hundreds of sexy librarian fantasies amongst boys coming of age in the 90s.


Bump n' Grind (R Kelly)



Back in the days before R. Kelly found himself entrenched in lawsuits and scandals, he was putting out solid number one hits like this one. Okay, so "solid" is pretty open to interpretation, but let's just all agree the album falls more clearly into that defined category than gaseous or liquid. His moves in this video are pure 90s slow jam, by the way. Classic performance stance, plus we get some bonus zoom moments on our video girls in their spelunking hard hats. If that's not sexy, I don't know what is.


I'll Make Love to You (Boyz II Men)



This platinum-selling single held the top spot on the Billboard charts for a then-record 14 weeks. It was wildly popular at the time, and, as I mentioned above, often awkwardly played in adolescent slow dance/slow roller skate-type situations. Just imagine the sheer number of people who have played this song during their most intimate moments--Boyz II Men probably deserves some form of honorable mention from cheesy music-loving men everywhere for sufficiently setting the mood.


I Swear (All 4 One)



All 4 One proved that Boyz II Men hadn't cornered the market on harmony-rich R&B male vocal groups. "I Swear" was their only major hit, but it made an indelible impact. There are few of us 90s kids out there who couldn't immediately fill-in-the-blanks for the lyrics following the "I swear..." lead in. In case you can't, it's "By the moon and the stars in the sky." Just for the record.


Here Comes the Hotstepper (Ini Kamoze)



I was pretty sure I'd never heard of this song until I listened to it and realized I knew it well, but had no idea the words were "Here comes the hotstepper, murderer." It always sounded to me more like "Here comes mmm mmm mmm mmm, turn it up!" It was Kamoze's sole number one hit in the US, but he definitely made his mark. Who can resist singing along to that "Na, na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na, na na na na" part? Yes, I counted those out, and yes, my count might be wrong. Deal with it.


On Bended Knee (Boyz II Men)



Boyz II Men were just about everywhere in the 90s. We were all suckers for well-arranged harmony, which explains for the explosion in boy bands in the later part of the decade. The Boyz were kings of the ballad during this time, cranking out slow jam after slow jam for our easy listening pleasure. "On Bended Knee" ascended to number one in December of 1994, reinforcing the band's popularity by reaching the milestone of replacing their own number one song (previously "I'll Make Love to You") with a new number one song. Boyz II Men is one of only a few acts to achieve this feat; the preceding benchmark-holders were The Beatles. Impressive stuff.


So, there you have it: the number one hits of 1994. Some are worth remembering, while others yet we may sooner wish to wipe from our memories entirely. One thing is for sure: at least one of these songs should embed itself somewhere deep within the fiber of your skull and play itself on incessant repeat until you can bear no more. It's just the way of catchy 90s singles. You'll thank me for the memories just as soon as you can extricate those pounding beats from your cerebral cortex.

80s and 90s Celebrity Endorsements

What impels us to buy something? Is it the quality of the item? The masterful craftsmanship? Maybe our deep sense of brand loyalty? Or, possibly, is it just because we saw someone famous using the product? They're cool and they use it, so my exceptional powers of deductive reasoning would lead me to believe that I too have the potential for coolness if only I would shell out the $19.99 plus shipping and handling for this incredibly handy and definitely not useless item.

The 90s would have most of us believing our reason to buy stems from the latter. Celebrity endorsements were everywhere, with actors, musicians, sports stars, and television personalities picking up side gigs hawking for every imaginable product. We couldn't turn on the TV or flip open a magazine without seeing our favorite stars' testimonials to some product or other that they were certain we had to have. Granted, our voyeurism had not yet reached Perez Hilton 24hour celebrity watchdog level, so it's possible these stars didn't have quite the level of influence and sway over us. That sounds suspiciously like a defensive excuse, though, from someone who bought a piece of junk because a celebrity told her to. Hey, I'm not saying it was me, but...okay, it was me. I'm still kicking myself for drinking milk just because those Got Milk? ads drew me in their catchy celebrity mustachioed photos with accompanying blurbs. I knew I should have listened to Fred Savage and had a Pepsi instead.

This strategy, like any marketing style, has its pitfalls. Recently we've seen companies pull the plug on celebrity spokespeople following some form of public relations debacle, such as in the cases of Kate Moss's cocaine allegations and Tiger Wood's insatiable appetite for questionable women. Having a celebrity as your spokesperson can undoubtedly lend some credibility and clout to your product, but there's no guarantee your chosen celebrity will conduct himself in a manner aligned with your company's public image.

The list below is by no means exhaustive; countless celebrities signed on to promotional deals during the decade. It does highlight some of the more interesting backstories, though:


George Foreman Grill


Reclaiming the heavyweight championship at the overripe age of 45 is pretty impressive, but that feat has since been nearly eclipsed by George Foreman's later success as a fat-busting grilling entrepreneur. Even though most of us knew Foreman as a tough guy boxer, he seemed almost cuddly in these commercial spots. It's tough to say exactly what impelled all of us to purchase these allegedly diet-supporting device from a man whose career was dependent on his maintenance of a heavy weight, but it was pretty fun to watch all of that fat drain off of our burgers.


Kathy Lee Gifford for Wal-Mart


When your PR firm tries to foresee potential damage control situations for a celebrity-endorsed product, it's unlikely they'd come up with something quite as damaging as this one. Kathy Lee Gifford, then famous for her co-hosting gig on Regis and Kathy Lee, teamed up with Wal-Mart in the mid-90s to produce a clothing line. The line seemed to be a mutually beneficial deal until evidence surfaced that the Kathy Lee clothing was being produced at a Honduras sweatshop by young teenage girls. Even worse, the girls received around 31 cents an hour for up to 75 hours of weekly work. When the news broke, it was nothing short of a devastating scandal for both parties.


Paula Abdul for LA Gear

I have to say, these commercials were pretty convincing. Celebrities have endorsed flashy products for years, but perhaps never so literally as the LA Lights sneakers. As Paula says in the commercial, "Nobody tells me what to wear." This probably could have used an amendment like "...except the good people at LA Gear, who are telling me to wear these shoes in exchange for financial gain."


Michael Jordan for Nike

This one is pretty much a no-brainer: find the most successful and talented sports player of your time, and get him to shill for your sports-themed product. Even the least prestigious products can afford a sellout like, say, Shaq, but it takes a special type of product to draw in a Michael Jordan. I loved watching him on the Bulls, but I admit that Space Jam sealed the deal for me. To this day whenever I'm in the market for Hanes tagless t-shirts, I reassure myself of the purchase with a heartfelt, "It's what Michael Jordan would want me to do."


Michael Jordan and Larry Bird for McDonalds

If you take nothing else away from this commercial, consider Jordan's example of bringing a Big Mac along to the gym. It's like smoking a cigarette while jogging. Sure, you're working out, but the second variable is bringing you right back down to health baseline. This was shown in two parts during the Superbowl, culminating in a basketball shooting contest with the ultimate prize: a Big Mac. I'm sure that these professional athletes gain no greater satisfaction from their sport than the thrill of earning their very own two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, on a sesame seed bun.


Madonna for Pepsi

You know you're in trouble when the Vatican is condemning your commercial. Madonna debuted her "Like a Prayer" single in a Pepsi ad, soon after releasing


Bill Cosby for Jello

Anyone who has ever attempted a Bill Cosby impression knows the most immediately recognizable elements to incorporate are invariably a vibrantly hued thick-knit sweater and a solid (gelatinous?) command of his classic Jell-O commercials. They're easily mockable, sure, but they are ultimately memorable, so it seems like the joke's on us: the advertising stuck.


Eric Clapton for Anhauser-Busch

If you want to split hairs, this ad series debuted in 1988, but it's just too juicy to leave off the list. Clapton appeared in the ads shilling for Micheloeb with a version of "After Midnight." Unfortunately for the people at Anhauser-Busch, by the time these ads came out Clapton had admitted himself to a rehab facility and admitted to struggling with alcoholism. Yikes. Not exactly the implied message you want attached to your product. "Drink our beer....until you need professional intervention to stop."


Countless Celebrities for Got Milk?


These print ads were hugely popular throughout the 90s and beyond, with innumerable celebrities signing on to be a part of the mustachioed fun. The list of celebrity endorsers would elongate this post to about four times its legal limit, but suffice it to say most celebrities felt confident and secure aligning themselves with the generally non-controversial dairy industry.


Alyssa Milano, Mr. T, Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Arquette, Michael Jordan, Ed O'Neill, and many, many more for various collect calling services

Services like 1-800-Collect and 10-10-220 (and other various random number combinations repeated daily to us via celebrity spokespeople) were everywhere in the 90s. With the widespread use of cell phones, these functions have slid into obscurity, but back in the 90s they were a legitimate necessity for some callers. To attract callers to use their respective services, companies enlisted the help of many, many different celebrities to urge us to dial their code so they could get paid already. I mean, so we could have cheaper long distance rates. Something like that.


Whether or not we like to admit it, the rich and famous have influence over our daily decisions. Their endorsement of a product or service may not convince us to buy it, but it certainly couldn't hurt. Unless, you know, it erupts in a huge public scandal like some of these did. In those cases, it probably hurt. I retract my previous statement.

90s Tearjerker Movies

Sometimes, we all just need a good cry. Watching a great tearjerker is a bittersweet experience: the emotional release can be enjoyable, but the sadness lingers. I'm still not totally over the whole Bambi's-mom-getting-knocked-off-by-a-hunter thing. It haunts me still.

It's a testament to the quality and effectiveness of a movie when it has the power to make you reach for the Kleenex. Bonus points if it warrants a whole box. When a movie moves you to tears, it allows you to really let it all out. Plus, it's totally embarrassing if there are other people around. Some tips? I recommend pretending you have a bad cold or a loose contact lens. Practically foolproof.

Defining a solid tearjerker is tenuous territory. Plenty of movies have the power to move us, but only some give you that satisfying release of a much-needed cry. Some might be heavy contenders for tears on the basis of subject matter alone--for example, a well-executed war movies. This list, however, focuses more on the non-violent genre. Or, dare I say it, girlier movies. Okay, fine, chick flicks. But I threw in a few neutral picks as well, so, you know. You're welcome.

You're more than welcome to add your own favorite cry-a-minute picks to the list in the comment section. It can serve as a reliable reference for when the next cryfest urge hits. So, whether you consider yourself to be an emotional lightweight or possess tear ducts of unmovable steel, here are some movies likely to make you bawl like a little girl...whether or not you ever were one:



Titanic


If you're watching Titanic at will, you can't say they didn't warn you; it's a pretty sure bet you know just what you're getting yourself into. On the off chance you don't, spoiler alert: the boat sinks. Rose swears to Jack that she'll never let go, but then he freezes to death and she lets go. Not much for follow through, don't you think? Joking aside, it still gets me every time. I'm only partially embarrassed to admit I usually keep a fully stocked Kleenex supply on hand if the Titanic mood ever strikes.


Ghost


You've got to miss Patrick Swayze when you consider the tearjerking reflex of Ghost. The movie examines a murdered man's posthumous observation of his former lover in mourning. Ghost has some interesting ideas about what happens to our loved ones when they die, striking a tearful chord with any movie-watchers who have ever lost someone close to them. Throw in that much-satirized pottery wheel scene and you've got yourself a surefire cry session.


Selena



As a kid I could watch this one over and over again, though I think I may have been more interested in Selena's spangly stage outfits than her eventual demise at the hands of her fan club president. It's an interesting story, even more so because it's a ripped from the headlines account of a likable teenage girl poised on the brink of potential stardom. Jennifer Lopez's portrayal of the Mexican-American singer is believable and sweet; you can't help but feel for her family, friends, and fans for her tragic murder. There's also some really catchy music as an added bonus, so it's sort of a twofer.


Steel Magnolias



Take one look at this cast and tell me this isn't the ultimate chick flick. It out-chicks the rest of the genre on cast alone. I mean, really. Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine, Sally Field...they've really got all chick flick hands on deck with this one. Based on the play of the same name, Steel magnolias explores the relationships between a group of close-knit Southern women as they encounter various obstacles in their lives. The movie throws around a lot of funny one-liners toward the beginning, so the whole tragedy/death thing sort of sneaks up on you. Let me tell you though, it's a doozy,


What's Eating Gilbert Grape?



Gilbert (Johnny Depp) lives his small town life with his a 500-pound widowed mother, a developmentally disabled younger brother (Leonardo DiCaprio), and a married lover (Mary Steenburgen.) The movie has an offbeat oddball warmth and appeal, endearing us to this dysfunctional family. What's Eating Gilbert Grape isn't showy and high-minded. It shows us everyday life at its most basic and mundane, making it all the more affective. Bring on the tissues.


Stepmom


Here's a handy hint: if one of your movie's major characters is terminally ill, it's pretty darn likely that movie will try its hardest to elicit uncontrollable sobbing. Like Roberts' other film on this list, it starts out heavy on the humor and then gets us when we've let down our defenses and are at our most movie-watching vulnerable. I remember the previews for this movies hinted nothing about anyone dying a slow and painful death, so many of us were stuck wiping our eyes on our sleeves and popcorn wrappers. I was totally unprepared for this one.


My Girl



Vada (Anna Chlumsky) is an eleven year old hypochondriac whose widower father is in the disconcerting funeral parlor biz. The movie follows Vada through her everyday trials on her path to adolescence, detailing her crushes, friendships, and social tribulations. Her best friend, Thomas J (Macaulay Culkin) is deathly allergic to bee stings, so surprise surprise, he gets stung. That's when the floodgates really opened for me. That scene in the woods is pretty brutal. The movie has no shortage of heart, so at least the ending


The Piano


It takes a very well-conceived and well-executed movie to leave you uneasy and haunted after watching it, and The Piano pulls it off skillfully. The story is intriguing: a mute pianist with a daughter forced by her family into an arranged marriage. It explores emotions in an interesting way, and the result is a movie we are willing to invest in emotionally.


Edward Scissorhands



Who would've thought a movie about a man with shears for hands could be so touching? Johnny Depp is truly masterful as Edward Scissorhands in this quirky but ultimately moving movie from Tim Burton. The product of a mad inventor's experiment, Edward lives as an isolated outsider. Not only does this movie have the potential to make you cry, it also allows you to marvel over the fact that the villainous character is played by Anthony Michael Hall. The role is certainly a far cry from his brat pack days. It just goes to show, if you eventually beef up go through puberty, you may have a whole new world of evil-tinged roles at your fingertips.


Jerry Maguire


Finally, a movie a guy can feel comfortable sobbing uncontrollably at. It's okay: it's about sports! The bulk of the movie is an earnest depiction of Jerry's quest for happiness on a career path paved by ruthless success. Throw in Renee Zellweger, though, and you've got yourself a serious cry fest. She pretty much had us at hello.


Philadelphia


At a time when AIDS was still largely off-limits subject matter for popular entertainment, Philadelphia delivers a story about AIDS that is both moving and respectful. Tom Hanks plays Andrew Beckett, a gay lawyer in Philadelphia who has not come out to his coworkers. As he begins to show signs of illness, he suspects he has been framed by his firm to give reasonable cause to firing him. Hanks' performance is a testament to the power of an actor to make us feel for his plight and symp0athize with his situation. At a time when AIDS was largely a taboo subject, Philadelphia gave us a realistic and human look at its impact.


Free Willy



This movie forever changed my ability to visit Sea World. It's not that I can't, because let's be honest here, I have; it's more that it leaves me with a sort of undefinable sadness. Not so much at the whole entrapped and forced to do tricks thing, but more that I'll never have an orca of my own to dramatically jump over me at just the right moment. I've been waiting patiently, but the moment has yet to present itself.


It takes a special sort of movie to bring forth such strong emotions, but if you're in the mood for a good cry any of the above movies should more than fit the bill. They are not all fine works of high-concept cinema, but they will definitely do the trick. Just don't forget the Kleenex multi-pack: you're going to need it.

Children of the 90s is Still on Vacation...In the Meantime, Please Enjoy this Classic Post on Super Soakers

Children of the 90s is on vacation...please excuse this interruption from your regularly scheduled nostalgia programming. In the meantime, please enjoy this classic Children of the 90s post from way back when in the blog's early days. Not many people were reading, so you might be seeing it for the first time. How exciting is that? It's like a new post all over again. Almost.

Without further ado, I present this classic post: Super Soakers



Kids today have it too easy. Forget the value of dedication and hard work that so defined our generation. Their need for instant gratification continuously pushes aside their pioneering spirit of industry and diligence.

That's right, I'm talking about water guns. In our day, we knew the meaning of painstaking commitment to getting the job done. There was none of this "press the trigger and water sprays" nonsense. We would pump those Super Soaker air-pressure chambers until our fingers blistered, but it would all be worth it to spray our friends standing fifty yards away.

Originally christened the "PowerDrencher", Super Soakers burst onto the scene at the tail end of the 1980s. Approaching the 90s, toy water gun producers had fallen upon hard times, garnering flack from all sides on their regrettably realistic renderings of actual weaponry:

(image of Larami Uzi via iSoaker.com)

With parents and lawmakers increasingly conscious of how violent toys and media impacted the impressionable youth of America, these troublingly accurate imposters were on the way out. Water guns needed a new, updated image to distance themselves from their connotations of violence and war. What they needed was a light-hearted, neon-colored remastered water gun prototype with a distinctly non-military name.

At the prime meeting of timing and technology, inventor Lonnie Johnson and toy-maker Larami teamed up to produce a new water gun that fully diverted from the warlike water weapons of the past:



Super Soakers had a distinctly different tone from preceding water guns, and the ad conveys the odd sense of whimsy associated with their product. Though the commercial prominently features the theme of revenge, we can only assume that stereotypical 90's rich girl Buffy really had it coming. Also, who could resist the throwback to the Blues Brothers in their execution of their masterminded pool party-ruining scheme? This is 90s advertising as its finest.

Revolutionary in design, Super Soakers required their wielders to pump pressurized air into a separate chamber on the water gun that would build up the power to shoot water at great distances. While updated models abandoned this arm-exhausting mechanism, a great deal of the fun was contingent on that re-arming period. You felt that you had really earned that shot. You worked hard for it, and the results were spetacular. Plus, there was that awesome water bottle chamber with super-accesible fillability.

Unfortunately, while Super Soakers of today may possess greater power and precision, their R&D department's insistence on churning out novel products have led them to...well, new lows. In an effort to keep this blog in the PG range, I am not going to comment on the following video. Rather, I leave it to you to deduce from it what you will. Let's just say it stirred up quite a bit of controversy among children's advocate groups for its...provacative implications. I'm going to leave it at that.




Check it out:
Super Soaker Evolutionary Family Tree
AV Club Spoof of Hasboro Oozinator Marketing Meeting

Children of the 90s is on Vacation...In the Meantime, Please Enjoy This Classic Salute Your Shorts Post

Children of the 90s is on vacation...please excuse this interruption from your regularly scheduled nostalgia programming. In the meantime, please enjoy this classic Children of the 90s post from way back when in the blog's early days. Not many people were reading, so you might be seeing it for the first time. How exciting is that? It's like a new post all over again. Almost.

Without further ado, I present this classic post: Salute Your Shorts



Does the name "Zeke the Plumber" still send chills of terror down your spine? Do you still wonder what happened to the buried treasure of ex-counselor Sarah Madre? Do you continue to lose sleep wondering about the appearance and whereabouts of mysterious camp owner, Dr. Kahn? Does the seemingly inocuous phrase "awful waffle" make you wince in pain? Well, you may be a Salute Your Shorts junkie.

Don't worry, though, you're not alone. Many of us children of the 90s suffer a similar affliction. There was a wonderfully effective cure available briefly in the 90s that aired Saturdays at 5:30 p.m. Unfortunately, the treatment is no longer available and those of us still suffering withdrawal are forced to self-medicate with YouTube clips. You can put yourself on the waiting list for long-term treatment (found here), but the outlook isn't good.

In a way, we all grew up at Camp Anwanna. We had all of our favorite standard 90s characters: The hero, the princess, the bully, the new-age oddball, the jock, the nerd, and the butt-of-the-jokes chubby one. They were all under the semi-tyrannical rule of Kevin "Ug" Lee, (get it? Ug Lee? Ugly? Witty, yes?) their authoritarian counselor charged with keeping this wacky mismatched group of campers in line. I went to various summer camps for 14 years, and I don't know a single one of my old camp songs by heart. I do, however, have the uncanny ability to remember all of the lyrics and produce mental screenshots of the Camp Anawanna song:

"We run, we jump, we swim and plaaaay. We row and go on trips
But the things that last foreveeeeeer are our dear friendships.

Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts
And when we think about you--it makes me wanna fart!
--"It's 'I hope we never part'
Now get it right or pay the price!"

Now we will share a lifetime of the fondest memories
By the lake of Anawanna...set in the old pine trees!

Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts
And when we think about you (This thing came apart)

Think Anawannawanna, Speak Anawannawanna, Live Anawannawanna. Ug!"

Here is a clip of the season 2 version of the theme song, which differs from the original in one initially indetectable but extremely significant way:



Seems normal enough, right? You're probably thinking to yourself, why that's exactly how I remember it! Let's do a character run-down and I think you'll see the slight discrepancy to which I was referring:



Bobby Budnick, our charming resident bully. You may be thinking to yourself, how can a guy with a flaming red mullet be a bully? In most other settings, wouldn't he be relentlessly mocked for merely existing with such an unfortunate aesthetic? Yes, but this was summer camp. This was also the nineties, where a mullet and cut-off t-shirts is more than enough to declare your bad-ass status. Budnick was forever playing tricks on his unsuspecting and less antisocial peers, most notably when he told the nightmare-inducing Zeke the Plumber ghost story to the other campers and set up scare traps across Anawanna. Well, he got what was coming to him when they saw him screaming like a girl in those spider webs. Eh? Am I right? Also, Budnick seemed to be a virtual fountain of contraband available for sale to his fellow campers. He was a big fan of the empty thread "...or I'll pound you," in which his mullet and cut-off t-shirt bad-assedness it emphasized by forever unrealized forbodence of pounding (which I am going to hope for all of our sakes is a euphemism for beating someone up.)



Donkeylips, the disgustingly monikered hapless fat kid. He was generally relegated to the role of thankless lackey and sidekick to the aforementioned Mr. Budnick. Donkeylips represented those feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in all of us; his premature cynical outlook and unquenching desire to be liked was certainly recognizable. Oh, and did I mention he was fat? Boy, was he fat! Despite all of those deep character traits, his unfortunate chubbiness was more often than not the major Donkeylips punchline.




Sponge, the smart nerdy one. Like any good 90s show, his intelligence and social ineptitude is characterized by his character's need for glasses. Apparently, popularity was reserved for those of us with superior eyesight. This nebbish little bowl-cutted pipsqueak sometimes veered dangerously close to the Screech zone, but was generally more brainy than irritating. You can also see in the intro that he enjoys science based on his penchant for dressing skeleton models in his own clothing and examining them with a magnifying glass (obviously the correlation between vision-enhancers and nerdiness is deeper-set than we'd originally thought.) They call him Sponge because he absorbs things. Get it? Like a Sponge! Oh, Salute Your Shorts. What zany nicknames will you think of next?




Telly, the girl jock. Yes, a girl jock. How progressive is that? Telly was relatively bright and normal, by Camp Anawanna standards. She was largely unexceptional when cast against her madcap caricatures of camper peers. If anything, the most unusual thing about our friend Telly (aside from her sharing a name with a certain contemporary Sesame Street monster) shows up in the opening credits. Telly's real name is Venus DeMilo. I kid you not. Her parents actually named her that. Whenever I pop out a child I too usually think to myself, geez, this thing really looks like an ancient Greek sculpture. I can only assume she was born with broken-off arms, or else there's really no explanation.

(the other Venus DeMilo)

Dina, our little Princess. What camp would be complete without one? Her range of hysteria generally ranged from the inability to select the appropriate outfits to the crushing disappointment of chipping a nail. Who says they don't write good parts for women on TV? My favorite-ever Dina storyline was when she went out with Budnick and required him to dress like a preppy square to meet her country-club standards. Oh, Dina! When will you learn? She did, however, accidentally ask Donkeylips to a dance once but ended up enjoying herself, so I'll let her accrue a few niceness points for that one.



ZZ, the requisite eccentric Kumbaya-er. I suppose you could blame her blondeness for her flightiness, but her ocean off oddness ran a bit deeper than ditziness. ZZ was into the environment, and frequently conversed with inanimate objects to illustrate her love and compassion for them. That sounds normal, right? She sometimes went a little off the deep end, and I'm not just talking about during Instructional Swim. A very loud audio version of ZZ playing one of her save-the-world songs on guitar can be found here, but I caution you that her anger brings forth a lot of unwarranted microphone feedback.



Ug, O great god of zinc oxide nose precautionary application. We all sometimes worry that we're going to get an awful sunburn not so much here or here, but right here. He was your basic authority figure standing in the way of general fun and mayhem, but occasionally he let them get away with a fun thing or two. Also, in the intro we learn that he plays a mean piano.

So, that brings us to Michael. What's that you say? Michael's not in the intro? How odd. Why ever could that be?



Surprisingly blond for someone named Michael Stein, Michael was the show's obligatory everyman. His main identifiable quality is that he's an all around nice, normal guy in a sea of insanity. It is for Michael's unfortunate experience that the show was named, as the first episode featured a sequence in which Budnick and Donkeylips stole his boxer shorts, ran them up the flagpole, and spiritedly saluted them.

They change that sequence in the second (and last) season intro. Why, you may ask. What could they possibly be trying to cover up?

Oh, right. That Michael has been swiftly and quietly replaced by this guy:




Michael mysteriously comes down with the chicken pox, and as is wont to happen in these types of situations, his parents decide to take him hiking in Switzerland for the remainder of the summer. Don't fight it, it makes perfect sense. Obviously the camp's waiting list is spectacularly full, as Ronnie Pinsky (above) replaces Michael just a few hours after his departure. Ronnie goes on to fill the Michael void, essentially assuming all of Michael's major character traits and serving as a sort-of stand-in Michael for the remainder of the series.

It should also be noted that the actor who played Ronnie Pinsky, Blake Sennett (though credited as Blake Soper in the series) is now the lead guitarist for indie rock band Rilo Kiley. Wait, what? Really? For those of you unfamiliar with the indie music scene, you may recognize their song "Portions for Foxes" from the Grey's Anatomy pilot (which, let's be honest, anyone unfamiliar with the indie scene is pretty likely to watch Grey's Anatomy).


So there you have it. Despite the Michael/Ronnie switcharoo, the show maintained its quality and wit throughout its two season run. Thank you, Salute Your Shorts, for bringing us hours of childhood diversion and entertainment with your wacky storylines and gloriously likable one-dimensional characters.

For that, we salute you.

Did you know? 90s Disney Voice-Over Edition

Voice acting is a great gig. Compared to having a major role in a live-action feature film, working as a voice actor allows a far more relaxed and simple commitment. In other words? It's an easy gig. You provide the vocals, and some artsy animator types provide all the rest. Not too shabby.

To draw in audiences, animation studios will often seek out big-name actors whose names they can shamelessly splash across promotional posters. In the case of Disney, this sometimes meant they had to cast a second actor for the singing parts, but all in all, it was worth it to boast the headliner.

Early in animation history, voice actors were typically low-profile highly specialized individuals without existing careers in live action film or television. These skilled voice actors were capable of producing a range of voices, so studios often cut down on costs by hiring few actors to play several roles. As time went on, however, animation studios were eager to replace these multitalented no-names with a bunch of expensive live action actors who could only speak in their own street voices. Sounds like a good deal, right?

Love it or hate it, celebrity voice actors certainly help put butts in the theater seats. In the 90s, Disney pulled in a wealth of big-name stars to offer the voice tracks to their animated features. The quantity of celebrities who lent their voices to Disney films is far too abundant to fully catalog here, so let's take a look at a selected few of the most famous and/or surprising voice actor selections:


Timon: Nathan Lane


My favorite part of this clip is the line, "What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?" As if Nathan Lane dressing up in drag was a shocking revelation. I think we've all seen that before in The Birdcage...and, if we can be candid here, he looks way more like Margaret Thatcher than a hula aficionado.


Simba: Jonathan Taylor Thomas/Matthew Broderick




Disney offered us a great one-two punch with the child and adult versions of The Lion King's Simba: Randy from Home Improvement and Ferris Bueller. As a child, I was really excited about the prospect of JTT, but in retrospect Broderick is likely the bigger name. Neither actually provided the singing voices for the character, but they both lent their voices to create a believably lovable lion.


Aladdin: Scott Weinger



You know, Steve from Full House? DJ's endlessly food-consuming letter jacket-wearing boyfriend? He's not necessarily a huge name celebrity, but most of us children of the 90s are more than familiar with him.


Oliver: Joey Lawrence



Whoa! Who knew? Joey from Blossom is Oliver. I certainly had no idea. Now that I think of it, though, it's completely adorable.


Lumiere: Jerry Orbach



That's right, the man also known as Detective Briscoe from Law and Order and Baby's father from Dirty Dancing is the voice of our smooth-talking French candelabra. I may be being a bit facetious; Jerry Orbach has a long resume of stage, film, and television credentials that I'm totally overlooking here. That said, I'll always think of him as Dorothy's boyfriend Glen from Golden Girls.


Genie: Robin Williams



Ladies and gentlemen, Robin Williams as...Robin Williams. In fact, in most 90s movies Robin Williams played some version of himself, but possibly none quite as pronounced as this one.


Mrs Potts: Angela Lansbury



Jessica Lansbury from Murder, She Wrote as a singing teapot? No wonder old people love this song so much.


Esmerelda: Demi Moore



They sort of look alike, don't they? Demi Moore and Esmerelda have a certain resemblance, though their choice of mate varies pretty significantly. As far as I know, Quasimodo never punk'd anyone.


Mufasa: James Earl Jones



That's right, Mufasa is Darth Vader. They're not that different really; one's a masked intergalactic hero-fathering villain and the other's a pride-leading Lion who dies prematurely. Wait, where was I going with this? They're pretty damn different,


John Smith: Mel Gibson



Mel Gibson, wary of cultures other than his own? Never! It's a bit of a stretch, don't you think?


Thomas: Christian Bale



Yes, Batman is John Smith's settler friend. For some reason, even though all of these settlers are supposed to be English, only some of them actually sound British; Bale and Gibson have American accents. I guess they adapted quickly to life in the New World.


Woody and Buzz Lightyear: Tom Hanks and Tim Allen



In 1995, Toy Story impressed us with more than just its innovative computer animation technology; it also boasted two very big-name celebrity voice actors for its principal roles. Tom Hanks plays Woody, a displaced favorite cowboy whose moment in the toybox sun is waning. Tim Allen is Buzz Lightyear, a new and flashier astronaut action figure who is completely unaware that he's a toy and not an actual intergalactic voyager. The two actors play well off of one another, sparring convincingly with strong comedic energy.

Hanks and Allen returned in 1999 for a sequel and again in the upcoming summer 2010 Toy Story 3. It's a rare event when a Disney film produces a theatrical sequel instead of a subpar straight-to-video installment, and even rarer to see a third theatrical feature. The return of the celebrity voice actors--Hanks, Allen, and the rest of the gang--is a testament to their faith in the quality of the film; in a lot of these sequels, the original actors want nothing to do with the sinking ship of a straight-to-DVD franchise. We've got high hopes for the final film in the trilogy. Hopefully our veteran voice actors will not disappoint.

Professional voice actors may have multifaceted skills that far exceed the capability of celebrity voice actors, but there is a certain appeal to attaching big name voices to your animated feature. If nothing else, it's fun to spend the movie trying to figure out where you've heard that voice before. These actors may not have the range of specialized cartoon voice actors, but they do have the power to amuse and entertain us. Plus, it makes for some entertaining behind-the-scenes with the voice actors DVD special features. Isn't that really what it's all about?