Aqua

There's a lot to say for a musical act whose breakthrough hit was a techno remix of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". There's probably even more to say for that band going on to produce the most successful Danish record to date. Either they have some mystical unspoken musical quality that we have yet to discover and qualify, or the Danish music scene is really, really, bad.

Popular music is a funny thing. Extremely talented musicians work a lifetime churning out soul-baring musical manifesto after soul-baring musical manifesto with no quantifiable following to speak of. On the other hand, a few Danes can throw together a little ditty about a leggy blonde doll and ride the waves of success, fortune, and fame, for many many years (note: this rule also applies to Swedes. See Base, Ace of).

That's not to imply that Aqua's music was not catchy. If anything, it was overly so. To listen to one of their many international chart-topping hits was to commit yourself to at least a day with their tinny, electronicized voices reverberating in your skull. The 90s music scene inexplicably embraced trashy Europop, opening their arms and ears to incessant pounding beats backed up by male rappers and hypnotizing female singers.

The skills necessary to be a part of one of these acts are pretty questionable. Bubblegum pop was a burdgeoning genre, and thus it seemed any vaguely eccentric former DJ or moderately good-looking specimen of 90s Eurotrash could become a star. Whatever the reason, the Danish Aqua managed to finagle their way into the limelight.

Image via Billboard.com

To show just how flexible the musical integrity of these types of artists are, it's pertinent to point out that our good pals in Aqua were quick to change their tune (literally) after a few failed ventures. With the quick rise and fall of their single Itzy Bitzy Spider, the group reconsidered their initial formulation as JOYSPEED and sought to adopt a lighter, sunnier, poppier style.

In case you're just dying to hear JOYSPEED's nursery rhyme gone techno, here's the audio to their original track release. Spoiler alert: The itsy bitsy spider crawls up the spout again in the end.





The single contains artistically crafted lyrics like:

Always on a mission in every little corner
of the wall so tall, of the wall so tall,
with his sexy legs and hairy back

Excuse me? That part was not in my nursery rhyme.

After their techno child's play gone awry, JOYSPEED was eager for an image change. With a new manager they became Aqua, lords and ladies of the European bubblegum pop scene. While they enjoyed moderate success with their first few singles*, their crowning achievement (and this is more of a claim to shame than claim to fame) was the immense success of their inane hit, Barbie Girl.

Presented in "Aquascope" for your viewing pleasure:

Note: those foreign subtitles are not a part of the original video, but YouTube is on major embeddable trademark video crackdown and it will have to suffice.

This song has quite a few mild sexual references, but it wasn't exactly earth-shatteringly shocking subject matter. The music video was campy, but then again, so was the song. It was light, moderately spoofy, and generally pretty benign. Its only real offense was on our eardrums.

Mattel, however, begged to differ. In a terribly ill-advised legal move, Mattel sued MCA records. Apparently their slinging of phrases like "blonde bimbo" and "let's go party" didn't sit well with all the Mattel product managers seeking to make Barbie into a dentistry-practicing elementary school teaching Olympic gymnast.

Mattel sued MCA for alleged infringement of copyright and some form of defamation of (fictional) character. MCA retaliated by slapping Mattel with their own defamation suit, claiming the company was sullying the company's good name. All this over a Barbie parody, and a poor one at that. Just imagine what would have happened if they'd pulled Skipper and Midge into the mix. That Midge was nothing but trouble.

Lucky for the integrity of the American judicial system, Judge Alex Kozinski dismissed the case and sagely stated, "The parties are advised to chill." How's that for straightforward legalese?

Aqua continued churning out irritatingly bubblegum popping hits off their multi-platinum album Aquarium. Among them, Dr. Jones enjoyed relative popularity and sat comfortably atop many countries' popular music charts. Dr. Jones has Indiana Jones-esque undertones that are most evident in the video. I never knew that until I just watched it for the first time, but I did know that this song keeps me going on the treadmill. You should try it. If anything, your body will run faster for hope of escape.




You do sort of have to admire how plot-heavy their videos were. You really get a feel for the characters.

Another follow-up single released in the US was Lollipop (Candyman), which featured adorable lyrics like:

I wish that you were my Lollipop.
Sweet things, I will never get enough.
If you show me to the sugar tree,
will you give me a sodapop for free?

Oh no. The internal repetition has begun. It's uncontrollable, really. If you dared venture to press play on that video, your brain is now screaming out repeatedly, "Oh my love - I know you are my Candyman" and "You are my lollipop - sugar sugar top." I think we can all see why this album went multi-platinum, what, with brilliant lyrical twists like those.

Aqua's success was intense but justifiably short-lived. Though they did continue to release music (including some uncharacteristic slow jams), the magic quickly waned and the group split in 2001. If nothing else, they deserve a joint award for most Europop-ish band member names and most accent marks used in a listing of band members: between Lene Nystrøm, Claus Noreen, René Dif, and Søren Rasted, they certainly had that edge of the market cornered.

The band's profundity measure may have been admittedly low, but their overall Eurodance schtick will forever live in our memories. Mainly because try as we might, we will never, ever be able to get these songs out of our heads.


*I will admit, however, that in their first big European single "Roses are Red" I really enjoy the way she sings "Roses are red and wiiooooolets are blue." Wiolets. I love it. It's like my IKEA assembly guide come to life.

The Brady Bunch Movie

It's odd to think that a satirical movie based on a 70s sitcom could be so prototypically 90s, but The Brady Bunch Movie seemed to defy these decade-spanning odds; the movie oozed 90sness from its every frame. The entire premise was based on the contrast--the groovy, carefree 70s versus the dark, grungy, Gen-X-infested 90s. Let the jabs begin.

The Brady Bunch Movie was a mish-mosh of many of the sitcom's episodes and storylines woven into a 90 minute movie, turning every cheesy Brady trope into an easy punchline. The movie was not cruel or malicious in its mockery of the original series. In fact, original series' creator and producer Sherwood Shwartz served as writer and producer on the 1995 cinematic reincarnation. The film managed to successfully poke fun at the original series without shredding it apart. Well, without completely shredding it apart. In truth, the Brady family became fairly easy retrospective comic targets.

Of course, to get away with this brand of parody required extreme attention to detail. The only real way to give the Bradys their satirical due was to exaggerate the characters while staying (mostly) true to their original traits and mannerisms. After all, the very notion of satire requires humor and irony based on the original work. Hence, the 1995 movie makers worked tirelessly to adhere as much as possible to the look and feel of the original show:

Original series opening (5th season):



The Brady Bunch Movie opening:


As you can imagine, a lot of effort must have gone into the casting process to find suitable matches for each of the original actors. The new actors, though certainly in caricatures of the original roles, stayed true to the (usually) good intentions of their characters (hints of the step-sibling romance between Greg and Marcia probably don't qualify, unless we're looking at the original actors' real-life romance). Mike and Carol are still perky and sunny as ever, unironically sporting embarrassingly loud and overblown 70s clothing and hairstyles. All six kids are as unequivocally innocent and wholesome as in the series, and housekeeper Alice remains equally devoted to the family on no discernible pay. Though their roles may be exaggerated, the movie portrays them pretty accurately to their original forms. Their surroundings, however, have certainly taken a turn.

Cut to the 90s, chock full of flannel, grunge, garage bands, cynicism, and a splash of greed for good measure. The Bradys, campy as ever, seem utterly oblivious to the disparity of their surroundings. Admittedly, some fare better than others. Marcia, for instance, still gets to coast along on her looks, proving once and for all that beauty transcends time and allows people to overlook an untimely love for The Monkees' Davy Jones. Greg, on the other hand, is striking out with his frighteningly bad 70s singing aspirations, and Mike's continual architectural output of buildings that look suspiciously like the Brady's house is certainly suspect. Not to mention that Jan is bat-poopy crazy, seeking advice from her school counselor (RuPaul) and battling devious inner voices.

The general plot of the movie involves the state of the Brady's swingin' 70s digs, as villainous neighbor Mr. Dittmeyer seeks to develop the neighborhood into a shopping mall. Mr. Dittmeyer, by the way, is played by the ever-fabulous Michael McKean. If you have not done so already (heathens!), I implore you to go out there and rent Spinal Tap. I'll wait. No really, I'll be here when you get back.

Assuming you're now keen on McKean, I can only guess that you too see the brilliance of his casting in the role of greedy, plotting villain. Lucky for Dittmeyer, the family is teetering on the edge of foreclosure upon learning that they owe an astronomical $20,000 in unpaid taxes. In typical gung-ho Brady fashion, each child is determined to do his or her part to bring in the cash.

Observe as Jan and Marcia compete for modeling contracts to earn money to keep their family afloat. It doesn't end quite as lucratively as they would have hoped:



Of course, this isn't even the tip of the iceberg of their over-the-top sibling rivalry. In a fantasy gone awry Jan envisions herself cutting Marcia's hair during her sleep, though of course the ever-perfect Marcia comes out of it more beautiful than ever:




In true Brady rah-rah spirit, the family was determined to keep a positive attitude. In Brady-speak, however, this means going to the local Sears and throwing together an impromptu little musical number:



While you try to get "Sunshine Day" out of your head, I'll go on. Oh, and while all of this is happening, Marcia's juggling sleazy lecherous guys and unknowingly dodging the girl-on-girl advances from her friend, Noreen. Cute, right? There's your point of 70s-to-90s interaction right there. Anyway, Marcia steals Jan's idea to enter a Search-for-the-Stars competition and bring their family's 70s-tastic musical act onstage for a chance at $20,000. Convenient, I know. Jan is pretty pissed and proceeds to run off and is picked up by a truck driver played by the show's original Alice. What happens next requires a suspension of disbelief of Brady-esque proportion:



See, once Greg is willing to put aside his flashy rainbows-and-unicorns Johnny Bravo alter-ego, he can certainly churn out a Star Search-worthy song. Also, you've just gotta love Mike's long-winded moral lectures. Once the kids are finally free from Mike and Carol's verbal tyranny, they get the chance to go head-to-head with angsty garage bands with sweet names like "Phlegm". Peter's voice drops, and the show goes off without a hitch--spangly technicolored costumes and all. In a stroke of plot-necessitating luck, the Monkees are judging the contest and unanimously vote a straight Brady ticket.

(In case you were dying of Brady nostalgia curiosity, here's the original "Keep On" Talent Show clip to which the above performance alludes:)

Brady Bunch "Keep On"


As far as happy endings go, this just-in-the-nick of time conclusion takes the cake. Between Saved by the Bell's Mr. Dewey playing the auctioneer, a campy neighborly let's-all-be-friends-and-not-sell-out-to-the-evil-Mr-Dittmeyer scene, and a cameo from "Grandma" Florence Henderson (the original Mrs. Brady), it all wraps up pretty well.



Was it a cinematic masterpiece? No. Is it an enduring piece of movie history that will be archived for posterity? Probably not. It is, however, a fun and lighthearted look at both the original Brady Bunch sitcom and the time of the movie's release in the 1990s. The parody didn't just poke fun at the campy 70s TV family, it took equal jabs at the angst-ridden cynicism of the 90s. In the end, both are pretty equally worthy of satire.

Memorable Late 80s and Early 90s Board Games

All images via boardgamegeek.com

In the 80s and 90s, a funny thing happened. While classic boardgames and their reformulations still reigned supreme, things got a little experimental down at the ol' toy production offices. It seemed as if any and every idea that anyone had ever conceived in a bout of confusion or insanity could be swiftly and cleanly (sort of) translated into a game soon available for purchase at your local toy store.

Some of these ideas were more innovative than others, implementing newfound technologies and novelties into a board game concept. Others erred slightly on this side of lazy. Either way, children consumed them with relatively equal enthusiasm and zeal. Put it in a commercial during Saturday morning cartoons or a block of solid Nickelodeon programming and it's nearly inevitable that kids will go begging for it.

Here are just a few of the crazy ideas that inexplicably came to fruition from the late 80s to early 90s. Don't say I didn't warn you--some of these commercial jingles can lodge themselves pretty firmly in your brains.


Thin Ice



Not to be confused by its 1968 ice-breaking board game predecessor Don't Break the Ice, Thin Ice used indefinitely cheaper materials. For one, instead of solid, sturdy ice blocks, we were dealing with a flimsy piece of Kleenex. That's right, every box of Thin Ice came complete with a little pocket pack of facial tissues.

The game set-up involved two stacked rings, one a water-filled marble chamber and the other the home of the tightly-stretched tissue. Using comically oversized tweezers (designed to look like Eskimos, if that makes any sense to you), the players would take turns taking a water soaked marble from the lower chamber and gently placing the dripping sphere onto the tissue layer. The player for whom the tissue breaks is the loser, meaning winning really only takes place by default. It was sort of like Jenga, only completely different and involving a soggy Kleenex cleanup component.

The commercial jingle was pretty baffling as it featured an incompatible surf-themed tune. There was no attempt to connect or cover for the disparity between the jingle and the premise of the game. We were left to ponder it along with our parents, who wondered why they could have saved their fifteen bucks and simply given us their old marbles and a pack of soggy tissues.




Monster Mash



You can't rag on these games for lack of creativity. Lack of common sense and grounding in reality, perhaps, but creativity and innovation was certainly present. Monster Mash was actually a fairly clever game, complete with a newfangled "monster maker" apparatus. Simply depress the button on the top of the monster maker, and the eye, mouth, and body images would shuffle quickly, producing numerous varieties of cuddly purple monster.



Each of these monster formulations had an image on a corresponding playing card, laid out on the floor in front of the players. Each player had a hand shaped suction cup-tipped "thwacker" (yep, a thwacker) with which to slap (well, thwack) cards. In each turn, a player would press the button on the monster maker and it would jumble the images to produce a novel monster. The first player to secure the appropriately matching monster card with their thwacker wins the round. The player with the most cards at the end of the game wins! Crazy, no?

I was able to finagle the original 1987 ad but as usual with these late-80s games, the quality is admittedly poor. Very poor. You can definitely gather the overall memory-jogging idea of it, though:




Shark Attack



Mm, nothing like terrifying children with crazy-eyed, enormously toothed killing machines. Actually, the automated shark was pretty slow-moving, but the suspense was definitely there. Back that baby up with some of that Jaws theme music and prepare to see some serious shark-induced tears.

The game was fairly simple. At the outset, each player selected an adorable little fishy that more likely than not would end up as cruelly chomped shark grub by the end of the gameplay. The game included dice with colored dots on each face representing a colored fish. When your color came up, you were allowed to move your fish a measly one spot out of the reach of the hungry, laboriously circling shark. The last fish left uneaten wins. I'm going to go out on a limb here and venture that this game ended in tears for many of its youngest players.

The commercial features a predictably annoying jingle with prime cheesy 90s lyrics:




Pizza Party



Introduced in 1987, Pizza Party was a new spin on the classic Memory game. The concept seemed to rest on two simple but undeniable truths about children: they have an undying love for both delicious pizza and goofy anthropomorphic characters. Slap a face on that mushroom, a sly grin for your pepperoni, and kids will eat it up. Hopefully not literally as the pieces were made of cardboard, but I'm not going to say I haven't seen it tried.

The object of the game was to be the first player to successfully fill your entire slice with a single topping by selecting by memory from upside-down toppings in the center of the gameplay. Ah, to teach children the joy of monotony and...what's the opposite of diversity? University? That doesn't seem right. I may have to get back to you on that one.

In the above picture, the full pizza is assembled in all of its delicious board game glory. I personally always thought the pepperoni and the mushroom sort of had something going on, what, with all those flirtatious sidelong glances. Regardless of inter-topping romances, the game was probably best remembered for having an incredibly irritating, repetitive jingle. Though YouTube and its retrocentric users have failed to provide me with any high quality footage, someone did helpfully upload the video taped off of their TV. Please excuse the quality. Of the picture, that is, that jingle comes through loud and clear and is certainly inexcusable.





Grape Escape



You have to love the tagline: "The squish 'em, squash 'em, squoosh 'em game!" Perhaps somehow vaguely linked to the wine-making experience, Grape Escape features pliable clay grapes attempting to make it through the game without meeting certain grape fate at any number of grape torture stations. The game came complete with different colors of clay to denote different players and adorable chubby grape molds with which to form your game piece. If your grape was smushed, you had to form a new grape and start from the beginning.

The object and premise of the game are pretty shaky, but it wisely banks on the notion that children garner pleasure from destruction and mayhem. It probably didn't do a whole lot for conscience-building, but then again they were only play-doh grapes. A little overzealous masochism never hurt anyone. Right?

The over-the-top reactions of the children of the commercial are truly priceless:



The game is also admittedly; similar in concept and materials to its fellow 90s morbid clay-squashing game, Splat!:




So there you have it. While the late 80s and early 90s board game producers were not necessarily churning out the most educational and thought-provoking of board games, they certainly demonstrated that they had a knack for understanding children. Mayhem, destruction, being eaten, slapping things, eating oily foods...they had our number all right. Perhaps it's not the most flattering reflection of our generation, but we certainly had a good time.