Before They Were Stars: Celebrities' TV Commercial Pasts

Image via Orlandosentinel.com

Everyone has to get their start somewhere. Once upon a time, our current celebrities were children and teenagers still yearning to prove their worth to the entertainment industry. Lucky for them, appearing in television commercial spots is a great way to get noticed and jump-start a burgeoning career. Lucky for us, many of these clips are now available online for our perusing and light mocking pleasure.

Seeing footage of celebrities before they hit their fame stride is a sort of unnerving phenomenon. On one hand, it gives you a bit of that well-once-upon-a-time-they-were-just-normal-kids kind of feeling. On the other, you realize that they've always been attractive and special and brimming with a level of star quality you couldn't even imagine possessing.

You want to believe they're just ordinary people, but even in their youth they were spectacular. While the rest of us were getting fitted for thick-framed glasses and sleeping in orthodontic headgear, these happy-go-lucky future celebrities were carefreely frolicking on our TV sets, hawking desirable products.

Without further speculation on how little the rest of us had accomplished by the time these pretty young things already had a hefty work portfolio in hand, I present a handpicked compilation of delightful before-they-were-incredibly-huge-stars-beyond-the-reaches-of-our-wildest-fantasies. Enjoy!



Paul Rudd for SuperNintendo



Okay, okay, so Rudd definitely isn't a kid in this one, but it was certainly before the hit his career prime. A young lad in his early 20s, Rudd's cheesy overly impressed expressions are truly priceless. When you compare this zealous enthusiasm with his contemporary deadpan humor, there is quite a divide. I love that frightened, sort of paranoid look on his face. It's like he's thinking, "Ohmygod this video game is so so so fun...but wait! What is that booming voice? That ominous wind? That increasingly dark commercial set?" He just looks like he can't believe he's getting away with playing video games while wearing a blazer. Well played, Paul Rudd. Literally.



Leonardo DiCaprio for Bubble Yum


This really is a quintessentially 90s commercial. That dialogue? That flannel shirt? That boombox? Oh, that boombox. Our boy Leo is up there giving it his all, illustrating the superior unpoppability of Bubble Yum in comparison to industrial-grade sound speakers. Pure 90s brilliance.




Sarah Michelle Gellar for Burger King



Don't be fooled by SMG's adorably innocuous appearance; this commercial was perceived as highly controversial for its time. Sure, compared to today's vicious attack ads this seems pretty tame, but back in the day this was considered a pretty heavy slam. In this 1981 ad spot, Burger King (via miniature spokesperson Sarah Michelle Gellar) contended that McDonald's burgers contained 20% less meat. I know, it's awful. I'm still getting over it.

Unlike today's openly aggressive ads, retro commercials featured the niceties of passive aggressive anonymity in their bashing of rival companies. This ad may seem pretty benign by today's standards, but it was indeed among the first commercials to bash a competitor by name. That's right: they named names. Burger King would have made out awesome during the Red Scare. Gellar herself even appeared in court to bear 4 year-old witness, if that makes any sense. I smell a publicity stunt. And a delicious, delicious, 20% meatier burger.




Brad Pitt for Levis



That swoonworthy floppy 90s hair really drove the girls wild. In the ad, Pitt plays a prisoner being released back into the wild, upon which he is immediately met by a super-attractive brunette in a skintight dress and convertible. The girl throws him his Levis and the warden looks on creepily as puts them on and publicly displays affection for this mystery woman. I really love their impromptu photo shoot, too. You sort of have to wonder what he was in for that he seems so carefree and unaffected by his stay in prison. My vote is for driving while intoxicatingly attractive.

This was not the only commercial in Pitt's youth; he'd also done a TV spot a few years earlier for Pringles potato chips. The quality is sort of pixelated, but perhaps its just to cover the obscene amazingness of Brad's shirtless physique. The height of his hair in this ad nearly rivals its Burn Before Reading proportions.

Brad Pitt for Pringles





Jessica Biel for Pringles



Brad Pitt wasn't the only future star who, once popped, could not find it within himself to stop. Jessica Biel also showed up in a Pringles ad a view years later. The clip above is a fairly recent one with Biel on the Letterman show, but be patient. I swear they show the commercial eventually and even handily smack a red arrow on the screen to identify Biel. She also describes the audition process, which seems to err slightly on the side of bizarre. They wanted to make sure she could adequately move a Pringle from one side of her mouth to another. I'm sure Biel gets that sort of thing all the time.




Lindsay Lohan for Jello



Ah, remember the days when Lindsay Lohan was but an adorable auburn-headed sprite? Say what you will about the oft-misguided starlet now, but back in the day she could certainly hold her own bopping around next to Mr. Cosby himself. Our freckly little pal was just bursting with enthusiasm, sporting a near-maniacal smile. I suppose I'd be pretty excited to if Mr. Huxtable let me hang out and chat gelatin snacks with him, too.




Steve Carell for Brown's Chicken


This 1989 ad reflects all that is good about Steve Carell--his open charm, his easygoing manner, his love for chicken. The whole thing comes off as very Michael Scott to me, though perhaps I tend to blur the line between Carell and his character during my many idling hours of Office DVD-watching.

This ad, shot low-budgetly on location at a local Chicago Brown's Chicken, is certainly evident of humble beginnings. At the time, Carell was a part of the acclaimed Second City comedy troupe. Unluckily for him, this role didn't quite let him show off his comedy chops. It did, however, enlighten us about the cholesterol-free goodness of cottonseed oil. Mmmm, cottonseed oil.




Kirstin Dunst for Baby Dolly Surprise



Just look at little Kirsten in her polygamist cult-grade floppy lace-collared dress. She's one hair pouf away from being a mini-Chloe Sevigny on Big Love. I do love her little blonde 'fro, though. Whatever happened to curly Kirsten? You sort of have to wonder if she had some perm-crazy stage parents. Luckily, the phase seemed to have passed by the time she was interviewed by a vampire. A very, very good-looking vampire.



It just goes to show that stars really aren't just like us, no matter what counter-evidence US Weekly tries to peddle. For most, it was a quick hop, skip, and a jump from adorable child to devastatingly good-looking adult. Until those long lost awkward phase bar-mitzvah photos show up, we'll just have to settle for admiring them from afar.

Aqua

There's a lot to say for a musical act whose breakthrough hit was a techno remix of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". There's probably even more to say for that band going on to produce the most successful Danish record to date. Either they have some mystical unspoken musical quality that we have yet to discover and qualify, or the Danish music scene is really, really, bad.

Popular music is a funny thing. Extremely talented musicians work a lifetime churning out soul-baring musical manifesto after soul-baring musical manifesto with no quantifiable following to speak of. On the other hand, a few Danes can throw together a little ditty about a leggy blonde doll and ride the waves of success, fortune, and fame, for many many years (note: this rule also applies to Swedes. See Base, Ace of).

That's not to imply that Aqua's music was not catchy. If anything, it was overly so. To listen to one of their many international chart-topping hits was to commit yourself to at least a day with their tinny, electronicized voices reverberating in your skull. The 90s music scene inexplicably embraced trashy Europop, opening their arms and ears to incessant pounding beats backed up by male rappers and hypnotizing female singers.

The skills necessary to be a part of one of these acts are pretty questionable. Bubblegum pop was a burdgeoning genre, and thus it seemed any vaguely eccentric former DJ or moderately good-looking specimen of 90s Eurotrash could become a star. Whatever the reason, the Danish Aqua managed to finagle their way into the limelight.

Image via Billboard.com

To show just how flexible the musical integrity of these types of artists are, it's pertinent to point out that our good pals in Aqua were quick to change their tune (literally) after a few failed ventures. With the quick rise and fall of their single Itzy Bitzy Spider, the group reconsidered their initial formulation as JOYSPEED and sought to adopt a lighter, sunnier, poppier style.

In case you're just dying to hear JOYSPEED's nursery rhyme gone techno, here's the audio to their original track release. Spoiler alert: The itsy bitsy spider crawls up the spout again in the end.





The single contains artistically crafted lyrics like:

Always on a mission in every little corner
of the wall so tall, of the wall so tall,
with his sexy legs and hairy back

Excuse me? That part was not in my nursery rhyme.

After their techno child's play gone awry, JOYSPEED was eager for an image change. With a new manager they became Aqua, lords and ladies of the European bubblegum pop scene. While they enjoyed moderate success with their first few singles*, their crowning achievement (and this is more of a claim to shame than claim to fame) was the immense success of their inane hit, Barbie Girl.

Presented in "Aquascope" for your viewing pleasure:

Note: those foreign subtitles are not a part of the original video, but YouTube is on major embeddable trademark video crackdown and it will have to suffice.

This song has quite a few mild sexual references, but it wasn't exactly earth-shatteringly shocking subject matter. The music video was campy, but then again, so was the song. It was light, moderately spoofy, and generally pretty benign. Its only real offense was on our eardrums.

Mattel, however, begged to differ. In a terribly ill-advised legal move, Mattel sued MCA records. Apparently their slinging of phrases like "blonde bimbo" and "let's go party" didn't sit well with all the Mattel product managers seeking to make Barbie into a dentistry-practicing elementary school teaching Olympic gymnast.

Mattel sued MCA for alleged infringement of copyright and some form of defamation of (fictional) character. MCA retaliated by slapping Mattel with their own defamation suit, claiming the company was sullying the company's good name. All this over a Barbie parody, and a poor one at that. Just imagine what would have happened if they'd pulled Skipper and Midge into the mix. That Midge was nothing but trouble.

Lucky for the integrity of the American judicial system, Judge Alex Kozinski dismissed the case and sagely stated, "The parties are advised to chill." How's that for straightforward legalese?

Aqua continued churning out irritatingly bubblegum popping hits off their multi-platinum album Aquarium. Among them, Dr. Jones enjoyed relative popularity and sat comfortably atop many countries' popular music charts. Dr. Jones has Indiana Jones-esque undertones that are most evident in the video. I never knew that until I just watched it for the first time, but I did know that this song keeps me going on the treadmill. You should try it. If anything, your body will run faster for hope of escape.




You do sort of have to admire how plot-heavy their videos were. You really get a feel for the characters.

Another follow-up single released in the US was Lollipop (Candyman), which featured adorable lyrics like:

I wish that you were my Lollipop.
Sweet things, I will never get enough.
If you show me to the sugar tree,
will you give me a sodapop for free?

Oh no. The internal repetition has begun. It's uncontrollable, really. If you dared venture to press play on that video, your brain is now screaming out repeatedly, "Oh my love - I know you are my Candyman" and "You are my lollipop - sugar sugar top." I think we can all see why this album went multi-platinum, what, with brilliant lyrical twists like those.

Aqua's success was intense but justifiably short-lived. Though they did continue to release music (including some uncharacteristic slow jams), the magic quickly waned and the group split in 2001. If nothing else, they deserve a joint award for most Europop-ish band member names and most accent marks used in a listing of band members: between Lene Nystrøm, Claus Noreen, René Dif, and Søren Rasted, they certainly had that edge of the market cornered.

The band's profundity measure may have been admittedly low, but their overall Eurodance schtick will forever live in our memories. Mainly because try as we might, we will never, ever be able to get these songs out of our heads.


*I will admit, however, that in their first big European single "Roses are Red" I really enjoy the way she sings "Roses are red and wiiooooolets are blue." Wiolets. I love it. It's like my IKEA assembly guide come to life.

The Brady Bunch Movie

It's odd to think that a satirical movie based on a 70s sitcom could be so prototypically 90s, but The Brady Bunch Movie seemed to defy these decade-spanning odds; the movie oozed 90sness from its every frame. The entire premise was based on the contrast--the groovy, carefree 70s versus the dark, grungy, Gen-X-infested 90s. Let the jabs begin.

The Brady Bunch Movie was a mish-mosh of many of the sitcom's episodes and storylines woven into a 90 minute movie, turning every cheesy Brady trope into an easy punchline. The movie was not cruel or malicious in its mockery of the original series. In fact, original series' creator and producer Sherwood Shwartz served as writer and producer on the 1995 cinematic reincarnation. The film managed to successfully poke fun at the original series without shredding it apart. Well, without completely shredding it apart. In truth, the Brady family became fairly easy retrospective comic targets.

Of course, to get away with this brand of parody required extreme attention to detail. The only real way to give the Bradys their satirical due was to exaggerate the characters while staying (mostly) true to their original traits and mannerisms. After all, the very notion of satire requires humor and irony based on the original work. Hence, the 1995 movie makers worked tirelessly to adhere as much as possible to the look and feel of the original show:

Original series opening (5th season):



The Brady Bunch Movie opening:


As you can imagine, a lot of effort must have gone into the casting process to find suitable matches for each of the original actors. The new actors, though certainly in caricatures of the original roles, stayed true to the (usually) good intentions of their characters (hints of the step-sibling romance between Greg and Marcia probably don't qualify, unless we're looking at the original actors' real-life romance). Mike and Carol are still perky and sunny as ever, unironically sporting embarrassingly loud and overblown 70s clothing and hairstyles. All six kids are as unequivocally innocent and wholesome as in the series, and housekeeper Alice remains equally devoted to the family on no discernible pay. Though their roles may be exaggerated, the movie portrays them pretty accurately to their original forms. Their surroundings, however, have certainly taken a turn.

Cut to the 90s, chock full of flannel, grunge, garage bands, cynicism, and a splash of greed for good measure. The Bradys, campy as ever, seem utterly oblivious to the disparity of their surroundings. Admittedly, some fare better than others. Marcia, for instance, still gets to coast along on her looks, proving once and for all that beauty transcends time and allows people to overlook an untimely love for The Monkees' Davy Jones. Greg, on the other hand, is striking out with his frighteningly bad 70s singing aspirations, and Mike's continual architectural output of buildings that look suspiciously like the Brady's house is certainly suspect. Not to mention that Jan is bat-poopy crazy, seeking advice from her school counselor (RuPaul) and battling devious inner voices.

The general plot of the movie involves the state of the Brady's swingin' 70s digs, as villainous neighbor Mr. Dittmeyer seeks to develop the neighborhood into a shopping mall. Mr. Dittmeyer, by the way, is played by the ever-fabulous Michael McKean. If you have not done so already (heathens!), I implore you to go out there and rent Spinal Tap. I'll wait. No really, I'll be here when you get back.

Assuming you're now keen on McKean, I can only guess that you too see the brilliance of his casting in the role of greedy, plotting villain. Lucky for Dittmeyer, the family is teetering on the edge of foreclosure upon learning that they owe an astronomical $20,000 in unpaid taxes. In typical gung-ho Brady fashion, each child is determined to do his or her part to bring in the cash.

Observe as Jan and Marcia compete for modeling contracts to earn money to keep their family afloat. It doesn't end quite as lucratively as they would have hoped:



Of course, this isn't even the tip of the iceberg of their over-the-top sibling rivalry. In a fantasy gone awry Jan envisions herself cutting Marcia's hair during her sleep, though of course the ever-perfect Marcia comes out of it more beautiful than ever:




In true Brady rah-rah spirit, the family was determined to keep a positive attitude. In Brady-speak, however, this means going to the local Sears and throwing together an impromptu little musical number:



While you try to get "Sunshine Day" out of your head, I'll go on. Oh, and while all of this is happening, Marcia's juggling sleazy lecherous guys and unknowingly dodging the girl-on-girl advances from her friend, Noreen. Cute, right? There's your point of 70s-to-90s interaction right there. Anyway, Marcia steals Jan's idea to enter a Search-for-the-Stars competition and bring their family's 70s-tastic musical act onstage for a chance at $20,000. Convenient, I know. Jan is pretty pissed and proceeds to run off and is picked up by a truck driver played by the show's original Alice. What happens next requires a suspension of disbelief of Brady-esque proportion:



See, once Greg is willing to put aside his flashy rainbows-and-unicorns Johnny Bravo alter-ego, he can certainly churn out a Star Search-worthy song. Also, you've just gotta love Mike's long-winded moral lectures. Once the kids are finally free from Mike and Carol's verbal tyranny, they get the chance to go head-to-head with angsty garage bands with sweet names like "Phlegm". Peter's voice drops, and the show goes off without a hitch--spangly technicolored costumes and all. In a stroke of plot-necessitating luck, the Monkees are judging the contest and unanimously vote a straight Brady ticket.

(In case you were dying of Brady nostalgia curiosity, here's the original "Keep On" Talent Show clip to which the above performance alludes:)

Brady Bunch "Keep On"


As far as happy endings go, this just-in-the-nick of time conclusion takes the cake. Between Saved by the Bell's Mr. Dewey playing the auctioneer, a campy neighborly let's-all-be-friends-and-not-sell-out-to-the-evil-Mr-Dittmeyer scene, and a cameo from "Grandma" Florence Henderson (the original Mrs. Brady), it all wraps up pretty well.



Was it a cinematic masterpiece? No. Is it an enduring piece of movie history that will be archived for posterity? Probably not. It is, however, a fun and lighthearted look at both the original Brady Bunch sitcom and the time of the movie's release in the 1990s. The parody didn't just poke fun at the campy 70s TV family, it took equal jabs at the angst-ridden cynicism of the 90s. In the end, both are pretty equally worthy of satire.