Joe Camel

If you ever needed proof that we're fighting the wrong battles, look no further than the late 90s Joe Camel controversy. It's not that these moral crusaders didn't have good intentions, for no doubt they meant well. However, in their fixation on a single cartoon product spokescamel, they began to focus on symptom's of society's ills instead of the root cause. "If we could just get that blasted camel off of Playboy back covers," they thought, "No child will ever feel inclined to pick up a cigarette again."

Unfortunately for these folks, being The Man in telling the younger generation how to behave is probably the worst way to get them to acquiesce. In fact, the way most of us find out what's cool is by seeing what The Man brings down. That's not to say I'm calling cigarette smoking cool, of course. I'm no Joe Camel. That cartoon was one smooth character.

If nothing else, this media crusade only reasserts how uptight Americans are. This is what we do. We see that there are many problems that can not be fixed. Instead of picking a problem to focus on, we pick a tiny aspect of that problem from which to launch a media maelstrom of outrage and discontent. What can we say? We were too lazy to take a swing a solving the problem of youth smoking, so we cast out our excessive anger dart and target whichever minuscule point the dart pin pricks.

Admittedly I'm being a tad facetious. The Joe Camel ads, while certainly not as detrimental to society as moral watchdog groups would claim, absolutely came with myriad of mixed messages. The original Joe Camel ads (commemorating the company's 75th anniversary) featured the tagline, "75 Years and Still Smokin'". Perhaps this isn't the most welcome complement to anti-smoking programs in schools warning of emphysema and lung disease, but then again the ad isn't claiming that after 75 years you'll still be smoking. It's all in the semantics, you see.


Though the first to come under fire (from the media, that is, not lighters), Joe Camel was certainly not the only cartoon smokesanimal. From the 1930s through early 60s, Kool cigarettes had an adorable little anthropomorphic penguin hawking their goods.



A closer look into the Joe Camel Campaign shows it's pretty unlikely these ads were somehow intentionally aimed at children. A 1991 New York Times article explains

He has a penchant for dressing up in stereotypical masculine gear like hard hats, T-shirts, skin-diving wet suits and tuxedos -- all meant to appeal to the male smokers who predominate among Camel customers.

First of all, that sentence is ridiculous. It implies all real men go around alternating between their hardhats and tuxedos before a quick scuba diving jaunt. Obviously on all sides of the Joe Camel argument, serious amounts of exaggeration were in play.



The article also suggests that critics wanted to, er, penalize the character for its supposedly inappropriate traits:

Among the most contentious aspects of Joe Camel's appearance has been that nose. Reynolds has always said this protuberance is nothing more than an exaggerated rendering of a camel's nose; critics say it was drawn in a phallic fashion to suggest that smoking is a virile pursuit.

I have to say I'd never heard that one before, but my God, these people are Freudian. Okay, let's break this down. We've got a penis-nosed camel wearing sunglasses and a tuxedo, surrounded by fawning beautiful women, and proclaiming himself to be a "smooth character". This doesn't sound much like something to appeal to ignorant and impressionable young children. It sounds like something to appeal to ignorant and impressionable young men.

In all likelihood, the actual intent of the campaign was to be edgy and hip in a seriously calculated way. Sure, it's certainly an offense, but it doesn't mean they're trying to stuff cigs into the unsuspecting mouths of 3-year olds. Apparently not everyone felt this way. In this Bill Maher clip, an oddly mismatched group of interviewees discuss the controversial cartoon camel:



Regardless of Baptist Minister Tony Campolo's accusations against Camel, I beg to argue comic Kevin Nealon says it best in this segment: "If they influence kids, then why aren't more kids, like, riding camels?" Hmm. Probing question, favorite Weekend Update host. Why weren't more kids, like, riding camels?

The Journal of the American Medical Association stepped in and dealt the final blow to the thriving Joe Camel campaign. They produced a study that claimed that more kindergartners could recognize the Joe Camel character than Mickey Mouse or Fred Flintstone. First of all, that's really great news for these ad people. Secondly, maybe these researchers should have chosen some more contemporary characters.

The whole affair exploded in a highly-publicized trial, as testimonials claimed that the company was targeting young people because they were the most viable consumers with the most potential for growth. Well, as we said in the 90s, duh. That's how advertising works. We advertise to the people who will maximize our profit margins. It's not exactly rocket science.



Under pressure, the company pulled the ads, paid some money for anti-smoking campaigns, and replaced their spokescamel with a decidedly less cute generic camel silhouette. It just goes to show you: if you make a big enough fuss about some misguided notion, you can use a great deal of time, money, and effort formulating vicious allegations against a supposed wrong-doer and eventually bringing them down. Apparently a great victory for the moral crusaders of the world, the suave Joe Camel character was permanently benched. Thank God for that, too. We wouldn't want our kids exposed to obscene phallic-nosed caricatures.

Yes, I acknowledge that cigarette companies do a whole lot of wrong. That point is relatively moot. I just don't think that producing a suave hardhatted camel is one of them. Unlike today's more direct and effective anti-smoking campaigns, this didn't focus on stopping kids from smoking; instead, it sought to eliminate a character that children may potentially find appealing that could eventually lead to their interest in smoking. Not exactly a direct route there, is it?

Before They Were Stars: Celebrities' TV Commercial Pasts

Image via Orlandosentinel.com

Everyone has to get their start somewhere. Once upon a time, our current celebrities were children and teenagers still yearning to prove their worth to the entertainment industry. Lucky for them, appearing in television commercial spots is a great way to get noticed and jump-start a burgeoning career. Lucky for us, many of these clips are now available online for our perusing and light mocking pleasure.

Seeing footage of celebrities before they hit their fame stride is a sort of unnerving phenomenon. On one hand, it gives you a bit of that well-once-upon-a-time-they-were-just-normal-kids kind of feeling. On the other, you realize that they've always been attractive and special and brimming with a level of star quality you couldn't even imagine possessing.

You want to believe they're just ordinary people, but even in their youth they were spectacular. While the rest of us were getting fitted for thick-framed glasses and sleeping in orthodontic headgear, these happy-go-lucky future celebrities were carefreely frolicking on our TV sets, hawking desirable products.

Without further speculation on how little the rest of us had accomplished by the time these pretty young things already had a hefty work portfolio in hand, I present a handpicked compilation of delightful before-they-were-incredibly-huge-stars-beyond-the-reaches-of-our-wildest-fantasies. Enjoy!



Paul Rudd for SuperNintendo



Okay, okay, so Rudd definitely isn't a kid in this one, but it was certainly before the hit his career prime. A young lad in his early 20s, Rudd's cheesy overly impressed expressions are truly priceless. When you compare this zealous enthusiasm with his contemporary deadpan humor, there is quite a divide. I love that frightened, sort of paranoid look on his face. It's like he's thinking, "Ohmygod this video game is so so so fun...but wait! What is that booming voice? That ominous wind? That increasingly dark commercial set?" He just looks like he can't believe he's getting away with playing video games while wearing a blazer. Well played, Paul Rudd. Literally.



Leonardo DiCaprio for Bubble Yum


This really is a quintessentially 90s commercial. That dialogue? That flannel shirt? That boombox? Oh, that boombox. Our boy Leo is up there giving it his all, illustrating the superior unpoppability of Bubble Yum in comparison to industrial-grade sound speakers. Pure 90s brilliance.




Sarah Michelle Gellar for Burger King



Don't be fooled by SMG's adorably innocuous appearance; this commercial was perceived as highly controversial for its time. Sure, compared to today's vicious attack ads this seems pretty tame, but back in the day this was considered a pretty heavy slam. In this 1981 ad spot, Burger King (via miniature spokesperson Sarah Michelle Gellar) contended that McDonald's burgers contained 20% less meat. I know, it's awful. I'm still getting over it.

Unlike today's openly aggressive ads, retro commercials featured the niceties of passive aggressive anonymity in their bashing of rival companies. This ad may seem pretty benign by today's standards, but it was indeed among the first commercials to bash a competitor by name. That's right: they named names. Burger King would have made out awesome during the Red Scare. Gellar herself even appeared in court to bear 4 year-old witness, if that makes any sense. I smell a publicity stunt. And a delicious, delicious, 20% meatier burger.




Brad Pitt for Levis



That swoonworthy floppy 90s hair really drove the girls wild. In the ad, Pitt plays a prisoner being released back into the wild, upon which he is immediately met by a super-attractive brunette in a skintight dress and convertible. The girl throws him his Levis and the warden looks on creepily as puts them on and publicly displays affection for this mystery woman. I really love their impromptu photo shoot, too. You sort of have to wonder what he was in for that he seems so carefree and unaffected by his stay in prison. My vote is for driving while intoxicatingly attractive.

This was not the only commercial in Pitt's youth; he'd also done a TV spot a few years earlier for Pringles potato chips. The quality is sort of pixelated, but perhaps its just to cover the obscene amazingness of Brad's shirtless physique. The height of his hair in this ad nearly rivals its Burn Before Reading proportions.

Brad Pitt for Pringles





Jessica Biel for Pringles



Brad Pitt wasn't the only future star who, once popped, could not find it within himself to stop. Jessica Biel also showed up in a Pringles ad a view years later. The clip above is a fairly recent one with Biel on the Letterman show, but be patient. I swear they show the commercial eventually and even handily smack a red arrow on the screen to identify Biel. She also describes the audition process, which seems to err slightly on the side of bizarre. They wanted to make sure she could adequately move a Pringle from one side of her mouth to another. I'm sure Biel gets that sort of thing all the time.




Lindsay Lohan for Jello



Ah, remember the days when Lindsay Lohan was but an adorable auburn-headed sprite? Say what you will about the oft-misguided starlet now, but back in the day she could certainly hold her own bopping around next to Mr. Cosby himself. Our freckly little pal was just bursting with enthusiasm, sporting a near-maniacal smile. I suppose I'd be pretty excited to if Mr. Huxtable let me hang out and chat gelatin snacks with him, too.




Steve Carell for Brown's Chicken


This 1989 ad reflects all that is good about Steve Carell--his open charm, his easygoing manner, his love for chicken. The whole thing comes off as very Michael Scott to me, though perhaps I tend to blur the line between Carell and his character during my many idling hours of Office DVD-watching.

This ad, shot low-budgetly on location at a local Chicago Brown's Chicken, is certainly evident of humble beginnings. At the time, Carell was a part of the acclaimed Second City comedy troupe. Unluckily for him, this role didn't quite let him show off his comedy chops. It did, however, enlighten us about the cholesterol-free goodness of cottonseed oil. Mmmm, cottonseed oil.




Kirstin Dunst for Baby Dolly Surprise



Just look at little Kirsten in her polygamist cult-grade floppy lace-collared dress. She's one hair pouf away from being a mini-Chloe Sevigny on Big Love. I do love her little blonde 'fro, though. Whatever happened to curly Kirsten? You sort of have to wonder if she had some perm-crazy stage parents. Luckily, the phase seemed to have passed by the time she was interviewed by a vampire. A very, very good-looking vampire.



It just goes to show that stars really aren't just like us, no matter what counter-evidence US Weekly tries to peddle. For most, it was a quick hop, skip, and a jump from adorable child to devastatingly good-looking adult. Until those long lost awkward phase bar-mitzvah photos show up, we'll just have to settle for admiring them from afar.

Aqua

There's a lot to say for a musical act whose breakthrough hit was a techno remix of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". There's probably even more to say for that band going on to produce the most successful Danish record to date. Either they have some mystical unspoken musical quality that we have yet to discover and qualify, or the Danish music scene is really, really, bad.

Popular music is a funny thing. Extremely talented musicians work a lifetime churning out soul-baring musical manifesto after soul-baring musical manifesto with no quantifiable following to speak of. On the other hand, a few Danes can throw together a little ditty about a leggy blonde doll and ride the waves of success, fortune, and fame, for many many years (note: this rule also applies to Swedes. See Base, Ace of).

That's not to imply that Aqua's music was not catchy. If anything, it was overly so. To listen to one of their many international chart-topping hits was to commit yourself to at least a day with their tinny, electronicized voices reverberating in your skull. The 90s music scene inexplicably embraced trashy Europop, opening their arms and ears to incessant pounding beats backed up by male rappers and hypnotizing female singers.

The skills necessary to be a part of one of these acts are pretty questionable. Bubblegum pop was a burdgeoning genre, and thus it seemed any vaguely eccentric former DJ or moderately good-looking specimen of 90s Eurotrash could become a star. Whatever the reason, the Danish Aqua managed to finagle their way into the limelight.

Image via Billboard.com

To show just how flexible the musical integrity of these types of artists are, it's pertinent to point out that our good pals in Aqua were quick to change their tune (literally) after a few failed ventures. With the quick rise and fall of their single Itzy Bitzy Spider, the group reconsidered their initial formulation as JOYSPEED and sought to adopt a lighter, sunnier, poppier style.

In case you're just dying to hear JOYSPEED's nursery rhyme gone techno, here's the audio to their original track release. Spoiler alert: The itsy bitsy spider crawls up the spout again in the end.





The single contains artistically crafted lyrics like:

Always on a mission in every little corner
of the wall so tall, of the wall so tall,
with his sexy legs and hairy back

Excuse me? That part was not in my nursery rhyme.

After their techno child's play gone awry, JOYSPEED was eager for an image change. With a new manager they became Aqua, lords and ladies of the European bubblegum pop scene. While they enjoyed moderate success with their first few singles*, their crowning achievement (and this is more of a claim to shame than claim to fame) was the immense success of their inane hit, Barbie Girl.

Presented in "Aquascope" for your viewing pleasure:

Note: those foreign subtitles are not a part of the original video, but YouTube is on major embeddable trademark video crackdown and it will have to suffice.

This song has quite a few mild sexual references, but it wasn't exactly earth-shatteringly shocking subject matter. The music video was campy, but then again, so was the song. It was light, moderately spoofy, and generally pretty benign. Its only real offense was on our eardrums.

Mattel, however, begged to differ. In a terribly ill-advised legal move, Mattel sued MCA records. Apparently their slinging of phrases like "blonde bimbo" and "let's go party" didn't sit well with all the Mattel product managers seeking to make Barbie into a dentistry-practicing elementary school teaching Olympic gymnast.

Mattel sued MCA for alleged infringement of copyright and some form of defamation of (fictional) character. MCA retaliated by slapping Mattel with their own defamation suit, claiming the company was sullying the company's good name. All this over a Barbie parody, and a poor one at that. Just imagine what would have happened if they'd pulled Skipper and Midge into the mix. That Midge was nothing but trouble.

Lucky for the integrity of the American judicial system, Judge Alex Kozinski dismissed the case and sagely stated, "The parties are advised to chill." How's that for straightforward legalese?

Aqua continued churning out irritatingly bubblegum popping hits off their multi-platinum album Aquarium. Among them, Dr. Jones enjoyed relative popularity and sat comfortably atop many countries' popular music charts. Dr. Jones has Indiana Jones-esque undertones that are most evident in the video. I never knew that until I just watched it for the first time, but I did know that this song keeps me going on the treadmill. You should try it. If anything, your body will run faster for hope of escape.




You do sort of have to admire how plot-heavy their videos were. You really get a feel for the characters.

Another follow-up single released in the US was Lollipop (Candyman), which featured adorable lyrics like:

I wish that you were my Lollipop.
Sweet things, I will never get enough.
If you show me to the sugar tree,
will you give me a sodapop for free?

Oh no. The internal repetition has begun. It's uncontrollable, really. If you dared venture to press play on that video, your brain is now screaming out repeatedly, "Oh my love - I know you are my Candyman" and "You are my lollipop - sugar sugar top." I think we can all see why this album went multi-platinum, what, with brilliant lyrical twists like those.

Aqua's success was intense but justifiably short-lived. Though they did continue to release music (including some uncharacteristic slow jams), the magic quickly waned and the group split in 2001. If nothing else, they deserve a joint award for most Europop-ish band member names and most accent marks used in a listing of band members: between Lene Nystrøm, Claus Noreen, René Dif, and Søren Rasted, they certainly had that edge of the market cornered.

The band's profundity measure may have been admittedly low, but their overall Eurodance schtick will forever live in our memories. Mainly because try as we might, we will never, ever be able to get these songs out of our heads.


*I will admit, however, that in their first big European single "Roses are Red" I really enjoy the way she sings "Roses are red and wiiooooolets are blue." Wiolets. I love it. It's like my IKEA assembly guide come to life.