Memorable SNL Sketches: Early 90s Edition:

Saturday Night Live in the early 90s was a flourishing comedic enterprise. The first season of the decade brought us many new stars including Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, and David Spade. Mixed in a with a group of old pros like Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon, Phil Hartman, and Dana Carvey (oh, I think there were some female cast members as well), the cast had a unique chemistry and produced consistently funny sketches. SNL in the early 90s featured several recurring sketch themes and characters (you can find some of them here). They seemed to adhere to the old adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Continue not fixing it for as many years as you can possibly milk a single concept...perhaps longer if necessary."

For the most part, the recurring sketches were pretty funny. To keep them fresh, the show's producers brought in flashy big-name cameos, sometimes to the surprise of the show's staff members. As a side effect of the sketches' enormous popularity, they spurned a generation's worth of annoying new catchphrases. Viewers seemed immune to the notion that things that are funny the first time from the mouth of a talented comedian are notably less funny when some regular joe says them over and over and over again. There are only so many times you could hear some shmoe claiming to be "verklempt" before wanting to spill a hot pot of Linda Richman's coffee all over him.

Though there were many, many humorous sketches during the early 90s, here are just a few of the most well-known and recognizable.


Coffee Talk with Linda Richman


Mike Myers actually based the character of Linda Richman on his mother-in-law, whose name was (wait for it) Linda Richman. I'm sure she was just ecstatic. As if relationships with mother-in-laws weren't tenuous enough, why not add an overblown and ridiculously mocking character based on the M-I-L herself to the mix? Well done, Myers.

Linda Richman hosted a show called "Coffee Talk" (pronouced "Cawfee Tawk" for those of you who don't have any older Jewish female relatives). Linda, full of middle aged New York Jewish wisdom, had huge hair, gaudy gold jewelry, and enormous darkened glasses. If you were to step into any deli in Boca Raton, no doubt you would find a hundred of these Linda Richman look-alikes munching on pastrami on marble rye. Myers' overblown stereotypical portrayal perfected the exaggerated New York accent and captured the essence of the modern Jewish mother.

Richman was famous for her many catchphrases. Whenever she was overcome with emotion, Linda would explain, "I'm getting verklempt." To help pass the time between her verklemptness and recovery, she would usually give us something to chat about. It went a little something like this:

"Rhode Island is neither a road nor is it an island. Discuss.""
"The chickpea is neither a chick nor a pea. Discuss."
"Duran Duran is neither a Duran nor a Duran. Discuss."

Richman and her cohorts occassionally took calls from viewers at home. Linda would announce, "Give a call, we'll talk, no big whoop." Linda Richman was absolutely obsessed with Barbra Streisand, who she frequently described as being "like buttah". Babs actually played a surprise visit to the show in a segment costarring Roseanne Barr and Madonna alongside Myers. Her appearance was planned by producers and kept secret from the actors, who somehow managed to stay in character while experiencing Streisand-induced heart attacks of joy:







Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker

I'm going to come right out and say it: I love Chris Farley. Not everyone is a fan of his shtick, but you have to admit that he knew how to drive a joke home. He consistently gave it his all and had no sense of propriety about going completely insane on camera. As Matt Foley, motivational speaker, Farley hammed it up in a plaid jacket, green tie, and thick glasses, constantly bent in an overly eager leaning-forward position.

Foley's brand of motivation was not particularly positive. In fact, it usually involved Foley speaking disparagingly about his own damned existence in which he was 35 years old, divorced, and living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER. He told his audiences that they too would probably end up living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER, throwing their comments back in their face with a triumphant "la-dee-FREAKIN'-da!" In this first sketch, Farley accidentally tripped and fell flat on his face, which was later turned into the sketch's recurring gag. Watch for David Spade's uncontrollable laughter:


Matt Foley-Motivational Speeker



Gap Girls

There was a lot of cross-dressing going on at the Saturday Night Live studio in the 90s. It seemed their theory was that every concept would be funnier if we used our male actors in drag instead of the many females actresses we have on hand. Pure brilliance, I tell you.

Admittedly some of the male cast members made better women than others. For instance, David Spade was moderately passable, whereas Adam Sandler was completely and utterly ridiculous. One of the more popular tranvestital* sketches featured Spade, Sandler, and Farley as the "Gap Girls", a group of ditzy, mall-ratty valley girls who folded jeans at the Gap. They characteristically giggled uncontrollably nails-on-chalkboard style at their own inane jokes. Their jokes were really, truly terrible. Just awful.

Whenever a customer came in with any sort of question, their advice was always the same, "Just cinch it!" as they tightened the belt to eye-bulging proportions. The clip below shows off the characters nicely, though their jokes about Michael Jackson are probably a smidge on the untimely side. If it offends you in anyway, just listen to Adam Sandler's character's counterargument. He (seen here as a "she") directly repeats what s/he heard on CourtTV, so you know it has to be true.





Pumping up with Hans and Franz
Kevin Nealon and Dana Carvey played Hans and Franz, two Austrian bodybuilders comically based on then-actor now-governator Arnold Schwarzenagger. On their set of life-size Schwarzenagger cutouts, Hans and Franz dispensed quasi-useful bodybuilding advice that usually consisted of openly mocking their clients and referring to them as "girly men".

Hans and Franz wore trademark grey sweatshirts complete with enormously padded fake muscles. They would issue their bodybuilding expertise with their trademark promise to pump (clap!) you up!



Hans and Franz finally received their comeuppance when the Terminator himself came and flexed a little pre-gubernatorial muscle:




Opera Man

Fake accents were another popular theme of 90s SNL recurring sketches, the vaguer the better. In fact, overblown accented English was nearly enough to pass for a foreign language. As was the case with Adam Sandler's Opera Man, an Italian operatic singer who belted out arias about current events.

Sandler wore a cape and was somewhat Dracula-esque in appearance. Well, technically he reminds me of the Count from Sesame Street, but maybe that's too embarrassing to admit. Then again, I just did, so maybe it's not as shameful as I'd imagined. Opera Man sang loud and ostentatiously in a language that sounded like Italian until you took a look at the subtitles flashing across the screen. In reality, he added a lot of Italian-esque suffixes to English words to make them sound Italiany. This is definitely one of those hit-or-miss ideas that could have crashed and burned into an unstoppable pile of mounting flames, but Sandler's comic timing was well-suited (okay, well-caped) to its silliness.




Church Chat

Dana Carvey's Church Lady character had quite the SNL lifespan, with sketches running from 1986-1992. In the sketches, Carvey played Enid Strict, an uptight, sanctimonious schoolmarm-type who openly chastises the alledged sinning behavior of her celebrity guests. While ordinarily other cast members would play the roles of celebrities, occasionally the celebs themselves would good-naturedly appear on Church Chat for some pious berating.

The Church Lady wore cats-eye glasses and drab knee-high hosiery and displayed a notable amount of bitterness and sarcasm. She was famous for her rhetorical, “Well, isn't that special?” and also for calling out celebrities with the phrase "How conveeeeeeeeeeenient!" For someone so supposedly full of Christian love, she was kind of a bitch.




Yes, the early 90s were a sort of renewed golden age for SNL, with its talented cast and memorable sketches. Sure, the writing wasn't exactly Pulitzer-worthy, but the actors had the comic chops to infuse life into the characters. To this day, we have to wonder what could have been had Chris Farley lived to make the Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker movie. Then again, what do we know? We'll probably just end up living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.


*This is a made-up word

Joe Camel

If you ever needed proof that we're fighting the wrong battles, look no further than the late 90s Joe Camel controversy. It's not that these moral crusaders didn't have good intentions, for no doubt they meant well. However, in their fixation on a single cartoon product spokescamel, they began to focus on symptom's of society's ills instead of the root cause. "If we could just get that blasted camel off of Playboy back covers," they thought, "No child will ever feel inclined to pick up a cigarette again."

Unfortunately for these folks, being The Man in telling the younger generation how to behave is probably the worst way to get them to acquiesce. In fact, the way most of us find out what's cool is by seeing what The Man brings down. That's not to say I'm calling cigarette smoking cool, of course. I'm no Joe Camel. That cartoon was one smooth character.

If nothing else, this media crusade only reasserts how uptight Americans are. This is what we do. We see that there are many problems that can not be fixed. Instead of picking a problem to focus on, we pick a tiny aspect of that problem from which to launch a media maelstrom of outrage and discontent. What can we say? We were too lazy to take a swing a solving the problem of youth smoking, so we cast out our excessive anger dart and target whichever minuscule point the dart pin pricks.

Admittedly I'm being a tad facetious. The Joe Camel ads, while certainly not as detrimental to society as moral watchdog groups would claim, absolutely came with myriad of mixed messages. The original Joe Camel ads (commemorating the company's 75th anniversary) featured the tagline, "75 Years and Still Smokin'". Perhaps this isn't the most welcome complement to anti-smoking programs in schools warning of emphysema and lung disease, but then again the ad isn't claiming that after 75 years you'll still be smoking. It's all in the semantics, you see.


Though the first to come under fire (from the media, that is, not lighters), Joe Camel was certainly not the only cartoon smokesanimal. From the 1930s through early 60s, Kool cigarettes had an adorable little anthropomorphic penguin hawking their goods.



A closer look into the Joe Camel Campaign shows it's pretty unlikely these ads were somehow intentionally aimed at children. A 1991 New York Times article explains

He has a penchant for dressing up in stereotypical masculine gear like hard hats, T-shirts, skin-diving wet suits and tuxedos -- all meant to appeal to the male smokers who predominate among Camel customers.

First of all, that sentence is ridiculous. It implies all real men go around alternating between their hardhats and tuxedos before a quick scuba diving jaunt. Obviously on all sides of the Joe Camel argument, serious amounts of exaggeration were in play.



The article also suggests that critics wanted to, er, penalize the character for its supposedly inappropriate traits:

Among the most contentious aspects of Joe Camel's appearance has been that nose. Reynolds has always said this protuberance is nothing more than an exaggerated rendering of a camel's nose; critics say it was drawn in a phallic fashion to suggest that smoking is a virile pursuit.

I have to say I'd never heard that one before, but my God, these people are Freudian. Okay, let's break this down. We've got a penis-nosed camel wearing sunglasses and a tuxedo, surrounded by fawning beautiful women, and proclaiming himself to be a "smooth character". This doesn't sound much like something to appeal to ignorant and impressionable young children. It sounds like something to appeal to ignorant and impressionable young men.

In all likelihood, the actual intent of the campaign was to be edgy and hip in a seriously calculated way. Sure, it's certainly an offense, but it doesn't mean they're trying to stuff cigs into the unsuspecting mouths of 3-year olds. Apparently not everyone felt this way. In this Bill Maher clip, an oddly mismatched group of interviewees discuss the controversial cartoon camel:



Regardless of Baptist Minister Tony Campolo's accusations against Camel, I beg to argue comic Kevin Nealon says it best in this segment: "If they influence kids, then why aren't more kids, like, riding camels?" Hmm. Probing question, favorite Weekend Update host. Why weren't more kids, like, riding camels?

The Journal of the American Medical Association stepped in and dealt the final blow to the thriving Joe Camel campaign. They produced a study that claimed that more kindergartners could recognize the Joe Camel character than Mickey Mouse or Fred Flintstone. First of all, that's really great news for these ad people. Secondly, maybe these researchers should have chosen some more contemporary characters.

The whole affair exploded in a highly-publicized trial, as testimonials claimed that the company was targeting young people because they were the most viable consumers with the most potential for growth. Well, as we said in the 90s, duh. That's how advertising works. We advertise to the people who will maximize our profit margins. It's not exactly rocket science.



Under pressure, the company pulled the ads, paid some money for anti-smoking campaigns, and replaced their spokescamel with a decidedly less cute generic camel silhouette. It just goes to show you: if you make a big enough fuss about some misguided notion, you can use a great deal of time, money, and effort formulating vicious allegations against a supposed wrong-doer and eventually bringing them down. Apparently a great victory for the moral crusaders of the world, the suave Joe Camel character was permanently benched. Thank God for that, too. We wouldn't want our kids exposed to obscene phallic-nosed caricatures.

Yes, I acknowledge that cigarette companies do a whole lot of wrong. That point is relatively moot. I just don't think that producing a suave hardhatted camel is one of them. Unlike today's more direct and effective anti-smoking campaigns, this didn't focus on stopping kids from smoking; instead, it sought to eliminate a character that children may potentially find appealing that could eventually lead to their interest in smoking. Not exactly a direct route there, is it?

Before They Were Stars: Celebrities' TV Commercial Pasts

Image via Orlandosentinel.com

Everyone has to get their start somewhere. Once upon a time, our current celebrities were children and teenagers still yearning to prove their worth to the entertainment industry. Lucky for them, appearing in television commercial spots is a great way to get noticed and jump-start a burgeoning career. Lucky for us, many of these clips are now available online for our perusing and light mocking pleasure.

Seeing footage of celebrities before they hit their fame stride is a sort of unnerving phenomenon. On one hand, it gives you a bit of that well-once-upon-a-time-they-were-just-normal-kids kind of feeling. On the other, you realize that they've always been attractive and special and brimming with a level of star quality you couldn't even imagine possessing.

You want to believe they're just ordinary people, but even in their youth they were spectacular. While the rest of us were getting fitted for thick-framed glasses and sleeping in orthodontic headgear, these happy-go-lucky future celebrities were carefreely frolicking on our TV sets, hawking desirable products.

Without further speculation on how little the rest of us had accomplished by the time these pretty young things already had a hefty work portfolio in hand, I present a handpicked compilation of delightful before-they-were-incredibly-huge-stars-beyond-the-reaches-of-our-wildest-fantasies. Enjoy!



Paul Rudd for SuperNintendo



Okay, okay, so Rudd definitely isn't a kid in this one, but it was certainly before the hit his career prime. A young lad in his early 20s, Rudd's cheesy overly impressed expressions are truly priceless. When you compare this zealous enthusiasm with his contemporary deadpan humor, there is quite a divide. I love that frightened, sort of paranoid look on his face. It's like he's thinking, "Ohmygod this video game is so so so fun...but wait! What is that booming voice? That ominous wind? That increasingly dark commercial set?" He just looks like he can't believe he's getting away with playing video games while wearing a blazer. Well played, Paul Rudd. Literally.



Leonardo DiCaprio for Bubble Yum


This really is a quintessentially 90s commercial. That dialogue? That flannel shirt? That boombox? Oh, that boombox. Our boy Leo is up there giving it his all, illustrating the superior unpoppability of Bubble Yum in comparison to industrial-grade sound speakers. Pure 90s brilliance.




Sarah Michelle Gellar for Burger King



Don't be fooled by SMG's adorably innocuous appearance; this commercial was perceived as highly controversial for its time. Sure, compared to today's vicious attack ads this seems pretty tame, but back in the day this was considered a pretty heavy slam. In this 1981 ad spot, Burger King (via miniature spokesperson Sarah Michelle Gellar) contended that McDonald's burgers contained 20% less meat. I know, it's awful. I'm still getting over it.

Unlike today's openly aggressive ads, retro commercials featured the niceties of passive aggressive anonymity in their bashing of rival companies. This ad may seem pretty benign by today's standards, but it was indeed among the first commercials to bash a competitor by name. That's right: they named names. Burger King would have made out awesome during the Red Scare. Gellar herself even appeared in court to bear 4 year-old witness, if that makes any sense. I smell a publicity stunt. And a delicious, delicious, 20% meatier burger.




Brad Pitt for Levis



That swoonworthy floppy 90s hair really drove the girls wild. In the ad, Pitt plays a prisoner being released back into the wild, upon which he is immediately met by a super-attractive brunette in a skintight dress and convertible. The girl throws him his Levis and the warden looks on creepily as puts them on and publicly displays affection for this mystery woman. I really love their impromptu photo shoot, too. You sort of have to wonder what he was in for that he seems so carefree and unaffected by his stay in prison. My vote is for driving while intoxicatingly attractive.

This was not the only commercial in Pitt's youth; he'd also done a TV spot a few years earlier for Pringles potato chips. The quality is sort of pixelated, but perhaps its just to cover the obscene amazingness of Brad's shirtless physique. The height of his hair in this ad nearly rivals its Burn Before Reading proportions.

Brad Pitt for Pringles





Jessica Biel for Pringles



Brad Pitt wasn't the only future star who, once popped, could not find it within himself to stop. Jessica Biel also showed up in a Pringles ad a view years later. The clip above is a fairly recent one with Biel on the Letterman show, but be patient. I swear they show the commercial eventually and even handily smack a red arrow on the screen to identify Biel. She also describes the audition process, which seems to err slightly on the side of bizarre. They wanted to make sure she could adequately move a Pringle from one side of her mouth to another. I'm sure Biel gets that sort of thing all the time.




Lindsay Lohan for Jello



Ah, remember the days when Lindsay Lohan was but an adorable auburn-headed sprite? Say what you will about the oft-misguided starlet now, but back in the day she could certainly hold her own bopping around next to Mr. Cosby himself. Our freckly little pal was just bursting with enthusiasm, sporting a near-maniacal smile. I suppose I'd be pretty excited to if Mr. Huxtable let me hang out and chat gelatin snacks with him, too.




Steve Carell for Brown's Chicken


This 1989 ad reflects all that is good about Steve Carell--his open charm, his easygoing manner, his love for chicken. The whole thing comes off as very Michael Scott to me, though perhaps I tend to blur the line between Carell and his character during my many idling hours of Office DVD-watching.

This ad, shot low-budgetly on location at a local Chicago Brown's Chicken, is certainly evident of humble beginnings. At the time, Carell was a part of the acclaimed Second City comedy troupe. Unluckily for him, this role didn't quite let him show off his comedy chops. It did, however, enlighten us about the cholesterol-free goodness of cottonseed oil. Mmmm, cottonseed oil.




Kirstin Dunst for Baby Dolly Surprise



Just look at little Kirsten in her polygamist cult-grade floppy lace-collared dress. She's one hair pouf away from being a mini-Chloe Sevigny on Big Love. I do love her little blonde 'fro, though. Whatever happened to curly Kirsten? You sort of have to wonder if she had some perm-crazy stage parents. Luckily, the phase seemed to have passed by the time she was interviewed by a vampire. A very, very good-looking vampire.



It just goes to show that stars really aren't just like us, no matter what counter-evidence US Weekly tries to peddle. For most, it was a quick hop, skip, and a jump from adorable child to devastatingly good-looking adult. Until those long lost awkward phase bar-mitzvah photos show up, we'll just have to settle for admiring them from afar.