Daytime TV in the 90s

If you believe daytime TV is growing increasingly trashier each year, raise your hand. If this is a toughie, I'll give you all a minute or two to think it over. All right, time's up. You ready? Heads down, hands up. No peeking, I'll take a count.

It's officially unanimous. I know it, you know, the American people know it. Elsewhere across the globe, people are scratching their heads and saying, "Wow, is it just me, or has daytime TV really taken a turn?" That's just a rough translation from Estonian, of course, but you get the point.



Ricki Lake



Slimmed-down Hairspray alum Ricki Lake hosted this eponymous daytime talk rag, tantalizing us with the tawdriest of topics. Ricki's show was trashy, pure and simple. We loved dragging out the alleged perpetrator--be it cheating or, in the above case, cousin marryin'--and hissing and booing them to our hearts' collective content.

The satisfying thing about these shows wasn't so much that they were scandalous, but rather that they made us feel better about our own vanilla Wonderbread mundane lives. Sure, we weren't out there wrestling alligators and winning Nobel Prizes, but we also weren't marrying our cousins. Ricki's show served as a sort of trashiness litmus test, and unless you're gazing at a current photo of you and a close relative locked in a passionate embrace, I'd say you passed.


Geraldo



We all like a good fight now and then, but Geraldo really knew how to drive the point home. Early in his series (1988), he invited a slew of ideologically mismatched hate spewers and social activists to duke it out onscreen. Geraldo put skinheads and neo-Nazis onstage with Jewish and black activists and surprise of surprises, it got ugly. Remember, this was just the beginning, but you've got to admire him laying it all out there so early in the game.

Geraldo started strong, but went soft on us by the mid-to-late 90s. They re-spun his show as the more formally titled Geraldo Rivera Show and attempted to showcase a softer, more serious host. Clearly their hosts had missed the memo that people watched tabloid talk shows for the trashiness factor. I mean, we all got the memo. Also, I heard they forgot to file their TPS reports. For shame.



Jenny Jones



Jenny Jones was a Springer-like daytime offering, with only slightly less skeezy topical content. It was, nonetheless, absolutely ridiculous. I mean, there was a show called You May Shake it for Money, But Leave Those Sexy Clothes at the Club, Honey! I'm not saying I wouldn't watch it, I'm just disparaging the writers' poor rhyming scheme.

The Jenny Jones show is now infamous for its implications in a murder case, the crime committed following an appearance on Jones's show. The Ambush was a popular 90s talk show trope as unsuspecting guests were confronted without warning. Michigan native John Smitz came on the show to learn of a secret admirer only to find that the mysterious source of affection was not a woman as he expected but one of his male acquaintances. Reportedly "humiliated" by the incident, Smitz fatally shot his male admirer just days after the episode was filmed. And you thought those episodes about wayward teens bombed. Talk about putting a damper on things.



The Phil Donahue Show

Yep, that's Donahue getting told by Marilyn Manson. Sorry, pal, he only likes the trashier talk shows. Tough break.

Yes, the snowy-haired Donahue we knew in the 90s had already racked up a good twenty years in the talk show business at that point, but his show was pretty adept at keeping up with the times. Despite his increasing resemblance to that old guy from Up, Donahue kept with it for awhile.

Unfortunately for our boy Phil, the incredibly overstocked marketplace of daytime talk shows eventually squeezed him out. While once he'd reigned over the airwaves, new and more salacious (read: shameless) shows eventually got the better of his once-loyal audience. Once upon a time they may have been shocked to hear about the dangers of reverse vasectomies, it seemed pretty tame in comparison to stories of incorrigible six-year olds hell bent on becoming strippers. Or, you know, whatever other filth his opponents were cooking up and serving to us in our daily dose of daytime dirt.



Jerry Springer



Jerry Springer is perhaps the most notorious of these daytime tabloid talk show hosts, if nothing else than for the sheer volume of fights per episode. You'd think his guest simply spend their lives looking for someone to punch in the face, yearning to be held back by a beefy humorless security guy.

Springer is pure entertainment and pretty much no substance, but it doesn't masquerade itself as much other than a sensationalist freakshow. It's like going to the car races to see a fiery fatal crash. You're horrified, but you also just can't look away. It's like some sort of magnetic force field that tugs your vocal chords and prompts you to chant, "Jerry! Jerry!" till everyone onstage has been sufficiently beaten up.


Sally Jessy Raphael



Sally Jessy didn't just have a fun-to-say name, she also had a fun-to-impersonate look. Inasmuch, her show sometimes paraded males costumed in Sally Jessy drag, each more huge glasses-ed and signaturely crop-topped than the last. Actually, tons of Sally's shows featured all sorts of drag queens, whether in pageants or singing showcases. I have no idea why. At least they had the kind sense to call them "female impersonators". Very professional.

Raphael was even spoofed by the usually benign Sesame Street. Now that's how you know you've made it, when there's a grouch character modeled after you:




Maury Povich



A long long time ago, in a galaxy lightyears from here, Maury Povich's show was not simply the who's-your-baby-daddy parade it is today. Back in the 90s, he also used to cover topics like out-of-control overweight babies and irrational snail phobias. These days, though, he's not quite so classy. I'm pretty sure he has some sort of autopilot mode that intones deeply, "The lie detector test determined that that was a lie. You are not the father!"



The Montel Williams Show


Montel pulled what shall now be referred to as a "reverse-Maury" or a "Geraldo special" depending on your point of view and/or preference for well-groomed mustaches. The show started out trashy and actually moved out of the genre rather into the gaping void of the morally empty abyss. The show's later years were characterized by inspirational tales of overcoming adversity and succeeding in the face of life challenges. In other words? It got boring. Bring back silicone breast implant nightmares!



Oprah



How can you not love a woman who brings out a big ol' barrel of fat to document her own embarrassing diet struggles? That's just good TV.

No one can deny that Oprah is one of the most powerful and influential women alive. She tells us what our favorite things are and we dutifully go purchase $50 cookie dough and cashmere ponchos. She tells us what to read and we eagerly seek her sanctioned stamp of approval at bookstores everywhere. Everyone wanted to talk to her. Even the often elusive Michael Jackson (video above) opened up to her. She's like a good girlfriend we all just want to spill our guts to. In front of millions of people. To possibly get a free car. Thanks, O.


Love them or hate them, these shows expose a deep inner part of our human nature, one for which we yearn to see the complete and totally ridiculous humiliation of others to make ourselves feel better. Some of these shows have grown more salacious with age while others have tamed their trashtastic inner beasts, but in the 90s, the tabloid talk show ruled. Heck, we grew up with it, and we turned out okay, right? Now excuse me while I go file a slew of paternity suits.

90s Catch Phrase Mash-Up: Movie Edition

We all know those people whose daily utterings are littered with movie quotes. It's almost as if these folks can't think in any terms outside of the predetermined language of film. While those people may be endlessly irritating, we've all been guilty at one point or another--especially in our younger years--of parroting unforgettable movie lines at whatever we considered to be an opportune time. Behold, some of the most quoted movie catch phrases of the 1990s:



"Show Me the Money"/"You had me at Hello"/"You Complete Me" (Jerry Maguire)





Talk about wide-ranging quotability. Jerry Maguire was the kind of movie men and women could see together and both enjoy. Rather than grumbling at being dragged along for the millionth time to some tearjerker romance or inspiring football story, we could go see both elements squeezed into a single movie. Now that's efficiency.

These lines encompassed both the tear-jerkingly sentimental and big beefy tacklingly manly sides of Jerry Maguire. It was a simpler time, a time before Cuba Gooding Jr. was starring in hot messes about accidental gay cruise vacations and Tom Cruise wasn't accusing Matt Lauer of glibness. Back in 1996, there were no two people we'd rather quote.



"I'm the King of the World!" (Titanic)



To this day, I can't watch Titanic without feeling like I'm cheating a little bit. How dare I let these characters romp freely and happily, leaving steamy handprints on antique car windows and proclaiming their royal rulership over the world when I know what's in store for them? No one went into theaters thinking, "Hey, maybe they'll make it out okay this time," not just from our robust knowledge of nautical history but by the fact that most teen girls cried their eyes out at this one in theaters at least twice.

Jack's proclamation while written no doubt with good intention was just a tad over the top, and I'm not just talking about his physical placement on the boat. The line was actually voted the cheesiest movie moment ever http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6662425/, just edging out Dirty Dancing's "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" Let me just say, if you're coming in ahead of that one, you should probably be concerned.



"You Can't Handle the Truth!" (A Few Good Men)



Many a time have I wished for Jack Nicholson's indescribable coolness. He has a certain je ne sais quoi that allows him to frolick on beaches with his oversized gut exposed, balding head glinting in the sunlight, still inexplicably making you wish you could bottle just a fraction of his suaveness. His performance in A Few Good Men is no exception, as he makes all of us wish we'd all been the first to pound the courtroom table forcefully and accuse our underlings of overstepping their roles. Better yet, Nicholson nailed the scene in one take, meaning he got that right on the first try. Some people have all the luck. And the best sunglasses, too.



"Allllrighty Then" (Ace Ventura)



If you grew up during the 90s anywhere near the general proximity of a movie theater, it's pretty certain you quoted Ace Ventura nonstop from 1994 to 1995. While he's mellowed with age and taken more grown-up roles in recent years, in the 90s Jim Carrey was like catnip to children. We just couldn't get enough. If he talked through his butt, we would talk through our butts. If he christened bald bespectacled men "the Monopoly guy" we'd no doubt follow suit. Or in this case, Hawaiian shirt.



"Hasta Lavista, Baby" (The Terminator)



You may not know, but once upon a time Arnold Schwarzenegger was not just a mild-mannered California gubernatorial force, but a bad to the metal core ass-kicking name-taking robot. If only all of our politicians had gotten their start this way, maybe our senate chambers wouldn't be packed with flabby girlymen. If this line doesn't have you shaking in your robot-combative boots, don't worry. He'll be back.



"There's No Crying in Baseball!" (A League of Their Own)




Coach Jimmy Dugan obviously has a questionable understanding of women when they bring in the former major leaguer as a coach for the All-American Girls' Professional Baseball League. For God's sake, his team is called the Peaches. How can he be shocked when they're so thin-skinned?



"Houston, We Have a Problem" (Apollo 13)



In this true-story account of the plague-ridden Apollo 13 space mission, astronaut John Lovell (played again by Tom Hanks) utters this famous line. I'm sorry to be the ones to break this to you, but Lovell didn't actually say, "Houston, we have a problem." He actually said, "I believe we've had a problem here" followed by "Houston, we've had a problem." I know, it's sort of hair-splitting, but screenwriters really really wanted to push this line into the present tense to augment the action. Poor Lovell's going to be misquoted for life.



"Momma Always Said Life is Like a Box of Chocolates. You Never Know What You're Gonna Get" (Forrest Gump)



Were there any movies in the 90s that Tom Hanks wasn't in? Forrest Gump was the story of a simple Alabama man, and Hanks as Gump taught us to suspend our judgment by giving us little gems of wisdom issued by his mother (played by Sally Field." She said some other things, but I always liked this one best. If you can compare anything to chocolate, it will instantly become about two hundred times more relatable for me. Mmm, chocolate.



"Ya, You Betcha" (Fargo)



As a native Minnesotan, I feel the need to take a stand. Yes, Fargo is amusing, but it's also opened the floodgates of Minnesotan-directed mocking, namely at our alleged accents. We don't really talk like that. Uff-da, we're really just a bunch of normal people eating hotdish and complaining about our cars not starting in the winter, dontcha know?



"Whatever!"/"As if!" (Clueless)


Clueless brought us an entirely new teen lexicon based on the vacuous prattle of superficial young girls. Following in the footsteps of other great teen movies, it introduced a set of teen-specific vocabulary that quickly filtered into youth culture. You can even find Clueless slang glossaries http://www.jasa.net.au/study/cslang.htm online. So here's the 411 on speaking Clueless: all you Bettys and Baldwins need to stop buggin' and haul ass to your loca lvideo store (if any still exist) and check out this movie. It's like way famous. At least put it in your Netflix queue.



"Yeah, Baby!" (Austin Powers)



Mike Myers as Sir Austin Danger Powers poked fun at the dashing action heroes of the 60s and 70s, transporting a (literally) frozen-in-time spy into the 90s. Everyone knows you can't thwart an evil villain bent on world takeover without a fun-loving attitude and some signature catch phrases. For years to come--and through all of the subsequent sequels--moviegoers everywhere spouted off these signature lines at every turn. If I never hear another person ask, "Do I make you horny, baby? Do I?" it'll be too soon.



"Schwing!"/"We're Not Worthy!" (Wayne's World)



Schwing is still an awesome euphemism for a bodily reaction we have yet to name otherwise. When Wayne and Garth saw a hot chick or even discussed one on their show...schwing! If you're still at a loss, you either need to watch the movie or visit Urban Dictionary. Really, though, this is probably something you should have picked up on in the 90s. You're clearly not worthy.


Whether you loved or hated these lines, it's irrefutable that they were everywhere in the 90s. We may as well embrace it. They complete us.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Don't forget to enter all and any personal or family Glamour Shots in the Glamour Shots Challenge! Send your undoubtedly embarrassing photos to childrenofthe90s@gmail.com!

Speaking of things parents weren't all that fond of in the 90s, I'm pretty sure bone-chillingly terrifying children's television programming ranked pretty high up on their lists. It's almost shocking what kid's TV networks were able to get away with back in the 90s. Nowadays you're lucky if you can so much as say "boo" to impressionable and innocent young children without raising angry red flags amongst hovering parent watchdog groups.

In our day, however, things were a little different. Children's shows weren't afraid to be a little edgy, and by that I mean they put kids on edge. For life. No, really. I still have nightmares about that stupid clown Zeebo.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? was a show responsible for scaring the living daylights out of us while inevitably necessitating nightlights. The correct answer to the show's title question was yes, yes we are, and we may never sleep again. Thank you, Nickelodeon, for affording us a chance at nightmare-induced juvenile insomnia. As if our parents didn't have enough legitimate safety concerns for us, they were now forced to spend valuable worrying time reassuring us against the existence of mute child ghosts and evil spirit-filled magic wands. Time well spent.

There were a few episodes in particular that have stuck with me. As in they are forever stuck in my brain, briefly terrorizing me whenever they bob to the cerebral surface. Just for you, though, I'm willing to temporarily forget how pants-peeingly scary these episodes were and share them with you for the greater good of horror-themed nostalgia.

Submitted for the approval of the Children of the 90s Society, I call this story *tosses handful of potassium nitrate into imaginary roaring campfire* The Tale of the Scariest Episodes:

Tale of Laughing in the Dark



I'm with the Rachel Blanchard character on this one. I too suffer from what Kiki describes as "Bozophobia". Really, who isn't afraid of clowns these days? It's all just a little too John Wayne Gacy for me to handle.

Anyway, Cher sucks it up and we return to the ill-fated Playland, an amusement park home to the "spookhouse" called Laughing in the Dark. Catchy name, huh? I get the feeling that's going to play into things later somehow. Our story's stars are generally too chicken to enter, but like any normal kids they decided to do some good old fashioned academic research on the alleged clown haunting.

Apparently there was this clown Zeebo who was an all around bad guy, stealing money from the circus and eventually getting his comeuppance as he burned alive in the Laughing in the Dark spookhouse after an incident with his cigar. Tragic.

One kid dares another to steel Zeebo's clown nose, and the dare-ee agrees so long as the darer will wear the clown nose to school. What could be funnier, really?

Our pal Josh (the aforemention dare-ee) goes into LitD, and it's so-so scary rather than so so scary. At first, that is. Unsurprisingly, Josh is plagued by the clown's ghost, who does weird stuff like write his initials in pudding and sends threatening balloon messages. Josh obliges, returning the nose but leaving us to wonder what exactly we just saw. It may not sound all that scary, but we're talking clowns here. Clowns.

Tale of the Pinball Wizard

Are You Afraid of the Dark - S01E13
Uploaded by andrethegiant.

If we've learned nothing from these tales of terror, it's that when someone tells you not to touch something, for the love of God do not touch it! Is it really that tough a concept? Once you've erred the first ten or so times, you think that you'd realize they were probably warning you for your own horror story character good, but these fictional kids just never learn.

This episode isn't quite as scary as the others, but it definitely drew kids in with its enthralling premise. If you get locked in the mall late at night playing a forbidden pinball machine, you will inevitably end up in a life-size human version of the game. There's pretty much no other possible route from there. You're going to be in a living pinball game, and you're going to like it, dammit.



Tale of the Hatching





I used to think boarding school might be a fun option until I saw The Tale of the Hatching. It wasn't until Harry Potter that I could even think of entertaining romantic notions of boarding school. We're talking years of trauma to my prep school fantasy. Years.

Jazz and Augie are siblings sent to a mysterious boarding school. The school has all sorts of wacky (read: suspicious and inevitably terrifying) rules about being calm and quiet on the grounds. Plus, every meal consists of a substance called "spunge". If that's not a warning sign, I don't know what is. I mean, really. Spunge?

Turns out the headmasters are evil aliens (surprise!) and the spunge contains a trance-inducing mind control agent. Yikes. The kids are hypnotized into incubating the unhatched eggs. Once these mini reptillian cuties hatch, they feast on students for sustenance. I don't like where this is headed.

Luckily, our heroes are smart and realize that loud noises and certain frequencies are the auditory nemeses of these slimy overlords. They blast loud music from their walkmans and save the day...or do they? Like all good AYAOTD episodes, it's a sort of unsettling cliffhanger. In the last scene, we see a single ominous surviving egg. Does it go on to start a new boarding school? Will it inevitably eat Jazz and Augie? Will killing them off stop parents from giving their kids stupid names like Jazz and Augie? We may never know.



Tale of the Thirteenth Floor


We all know the thirteenth floor is reputably spooky, but we didn't know exactly why until we were scared witless (I'm going to say 'witless" and not a more appropriate alternative because this is a family blog) until we saw this episode.

Billy and Karin live on the twelfth floor of a creepy-ish apartment building. The kids like to go play up on the thirteenth floor because, you know, it's abandoned and spooky. Then, dream of dreams come true and a toy company moves in to the thirteenth floor. A toy company! Is there anything better?

Well yeah, if those toy company employees are secretly faceless space aliens. Just a teeny little hitch in the whole playing-with-toys scenario. They draw in our innocent little children and bam! they reveal they're really building a spaceship to take Karin back to their home planet. Billy's a wimp and can't take the atmospheric changes and almost dies, but Karin in an uncharacteristic show of heroism saves him. It's at this point we find out that (gasp!) Karin is actually one of them, a faceless alien. Ahhhh!!!!

Tale of the Dead Man's Float


As a swimmer, this episode really spoke to me. In my sleep. Through undead pool monsters.

I always thought this was one of the scariest episodes, if nothing else because the zombie thing is just so retina-scarring. Kids everywhere boycotted swimming lessons and refused to don those floaty-arm things for years after watching this episode. It's a true testament to how scary this show could actually be. I mean, even looking now at the picture of that pool thing makes me want to go hide in my office cabinets and arm myself with staple removers and letter openers.

Zeke's a nerd eager to win over his crush Clorice. They find an abandoned swimming pool at their school and think it's an excellent idea to campaign to have it reopened. Clorice is a swim team star and Zeke is working overtime to get into her good graces. Everything's going, er, swimmingly until they begin to suspect the pool is haunted, a notion later confirmed by a loner janitor type. Apparently the pool was built on an old cemetary and one body was left behind. I think we all know what's coming up next.

Because Zeke's a geek, he knows that the ghost's sulfuric smell means its acidic makeup could be detected will some good ol' methyl orange. Sweet chemistry lesson, AYAOFD. It's almost enough to lull me into a false calm until OH MY GOD THAT RED ZOMBIE THING IS THE SCARIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! I'm not even going to post the pictures here because I won't be able to look at my own blog if it's up here, haunting me. Just watch the video. But don't say I didn't warn you.


The show was great because it was not gimmicky. Sure, it sometimes relied on guest stars like Tia and Tamara Mowry as creepy chameleon girls or hunky Boy Meets World star Will Friedle as a guy thrown back in time by a locket, but the underlying value was in the show's uncompromising dedication to being truly scary. It haunts me still. I'm starting to wish I'd never Google Imaged "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float". Who knew such scary stuff could come out of Canada, of all places?