90s Holiday Pop Albums

Seasons Greetings, children of the 90s. Welcome to the first of what's sure to be a many, many-part 90s Christmas post series sprinkled intermittently throughout this holiday season. Brace yourselves. It's going to be festive.

While driving to work this morning, the radio was blaring Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" and I came to the stunning realization that I know all of the words and musical nuances to this song. Now, I don't personally celebrate Christmas, but I do participate in another critical holiday tradition: shopping. Stores know that if they pipe Christmas music into the stores, we'll all get a bit glassy-eyed and nostalgic and our credit-dependent inner gift givers really come out to spend. Let me tell you, based on all the merrily decorated green and red shopping bags littering my apartment, this theory holds pretty true.

There are only so many holiday classics to play, though, and the pop music industry is quick to fill this void with auto-tuned covers and horribly corny new songs. Back in the days when people actually purchased tapes or CDs at their local music emporium, Christmas CDs were a sort of cop-out way for artists to make a quick buck and eke out some allegedly new material for holiday season live performances. These days, it's more likely we'd be roasting chestnuts on an open fire while listening to a pirated mp3 version of our favorite Christmas tune.

In the 90s, though, it a pretty a lucrative enterprise, and many many pop music makers jumped on board the Christmas Album express to bring us this mixed bag of the good, the bad, and the horribly cheesy:


N*SYNC: Home for Christmas

A mishmash of original songs and traditional covers, N*SYNC's 1998 Christmas album gave us a syrupy dose of holiday time bubble gum pop. It was tough to pop this one in the boombox without suffering a serious toothache. They released the single "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays", garnering some moderate radio play. It's since become a standard in many mall stores' Christmas music rotations. I'm pretty sure I had this on a mixtape somewhere. It was catchy, plus the video features Gary Coleman as an elf. What's not to like?


N Sync - Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays (Official Music Video) - For more amazing video clips, click here


Spice Girls' Christmas Wrapping

The Spice Girls were wildly popular in the late 90s, meaning that even two enormously pregnant group members wasn't enough to stand in the way of production of this cover of The Waitresses' 1981 "Christmas Wrapping". Geri Halliwell had since departed the group, and between her absence and Mel B's and Victoria Beckham's respective pregnancies that left only Emma Bunton and Mel C on vocals. Still, it's kind of catchy. In a Spice Girls sort of way.





Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas

Released at the pinnacle of Carey's 90s fame, Merry Christmas quickly became one of the bestselling Christmas albums of the decade. Another compilation of original songs and covers, producers released several singles from the album. By far the most successful was "All I Want For Christmas is You", which even the sometimes-finicky New Yorker admitted was of the only new Christmas songs worthy of breaking into the traditional "holiday canon".

In typical diva fashion, Carey released several videos for her top single. To her credit, though, her song has the staying power that so many others did not. It remains amongst the most popular holiday cell phone ringtones, so don't be surprised it you still hear it playing in purses and pockets everywhere.





Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song

Most stores still shuffle this in their regular assortment of holiday songs as minor consolation to Members of the Tribe. Sandler's song appeared on Saturday Night Live and on his comedy album What the Hell Happened to Me? While subsequent performances have featured updated pop culture references in the lyrics, the original is still pretty funny. It served to remind those of us who don't celebrate Christmas that, hey, we may not get to delight in presents under the trimmed tree but we have many, many compadres in the show biz industry. The song taught young Jewish kids that they can claim Captain Kirk and Mr Spock alongside all three stooges as their brethren, so maybe it's not so bad after all.





Celine Dion: These are Special Times

These are Special Times remains one of the best-selling Christmas releases, selling over 15 million copies internationally. It's sort of an eclectic mix, with some traditional songs and others with...R Kelly? Really? Their duet "I'm Your Angel" charted at number one and remained there for weeks. The single went platinum, proving that pompous Canadians and legally troubled rappers can produce beautiful music together. I mean, it's no "Trapped in the Closet", but it'll do.





Hanson: Snowed in

Who better to count on in the mid 90s to give us some squeaky clean family-friendly fare than the Hanson brothers? They must have been doing something right, as their Christmas Album Snowed In went platinum. It was pop holiday music at its most innocent and least offensive.





New Kids on the Block: Merry, Merry Christmas

New Kids on the Block opened the floodgates to the boy band phenomenon of the 90s, and their 1989 Merry Merry Christmas was a prime example of their cheesy charm. With songs like "Funky, Funky Xmas", how could you lose? That one sounds like a guaranteed hit. My personal favorite is "This One's for the Children", which is corny even by NKotB standards.
New Kids On The Block - This One's For The Children
Free Videos at www.blastro.com

These may not all have been musical masterpieces, but did allow usually surly teenagers to delight in the holiday with the help of their favorite pop singers. The albums all get essentially a free pass on cheesiness because it's the holidays and we're supposed to be generous, kind, and forgiving. Which is a lucky thing, as many of these albums were completely and totally over-the-top cornball. They do have an uncanny way of putting you in the holiday spirit, so go ahead and revel in the only time of year where you can suspend your judgments and just enjoy it.

Office Space

Certain movies get funnier as we get older. As carefree children the cynicism and satire is pretty much completely lost on us. We may think we like a movie as a kid only to find out years later that we didn't really get it the first time around.

Office Space is one of those movies. Released in 1999, its theatrical release fell just short of a complete financial flop just barely breaking even on production costs. Despite the near-abysmal ticket sales, a few years later Comedy Central took on the Office Space cause and proceeded to play the movie ad infinitum. Between 2001 and 2003, you had something like a one in ten chance of flipping your television to Comedy Central and seeing Office Space. For a movie that bombed in the theaters, those odds were looking pretty good for viewership.

As a teenager I recall thinking the movie was kind of funny, but I couldn't quite pinpoint why. I'm pretty sure I just like all the flair Jennifer Anniston had to wear for her job at Tchotchkie's restaurant. I probably saw the movie 20 times during high school, though, and I consistently believed I enjoyed these viewings.

I grew up, as people tend to do, and got my first office job. I saw the movie again. I was shocked to find that it was brilliant. Not just the flair this time around, either. This movie was genius. How had I missed it?

"We need to talk about your TPS reports"

In the years between, the movie gained something of a cult following. Office drones everywhere gather to bow down at the Office Space altar, delighting in its depiction in all that is horrific and mundane about cubical monkeyhood. The satire is spot-on, which is pretty impressive coming from the guy behind Beavis and Butthead. Mike Judge took a critical eye to the sterile corporate life so many of us are entwined in and let us live vicariously through the reckless and satisfyingly vengeful actions of our protagonists. In this movie, the good guys were the bad guys. Sure, they were stealing money and destroying the company computer system, but how many times can a person be asked about a memo? It's pretty inevitable that he's just going to snap one day.

Our hero Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston) is an office drone with great aspirations: to do nothing. Anyone who's ever slaved away at their desk knows that no matter how ambitious you once were, it's impossible to stare at your computer eight hours a day without this thought filtering through your brain. At that point, nothing seems like the ultimate something, and something you may never be rich enough to achieve. Depressing, right? It's almost as bad as coming down with a case of the Mondays.



Unsurprisingly, Gibbons is not much of a go-getter. His only real motivation to do any work at all seems to lie in his desire not to be fired, but he spends most of his time staring at his desk. As a kid, I thought, "Well, isn't that nothing?" but as an adult, I realize that it is indeed something. Something that makes you a slave to the system rather than an agent of your own free will.

It's 1999, and Gibbon's task at work is to reprogram computers for the allegedly impending Y2K computer crisis. His job at Initech is further compounded by the ever-irritating vice president Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole), who constantly suggests he just go ahead and get on with those TPS reports. He's not a particularly good listener, completely tuning out Peter when he explains that yes, he did get the memo.



Initech brings in a pair of so-called "efficiency experts", the Bobs, to bring costs down. This is a benign way of saying they're going to can as many people as they want, and Peter and his coworkers aren't exactly thrilled by their doom-impending presence. By this point, Peter is just going through the motions of his life. His relationship is souring, he hates his job, and he's generally unhappy. I know, I know, this is a comedy? Don't worry, eventually we get to the part where they bust out with "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta". But not quite yet, so hang in there.

The cast of characters is pretty ripe for the downsize picking, featuring cartoonish over the top caricatures of coworkers. There's Milton, originally of the Saturday Night Live sketch on which the film was based, who's forever blathering about his red stapler and talking to himself in a generally irritating manner. There's the super multi-syllabic Indian tech worker Samir Nagheennanajar. In case you were wondering, that's pronounced just like it's spelled. We also have Michael Bolton, a pencil pusher with the unfortunate luck to share a moniker with the easy-listening pop star. It's certainly a motley crew here at Initech.

Peter's girlfriend makes him visit a hypnotherapist in an effort to get him to relax. The therapist suffers a fatal heart attack while in the midst of hypnotizing Peter to the point of total relaxation, leaving Peter with a permanent glaze of a relaxed attitude. Seeking to follow his dream to do nothing, he simply decides that he will from then on ignore his unfaithful girlfriend, ignores Lumbergh's long-winded pleas for weekend overtime, and generally takes a lax attitude to work. He also entertains the possibility of a romance with Joanna (Jennifer Aniston) based on his impressions of her from his Tchotchke's dining experience. That place is like the bastard love child of TGIFridays and Chili's, but with far better regulated uniform flair.

Alright, you've been patient. You've waited long enough. You ready for it? Here's Michael in the "Damn it Feels Good to Be a Gangsta" montage. Oh, and you know, warning for coarse language and all that.



The Bobs, with their twisted logic, recognize Peter's newfound laziness as the free-thinking spirit characteristic of management and in their finite wisdom grant him a promotion. Meanwhile, his more hardworking pals Michael Bolton and Samir are given the axe.



Samir, Michael, and Peter hatch a crazy revenge plot against Initech. They plan to infect the computers with a vicious virus that will glean tiny amounts of money into a separate personal bank account. It's revenge of the nerds, tech industry style. They also enact a smaller, more personal revenge on one of their office nemeses: the temperamental printer that tortured them with phantom paper jam messages. This scene has since become an iconic bit of Office Space nostalgia, with many making their own parodies.

ofiice space printer destruction
Uploaded by blue-screen. -

There's a glitch in their plan and they accidentally end up stealing way more money way faster than planned, a blip sure to register on Initech's management radar. Peter begins to feel guilty, particularly after some goading from the flairful Joanna. He returns the money to the office in travelers checks, complete with a signed letter accepting the blame. He's ready to accept the consequences and face the strong arm of the law when things take a turn.

Turns out bumbling coworker Milton made good on his repeated grumblings to burn the place down, and Peter and friends watch on as Initech goes up in flames.



In the end, everyone gets a little bit of what they want. Peter finds a construction job more suited to his lifestyle, Samir and Michael find jobs at a rival tech company, and Milton whoops it up across the border using the travelers' checks left by Peter. All in all, not a bad deal.

The movie isn't meant to be a real, it's meant to be a fantasy. While the depiction of office life is at times uncanny, the revenge storyline is a manifestation of what all of us office drone dream of on our worst job-hating days. We may not be able to take the Xerox machine out back for a little go 'round with the ol' baseball bat, but at least we can pop in the DVD and watch Samir, Michael, and Peter do it for us.

Evolution of the Cell Phone Throughout the 80s and 90s

How badly do you want this set of Russian doll-style cell phones created by Karl Bean? Image via geekygadgets.com

These days you feel off kilter and uneasy if your phone is out of your reach for five minutes, but years ago cell phone technology was a flashy trend accessible only to the super rich and Zach Morris. 20 years ago, no one could foresee that even the homeless would be yapping away on cellular telephones, not to mention the growing number of elementary school students who tote personal phones in their backpacks. In an age where we feel a constant need to be plugged in, it's difficult to remember a time when we wouldn't think to tell the whole world of our mundane hourly activities in 140 characters or less. I almost can't believe that I survived an entire decade without knowing via Facebook that my ex-neighbor's daughter-in-law was vacuuming her apartment . A scary thought, indeed.

In the days before communication technology played a major role in our everyday activities, the cell phone was nothing short of a modern marvel. The idea that someone could whip a fully functional phone out of their pockets (or for earlier models, giant carrier bags) was astounding. Let's take a brief trip back through time to an age where simple technology could still delight and amaze the consuming masses:



Motorola DynaTAC 8000X (1983)


While we did see car phones before the 80s, we'd never seen anything quite like this. This was portable enough to be carried around, at least by 1983 standards. Unlike car phones, the DynaTAC series could connect without the intervention of an operator. Oh, and did I mention it cost $3995? In 1983 dollars. That's something upward of $8000 when adjusted for today's inflation. Needless to say, these were not within the reach of most consumers.



Nokia Mobira Talkman (1984)


Even under ideal care and conditions, the more portable DynaTAC could only eke out about 60 minutes of talk time. It was flashy and interesting, yes, but practical, no. On the plus side,these unwieldy battery packs on the Talkman models could allow for extended cell phone life. On the minus, you had to carry a giant battery around with you.

Motorola MicroTAC 9800X (1989)

This phone was widely revered for its small and light construction, boasting "pocket size" proportions. It even featured a revolutionary flip mouthpiece, which of course made it look infinitely cooler than the Zach Morris model. On the low end, no-frills versions of the MicroTAC sold for around $2500, still falling short of the release of a reasonably priced cellular telephone.



Pagers/Beepers

Yes, I admit, it's not really a cell phone. The pager, however, was a stepping stone into regular consumer ownership of phone-related devices. While cell phones were still pretty pricey for the general public, pagers became a sensible means of getting a hold of someone while they were out. For example, the babysitter could alert the parents of their child's incessant projectile vomiting, and the parents could rush to a nearby payphone to offer cleanup tips. It was a handy way to keep track of people, and far cheaper than a full-fledged phone.

As the affordability of cell phones rose, pagers were once again relegated to use by businesspeople and doctors. It almost makes me shed a tear to think that a generation from now, no one will think Daria's Quinn Morgendorfer's line, "Mom! I'm not my sister's beeper!" is funny. It is, by the way, hilarious.


First Cell Phone TV Commercial (1989)



That 80s music! The lack of voice-over! The cheesy montage quality! This commercial had it all. Well, all by the standards of horribly corny 80s commercials. I do kind of like when that guy tries to call his way out of the sheep traffic jam on the road. Classic.



Radio Shack Cell Phone TV Commercial (1990)



Just take a look at that battery pack! I mean, really. Doesn't this seem like somewhat of a step backward toward Talkman territory? Didn't they already have a few phones without enormous battery packs? Why do I need to carry the equivalent of a lumberjack's hearty lunchbox just to make a call on my boat? I assume cost and battery life had something to do with it, but that thing is an eyesore.

Motorola International 3200 (1992)
The first to utilize GSM (Global Systems for Mobile Communications) technology, this is the first of the cell phone dinosaurs that would actually still work on today's network. It also had an LCD screen, though you certainly couldn't do much with it.

First Person-to-Person Text Message (1993)

This nugget of information is included solely to bask in the memory of a time before text messages and the inevitable carpel tunnel developed thereafter. Back then, the idea of composing the equivalent of an entire letter via cell phone was unfathomable. Despite the available technology, it would still be several years before texting took off in a big way.


IBM Simon (1994)

IBM and BellSouth teamed up to produce the first market-viable SmartPhone, released in 1994 as the IBM Simon. The Simon had, alongside its regular cell phone capability, the power to send and receive faxes, a pager function, and the features of a PDA. It even came with games and had a touch screen. How progressive is that? At $899 it still wasn't a bargain, but it was slighty more within the range of access for ordinary consumers.



Motorola StarTAC (1996)

Our first flip phone, or as they are more adorably known, the clamshell model. It was extremely compact for the time, and the design looks pretty close to that of a basic flip phone today*. Magazine ads even featured a punch-out picture version of it to illustrate its real size, which was pretty well-received as far as marketing strategies go. On the other hand, this baby still cost you a grand, so you might have just stuck with faking it with your magazine cutout version.

Nokia 5110(1998)

One of the most popular models of the time, this phone was everywhere. Even Scully from the X-Files used it, and I certainly trust her taste in communication technology. This was the first phone I owned, rewarded to me upon receipt of my driver's license, and I certainly treasured it. I lavished it in gifts like jeweled buttons and electric pink faceplates, and let me tell you, I know my 5110 appreciated it.

The 5110 was also the first phone to have the game Snake, which entertained me through a serious bulk of my high school classes and study halls. Seriously, I rocked at Snake. This was also the first phone to feature interchangeable faceplates, meaning you could alter the design and make it look, in many cases, ridiculous.



Nokia 8810 (1998)

Our good friends at Nokia had a novel idea: why not fold up the external antenna and stick it inside the phone? The resultant 8810 with internal antenna was extremely popular, and looked pretty futuristic for its time. Just take my word for it.



Nokia 7110(1999)

Alright, finally we're getting somewhere connectivity-wise! The 7110 was the first to include WAP (Wireless Application Protocol) technology, meaning it had pretty limited access to some online material and capabilities. Plus, they modeled the sliding bottom after the phone in the Matrix. All you needed were a pair of sunglasses and a simulated reality environment and you could be just like Neo.

Nokia 3210 (1999)

Internal antenna? Compose your own ringtones? Switchable faceplates? And the first with T9? Where do I sign up?

My brain is now specially wired (or perhaps in this case, wirelessly capable) to know all of the distinct nuances of T9 without even looking at my phone. Predictive text was a new and exciting concept that meant you didn't have to press every damn button 4 times to get the letter you want, one at time. Well done, Nokia.



All of these phones are a far cry from today's ultra sleek, ultra capable phones, but at the time they were greeted with great enthusiasm. We never knew quite what they'd come up with next. Nowadays, it's hard to imagine how much further technology will go. I can't fathom what more they can do with it, but I'm sure they'll think of something. Catch up with me in 20 years when I'm chatting on my sandwich phone and we'll talk.



*Not that anyone except me still has an archaic phone like that, but still