Celebrity Deathmatch

If you were ever looking for a show that was simultaneously enticing and repugnant, here it is. Parents hated this show, meaning as kids it was our antagonistic duty to like it regardless of its nausea-inducing violence. It could be sharp and witty, yes, but more often that sharpness led to puncture wounds. Very, very bloody ones.

In the days before MTV poured their limited resources into the Guidoful Jersey Shore, they had a few satirical animated shows in their lineup. Amongst these shows, Celebrity Deathmatch was undoubtedly the sickest and most twisted. The 90s were a pioneering time for adult-targeted cartoons. In a time before animated program blocks like Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, it was still a relatively novel concept to develop an animated program that was at best completely unsuitable for children.



Of course, Celebrity Deathmatch was not just animated. It was claymated, which has been scientifically proven to be the most nightmare-causing form of animation. Granted, this conclusive analysis is from my own research as a sleepless eight year old scared silly by a Gumby cartoon, but I stand behind my contention. Claymation is inherently disturbing, second only to Tim Burton-style stop-motion animation. It just leaves you with a bad aftertaste.

The show poked fun at both individual celebrities and the ridiculousness of professional wrestling, all in a convenient 30-minute format. As the name clearly states, the program showcased satirical fight-to-the-death matches between popular celebrities. Each episode usually featured three separate deathmatches, most of which culminated in the gruesome, bloody death of one of the participants. What, that doesn't sound like a comedy to you?

Whenever I saw the show as a kid I always had a distinct uneasy feeling that this was something I was not supposed to be watching. It was excessively violent, used crude humor, and was generally unsettling. It was certainly not meant for child audiences, as it usually aired in the later evening lineup. There were, however, occasional daytime repeats that led to my unending pondering of such deep questions as "Who would win in a fight for their life? Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera?" The question haunts me to this day. I don't think I ever caught the ending.

A short version of the show premiered in the late 90s on MTV's Cartoon Sushi, featuring a deathmatch between Marilyn Manson and Charles Manson. The concept was revived for the 1998 MTV Super Bowl Halftime show, featuring pressing real-life questions such as "Who is a more annoying band--Hanson or Spice Girls?"

Hanson vs. The Spice Girls. - kewego
The brothers Hanson take on The Spice Girls for the title of "Most annoying band in the world!", also featuring Marylin Manson.

Parole chiave:girls manson celebrity deathmatch celebrity marylin spice deathmatch hanson

Video de cdmfanman6

In this warped reality, a deranged Marilyn Manson (is there any other kind?) cut the light rigging off the ceiling and wiped out both bands in one fell swoop. Tragedy or triumph? The quality of your music taste decides.


Following their Super Bowl appearance, Celebrity Deathmatch was soon picked up as a full series. The first full episode premiered in May of 1998 featuring the following 3 shorts:

Hilary Clinton vs. Monica Lewinsky


clinton_vs_lewinsky - MyVideo

It seems MTV used to be into topical political humor as opposed to simply scripting the dating of moms. This was a cheap and easy shot, of course, but it does get bonus points for referencing the Gennifer Flowers scandal as well.

Jim Carrey vs. Mariah Carey



I assume these two were judged fit opponents on the basis of their shared surname alone. As you can judge from the above video, the voices weren't always spot on but the show managed to capture the stars' most irritating mannerisms and tics. In the case of Jim Carrey, it didn't take much to expose these irritating mannerisms. The talking-through-the-butt gag is pretty straightforward. In a surprise twist, however, Mariah high-notes Jim to death. Didn't see that one coming.

Jerry Seinfeld vs. Tim Allen

Jerry Seinfeld vs. Tim Allen - kewego
Time for some ferocious funny buisness!

Keywords: tim seinfeld celebrity deathmatch celebrity allen jerry deathmatch

Video from cdmfanman6

Our premiere ended with a clash of the sitcom titans, pitting Jerry Seinfeld against Tim Allen. Neither of them shows an especially impressive command of deathmatch prowess, so the rest of the Seinfeld gang swoops in to finish the job. On Jerry, that is. Canceling the show obviously really got to these clay facsimiles of his costars.


The show was moderated by fictitious announcers Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond, whose deadpan commentary almost made these ridiculous scenarios seem plausible. You know, if they weren't claymation. Mills Lane reprised his real-life role as boxing referee in the show, shouting his signature "Let's Get it On!" at the outset of each show. Creator Eric Fogel and team worked to make the play-by-plays as realistic as possible, save for actual subject matter. Shows contained a pregame show, postgame shows, interviews, and even press conferences.

It's certainly not a show to be taken seriously, though I imagine many parent watchdog groups were quick to voice their discontent. The brutal, consequence-free violence wasn't exactly appropriate for young viewers, but then again neither is alleged "real life" professional wrestling. True, it probably hurts less to beam someone with a folding chair than a blowtorch, but the premise wasn't all that difference. At least in this version, we know it's fake. I don't know how figured it out, but the clay mation tipped me off.

By the way, if you were wondering who won in the Britney vs. Christina showdown, you're in luck. Here's your chance to find out. Spoiler alert: it was inconclusive. They got pretty tangled up there in the Ponytail of Death.

90s Fruit Snacks Craze

Here's a novel idea: take a vaguely berry-flavored candy, label it a fruit product, and market it to gullible parents who will delude themselves into believing it has a smidgen of fruit content. They could lull their guilty consciences into submission with self-reassurances that the products were labeled 100% natural. What? Corn syrup is natural. Well, corn is, at least. And I'm pretty sure you can locate that gelatin somewhere in an 100%, all natural horse hoof. Just turn left at the glue.

Heavily marketed at children during popular TV shows, these alleged "fruit" snacks became something of a lunchbox staple. It was a lot easier than cutting and tupperwaring real fruit. Plus, if we happened to lapse into nuclear fallout, these babies would assuredly survive. They're virtually indestructible, expiration-wise. I have yet to back up this conjecture with empirical evidence, but I hypothesize that if I found a Fruit Roll-Up from my childhood, it would probably taste just as fresh today as it would have in 1995. That's the magic of plastic for you.

While there were countless fruit snack options and shapes available, these were among the most coveted in the cafeteria:


Fruit String Thing

Fruit String Thing Ad
Uploaded by a90sfan. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

You really have to admire the vagueness of Betty Crocker's marketing department. Or at least the one that exists in this imaginary reformulation of their fruit snack christening process:

Executive 1: We've got this new product, see. It's a...thing. It resembles string.
Executive 2: Stop drilling, you've hit oil. Let's call it a day.
Executive 1: Do you think we should be more specific? What if people think it's made of real string?
Executive 2: Good point. Let's add the word "fruit" just to be on the safe side.

Fruit String Thing was a sort of bastard child of Fruit Roll-Ups and Twizzlers' Pull n' Peel. The taste wasn't particularly palatable, but its gimmickiness was just enough to make kids beg for it. I'm pretty sure I even convinced myself I liked the flavor, though really I just liked the unraveling aspect.


Gushers



First of all, that ad is terrifying. I couldn't sleep for weeks for fear I'd be zapped into a human-size semi-peeled banana. The image still haunts me. This near-banana experience, however, did not deter me from begging my parents to buy Costco-portioned cases of these liquid-filled fruit snacks. They just had a sort of pull over me. Maybe it was the hypnotically prismatic shape. Or, more likely, mind control serum in the mysterious filling. Whatever their tactic, it certainly was effective. They had us all convinced these were nothing short of a snack food revelation.

In retrospect, these are a bit troubling. What was that mysterious goo lining the interior of our beloved fruit snacks? It was sort of like a tart, tangy eyedropperful of fruit juice embedded within a fruity gel coating. By description alone these sound disgusting, so let me assure you that they absolutely are. I'm sorry, but I find something inherently disturbing about my food "gushing". I just don't feel comfortable using verb for my snack food that better describes the rush of blood from a wound. It's just not right.

To read the full Gushers post, click here



Fruit by the Foot



As an avid Fruit by the Foot and Bubble Tape fan, let me tell you: I like quantifiable, lengthy snack food. When I'm eating a cake or a pie, sure, it tastes good, but I feel a little empty without knowing precisely how it would measure up to a yardstick if unraveled. It just isn't quite the same.

For some reason, in the 90s it was totally acceptable to describe our snacks by their standard-measurement dimensions. The fact that it came with its accompanying joke and fun-fact printed wrapper was just a bonus. With found-in-nature flavors like tie-dye berry, how could you say no?



Fruit Roll Ups



Fruit Roll-Ups were launched in 1979 and enjoyed a heyday of popularity in the 80s and 90s. They were certainly mysterious in texture and content. The preservative-rich ingredient list was more than enough to befuddle our fragile young minds, particularly those amongst us who were in the lowest reading group.

Despite the questionable recipe, these things were a kids dream. They were sticky, they had punch-out shapes, you could put it over your face like a mask. Really, they thought of everything. Fruit Roll-Ups also stuck to themselves, so you could make a lumpy mound of gooey goodness and attempt to down in it a single gulp. Those were the good times.



Amazing Fruit



I'll be straight with you on this one. I was sold on commercial alone. Who could resist a gaggle of load-bearing gummy bears conga-ing to the maraca-shaking rhythms of the "It's Amazing Fruit!" chant? Who, I ask you?

It's never a good sign if while the voice-over announces natural ingredients, a fine-print caveat appears onscreen admitting they're actually made up of natural and artificial flavors. Which means, in short, there's pretty much no fruit in there. On the other hand, there are bears, so it's sort of a draw overall. I'm leaning toward bears, myself.


There's no reality-grounded explanation that can tell us exactly why we so loved these artificially flavored, plastic-scented fruit snacks. Even more perplexing is why our parents thought packing us chock full of concentrated sugar was a wise idea. Then again, this was the same generation of parents who sent us off to school toting Lunchables. Whether they were extraordinarily lazy or just not particularly health-conscious, I'm sure kids today are kicking themselves for not being born a decade earlier. They could have had String Thing.

90s Holiday Pop Albums

Seasons Greetings, children of the 90s. Welcome to the first of what's sure to be a many, many-part 90s Christmas post series sprinkled intermittently throughout this holiday season. Brace yourselves. It's going to be festive.

While driving to work this morning, the radio was blaring Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" and I came to the stunning realization that I know all of the words and musical nuances to this song. Now, I don't personally celebrate Christmas, but I do participate in another critical holiday tradition: shopping. Stores know that if they pipe Christmas music into the stores, we'll all get a bit glassy-eyed and nostalgic and our credit-dependent inner gift givers really come out to spend. Let me tell you, based on all the merrily decorated green and red shopping bags littering my apartment, this theory holds pretty true.

There are only so many holiday classics to play, though, and the pop music industry is quick to fill this void with auto-tuned covers and horribly corny new songs. Back in the days when people actually purchased tapes or CDs at their local music emporium, Christmas CDs were a sort of cop-out way for artists to make a quick buck and eke out some allegedly new material for holiday season live performances. These days, it's more likely we'd be roasting chestnuts on an open fire while listening to a pirated mp3 version of our favorite Christmas tune.

In the 90s, though, it a pretty a lucrative enterprise, and many many pop music makers jumped on board the Christmas Album express to bring us this mixed bag of the good, the bad, and the horribly cheesy:


N*SYNC: Home for Christmas

A mishmash of original songs and traditional covers, N*SYNC's 1998 Christmas album gave us a syrupy dose of holiday time bubble gum pop. It was tough to pop this one in the boombox without suffering a serious toothache. They released the single "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays", garnering some moderate radio play. It's since become a standard in many mall stores' Christmas music rotations. I'm pretty sure I had this on a mixtape somewhere. It was catchy, plus the video features Gary Coleman as an elf. What's not to like?


N Sync - Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays (Official Music Video) - For more amazing video clips, click here


Spice Girls' Christmas Wrapping

The Spice Girls were wildly popular in the late 90s, meaning that even two enormously pregnant group members wasn't enough to stand in the way of production of this cover of The Waitresses' 1981 "Christmas Wrapping". Geri Halliwell had since departed the group, and between her absence and Mel B's and Victoria Beckham's respective pregnancies that left only Emma Bunton and Mel C on vocals. Still, it's kind of catchy. In a Spice Girls sort of way.





Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas

Released at the pinnacle of Carey's 90s fame, Merry Christmas quickly became one of the bestselling Christmas albums of the decade. Another compilation of original songs and covers, producers released several singles from the album. By far the most successful was "All I Want For Christmas is You", which even the sometimes-finicky New Yorker admitted was of the only new Christmas songs worthy of breaking into the traditional "holiday canon".

In typical diva fashion, Carey released several videos for her top single. To her credit, though, her song has the staying power that so many others did not. It remains amongst the most popular holiday cell phone ringtones, so don't be surprised it you still hear it playing in purses and pockets everywhere.





Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song

Most stores still shuffle this in their regular assortment of holiday songs as minor consolation to Members of the Tribe. Sandler's song appeared on Saturday Night Live and on his comedy album What the Hell Happened to Me? While subsequent performances have featured updated pop culture references in the lyrics, the original is still pretty funny. It served to remind those of us who don't celebrate Christmas that, hey, we may not get to delight in presents under the trimmed tree but we have many, many compadres in the show biz industry. The song taught young Jewish kids that they can claim Captain Kirk and Mr Spock alongside all three stooges as their brethren, so maybe it's not so bad after all.





Celine Dion: These are Special Times

These are Special Times remains one of the best-selling Christmas releases, selling over 15 million copies internationally. It's sort of an eclectic mix, with some traditional songs and others with...R Kelly? Really? Their duet "I'm Your Angel" charted at number one and remained there for weeks. The single went platinum, proving that pompous Canadians and legally troubled rappers can produce beautiful music together. I mean, it's no "Trapped in the Closet", but it'll do.





Hanson: Snowed in

Who better to count on in the mid 90s to give us some squeaky clean family-friendly fare than the Hanson brothers? They must have been doing something right, as their Christmas Album Snowed In went platinum. It was pop holiday music at its most innocent and least offensive.





New Kids on the Block: Merry, Merry Christmas

New Kids on the Block opened the floodgates to the boy band phenomenon of the 90s, and their 1989 Merry Merry Christmas was a prime example of their cheesy charm. With songs like "Funky, Funky Xmas", how could you lose? That one sounds like a guaranteed hit. My personal favorite is "This One's for the Children", which is corny even by NKotB standards.
New Kids On The Block - This One's For The Children
Free Videos at www.blastro.com

These may not all have been musical masterpieces, but did allow usually surly teenagers to delight in the holiday with the help of their favorite pop singers. The albums all get essentially a free pass on cheesiness because it's the holidays and we're supposed to be generous, kind, and forgiving. Which is a lucky thing, as many of these albums were completely and totally over-the-top cornball. They do have an uncanny way of putting you in the holiday spirit, so go ahead and revel in the only time of year where you can suspend your judgments and just enjoy it.