Holiday Gift Ideas for the 90s Child

We're gearing up for the holiday at Children of the 90s, which means it's that time of year when we all empty our pockets in the name of the spirit of the season. Something like that. That's what I've pieced together from TV commercials, at least. There seems to be some direct correlation between buying a diamond tennis bracelet and Jesus's crucifixion, though I've yet to determine exactly what that relationship is.

If you're still agonizing over those last-minute gifts, you're in luck: Children of the 90s is here to help. We've got heaps of nostalgia-tinted gift ideas to delight even the Scroogiest of grown 90s children. These gifts are sure to make the most dead-eyed pencil-pushing 20-something office drones hearken back to their happy childhoods.

Here are a few of this season's 90s offerings sure to light up their recipients' faces with a glow that for once does not come from their iPhone:


Beer Pogz

Yes, you heard right. Beer Pogz. Really, how 90s is that z-for-an-s-in-a-plural substitution? It just screams X-treme to the Max! in a uniquely 90s way. Our favorite childhood game is back with a distinctly adult-friendly twist: drinking. What a great way to combine two things that make us irrepressibly joyous: fond childhood memories and booze. And get this: it comes with a Keg Slammer. If you're not sold on this game yet, I'm not sure how to make it more enticing short of plastering the packaging with adorable newborn puppies and scrumptious chocolate cream pies.

Find Beer Pogz here


Nick Rewind DVDs


What better way to show a 90s child you care than by giving them the gift of retro Nickelodeon? From the network ruled children's programming in the 90s comes numerous DVD box sets from which to choose the perfect gift. Whether your giftee is more of a Secret World of Alex Mack type or an Adventures of Pete and Pete fanatic, this collection has a decent offering of our old favorites. You can even gift them these shows via iTunes, which features shows like Doug and Clarissa Explains it All.

Find Nick rewind DVDs here


Trivial Pursuit: 90s Edition

Have you ever wanted to appear impressively smart without the undue hassle of book learning and legitimate knowledge acquisition? Well, here's your chance! Finally, a Trivial Pursuit edition that asks us questions to which we actually have a prayer of knowing the answer. The cards are brimming with pop culture questions that are sure to have you filling your little multicolored pie in less than the standard three hours for the original version.

Find Trivial Pursuit: 90s Edition here


Customizable Nike Air Throwbacks


There were no cooler athletic shoes in the 90s than the original Nike Air sneakers. Through the wondrous world of technology, you can now customize your very own brand new pair of 90s-style Nikes with a rainbow of color and pattern options. This is the stuff childhood dreams are made of. If you'd taken me to my local foot locker as a kid and told me I had free reign in customizing my sneakers, I would probably have passed out from excitement.

Find customizable Nike Airs here


90s Retro Candy Gift Basket
Do you have some abhorrent allegedly well-meaning friend who constantly gifts you with low-carb cookbooks and exercise equipment? Here's your chance at payback. This is the ultimate 90s kid candy gift basket, containing old standards like Nerds Rope, Fun Dip, and Laffy Taffy. As one disgruntled Amazon customer laments in the reviews, the basket is sorely lacking in the Warheads department, though. The basket is listed under the "gourmet food" category, which I guess implies that Bubble Tape makes the foodie cut while Tearjerkers are for the masses.

Find the 90s Candy Gift Basket here


90s TV Show T-Shirts


Here's your chance to give an apt gift to a friend who loves to wear his 90s pride on his sleeve. I'll admit up front they're a bit of a rip-off at about twenty bucks a pop, but it's worth it to see a friend's smile when they unwrap their coveted Legends of the Hidden Temple Silver Monkeys team t-shirt. You just can't put a price on that sort of joy. Okay, actually, you can, and apparently it's been appraised at $20. Extra credit goes to any reader who buys that full Where's Waldo? costume.

Find 90s T-shirts here


Whatever: The 90s Pop Culture Box
If you've grown tired of collecting NOW! That's What I Call Music! CDs, maybe it's time to graduate to a full box set. Sure, this compilation leaves a bit to be desired, but it's certainly enough to give you a solid dose of 90s Music. It's a little tough to squeeze ten years worth of music onto a mere seven compact discs, but they did single out a decent selecton of popular genres.

Find the Whatever music box set here


New Bop-It

It may not be the original, but the new Bop It model isn't so far off from the repetitive and anxious game we grew up with. To its credit, it comes with a sleek white design and some updated features. The current version offers a "Shout It!" option, which is sure to irritate parents even more than the original. The Shout It! makes it seem a bit angrier than our more benign, subdued version, but it's probably worth a try. You can always turn that one off, anyway. This thing is undoubtedly just as addictive as the 90s prototype.

Find the new Bop-It here


Even if you've finished your holiday shopping, it's not too late to buy yourself a little 90s something. As you feverishly tear through the gift wrap to reveal that Double Dare t-shirt from "Santa" on Christmas morning, it'll all be worth it.

90s Kid-Friendly TV Program Blocks

Parents in the 90s must not have considered the potentially detrimental effects of parking their kids in front of the TV for four or five straight hours. How else can you explain the endless list of hours-long program blocks marketed at TV-hungry kids in the 90s? Children's TV was shaping up to be the ultimate babysitter, seamlessly filling in every possible day and time slot during which kids might be loitering around the house. After all, why go outside and play with our Huffy bikes and Skip-Its when we could just experience it vicariously through the commercials? Those kids were always way more enthusiastic than we could ever be, anyway.

For a decade of children far less dependent on technology than today's kids, we sure watched a lot of TV. We can only imagine the future of children's programming as parents' growing anxiousness to keep their children satiated and entertained continues to grow. In our childhood years, though, we were content watching a few hours at a time and luxuriating in the laziness. It still had that delightful aura of the forbidden. Our parents may have tried their best to limit our TV hours, but at the end of the day (or the case of some of these blocks, the beginning) it was a lot easier to just let the mind-numbing glow of passive entertainment wash over us. It's like those parents who load up their grocery carts with organic kale and banana chips for their kids, but eventually cave to nuking some chicken nuggets. It may not be the right choice, but it's an easy one. As we grow into adults, we can certainly appreciate their laziness.


ABC's TGIF



TGIF reigned supreme when it came to Friday night kid's TV. Originally conceived in the late 80s as the "Friday Night Fun Club", ABC's kid-friendly block morphed into TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Funny. The original lineup included Perfect Strangers, Full House, Mr. Belvedere, and Just the Ten of US. A lot of pretty terrible short-lived shows cycled through TGIF over the years, but they were able to mask it with some solid favorites like Boy Meets World, Step by Step, Family Matters, and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. For every miscalculated move like Teen Angel, there always seemed to be a Dinosaurs waiting in the wings.



SNICK



SNICk was a brilliant marketing tool, as it mainly catered to the then-unclaimed tween demographic. The key to capturing the interest of 8-12 year olds is treating them like teenagers. I don't mean in a current Limited Too miniskirts and go-go boots way. This was thankfully far subtler. Nickelodeon shows with teenage characters and market them at tweens, a demographic that at times is likely to act too cool for kid's shows. SNICK premiered in 1992 featuring Clarissa Explains It All, Ren and Stimpy, Roundhouse, and Are You Afraid of the Dark? Though the lineup changed frequently throughout the years, Nick was pretty masterful at holding our fleeting attention spans. They threw in some goodies like The Secret World of Alex Mack and All That and we were hooked.



Nick in the Afternoon



Another wise and undoubtedly calculated move on the part of Nickelodeon, the network aimed to capture the at-home idling demographic of kids in the summertime. They installed a popsicle stick host with the hours-deliberating-in-the-Nick-boardroom moniker Stick Stickly. It was a great means of getting more mileage out of their reruns, packaging the block as a chance for kids to request their favorite classic episodes. For Nick, this meant they didn't have to come up with anything other than a popsicle stick and some googly eyes. Not too shabby.



The Disney Afternoon



There's no doubt Disney is great at hawking its animated goods to kids. The Disney Afternoon block was no exception, featuring endless variations of their always popular characters. The block premiered in 1990 with Adventures of the Gummi Bears, DuckTales, Chip n' Dale Rescue Rangers, and TaleSpin. Later shows included Darkwing Duck, Goof Troop, and the far-inferior Disney's Doug. The shows aired in the after-school hours, a perfect means of entertaining the growing number of latchkey kids left to fend for themselves with nothing but the remote control and a tube of Pringles.



FOX Kids



FOX Kids was a formidable franchise, despite the fact that it rarely aired the same shows two years in a row. Though the block opened in 1990 with animated shows like Bobby's World and the game show Fun House, the lineup changed regularly throughout its 12-year run. That's not to say there was no quality programming: FOX Kids played classics like Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Animaniacs, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Goosebumps. My favorite, though, was always the magazine. For some as-of-yet unexplained reason, this block of children's TV shows warranted its own publication. Sometimes we got it free with Pizza Hut orders, others it came in the mail, but whatever route it took to my mailbox the glorified promo was inexplicably awesome.



Nick Junior



Let me just say, that Face mascot is actually pretty creepy. What is that thing? Why is it so happy all the time? I liked it as a kid, but as an adult it's almost disturbingly cheerful. Maybe I just haven't had enough coffee yet to deal with this sort of unnerving smileyness, but it definitely is weirding me out.

Nick Junior was marketed at a younger set, namely kids under the age of 5. I'll admit, though, on elementary school sick days there was nothing quite like curling up with some Blue's Clues and Gullah Gullah Island. I wasn't going to shout it from the rooftops or anything, but I sincerely enjoyed shows like Eureka's Castle, Muppet Babies, and David the Knome. Whew. Feels good to finally get that one off my chest.


Teen NBC (TNBC)



Turns out Saturday mornings weren't just for cartoons: apparently older kids could get in on the action too with these delightfully cheesy teen sitcoms. With shows like Saved by the Bell and California Dreams, they could definitely hold our attention while padding the rest of the block with total fluff. That, of course, hinges on the notion that the aforementioned TNBC shows had any substance. I'll leave that one up to you.


Nick at Nite



Nick at Nite may not have been just for kids, but it was a means of enjoying some good ol' fashioned cross-generational TV. Kids and parents could watch old favorites together, delighting in shows like I Love Lucy, The Brady Bunch and Mister Ed. It introduced a new generation of kids to a lineup of classic shows. The Nick@Nite model has wavered a bit over the years, though, now broadcasting old 90s reruns in lieu of black and white oldies. When did we become so retro? It's rumored they may even add Friends to their lineup in the next couple of years. If the thought of kids viewing Friends the way you saw Bewitched doesn't make you feel the tiniest bit old, I don't know what will.


Overall, the programming blocks were a happy compromise. Kids liked the notion that they were getting away with watching an ungodly amount of TV, while parents liked the fact that the shows were at best marginally educational and at the least, appropriate. We may have lost countless of potentially active hours glued to our screens, but it's given us wonderful life preparation for our hours spent in front of our desk's computers. Thanks, SNICK!

Children of the 90s Mix Tape Travel Playlist: Road Trip Sing-Along

Disclaimer: This playlist give you full license to judge me relentlessly. I don't claim any of this to be quality music. Quite the contrary. That's what makes it so fun to sing along to.


Bon voyage, children of the 90s. Your faithful 90s servant is about to embark on a vacation, but I can't leave my faithful readers in a lurch. I leave you with my personal (and incredibly embarrassing) road trip playlist. These infectious songs are more than enough to entertain you on a long journey--your singing and boy band-esque dance moves in the car will probably keep neighboring drivers entertained as well.

Without further ado, my personal picks for road trip sing-along playlist:


When the Lights Go Out (5ive)



This band spells their name with a number. How clever is that? Whatever they're pushing, it's got to be good.


C'est La Vie (B*Witched)



Why don't we have more Irish dance breaks in songs today?


Never Ever (All Saints)



There's something just so inexplicably fun about singing along to that spoken part. It's just so long, and has such a poor rhyme scheme. How can you resist?


Spiderwebs (No Doubt)



Tragic Kingdom was the first CD I owned, so the songs on that album hold a special place in my heart. I always imagined that when I was a grown-up, I would leave the chorus of this on my answering machine as my outgoing message. It turns out the joke's on me: answering machines no longer exist. Tough break.


Jumper (Third Eye Blind)



I have a soft spot for Third Eye Blind. They played this song when I went to the concert in 8th grade, and again when I saw them last year. I enjoyed it just much. It's one of those songs with easy-to-learn lyrics that you can just belt out along to.


What I Got (Sublime)



Looking back, it's hard to believe I liked this song as a kid. I don't think I understood a word of it, I just like the beat. I think I also liked that he had a dalmatian. That was pretty much my grasp of it.


500 Miles (The Proclaimers)



A 90s one-hit wonder classic. You can try to harmonize along, attempt to impersonate their accents, or just contemplate the meaning of the verb "to haver". Whichever way, you win.


Wannabe (Spice Girls)



As far as Spice Girls go, no matter what you choose is pretty embarrassing. For me, it was between this and "Stop", to which my friends and I choreographed a full-length dance. It's too tough to perform this complicated dance in the car, though, so we'll go with "Wannabe". It'll make you really, really, really want a zig-a-zig-ah. Whatever that means.


Calculus (2ge+her)



The funniest part about this fake boy band is that when it comes down to it, 10 years later I'd rather have these guys on my playlist than most real boy bands. Touche, 2ge+her.


One Week (Barenaked Ladies)



These guys were huge in the 90s, and as kids the band name could definitely summon a giggle or two. It's always fun to try to learn all the words to a song that goes really fast, it's a very satisfying feeling to get them all right. Or more likely, assume you got them all right. I've got a few questionable mumbled phrases in mine.


You Oughtta Know (Alanis Morisette)



I don't care if you're going through a breakup or not, this song is one of the most fun to sing along to. It's just so angry. It also might be about Uncle Joey, which makes it that much more ridiculous. I want to know the theater this alleged action happened in so I can make a note to never, never go there. It's bad enough to watch Uncle Joey do those god-awful woodchuck impressions, I don't want to have to consider him in these compromising positions, too.


Always Be My Baby (Mariah Carey)



This one is just catchy, plain and simple. Mariah's been at it for years, and she's still got it. And who can hate on that part that goes "do do do dum?" Those are the best ingredients for a quality sing-along.


Inside Out (Eve 6)



This song is pretty dark now that I can make a little more sense of the words, but back in the day I loved singing to it. I didn't really consider the repercussions of putting my tender heart in a blender and watching it spin around to a beautiful oblivion. I just liked the beat. Eve 6 is following me on Twitter, which makes me feel like a champ, too.


Who Will Save Your Soul? (Jewel)



I have a feeling a lot of you will disagree with me on this one, but this is one of those guilty pleasures. I'm still not totally sure what some of the words are, but that won't stop me from singing what I think them to be at the top of my lungs.


Walkin' on the Sun (Smashmouth)



I love how in this video the newscaster introduces them as "Rock n' roll's Smashmouth!" I don't quite see these guys as representative of rock n' roll, but you have to admit they're about as 90s as you can get.


Ants Marching (Dave Matthews)



How can that intro not make you feel just the tiniest upbeat? It's just a happy-sounding song.


MmmBop (Hanson)



You know, I think I can feel you judging me. I was in maybe 6th grade when this came out, and I instantly fell in love with Zach Hanson. Mostly I think I was just jealous that his hair was prettier than mine, but I liked the song either way.


Tubthumping (Chumbawumba)



What exactly is tubthumping? And for that matter, a chumbawumba? This is a sort of (okay, really) terrible song, but it's just so catchy.


Summer Girls (LFO)


Speaking of pretty terrible songs. I still like it. I can't help it. It makes no sense, but it's just pure kitsch. Plus, one of the band members commented on my post on LFO, which I thought was pretty cool.



I Want You (Cherry Cola) (Savage Garden)



If I still have any male readers left by the time I got to this one, I'd be shocked. I know, I know. This is pretty bad. But they say ch-ch-cherry cola! It's fun!


Runaround (Blues Traveler)



This is another one of those songs that just has tons of words squeezed into it, so it's fun to imagine I know all of them. As a kid, I just really liked that part where he goes, "I like coffee and I like tea". I don't know why. As a kid, I didn't like either.


Steal My Sunshine (Len)



Oh, come on. You know you listened to this one, too. The final choice was either this or Vitamin C's graduation song, so you should be thankful I spared you that one.


Alright, I think that's enough humiliation for this week. Have a great weekend, children of the 90s! I swear if you put this on your iTunes and take it to the gym or in your car, you won't regret it. Just don't turn it up too high or roll your windows down. That would just be embarrassing.