Encino Man

What are you supposed to do if you're not popular, the girl you like doesn't know you exist, and your best friend is an offbeat loser? Why, unearth a prehistoric man and pass him off as your cool foreign exchange student, of course. I can't even imagine there are any other solutions to this problem. It's pretty much live-in caveman buddy or bust.

1992's Encino Man passes off this storyline like it's a completely valid way to make friends and/or influence high school people. Yes, sometimes in movies we have to suspend our disbelief, but Encino Man plays it like this premise makes perfect sense. It's one thing to concede that a rozen movie caveman can be reanimated, but on another level entirely to believe that the discovery of this caveman will lead to instant high school popularity. There are just so many points that don't add up. Why couldn't Dave just be a hero for discovering the caveman? Why did he have to cover it up? Why would having a non-English speaking exchange student make you the coolest kid in school? My mind is still reeling over that one.



I adored this movie as a kid, but after watching it as an adult I'm just in awe of how little effort the filmmakers seem to be putting forth. It's like even they know it's crap. I understand it's a low budget film, but there are a lot of scenes where it feels like they're not even trying. Never mind that the research they conducted on cavemen seems to be a little lax. It's like they were trying to stage a scene, going around the room and asking for the crew members to shout out examples of things cavemen do, and then having Brendan Fraser act out those things. "Make cave drawings!" "Start a fire with two sticks!" "Okay, great, that's enough suggestions, everyone. We're just going to have him do those two things repeatedly. I know we could probably look up cavemen in the encyclopedia and see if they have any other traits, but our film budget doesn't cover the cost of the "C" volume and I don't have a library card."

Encino Man was also the film debut of the much-maligned Pauly Shore, who at the time was hosting his own MTV show Totally Pauly. Shore's brand of comedy is at best confusing and at worst grating on par with nails on a chalkboard. He has a one-note schtick involving using strange inflection and unusual variations of words, offering up such questionable colloquial gems as "buff chillage" and "fresh nugs". Don't try to think about it too hard, you'll just get a headache. As kids, not all of us were aware of how universally annoying Shore was and regrettably took up his speech patterns for awhile. Thankfully, our foray into Shore-esque chillage usually only lasted for a few weeks and then it was out of our collective systems.

The movie stars Sean Astin and Pauly Shore as a pair of geeky high schoolers in Encino, California. Dave (Astin) desperately wants to be cool, but can't seem to figure it out. In an attempt to raise his social stock, Dave decides he's going to dig a pool. Again, a perfectly logical leap. I'm sure he's totally capable of installing a full-size swimming pool despite his lack of knowledge of local zoning laws or tiling procedures. It's pretty clear this was the only set-up they could think of for the kids to find their caveman without any adults finding out about it. But I digress. Dave and Stoney (Shore) discover a cavemen buried in a block of ice and conveniently leave it on a heater. I wonder what will happen next?

Of course, Stoney and Dave come back to find melted ice and the caveman tearing up their house and painting primitive animals on everything. They give him a mini-makeover and suddenly he's their best buddy Link. Get it? Evolutionary humor is so witty. Anyway, Dave somehow manages to convince his parents that this is the exchange student they never agreed to hosting, Linkovitch Chomofsky of Estonia. I guess hosting ol' Linkovitch is nothing compared to having to deal with Stoney every night:



Miraculously, their plan works and all of their classmates think Link is incredibly cool. We never really find out why, though we're supposed to believe it has to do with his rockin' style and prehistoric good looks. All the girls go crazy for that, clearly:



Dave is trying to hook up with Robyn, and there's a whole romantic storyline that makes about as much sense as the rest of it. Robyn's unquestionably evil boyfriend Matt is displeased at the situation, but somewhere along the way Robin ends up asking Link to prom. There are a bunch of little scuffles at this point, culminating in Matt's vowed vengeance on Link and Dave. Matt tracks down some photos of Dave and Stoney posing with Link in his original caveman form and is determined to tell the school what a freak he is. Um, a few things here. First, why did they take pictures of themselves with Link as a caveman and just leave them strewn about haphazardly? Second, wouldn't Link's freakiness come second to the news that he's, well, a caveman?

We all learn the valuable lesson of Be Yourself, and Stoney, Dave, and Link are the coolest guys at the prom. How could they not be, with dance moves like these?



Robyn and Dave work it out and begin their fledgling romance at Dave's after-prom party. At the party, they discover Link's prehistoric girlfriend bathing in the bathtub, effectively closing our story with many questions. Where did she come from? How did she get unfrozen? Who taught her how to turn on the hot water and employ the necessary nudity-cover bubble bath?

It's best not to ponder these questions too much. Encino Man is supposed to be fun, and that's what it is. It never pretends to be deep or layered. It doesn't even pretend to be good. It's just the simple tale of a boy and his popularity-bolstering caveman, and that's all there is to it.

The 80s' and 90s' Oldest High Schoolers: Giving New Meaning to the Term "Senior"

When I get confused on a daily basis for a high school student, I don't let it faze me. Instead, I simply remind myself that I am probably younger than the average actor who plays a high school student in the movies or on TV. People think high schoolers look like 25 year olds because 25 year olds populate most of the high school roles: it's as simple as that. In contemporary shows like Glee, some of the actors playing the students (namely Cory Monteith and Mark Saling, both 27) are only four years younger than the actor playing their teacher (Matthew Morrison, 31). It's no wonder our perceptions are skewed; in Hollywood, it seems, one truly can stay 16 forever.

The problem with a movie franchise featuring a high-school age lead character is simple: that actor is going to age a lot faster than you can churn out those movies. So while the "...To be continued" might allegedly pick up the day after the original action, in reality the actors are a few years older. It's the same problem they're bound to have with those Twilight films. Unless Robert Pattinson really is a vampire and thus immortal (and based on his skin tone, I wouldn't automatically rule it out), he's probably going to stop looking 17 at some point.

The practice of casting 20-something actors as teens is a fairly common one. After all, it's far easier to deal with adult than a minor when casting actors. On the other hand, there's only so far you can push the age range and still reside comfortably in believable territory. Maybe some of you had 30-year old classmates in high school, but in my experience most of these actors would have garnered some questionable looks from their alleged peers if they showed up at the homecoming game.

The 80s and 90s had a lot of gross offenders, but the group listed here is among the most grievous:



Alan Ruck as Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off


Cameron's age: 18
Ruck's age when the movie was released in 1986: 29

I'm not much of a math person, but even I can figure this one out pretty easily. Alan Ruck was born in 1956, making him practically the same age as my parents. I was born in 1985, and I'm pretty sure my parents weren't high school seniors at the time. It just doesn't add up.

It's not whether or not we can appreciate his performance in Ferris Bueller; personally, I thought he was great. It's more that he was twice the age of some real-life high school students while playing one himself. To be fair, Matthew Broderick was in his 20s when he filmed the movies, but Mia Sara (Sloane) was actually 19. When you've got an actress 10 years younger than you giving you life advice onscreen as your peer, we've got a slight problem.



Gabrielle Carteris as Andrea Zuckerman on Beverly Hills, 90210


Andrea's age at the outset of 90210: 17
Carteris's age at the outset of 90210 in 1990: 29

It's one thing to play a part 10-plus years your junior for a one-time gig, but it's another entirely to commit to a long-running project under these pretenses. Carteris was 29 when she started on 90210, meaning that by the time of her departure in the fifth season she was probably old enough to have a high school son or daughter of her own. She was only 6 years younger than James Eckhouse, the actor who played Brenda and Brandon's dad. Then again, on a show where character's willfully name their children cutesily matchy names like Brenda and Brandon, perhaps hiring a 29 year old actor isn't your biggest problem.



Shannon Elizabeth as Nadia in American Pie


Nadia's age in American Pie: 18
Elizabeth's age when American Pie was released in 1999: 26

Thank goodness for Shannon Elizabeth's terrible fake European accent or else her age would have been the least believable aspect of her character in American Pie. Actually, I should take that back. Her boobs probably win that prize.



Michael J Fox as Marty McFly in Back to the Future III


Marty's age: 17
Fox's age when the movie was released in 1990: 29

Here's another case of an actor aging out of their original character in a franchise while preserving the illusion that they haven't changed a bit. In a movie that defines time travel so laxly, you'd think they could have written in a few extra years of life for Marty in between installments, but they all just kept picking up where the last one left off. I always liked this one better than Part II, though, so maybe I was a tad more willing to suspend my disbelief.



Meredith Monroe as Andie McPhee on Dawson's Creek


Andies's age when she first appeared on Dawson's Creek: 15
Monroe's age when he first appeared on Dawson's Creek in 1998: 30

Dawson's Creek made Monroe's extreme age discrepancy from her character a bit more stomachable by casting Kerr Smith as Andie's fraternal twin, Jack. Smith was no fresh-faced kid himself, debuting on the show at age 26. I'm not sure if any of you have ever seen a high school sophomore, but I'll give you a hint: they look much closer to 12 than 30. Of course, they are much closer to 12 than 30, but that's really beside the point.

To her credit, Monroe did have a pretty youthful appearance, but when she appeared in the series finale at age 36 the show may muddled its credibility. Suddenly, storylines like Pacey hooking up with a teacher don't seem so scandalous. It would probably been equally troubling if he'd just gotten together with one of his senior castmates.



Judd Nelson as John Bender in The Breakfast Club


John's age in The Breakfast Club: 18
Nelson's age when The Breakfast Club came out in 1986: 25

25 is still young compared to some of the others rounding out this list, but both Molly Ringwald and Anthony Michael Hall were actually high school-aged when The Breakfast Club premiered in 1986. I'll concede that co-stars Emilio Estevez and Ally Sheedy were both 22, but still. Either you cast a bunch of teenagers or you cast a bunch of 20-somethings, but mixing the two only highlights the differences in age.



Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase on Buffy the Vampire Slayer


Cordelia's age when Buffy premiered: 16
Carpenter's age when Buffy premiered: 27

Carpenter had originally intended to audition for the show's title role and Sarah Michelle Gellar for the role of Cordelia, but the two got switched somewhere along the audition process. I don't care what they dressed her in: there was no way this girl would ever pass for 16. She might not even have gotten carded at the club. Carpenter is, however, gorgeous, which means many viewers were in it more for the eye candy than the believability.



Stacey Dash as Dionne Davenport in Clueless


Dionne's age in Clueless: 16
Dash's age when Clueless came out in 1995: 29

When I first saw the movie, I'd never have guessed that Dash was almost 11 years older than her costar Alicia Silverstone. Actually, if you've seen any recent photos of Stacey Dash, it's pretty obvious she's still got it. Dash went on to reprise her role for the Clueless TV show, continuing to play her high-school aged character well into her 30s. Aside from posing for Playboy in 2006, Dash's career probably peaked in her postmature high school days, so it's for the best she milked her perceived youth for as long as humanly possible.


Most of us would balk at the offer to experience high school all over again, but some of these actors have made pretty lucrative careers out of living their adult lives in reverse. It just goes to show that there doesn't need to be such a thing as aging gracefully. Who would pick that option when you could choose not to age at all?

90s Sequels that Outperformed the Originals

Once you've got a bona fide blockbuster on your hands, it can be tough to ignore the glistening temptation of franchising. Provided most of your original cast is willing to come back for a second round, a sequel can seem like the next logical step in milking a successful movie. You've already got your concept, your characters, and your proven success; things are poised to proceed regardless of whether or not you can maintain the quality of the original. Then again, in some cases, the original wasn't all that great, so you have little chance to disappoint critics at your second go. It's a win-win all the way.

Moviegoers clearly don't listen to enough Public Enemy, or else we'd know better than to believe the movie industry's self-promoting hype. Studios often generate so much hype over a sequel that it far outperforms its predecessor. The original may have been a hit, but the built-up anticipation for a follow up bolsters the initial fan base. Movie patrons are ravenous for the next installment of their favorite movie, and movie makers are equally voracious for their money.

Whether they were a one-note success or translated well into serial, all of these movies have a common bond: they brought in far more money than the initial film. It just goes to show that when faced with a decision of movies, we're far more likely to stick with what's familiar.



Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery domestic gross: $53,883,989
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me domestic gross: $206,040,086



When your original movie ends happily with the romantic leads ensconced in wedded bliss, there's really only one way to move the story forward: blow up the bride. At least that seemed to be the Austin Powers' strategy, killing off Elizabeth Hurley in a the first few minutes of the movie to make room for younger, blonder starlet Heather Graham. The Austin Powers series parodied 60s spy movies, featuring Mike Myers in multiple roles as Austin Powers, Dr. Evil, and the less-appealing Fat Bastard.

The first movie was fairly well-received, and certainly boasted a meatier plot than its sequel. The Spy Who Shagged Me focuses on Powers' lost mojo and spends a lot of time cashing in on signature jokes from the first movie. It wasn't brilliant, but it was still amusing enough to hold our attention. Considering some of Mike Myers' more recent projects (The Love Guru, anyone?), this sequel is looking better all the time.



Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Terminator domestic gross: $38,371,200
Terminator 2 domestic gross: $204,843,345



Terminator 2 taught us a valuable lesson about sequels: they can be just as great as the original, if you're willing to blow a hundred million on production and effects. At the time of its release, Terminator 2 was the most expensive movie ever made. The expenditures must have paid off, though, as the movie was a huge financial and critical success. The movie is pure action, giving us thrilling chases and exciting explosions, though it does bring out a bit more heart than the first. Terminator 2 performed outstandingly well at the box office, but we've come to expect nothing less of James Cameron. That guy knows how to bring it.



Toy Story 2

Toy Story domestic gross: $191,796,233
Toy Story 2 domestic gross: $245,823,397



Toy Story wowed audiences everywhere with its innovative computer animation, so it's no wonder the movie left us eager for more. So eager, in fact, that a third installment of the series is scheduled for release in June 2010. We can only hope it lives up to the solid sequel, a movie that claims the rare honor of an 100% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes boasting 130 positive reviews. Not bad, Pixar. That tidbit would almost be enough for me to relinquish my lighthearted vendetta against you for making me cry so profusely at the beginning of Up. It really fogged up my 3-D glasses.



Mission Impossible II

Mission Impossible domestic gross: $180,981,886
Mission Impossible II domestic gross: $215,409,889



With music that exciting, how can you resist lining up to screen the next installment. It's really got a way of pumping that adrenaline to a point that we can ignore the facts that the plot doesn't make all that much sense. It didn't in the first movie, either, so we're pretty prepared for that sort of a turn of events. The plot is way too complex for me to summarize in 100 words or less, but suffice it to say the action and excitement far outweighs the significance of any plot point. MI:II seemed more at ease with sacrificing character development to suspenseful action. It doesn't have to pretend to be nuanced and complicated. It just needs to get the blood flowing.



Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls


Ace Ventura: Pet Detective domestic gross: $72,217,396
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls domestic gross: $108,360,063



Toilet humor in the title is not usually a promising way to start a movie, but in this case it's just emblematic of the filmmakers knowing their juvenile audiences. Just like the original, the movie is completely ridiculous, with plot and character always falling secondary to jokes. It doesn't matter much when kids are your target demographic: we'd have watched almost anything. For our accompanying adult guardians, it was probably pretty painful, but we cracked up the whole way through.



Highlander II: The Quickening

Highlander domestic gross: $5,900,000
Highlander II: domestic gross: $15,556,340


Watch Roger Ebert call it one of the worst movies of all time...

I'll be straight with you here: I've never seen Highlander, nor have I seen its follow-up Highlander II: The Quickening. I just really love that title. It's so shamelessly cliche. "The Quickening". I like that. The film was universally panned by critics, but it did far outperform Highlander.



Die Hard 2

Die Hard domestic gross: $83,008,852
Die Hard 2 domestic gross: $117,540,947



Titlewise, this just can't compare to Highlander: The Quickening, though the Die Hard franchise picks it up in later installments with flashy names like Die Hard with a Vengeance. Actually, I just learned that movie posters advertised the sequel as Die Hard 2: Die Harder, which is actually pretty awesome. When Bruce Willis's character muses, "How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?" he's not kidding. It's pretty similar, but the action makes up for it. It wouldn't be my first pick for a moving piece of cinema, but it's got all the makings of a solid summer blockbuster.



Lethal Weapon II

Lethal Weapon domestic gross: $65,207,127
Lethal Weapon II domestic gross: $147,253,986



Hearken back to a simpler time, when Mel Gibson wasn't taking on lofty religious film projects, begrudging the Jews, and coining the colloquialism "Sugar Tits". Back in the 90s, Mel Gibson was still known as something of a movie star hunk. Whatever the reason, he certainly put butts in the seats. Lethal Weapon II had all of the action of the original, with exciting fast-paced scenes and gratuitous violence. It even got a little political, condemning South African apartheid. It wasn't exactly a documentary on inequities in South African society, but it was a nice touch.


Churning out a sequel may be a formulaic path to success, but these movies have proven they can make it work. While the third and fourth installments in some of these series may have wavered a bit in quality, most of these (with the obvious exception of Highlander II: The Quickening) managed to capture most of the magic of the original. So keep your fingers crossed, children of the 90s, for the forthcoming Toy Story 3. Despite what many of the above franchises may suggest with their declining third films, hopefully in this case the third time is indeed a charm.