Blossom

Today, on a Very Special posting on Children of the 90s: Sex! Drugs! Drinking! Puberty! School Violence! If it's an issue you don't feel comfortable discussing with your adolescent child, have no fear. We'll do the heavy lifting for you! Simply listen for your cue (a deep, all-business voice intoning, "On a Very Special..."), turn on the tube, and let the TV do its responsible parental heart-to-heart magic.

Teen TV in the 80s and 90s was frequently preoccupied with addressing heavy moral issues. The shows would suck you in with their teenspeak and lighthearted humor (and in the case of Blossom, enviable headwear), and then pull a quick switcheroo into explications on ethical adolescent behavior. One day we'd be empathizing with a character's case of acne or bad hair day, and the next we'd be tricked into learning a Very Special valuable lesson about the consequences of our decisions.

In this Very Special Episode, Six gets completely wasted

Blossom was a pioneer in the burdgeoning field of Very Special Episoding. NBC would promise us that a forthcoming Blossom episode was one our families "could not afford to miss." Yes, that's right. In terms of familial moral currency, NBC billed Blossom as the most valuable moral stock available. In accordance with traditional after-school special norms, we watched as Blossom and friends battled a slew of ethical dilemmas. Unlike some of the cautionary tale after-school movies, Blossom and Co. usually emerged morally victorious, making the right decisions and resetting their moral odometers to squeaky clean.



Mayim Bialik starred as Blossom Russo, a quirky, perky teenager with a penchant for flower-adorned floppy hats. Her mother essentially backs out of her role in the family, leaving her ex-husband Nick to fend for Blossom and her older brothers Joey (a dim-witted jock) and Tony (a recovering addict). With a premise like that, things could have gotten very heavy very quickly in the series, but writers were smart enough to keep it pretty light at the outset. Rather than focusing on the hardships facing a family torn apart by circumstances, the show centered more on the day-to-day lives of Blossom, her family, and her friends.

Oh, and also sex, lies, and teenagers. Catchy title, huh?

The show quickly segued into more controversial topics, giving Blossom an edgier feel than many of its sappy 90s sitcom counterparts. In today's entertainment marketplace it would be considered pretty tame, but in the 90s the show was touted for its tackling of tough issues in a realistic way. Blossom's world was mostly pretty family-friendly, but every so often they veered into PG-13 territory. While some of us would groan at the announcement of yet another Very Special Blossom, parents often took the hint that the upcoming episode might not be suitable for their younger children. Like I said, Blossom was a bit ahead of its time. It had parental rating indicators way before the networks mandated the caveat.

Speaking to the cast, Bialik played a great "everygirl". Young girls related to her because she was ordinary, though they wouldn't have wanted to be related to her; that would spoil their chances with hunky brother Joey. I had a fairly serious crush on Joey (Joey Lawrence) back in my Blossom-watching days. Every time he uttered his signature "Whoa" my heart fluttered just a bit. Jenna von Oy co-starred as Blossom's best friend and quick-talking confidant Six. Yep, Six. Didn't you hear? The good people at Blossom decided it was a name.

To be honest, Six is likely to blame for a generation of children growing up talking at a speed totally incomprehensible to anyone over the age of 30. We all embody her legacy very time one of our grandparents says, "Can you repeat that honey? You're talking too fast." Curse you, Six. You've muddled my chances at ever becoming an adequate public speaker.

Older brother Tony (Michael Stoyanov) played out a role uncommon to most glossed over 90s sitcoms, portraying the life of a struggling addict in recovery. Most teen-centric sitcoms would have an episode or two where kids were tempted by alcohol or drugs (and to be fair, so did Blossom) but at the end of the day none of the major players ever seemed to know any actual perpetual users. While Tony's role certainly could have been darker, the show didn't sugarcoat the breadth of his daily struggles. You've got to give Blossom some credit for shedding light on a widespread issue once largely absent from network shows.

In addition to a well-rounded regular cast, Blossom brought in more than its fair share of impressive guest stars. The show boasted cameo appearances from celebrities like Hugh Hefner, Will Smith, and Mr. T. Even ALF came along for the ride, appearing in a bizarre crossover episode. Even though he was just a puppet, he was still a pretty big name in TV back then.

Check out Alf around the 8 minute mark

Blossom had edge but it wasn't groundbreaking. It didn't try to deny that sometimes teenagers act like teenagers and not like their counterparts in most sitcoms. The show let the kids make their mistakes, deal with the consequences, and live to tell about it. Plus, they got to wear awesome hats while doing it. What's not to like?

The Way They Were: Celebrity Couples of the 90s

Time after time, Hollywood manages to fool us with its glittering golden couples. Every time a couple of favorite stars get together, we're all convinced they live a charmed shared life. They always appear so poised, so together, so happy. Plus, they're rich beyond our wildest lottery-winning fantasies. Their enviable lives extend beyond the bounds of relatability. It just seems further proof that celebrities are indeed special on a level us ordinary folks can never attain.

Just as suddenly as their perfect romances begin, though, many of our favorite celebrities quickly plummet back down to human status. On one level, it makes the rest of us feel a tad better about our own problem-addled lives. These people may be rich, beautiful, and famous, but hey, they've got issues, too. On another, though, it crushes our misguided illusion that any of us can achieve perfection. If these people can't manage it, how will the rest of us normals fare?

It's understandable that maintaining a romantic relationship under the glaring minutiae-dissecting public spotlight is a challenge. We're all watching their every moves, praying for a shred of evidence that their lives are a bit more like our own than we'd initially considered. When their relationships do fail, however, we feel somewhat let down. It's a sort of catch 22: they're damned to suffer our scorn whether they make it or not.

The 90s was a time ripe with celebrity couplings, though many of the pairs didn't cross the finish line into this decade. While they may have seemed nearly untouchable in those days, it's tough today to make sense of some of these match-ups. Whether you loved them, hated them, or just didn't get it, you have to admit that these couples enjoyed more than their share of fanfare and publicity in their heyday.


Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman


I'm not sure if you can think back this far, but try your best to remember a time when Tom Cruise wasn't just a infamous couch-jumper plagued by reputation-defaming rumors. Back in the 80s and 90s, Cruise was one of the most successful and coveted movie stars in Hollywood. Cruise and Kidman were married 10 years, which seems like a lifetime with respect to the span of most celebrity relationships. There was much speculation over the reason for their split, with reporters hinting at scandal. While Cruise has since remarried to Katie Holmes, he has yet to shake those pesky speculations on his character. The couch jumping and misguided Matt Lauer name-calling hasn't helped much, either.



Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder


If I were to engineer a quintessentially 90s couple, I doubt I could come up with anything quite as representative as these two. Examine a photo or two in their days as a happy couple and they just ooze 90s from their every pixel. It was hard not to root for them after watching their doomed romance bloom in Edward Scissorhands. After their split, they went on to further respective high-profile romances: Ryder with Matt Damon and Depp with Kate Moss, both of which relationships have since run their course. Still, it's gotta hurt that Depp altered his "Winona Forever" tattoo to read "Wino Forever". It's tough to think you could be so easily replaced by a full-bodied chardonnay.



Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez


Yeah, I said it. Puff Daddy. That was we called him back then. They had a certain charm, with him in his all-white get-ups and her in her scandalous double-stick tape supported Versace Grammy dress. If nothing else, we certainly liked them better than J Lo and Ben Affleck. As long as a Hollywood couple doesn't put us through a Gigli, they're alright in my book.



Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe


I'd really thought these kids were gonna make it. The story of their courtship seemed so cute and Hollywood storybook, we just didn't want to believe things were less than perfect with our favorite Cruel Intentions co-stars. They got married, had 2 kids, and everything seemed to be going swimmingly until they announced their decision to divorce in 2006. I'd prefer to remember them as they were, with Reese making that weird deformed devil face in the carwith Ryan in Cruel Intentions.



Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake


Talk about your golden teen couple. These two seemed so in love, we were willing to overlook the fact that they were cohabiting in the midst of their allegedly chaste relationship. It might be tough now to remember Britney as an innocent virginal pop starlet, but once upon a time we were all under the spell cast by her talented publicists. We even considered tolerating their God-awful matching denim outfits if they could just make it. Unfortunately, some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how much foreshadowing we thought we'd seen on the Mickey Mouse Club.



Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow


It's easy to forget that before there was even Brad and Jen, there was Brad and Gwen. Brad has long been a part of the Hollywood "it" couple, though he's cycled through a few female counterparts over the years. We once fell in love with Brad and Gwynnie, though we've since been convinced to fall in love with Brad and Jen and eventually the less-rhyming but more annoying hybrid classification Brangelina.



Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman


This one had all of us scratching our heads. They both seemed to bask in the attention of the public eye, Carmen for her Baywatch physique and Rodman more for his odd appearance and outlandish fashion choices than his prowess on the basketball court. The two were wed in Vegas, though the marriage was annulled less than two weeks later. The reason? Why, intoxication during the wedding vows, of course. It's probably a common tale for Vegas, but not quite so widespread an excuse in celebrity couplings.



Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee


These two got hitched after knowing each other for just a few days, characterizing the carefree (and some might argue, careless) nature of their relationship. Their infamous honeymoon sex tape went into wide circulation after it was stolen from their house, but the couple took it in stride. Considering the two weren't exactly known for their wholesome image, it all played out pretty well. They not only won over a million in the lawsuit, but they made a killing on video sales. Well played, Anderson and Lee.



Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley


There have been all sorts of speculations on Jackson and Presley's short-lived marriage, most claiming that it was a sham. Presley still vehemently denies the charge, though that footage of the two of them kissing at the VMAs still raises some eyebrows. Like most of Jackson's personal life, the details remain shrouded in secrecy, leading the public and the press to jump to all sorts of conclusions. We may never know the true nature of their relationship. I'm torn on it. I read that heartfelt note Presley wrote upon learning of Jackson's 2009 death, and she seemed to have genuine affection for him. I watch that kiss again, though, and it's a little iffy.



Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger


At this point, it's tough to look past the tarnished image of this now-bitter relationship and remember how we revered this couple upon their public debut. Back then, though, we were blissfully unaware of a looming custody battle and eventual reputation-dinging leaked voicemails from Baldwin to his daughter Ireland. The former spouses now occasionally make contact through their publicists to fling angry and bitter accusations, so I would venture things did not end so well for these two.



Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey


This one still hurts my heart just a little. I know, I know, it's not like I knew these two personally. After Newlyweds, though, I really thought they were going to be in love forever. Yes, it's naive, but he was so sweet when she made silly mistakes like confusing chicken and tuna based on the name of a popular canned-fish brand. I've always liked Jessica Simpson, so I feel for her that she never quite seemed to rebound in terms of fame and image. I'll try to think of her as she was, believing buffalo had wings and charming MTV audiences everywhere.



Their relationships may not have stood the test of time, but for a brief moment these couples represented to us the ideal partnerships. We may just have to settle for remembering them as they were, before bitter divorces or circumstances drove them apart. As they say, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. If you can't, well, then it seems you're at least in pretty good Hollywood company.

Encino Man

What are you supposed to do if you're not popular, the girl you like doesn't know you exist, and your best friend is an offbeat loser? Why, unearth a prehistoric man and pass him off as your cool foreign exchange student, of course. I can't even imagine there are any other solutions to this problem. It's pretty much live-in caveman buddy or bust.

1992's Encino Man passes off this storyline like it's a completely valid way to make friends and/or influence high school people. Yes, sometimes in movies we have to suspend our disbelief, but Encino Man plays it like this premise makes perfect sense. It's one thing to concede that a rozen movie caveman can be reanimated, but on another level entirely to believe that the discovery of this caveman will lead to instant high school popularity. There are just so many points that don't add up. Why couldn't Dave just be a hero for discovering the caveman? Why did he have to cover it up? Why would having a non-English speaking exchange student make you the coolest kid in school? My mind is still reeling over that one.



I adored this movie as a kid, but after watching it as an adult I'm just in awe of how little effort the filmmakers seem to be putting forth. It's like even they know it's crap. I understand it's a low budget film, but there are a lot of scenes where it feels like they're not even trying. Never mind that the research they conducted on cavemen seems to be a little lax. It's like they were trying to stage a scene, going around the room and asking for the crew members to shout out examples of things cavemen do, and then having Brendan Fraser act out those things. "Make cave drawings!" "Start a fire with two sticks!" "Okay, great, that's enough suggestions, everyone. We're just going to have him do those two things repeatedly. I know we could probably look up cavemen in the encyclopedia and see if they have any other traits, but our film budget doesn't cover the cost of the "C" volume and I don't have a library card."

Encino Man was also the film debut of the much-maligned Pauly Shore, who at the time was hosting his own MTV show Totally Pauly. Shore's brand of comedy is at best confusing and at worst grating on par with nails on a chalkboard. He has a one-note schtick involving using strange inflection and unusual variations of words, offering up such questionable colloquial gems as "buff chillage" and "fresh nugs". Don't try to think about it too hard, you'll just get a headache. As kids, not all of us were aware of how universally annoying Shore was and regrettably took up his speech patterns for awhile. Thankfully, our foray into Shore-esque chillage usually only lasted for a few weeks and then it was out of our collective systems.

The movie stars Sean Astin and Pauly Shore as a pair of geeky high schoolers in Encino, California. Dave (Astin) desperately wants to be cool, but can't seem to figure it out. In an attempt to raise his social stock, Dave decides he's going to dig a pool. Again, a perfectly logical leap. I'm sure he's totally capable of installing a full-size swimming pool despite his lack of knowledge of local zoning laws or tiling procedures. It's pretty clear this was the only set-up they could think of for the kids to find their caveman without any adults finding out about it. But I digress. Dave and Stoney (Shore) discover a cavemen buried in a block of ice and conveniently leave it on a heater. I wonder what will happen next?

Of course, Stoney and Dave come back to find melted ice and the caveman tearing up their house and painting primitive animals on everything. They give him a mini-makeover and suddenly he's their best buddy Link. Get it? Evolutionary humor is so witty. Anyway, Dave somehow manages to convince his parents that this is the exchange student they never agreed to hosting, Linkovitch Chomofsky of Estonia. I guess hosting ol' Linkovitch is nothing compared to having to deal with Stoney every night:



Miraculously, their plan works and all of their classmates think Link is incredibly cool. We never really find out why, though we're supposed to believe it has to do with his rockin' style and prehistoric good looks. All the girls go crazy for that, clearly:



Dave is trying to hook up with Robyn, and there's a whole romantic storyline that makes about as much sense as the rest of it. Robyn's unquestionably evil boyfriend Matt is displeased at the situation, but somewhere along the way Robin ends up asking Link to prom. There are a bunch of little scuffles at this point, culminating in Matt's vowed vengeance on Link and Dave. Matt tracks down some photos of Dave and Stoney posing with Link in his original caveman form and is determined to tell the school what a freak he is. Um, a few things here. First, why did they take pictures of themselves with Link as a caveman and just leave them strewn about haphazardly? Second, wouldn't Link's freakiness come second to the news that he's, well, a caveman?

We all learn the valuable lesson of Be Yourself, and Stoney, Dave, and Link are the coolest guys at the prom. How could they not be, with dance moves like these?



Robyn and Dave work it out and begin their fledgling romance at Dave's after-prom party. At the party, they discover Link's prehistoric girlfriend bathing in the bathtub, effectively closing our story with many questions. Where did she come from? How did she get unfrozen? Who taught her how to turn on the hot water and employ the necessary nudity-cover bubble bath?

It's best not to ponder these questions too much. Encino Man is supposed to be fun, and that's what it is. It never pretends to be deep or layered. It doesn't even pretend to be good. It's just the simple tale of a boy and his popularity-bolstering caveman, and that's all there is to it.