Our Favorite 80s and 90s TV Puppet Pals

If there's one thing we've learned from TV, it's that everything is cuter when a puppet does it. It's a fail-safe formula. A person performs a hackneyed visual gag and we all groan in agony, but an adorable puppet does it and we fall for it hook, line, and stinker.*

It's no mystery that children love puppets, but TV in the 80s and 90s proved that adults have a pretty solid puppet-loving capacity all their own. Puppets often make the best punchlines, giving them an automatic boost in likability in both kids' and grown-up television programming. Plus, they never need a stunt double or act like a diva when it comes to contract renewal. Talk about cutting expenses.

Puppet-studded programs may not be the most highbrow fare on TV, but they have a unique style of entertaining us. They allow us to suspend our disbelief to a point where if we can believe this talking toy exists somewhere in real life, maybe all of the magical features that come along with it are possible, too. These 80s and 90s shows didn't need to be realistic or to feature deeply developed characters; we were perfectly content with our cartoonish, overdrawn cliches. So long as they kept feeding us hilarious puppet gag antics, we were more than happy to partake in spoonful after heaping spoonful.


Eureeka's Castle


Eureeka's Castle was a Nick Jr. gem, giving us a quirky, offbeat world of wizardry and goofy characters. The show revolved around sorceress trainee Eureeka, thickheaded dragon Magellan, peanut butter sandwich-gobbling twins Bogge and Quagmire, the visually impaired Batley, and the vaguely ethnic pushcart proprietor Mr. Knack. The characters were creative and imaginative in a way that bodes well for children's programming. It may not have been highly educational, but it did teach me to fear claymation Slurms. Those things were weird.


Lambchop's Play-Along



If there's one thing kids love more than puppets, it's baby puppets. Have you ever seen a more adorable little sheeplet? When I grew up, I was horrified to find that "Lambchop" referred to a cut of meat. Slicing into it for the first time was pretty traumatic, though luckily there was no stuffing inside. That might have scarred me for life. As a device to distract myself from the lambchop chopping task at knife, I just hummed a few bars of "This is the Song that Never Ends." That seemed to do the trick.


Mystery Science Theater 3000



I think our buddy Joel at MST3K had the right idea. If you're stuck orbiting the earth sequestered on a spacecraft forced by the powers that be to watch n endless stream of B-movies, you should definitely use the spare theater equipment to build yourself some sentient robot pals. You should, of course, name them Gypsy, Cambot, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo. There are pretty much no other options.


Sesame Street



For many of us, this was our first major exposure to puppetry. Or, equally likely, our first exposure to platonic male puppet roommates who share a cookie crumb-ridden bed and know an awful lot about each other's bathtime habits and carrier pigeon preferences. Either way, most of us fell for the cuddly Sesame Street characters, and hard. I mean, a monster who lives in a garbage can? Where do they come up with this stuff?


ALF


Alf Sings "Old Time Rock and Roll" - Click here for the most popular videos

Just when you thought noses couldn't get any more phallic looking than Joe Camel's, you met Alf. And then, you knew. This was the be-all-end-all of vaguely suggestive schnozes. ALF stood for "Alien Life Form", which is how we kindly earth-folk classify floppy-looking brown masses who grew up on the Lower East Side of the planet Melmac. ALF definitely had his moments, but his appearance is just a little unsettling. It just feels inappropriate.


Dinosaurs



If after watching this show you cried out endlessly, "I'm the baby! Gotta love me!" I'm sure your parents were less than pleased with their decision to grant viewership privileges. The show wasn't really directed at kids; it was more of a family sitcom that happened to feature full-size puppet characters. By the time we'd realized this, though, we'd already moved on to gleefully smacking our fathers on their heads with a frying pan while screaming, "Not the mama! Not the mama!"


Muppets Tonight



There have been so many incarnations of The Muppets over the years it's become difficult to differentiate between one series and another, but for the sake of 90s nostalgia we'll single out Muppets Tonight for brief examination. The show hinged pretty heavily on celebrity guest appearances and wasn't especially a standout in the long line of Muppet shows. I must say, though, the Baywatch parodies were worth a chuckle or two.


Fraggle Rock



That is some seriously rockin' theme music. I probably haven't seen this intro since 1992, yet somehow I find myself singing along with a surprisingly adept command of the lyrics. It's catchy, right? It's got that sparkly puppet charm sprinkled liberally throughout. Well done, Jim Henson studios. Well done, indeed.

Fraggle Rock managed to slip in a bunch of heavy issues while we were busy enjoying the musical numbers and highly colorful wardrobe selection. Some of us also spent a fair amount of time giggling over the fact that there was a Fraggle named Boober. I mean, Boober! Can you beat that?


Cousin Skeeter



Who knew a marionette could be such a bad-ass? It probably speaks volumes about my level of maturity that the theme song's phrase, "Skeeter's what I want" amuses me in a slangy double-entendre kind of way. I don't think I've advanced much in behavioral age since the days this show originally aired.


Unhappily Ever After


This show gave many of us an unquenchable desire to own a crass, wise-cracking stuffed rabbit. Mr. Floppy was just so adorable. His looks were, anyway. His personality could probably have used a bit of a tune-up to align with his cherubic appearance, but it all just contributed to his puppety charm.


Weinerville



If you had to pick the most terrifying mode of puppet, I'd say human-head-on-tiny-puppet-body would fall pretty darn close to the top of the list. Weinerville was a Nickelodeon cartoon/live-action variety show based on the comedic stylings of Marc Weiner. The characters were undeniably creative, but they still seem a little creepy to me. Add cross-dressing to the giant head/tiny puppet body mix and be prepared for the wrath of Weinerville.


Whatever the reason, puppets had a hold on us. Maybe we just don't watch enough Nick Jr. anymore, but the proportion of puppets in prime-time programming seems to have persistently plummeted. It's too bad, really. A lot of today's shows could probably use a good puppet boost. Just think: if this weekend's Oscars had used puppet presenters, we'd have been far more likely to push through to the bitter end. Just a thought.




*This is not a typo, it's just a terrible, terrible play on words. Had I been a puppet, you would have been all over that one

Some of the 90s' Most Ridiculous Song Lyrics

It's never a good sign when you can listen to your 2Ge+her boy band parody CD and find its lyrics only marginally distinguishable from its real-life counterparts. Popular music is generally more about entertainment than quality control, but sometimes a song slips onto the charts without passing even the most basic standards of industry. Even the most lenient of genres has got to have its limits.

Apparently these limits aren't particularly stringent, or else none of these songs would ever have been written, produced, recorded, and issued a heavily promoted wide release. It's somewhat troubling to think that dozens of people worked tirelessly for the release of these songs, directing questionable music videos and lobbying for increased radio play. For some reason or other, the natural music selection never phased out these ridiculous songs and they went on to become not only very famous but also highly lucrative. If only I could come up with a good song about a certain style of undergarment or a particular spoke on the color wheel, I'd be set for life. If only I'd thought of it first.


LFO Summer Girls



Luckily, this song was released a time when many guys did indeed seek out girls who favored Abercrombie and Fitch, so it was all in all pretty good timing. This song deserves some type of award for most non-sequitors dropped in the shortest period of time, if only such an award existed. "Summer Girls" utilized every cheap rhyming trick in the book, even writing some new ones on its own with some completely irrelevant but meter-consistent lines.

LFO gave us gems like, "There was a good man named Paul Revere/I feel much better baby when you're near" and "Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speakin'/Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton." It didn't make sense, but if you're good-looking in a classically generic boy band sort of way, you've pretty much got it made. If Rich had ever come up to me in real life and ventured, "Hey, my name is Rich. You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch" I probably would've just gone along with it.


Sir Mix-a-Lot: Baby Got Back



The fact that this song was standard fare at junior high dances and bar mitzvah parties is pretty troubling in itself. We all thought it pretty cool to sing along, shouting out, "My anaconda DON'T WANT NONE unless you GOT BUNS HON! You can do side bends or sit-ups! But please don't lose that butt." I can only imagine what the adults chaperoning along the periphery must've thought. I never really considered the lyrics all that ponderously. I actually sort of preferred the Bill Nye parody version ("Bill's Got Boat" but Sure-Floats-A-Lot), so I think that brands me too nerdy to have been negatively influenced from exposure to this song.



5ive: Baby When The Lights Go Out



Let's lay it all out here: if your group spells its name with a numeric 5, our expectations for the quality of your music will be at best underwhelming. It's just not a great first impression, and certainly not an indicator of substantial musical credentials. My favorite part about this video has got to be that it takes place in a bowling alley. If that's not a seductive setting, I don't know what is. I was sold from their first spoken line, "Yeah, I like that/You know what I mean/You're lookin' kinda fly tonight/What's up, check it!" Pure poetry.


Aqua: Barbie Girl


We always thought it sort of scandalous that in the song, Barbie sang coyly, "Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky." That was only after we looked up "hanky panky" in the dictionary. True story.

This song almost defies commentary, it's just that ridiculous. It's catchy in a generic bubble gum pop way, but the lyrics are completely and utterly ridiculous. Let's just blame it on the fact that English probably wasn't Aqua's first language and move on.


Sisqo: The Thong Song


Did anyone else find the phrase "dumps like a truck" to be just slightly problematic? We're already singing about that general bodily geographic region, so it seems dangerous territory to venture phrases that could possibly be referring to defecation. I'm just saying, it's possibly a poor word choice. "Dumps like a truck"? Really, Sisqo?

This song was huge, and for a brief moment in time Sisqo was the hottest rapper on the charts. The entire song revolves around the examination and study of thong panties. In case you forgot what he was talking about halfway through, he conveniently repeats the words ad infinitum: "That thong thong thong thong thong." Oh, right. That.


No Authority: Can I Get Your Number (A Girl Like You)


I was almost positive this song was a figment of my youthful imagination until recently I heard it playing Muzak style in a restaurant. I'm not totally sure how this was chosen as one of the carefully preselected and focus group-tested songs in circulation for background music. My best guess is that all the focus group participants had a pretty strong sense of humor.

This one is beyond ridiculous. "Can I get your number baby? Hit me with the seven digits!" Or, my personal favorite, "I've seen blondes, and brunettes, and some really hot redheads, but I've never seen a girl like you (seen a girl like you)". It always leaves me wondering just what color hair this chick had if she didn't fall into the above categories. I'd say purple, but you just cant be sure about these kinds of things.


Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby



You've got to give the guy some credit where credit is due. He does, as he claims, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Be careful, though, you might end up killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom. It's all good: if there's a problem, YO! he'll solve it. I'm feeling better already. Even about that potentially hazardous poisonous mushroom situation. Thanks, Vanilla!


Backstreet Boys: Everybody



Some songs go just a smidgen over the top with the audience participation segments, and "Everybody" is no exception. Large stretches of it exist solely for the purpose of our offering our assent via a hearty "Yeaaahh--eahhhh". What we're agreeing to is more or less unimportant. Is he original? Sure! Is he the only one? Why not? Is he sexxxxxuuuual? You get the idea.


Baha Men: Who Let The Dogs Out



You know it's a tough question when we have to punctuate it with a staccato repetition of our leading question room. It's not good enough to simply ask "Who let the dogs out?" No, instead, we've got to back it up with a heartfelt "Who? Who? Who?" It also helps if you divide all of the words into indistinguishable syllables. Case in point "Get-back-you-flea-in-fest-ed-mon-grel." Genius.


Eiffel65: Blue (Da Ba Dee)



I like a song with a narrative as much as the next person, but there is such a thing as taking it too far. The "Listen up" lead-in is a solid attention getter, but they lose us somewhere between describing his little blue house and his blue Corvette. This song lacked meaning to such a point that we had to ascribe meaning to its erroneous "da-ba-di-da-ba-dis", insisting our pals in Eifel65 were really saying something like, "If I was green, I would die" or "I believe I am pie."


Right Said Fred: I'm Too Sexy



I'm all for trashy Europop, but even I have my limits of tolerance. I'm too sexy for my cat? That's just stepping over the line. I just can't take him seriously anymore when he's doing his little turn on the catwalk.


Britney Spears:Email My Heart



Sure, she was young and it wasn't released as a single, but some offenses are just inexcusable. There are some rules here, people. For future reference, here's a major one: if you're gonna record a soulful slow ballad, don't entitle it "Email My Heart." Really, that's all I ask.


Even with all of their glaring flaws, these artists must have done something right. We're still talking about them fifteen years down the road, so you can't deny their cultural impact. Even if their mark on society was writing a song exulting the derriere. We can't all be great lyricists. If this has taught us nothing else but sometimes, sometimes, we just want a song about butts.

Memorable 90s Oscar Moments

In honor of this weekend's forthcoming premier awards show, I thought we might pay some homage to memorable Oscar moments of 90s past. Feel free to wax poetic on your personal favorite Oscar incidences in the comments section. We've got a lot of ground to cover here, so let's jump right in:



Angelina Jolie Kisses her Brother



Yes, yes, I know this happened in 2000, but bear with me here. It was one of those moments that was so utterly appalling we just can't get it out of our minds, even 10 years down the road. Angelina's certainly come a long way from her bad goth-girl Girl, Interrupted days. In her current do-gooder philanthropist/ambassador state, she's almost unrecognizable as that chick who once made out with her brother at the year's biggest award show. Well, unless you watch the above video to remind you.



Billy Crystal Montages


Oscar Intro 1997 Billy Crystal
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Who doesn't love a good cheesy introductory Oscar montage? As a kid, I thought these things were pretty hilarious, and I'm only partially embarrassed to admit I still find it pretty funny. At the time, it was a cutesy but entertaining idea: Billy Crystal inserts himself into various pieces of the Best Picture nominee films. We even get a crazy "UMA, OPRAH, OPRAH, UMA" cameo from Dave Letterman, but more on that later. All in all, not a bad intro. I've seen worse, believe me.



Christopher Reeve's 1996 Appearance


We give out a lot of standing ovations, but here's an example of an undeniably well-deserved one; it truly was an inspirational moment. Reeve urged Hollywood to further tackle difficult social issues and use their media as a means of exploring exploring them. They managed to keep his appearance a surprise up until the final moment, and his words moved many audience members to tears. All in all, a truly heartwarming moment.



James Cameron's "I'm the King of the World!" Speech



Cameron was clearly over the moon upon receiving his Best Director Academy Award, feeling the only reaction was to whoop and holler and quote a corny line from his wildly popular movie. Some people thought it to be overly boastful, but it seems more likely that he was just really, really excited. Whatever the reason, the clip was rebroadcast innumerable times; there's a reason we still remember it today. Who knows what he'll yelp if he takes one home for Avatar. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll just show up in a seven-foot tall blue costume, but there's only so much we can hope for.



Gwenyth Paltrow's Tearful Best Actress Speech



Paltrow took home an Oscar in 1998 for her work in Shakespeare in Love. Her work in the movie was certainly commendable, but her performance at the Oscars probably takes the cake. I'm not doubting that her tears were sincere, but good Lord were there a lot of them. Paltrow sobbed throughout her entire speech. Everyone seemed a little unsure of how to react to her ceaseless river of tears, but she eventually managed to wrap it up. I imagine they needed to do some serious stage mopping during that next commercial break.



Tom Hanks Accidentally Outs His Closeted Gay Teacher


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Tom Hanks was great in Philadelphia and his acceptance speech was certainly gracious. In a well-intentioned move, he thanked his high school drama teacher Mr. Farnsworth and one of his classmates, lauding them as great gay Americans. It was a kind move, but unbeknownst to Hanks, he inadvertently outed his still-closeted teacher. The story actually inspired the movie In & Out, but I can imagine Hanks felt more than a little apologetic about the very public snafu.



Uma, Oprah, Oprah, Uma



Speaking of awkward moments, this one definitely belongs toward the top of the list. Host David Letterman pulled out this bit in 1995, leading to years of speculation of some sort of feud with reigning talk show queen Oprah. Watching the clip, it seems the joke is about their unusual names, as Dave asks, "Have you met Keanu?" Still, it was not a super comfortable moment for anyone involved, including the audience.



Cuba Gooding Jr Wins Best Supporting Actor


Cuba Gooding Jr. Oscar Acceptance Speech
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It was tough not to be happy for this guy. He seemed so genuine, so likable in his role in Jerry Maguire that we just couldn't help but root for him. Gooding managed to come across the same way in his speech, though it did get a bit over the top with him yelling over the producers desperately trying to play him out with the requisite "get-off-the-stage" music. It was obviously a high point for him, though. Any of us who ever saw Boat Trip can definitely attest to this.



Michael Jackson Shows Up with Madonna



First of all, how awesome do Mary Hart and Pat O'Brien look in this clip? So 1991. At the time, the public was abuzz about Michael Jackson and Madonna's Oscar "date". It seemed more like a well-orchestrated publicity move; the two were both incredibly famous and were working on a duet together, so it may have seemed like a logical step. Madonna ditched Michael at the Spago after-party, though, to engage in some heavy petting with Warren Beatty. Ick. I didn't even make that up...that's exactly how People magazine described it.



Jack Palance Does Push-Ups


You know what? If I can do one-armed push-ups at age 73, you'd better bet I'd pull out that age-defying party trick in the most public arena available. Jack Palance accepted his Best Supporting Actor award with a series of one-handed pushups, leading Crystal to joke later in the broadcast that Palance had just bungee jumped off the Hollywood sign. After seeing his impressive show of athleticism, I wouldn't doubt it.



Matt and Ben win for Best Original Screenplay



How can you not find these guys just a little endearing? Their friendship and teamwork, their youth and enthusiasm, it was all more than enough to make us want to root for their inevitable Hollywood success. Plus, they gave Cuba Gooding Jr. a little shout-out for "showing [them] how to give an acceptance speech." Aww.



Marisa Tomei Wins for Best Actress


(My bad--I couldn't find an embeddable clip of her accepting the Oscar. Just enjoy the clip of her in the movie, instead. She's adorable.)

Talk about an underdog story. No one ever expected Tomei to actually win the award for which she had been nominated. Her performance as the sassy, brassy Italian girlfriend in My Cousin Vinny was undoubtedly commendable, but she was up against a group of far more experienced actresses in more serious roles. Tomei's win came as such a shock that it led to a series of speculation that presenter Jack Palance had actually read the wrong name and issued the award to her by mistake. Snopes declares this to be a myth; the Academy was allowed a sense of humor now and then.



We can't foresee what great and memorable moments will unfold at this year's ceremony, but there's always something. Who knows? It may even be as shocking as Tomei's Best Actress coup or as endlessly sobstruck as Paltrow's teary acceptance. We can only dream.