90s Tearjerker Movies

Sometimes, we all just need a good cry. Watching a great tearjerker is a bittersweet experience: the emotional release can be enjoyable, but the sadness lingers. I'm still not totally over the whole Bambi's-mom-getting-knocked-off-by-a-hunter thing. It haunts me still.

It's a testament to the quality and effectiveness of a movie when it has the power to make you reach for the Kleenex. Bonus points if it warrants a whole box. When a movie moves you to tears, it allows you to really let it all out. Plus, it's totally embarrassing if there are other people around. Some tips? I recommend pretending you have a bad cold or a loose contact lens. Practically foolproof.

Defining a solid tearjerker is tenuous territory. Plenty of movies have the power to move us, but only some give you that satisfying release of a much-needed cry. Some might be heavy contenders for tears on the basis of subject matter alone--for example, a well-executed war movies. This list, however, focuses more on the non-violent genre. Or, dare I say it, girlier movies. Okay, fine, chick flicks. But I threw in a few neutral picks as well, so, you know. You're welcome.

You're more than welcome to add your own favorite cry-a-minute picks to the list in the comment section. It can serve as a reliable reference for when the next cryfest urge hits. So, whether you consider yourself to be an emotional lightweight or possess tear ducts of unmovable steel, here are some movies likely to make you bawl like a little girl...whether or not you ever were one:



Titanic


If you're watching Titanic at will, you can't say they didn't warn you; it's a pretty sure bet you know just what you're getting yourself into. On the off chance you don't, spoiler alert: the boat sinks. Rose swears to Jack that she'll never let go, but then he freezes to death and she lets go. Not much for follow through, don't you think? Joking aside, it still gets me every time. I'm only partially embarrassed to admit I usually keep a fully stocked Kleenex supply on hand if the Titanic mood ever strikes.


Ghost


You've got to miss Patrick Swayze when you consider the tearjerking reflex of Ghost. The movie examines a murdered man's posthumous observation of his former lover in mourning. Ghost has some interesting ideas about what happens to our loved ones when they die, striking a tearful chord with any movie-watchers who have ever lost someone close to them. Throw in that much-satirized pottery wheel scene and you've got yourself a surefire cry session.


Selena



As a kid I could watch this one over and over again, though I think I may have been more interested in Selena's spangly stage outfits than her eventual demise at the hands of her fan club president. It's an interesting story, even more so because it's a ripped from the headlines account of a likable teenage girl poised on the brink of potential stardom. Jennifer Lopez's portrayal of the Mexican-American singer is believable and sweet; you can't help but feel for her family, friends, and fans for her tragic murder. There's also some really catchy music as an added bonus, so it's sort of a twofer.


Steel Magnolias



Take one look at this cast and tell me this isn't the ultimate chick flick. It out-chicks the rest of the genre on cast alone. I mean, really. Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine, Sally Field...they've really got all chick flick hands on deck with this one. Based on the play of the same name, Steel magnolias explores the relationships between a group of close-knit Southern women as they encounter various obstacles in their lives. The movie throws around a lot of funny one-liners toward the beginning, so the whole tragedy/death thing sort of sneaks up on you. Let me tell you though, it's a doozy,


What's Eating Gilbert Grape?



Gilbert (Johnny Depp) lives his small town life with his a 500-pound widowed mother, a developmentally disabled younger brother (Leonardo DiCaprio), and a married lover (Mary Steenburgen.) The movie has an offbeat oddball warmth and appeal, endearing us to this dysfunctional family. What's Eating Gilbert Grape isn't showy and high-minded. It shows us everyday life at its most basic and mundane, making it all the more affective. Bring on the tissues.


Stepmom


Here's a handy hint: if one of your movie's major characters is terminally ill, it's pretty darn likely that movie will try its hardest to elicit uncontrollable sobbing. Like Roberts' other film on this list, it starts out heavy on the humor and then gets us when we've let down our defenses and are at our most movie-watching vulnerable. I remember the previews for this movies hinted nothing about anyone dying a slow and painful death, so many of us were stuck wiping our eyes on our sleeves and popcorn wrappers. I was totally unprepared for this one.


My Girl



Vada (Anna Chlumsky) is an eleven year old hypochondriac whose widower father is in the disconcerting funeral parlor biz. The movie follows Vada through her everyday trials on her path to adolescence, detailing her crushes, friendships, and social tribulations. Her best friend, Thomas J (Macaulay Culkin) is deathly allergic to bee stings, so surprise surprise, he gets stung. That's when the floodgates really opened for me. That scene in the woods is pretty brutal. The movie has no shortage of heart, so at least the ending


The Piano


It takes a very well-conceived and well-executed movie to leave you uneasy and haunted after watching it, and The Piano pulls it off skillfully. The story is intriguing: a mute pianist with a daughter forced by her family into an arranged marriage. It explores emotions in an interesting way, and the result is a movie we are willing to invest in emotionally.


Edward Scissorhands



Who would've thought a movie about a man with shears for hands could be so touching? Johnny Depp is truly masterful as Edward Scissorhands in this quirky but ultimately moving movie from Tim Burton. The product of a mad inventor's experiment, Edward lives as an isolated outsider. Not only does this movie have the potential to make you cry, it also allows you to marvel over the fact that the villainous character is played by Anthony Michael Hall. The role is certainly a far cry from his brat pack days. It just goes to show, if you eventually beef up go through puberty, you may have a whole new world of evil-tinged roles at your fingertips.


Jerry Maguire


Finally, a movie a guy can feel comfortable sobbing uncontrollably at. It's okay: it's about sports! The bulk of the movie is an earnest depiction of Jerry's quest for happiness on a career path paved by ruthless success. Throw in Renee Zellweger, though, and you've got yourself a serious cry fest. She pretty much had us at hello.


Philadelphia


At a time when AIDS was still largely off-limits subject matter for popular entertainment, Philadelphia delivers a story about AIDS that is both moving and respectful. Tom Hanks plays Andrew Beckett, a gay lawyer in Philadelphia who has not come out to his coworkers. As he begins to show signs of illness, he suspects he has been framed by his firm to give reasonable cause to firing him. Hanks' performance is a testament to the power of an actor to make us feel for his plight and symp0athize with his situation. At a time when AIDS was largely a taboo subject, Philadelphia gave us a realistic and human look at its impact.


Free Willy



This movie forever changed my ability to visit Sea World. It's not that I can't, because let's be honest here, I have; it's more that it leaves me with a sort of undefinable sadness. Not so much at the whole entrapped and forced to do tricks thing, but more that I'll never have an orca of my own to dramatically jump over me at just the right moment. I've been waiting patiently, but the moment has yet to present itself.


It takes a special sort of movie to bring forth such strong emotions, but if you're in the mood for a good cry any of the above movies should more than fit the bill. They are not all fine works of high-concept cinema, but they will definitely do the trick. Just don't forget the Kleenex multi-pack: you're going to need it.

Children of the 90s is Still on Vacation...In the Meantime, Please Enjoy this Classic Post on Super Soakers

Children of the 90s is on vacation...please excuse this interruption from your regularly scheduled nostalgia programming. In the meantime, please enjoy this classic Children of the 90s post from way back when in the blog's early days. Not many people were reading, so you might be seeing it for the first time. How exciting is that? It's like a new post all over again. Almost.

Without further ado, I present this classic post: Super Soakers



Kids today have it too easy. Forget the value of dedication and hard work that so defined our generation. Their need for instant gratification continuously pushes aside their pioneering spirit of industry and diligence.

That's right, I'm talking about water guns. In our day, we knew the meaning of painstaking commitment to getting the job done. There was none of this "press the trigger and water sprays" nonsense. We would pump those Super Soaker air-pressure chambers until our fingers blistered, but it would all be worth it to spray our friends standing fifty yards away.

Originally christened the "PowerDrencher", Super Soakers burst onto the scene at the tail end of the 1980s. Approaching the 90s, toy water gun producers had fallen upon hard times, garnering flack from all sides on their regrettably realistic renderings of actual weaponry:

(image of Larami Uzi via iSoaker.com)

With parents and lawmakers increasingly conscious of how violent toys and media impacted the impressionable youth of America, these troublingly accurate imposters were on the way out. Water guns needed a new, updated image to distance themselves from their connotations of violence and war. What they needed was a light-hearted, neon-colored remastered water gun prototype with a distinctly non-military name.

At the prime meeting of timing and technology, inventor Lonnie Johnson and toy-maker Larami teamed up to produce a new water gun that fully diverted from the warlike water weapons of the past:



Super Soakers had a distinctly different tone from preceding water guns, and the ad conveys the odd sense of whimsy associated with their product. Though the commercial prominently features the theme of revenge, we can only assume that stereotypical 90's rich girl Buffy really had it coming. Also, who could resist the throwback to the Blues Brothers in their execution of their masterminded pool party-ruining scheme? This is 90s advertising as its finest.

Revolutionary in design, Super Soakers required their wielders to pump pressurized air into a separate chamber on the water gun that would build up the power to shoot water at great distances. While updated models abandoned this arm-exhausting mechanism, a great deal of the fun was contingent on that re-arming period. You felt that you had really earned that shot. You worked hard for it, and the results were spetacular. Plus, there was that awesome water bottle chamber with super-accesible fillability.

Unfortunately, while Super Soakers of today may possess greater power and precision, their R&D department's insistence on churning out novel products have led them to...well, new lows. In an effort to keep this blog in the PG range, I am not going to comment on the following video. Rather, I leave it to you to deduce from it what you will. Let's just say it stirred up quite a bit of controversy among children's advocate groups for its...provacative implications. I'm going to leave it at that.




Check it out:
Super Soaker Evolutionary Family Tree
AV Club Spoof of Hasboro Oozinator Marketing Meeting

Children of the 90s is on Vacation...In the Meantime, Please Enjoy This Classic Salute Your Shorts Post

Children of the 90s is on vacation...please excuse this interruption from your regularly scheduled nostalgia programming. In the meantime, please enjoy this classic Children of the 90s post from way back when in the blog's early days. Not many people were reading, so you might be seeing it for the first time. How exciting is that? It's like a new post all over again. Almost.

Without further ado, I present this classic post: Salute Your Shorts



Does the name "Zeke the Plumber" still send chills of terror down your spine? Do you still wonder what happened to the buried treasure of ex-counselor Sarah Madre? Do you continue to lose sleep wondering about the appearance and whereabouts of mysterious camp owner, Dr. Kahn? Does the seemingly inocuous phrase "awful waffle" make you wince in pain? Well, you may be a Salute Your Shorts junkie.

Don't worry, though, you're not alone. Many of us children of the 90s suffer a similar affliction. There was a wonderfully effective cure available briefly in the 90s that aired Saturdays at 5:30 p.m. Unfortunately, the treatment is no longer available and those of us still suffering withdrawal are forced to self-medicate with YouTube clips. You can put yourself on the waiting list for long-term treatment (found here), but the outlook isn't good.

In a way, we all grew up at Camp Anwanna. We had all of our favorite standard 90s characters: The hero, the princess, the bully, the new-age oddball, the jock, the nerd, and the butt-of-the-jokes chubby one. They were all under the semi-tyrannical rule of Kevin "Ug" Lee, (get it? Ug Lee? Ugly? Witty, yes?) their authoritarian counselor charged with keeping this wacky mismatched group of campers in line. I went to various summer camps for 14 years, and I don't know a single one of my old camp songs by heart. I do, however, have the uncanny ability to remember all of the lyrics and produce mental screenshots of the Camp Anawanna song:

"We run, we jump, we swim and plaaaay. We row and go on trips
But the things that last foreveeeeeer are our dear friendships.

Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts
And when we think about you--it makes me wanna fart!
--"It's 'I hope we never part'
Now get it right or pay the price!"

Now we will share a lifetime of the fondest memories
By the lake of Anawanna...set in the old pine trees!

Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts
And when we think about you (This thing came apart)

Think Anawannawanna, Speak Anawannawanna, Live Anawannawanna. Ug!"

Here is a clip of the season 2 version of the theme song, which differs from the original in one initially indetectable but extremely significant way:



Seems normal enough, right? You're probably thinking to yourself, why that's exactly how I remember it! Let's do a character run-down and I think you'll see the slight discrepancy to which I was referring:



Bobby Budnick, our charming resident bully. You may be thinking to yourself, how can a guy with a flaming red mullet be a bully? In most other settings, wouldn't he be relentlessly mocked for merely existing with such an unfortunate aesthetic? Yes, but this was summer camp. This was also the nineties, where a mullet and cut-off t-shirts is more than enough to declare your bad-ass status. Budnick was forever playing tricks on his unsuspecting and less antisocial peers, most notably when he told the nightmare-inducing Zeke the Plumber ghost story to the other campers and set up scare traps across Anawanna. Well, he got what was coming to him when they saw him screaming like a girl in those spider webs. Eh? Am I right? Also, Budnick seemed to be a virtual fountain of contraband available for sale to his fellow campers. He was a big fan of the empty thread "...or I'll pound you," in which his mullet and cut-off t-shirt bad-assedness it emphasized by forever unrealized forbodence of pounding (which I am going to hope for all of our sakes is a euphemism for beating someone up.)



Donkeylips, the disgustingly monikered hapless fat kid. He was generally relegated to the role of thankless lackey and sidekick to the aforementioned Mr. Budnick. Donkeylips represented those feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in all of us; his premature cynical outlook and unquenching desire to be liked was certainly recognizable. Oh, and did I mention he was fat? Boy, was he fat! Despite all of those deep character traits, his unfortunate chubbiness was more often than not the major Donkeylips punchline.




Sponge, the smart nerdy one. Like any good 90s show, his intelligence and social ineptitude is characterized by his character's need for glasses. Apparently, popularity was reserved for those of us with superior eyesight. This nebbish little bowl-cutted pipsqueak sometimes veered dangerously close to the Screech zone, but was generally more brainy than irritating. You can also see in the intro that he enjoys science based on his penchant for dressing skeleton models in his own clothing and examining them with a magnifying glass (obviously the correlation between vision-enhancers and nerdiness is deeper-set than we'd originally thought.) They call him Sponge because he absorbs things. Get it? Like a Sponge! Oh, Salute Your Shorts. What zany nicknames will you think of next?




Telly, the girl jock. Yes, a girl jock. How progressive is that? Telly was relatively bright and normal, by Camp Anawanna standards. She was largely unexceptional when cast against her madcap caricatures of camper peers. If anything, the most unusual thing about our friend Telly (aside from her sharing a name with a certain contemporary Sesame Street monster) shows up in the opening credits. Telly's real name is Venus DeMilo. I kid you not. Her parents actually named her that. Whenever I pop out a child I too usually think to myself, geez, this thing really looks like an ancient Greek sculpture. I can only assume she was born with broken-off arms, or else there's really no explanation.

(the other Venus DeMilo)

Dina, our little Princess. What camp would be complete without one? Her range of hysteria generally ranged from the inability to select the appropriate outfits to the crushing disappointment of chipping a nail. Who says they don't write good parts for women on TV? My favorite-ever Dina storyline was when she went out with Budnick and required him to dress like a preppy square to meet her country-club standards. Oh, Dina! When will you learn? She did, however, accidentally ask Donkeylips to a dance once but ended up enjoying herself, so I'll let her accrue a few niceness points for that one.



ZZ, the requisite eccentric Kumbaya-er. I suppose you could blame her blondeness for her flightiness, but her ocean off oddness ran a bit deeper than ditziness. ZZ was into the environment, and frequently conversed with inanimate objects to illustrate her love and compassion for them. That sounds normal, right? She sometimes went a little off the deep end, and I'm not just talking about during Instructional Swim. A very loud audio version of ZZ playing one of her save-the-world songs on guitar can be found here, but I caution you that her anger brings forth a lot of unwarranted microphone feedback.



Ug, O great god of zinc oxide nose precautionary application. We all sometimes worry that we're going to get an awful sunburn not so much here or here, but right here. He was your basic authority figure standing in the way of general fun and mayhem, but occasionally he let them get away with a fun thing or two. Also, in the intro we learn that he plays a mean piano.

So, that brings us to Michael. What's that you say? Michael's not in the intro? How odd. Why ever could that be?



Surprisingly blond for someone named Michael Stein, Michael was the show's obligatory everyman. His main identifiable quality is that he's an all around nice, normal guy in a sea of insanity. It is for Michael's unfortunate experience that the show was named, as the first episode featured a sequence in which Budnick and Donkeylips stole his boxer shorts, ran them up the flagpole, and spiritedly saluted them.

They change that sequence in the second (and last) season intro. Why, you may ask. What could they possibly be trying to cover up?

Oh, right. That Michael has been swiftly and quietly replaced by this guy:




Michael mysteriously comes down with the chicken pox, and as is wont to happen in these types of situations, his parents decide to take him hiking in Switzerland for the remainder of the summer. Don't fight it, it makes perfect sense. Obviously the camp's waiting list is spectacularly full, as Ronnie Pinsky (above) replaces Michael just a few hours after his departure. Ronnie goes on to fill the Michael void, essentially assuming all of Michael's major character traits and serving as a sort-of stand-in Michael for the remainder of the series.

It should also be noted that the actor who played Ronnie Pinsky, Blake Sennett (though credited as Blake Soper in the series) is now the lead guitarist for indie rock band Rilo Kiley. Wait, what? Really? For those of you unfamiliar with the indie music scene, you may recognize their song "Portions for Foxes" from the Grey's Anatomy pilot (which, let's be honest, anyone unfamiliar with the indie scene is pretty likely to watch Grey's Anatomy).


So there you have it. Despite the Michael/Ronnie switcharoo, the show maintained its quality and wit throughout its two season run. Thank you, Salute Your Shorts, for bringing us hours of childhood diversion and entertainment with your wacky storylines and gloriously likable one-dimensional characters.

For that, we salute you.