Children of the 90s' Pop Girl Group Playlist

If you're looking to beat those Oh-My-God-How-Is-It-Still-Not-The-Weekend-Yet blues, look no further than this 90s pop girl group playlist. Alternately, it can also serve as a soothing remedy for those pesky post St. Paddy's Day hangovers. If you keep the volume very, very low, I mean.

The 90s is so often characterized as major era of boy bands, but the decade saw more than its fair share of wildly popular girl groups as well. They operated largely on the same principles: nonorganic formation through open casting calls, careful harmony arrangements, synchronized dancing moves galore. Whatever beef you may have with their impact on the legitimate singer/songwriter/musician profession, you've got to admit that they churn out some toe-tapping singles. One of these songs comes on and there's a pop-and-lock reflex we succumb to; I'm pretty sure I picked it up subliminally from my days of shaking to Darrin's Dance Grooves on VHS.

So throw your cautious music taste to the wind and give in to these guilty pleasures. They'll undoubtedly have you singing along at the top of your voice. Just don't make the mistake of leaving your car windows down--these are more than sure bets to induce all sorts of music superiority-gloating glances from your judgmental roadmates.


Wannabe (Spice Girls)


Spice Girls - Wannabe
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Ah, the classic. If by classic you mean gratingly shrill, then it's a perfect fit. Truthfully, you can criticize this song all you want but you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who grew up in the 90s who doesn't know all or most of the lyrics. It was just a pervasive part of popular youth culture, so you might as well embrace it. I heard if you do they'll treat you to a zig-a-zig-ah, so you've got that going for you.


Say My Name (Destiny's Child)



Remember when Beyonce wasn't just the leotard-donning star of the infamous Kanye-approved "Single Ladies" video or the cameo in Gaga's "Telephone?" With all her recent success, it's easy to forget that she's been in the game for so many years. Not just in the game, but winning it; this girl's been a part of more number-one hits than most musicians can aspire to in a lifetime. In the 90s, the Beyonce-fronted Destiny's Child released single after hot single. Admittedly their lineup changed over the years, but whoever was showing up at the studio that day always brought it.


Where my Girls At (702)



Whatever happened to 702? With the incredible popularity of their single "Where My Girls At" they seemed poised to be the next up-and-coming girl group. As unbelievable as it sounds, the group was discovered by Sinbad. I know, I know. I don't even mean the adventuring Middle Eastern sailor of legendary lore; that would almost make more sense. No the actor/comedian Sinbad caught these girls singing in the lobby of a Vegas hotel, went and chummed up with their parents to grant him rights to drag them to a music show in Atlanta, and the rest, as they say, was history. Really, really weird history.


My Lovin (You're Never Gonna Get It) (En Vogue)


Try to listen to this song without breaking into a lightly treaded backup of "No, you're never gonna get it/never never gonna get it." It's nearly impossible. Would you expect anything less from a group whose album is titled "Funky Divas"?


C'est La Vie (B*Witched)



Just look at those moves! They just don't cut girl groups from the same cheesy pop-and-lock choreography cloth that they used to. Enjoy this one in the true traditional spirit of St. Patrick's Day: drunk. No, no, actually you can just enjoy their bagpipe solo. Yes, really.


I Want You Back (Jackson 5 cover by Cleopatra)



I know, I know...I just as easily could have chosen their "Cleopatra--Coming Atcha" theme, but that seems like the easy way out. Plus, I still have this on all of my running and car trip playlists. This 1998 cover of their song "I Want You Back" may not have been as authentic as the Jackson 5 original, but it manages to capture the same breezy tone and catchiness. And hey, look on the bright side. I could have subjected you to Cleopatra's "Thank ABBA for the Music." Then we'd really be in trouble.*


Never Ever (All Saints)



As far as lengthy intros go, this is one of the most extensive. It's not even really an intro anymore--they may well have made it into a full spoken track, it's that long. It really builds anticipation for the main event, though, doesn't it? You just can't wait to find out what happens next. Spoiler alert: they sing.

If that just doesn't do it for you, maybe their debut "I Know Where It's At" will do it for you. I know it's left me scratching my head over what exactly happened to all those old mix tapes with this song on it. This used to be my jam in my maroon station wagon:




Waterfalls (TLC)



Many of us probably could enjoy this song a bit more in our blissful ignorance of young naivete; nowadays, we're forced to confront its message of drugs, violence, and irresponsible sexual behavior. In lieu of letting the cautionary tale get us down, maybe we should just watch the video and enjoy these girls grooving on the water. It's pretty cool, actually.


He Loves U Not (Dream)



This song came up on shuffle on my iPod the other day and I almost had a heart attack. How have I managed not to mention this song somewhere on this blog in the year it's been up and running? Granted, it technically came out in 2000, but it's just quintessential 90s girl group pop. Contrived, well-executed, and complete with a video full of colorfully dressed jailbait popping their heads back and forth in a sassy, in-your-face way.


No More (3LW)



This was also in 2000, so we were starting moving into a bit of a different sound. The general girl group principles still apply though, right down to the cutesy lisp in the first verse. 3LW cleverly stands for "3 Little Women," who didn't stay little too long. Like all good girl groups, their story ends in some petty squabbling that escalated into we-can-no-longer-appear-onstage-together level girlfights.


Push It (Salt N Pepa)



Just look at them pop in the VHS at the beginning of the video. Kids growing up today wouldn't even understand what's going on. A scary thought, right? My favorite part, though, is probably when they cut to a Girl Scout rockin' out in the crowd somewhere around 1:12. She looks all hopped up on Thin Mints and Samoas and she likes it. Thankfully she at least looks old enough to be audience to the racy lyrics. Whew.


Like all guilty pleasures, these songs should be enjoyed sparingly and as a part of a balanced musical diet featuring artists who play their own instruments. That said, there's no harm in occasionally venturing to the musical equivalent of the top corner of the food pyramid. The experience will likely be just as sweet and with comparable levels of artificial ingredients.




*Is it wrong to admit that I also have "Thank ABBA for the Music" on my iPod? Feel free to judge me, but I'll feel equally free to tell you it's awesome. Well, maybe not awesome, but at least serviceable. Okay, okay, fine. It might make your ears explode. Happy?

Jumanji

You know how we sometimes say we'll look back on a dark time in our life and laugh in retrospect? Well, such was the case with the 1995 film version of Jumanji. How were we to know that a dozen odd years later, the CGI animals that had so terrified us and had induced endless nightmares would seem like cuddly Disney animations in comparison to today's true-to-life graphics?

Facetiousness aside, the effects in the film absolutely deserve their due. At the time, Jumanji utilized some of the most advanced CGI technology available. Sure, the visual effects cower in the shadow of more recent digital imagery trailblazers like Avatar, but in the mid-90s that level of realism was almost unfathomable. In the three years between Jurassic Park and Jumanji, I probably slept a total of 12 hours. Heck, even Men in Black gave me nightmares, so just imagine the damage that could be done with a computer-animated stampede of rhinocerouses charging across my screen. Had 3-D technology been available for this movie, I'd have been a goner.

Jumanji originated as a 1981 children's book by Chris Van Allsburg, serving as a sort of cautionary for what can happen when magic-tinged board games go very, very wrong. The 1995 film version adhered largely to the same story, though it did introduce some colorful new grown-up characters like Robin William's wacky woodsman Alan Parrish. The movie tries its best to give us a legitimate backstory for a fantasy tale as it weaves a yarn filled with arbitrary details like a shoe factory, a bully, and a bicycle. If you're not scratching your head yet at this movie-built premise, don't worry: you will be.



To his credit, Robin Williams makes a great man-child. It's what he did best in the 90s, so he was a pretty natural casting choice for the role of Alan Parrish. The movie begins in the 19th century as we watch a pair of fear-stricken young boys bury an ominous looking chest deep in the woods. When one asks the other what happens if someone digs it up, his pal replies darkly, "May God have mercy on his soul." How's that for a bright and cheery beginning?

Fast forward to the late 60s, where middle schooler Alan Parrish faces daily lashings at the hand of a school bully. Alan meddles a bit in production at his father's shoe factory and causes some shake-up. To make matters worse, he gets beat up outside the factory and his bike is stolen by the aforementioned bullies. Just when he thinks his day couldn't sink any further into the annals of adolescent desperation, Alan stumbles upon a dusty drum beat-emitting game box at a construction site.



Alan's father is displeased with him and wants to send him to boarding school, so in typical rational well-thought out childlike fashion, Alan decides to run away. Not, though, before laying into the mysterious game he unearthed earlier that day. Alan's classmate Sarah comes over with his stolen bicycle and the two embark on a game of Jumanji. It's totally creepy, but the kids are getting really into it. When it's Alan's turn, a frightening message appears on the game board: "In the jungle you must wait, until the dice read five or eight." He's then unceremoniously sucked into the veritable vacuum of the Jumanji world, presumably never to be seen again.




Until, that is, a new family moves into the house a quarter century later. Peter and Judy (Kirsten Dunst) are recent orphans on the move with their new guardian, Aunt Nora, but even newcomers like them can sense this house is incredibly sketchy and potentially haunted. Those damned drumbeats start again, reissuing their generation-spanning intoxicating pull over children. Judy and Peter come across the Jumanji board in the attic, and although it's pretty clear to the rest of us that this is the worst idea in the world, they immediately begin playing. I'm not sure why ominous drum beats never seemed like a warning sign to anyone in this movie, only an invitation. Go figure.

As you might expect, things quickly take a turn for the frightening and fantastical. Giant insects and roaming animals take up shop in their home, but the board swears to them it'll all be cool if they just keep playing. Right. Peter rolls a five and Alan's late-60s prophecy is broken, releasing the jungle man back into the civilized confines of his former dwelling. Oh, and there's also a lion. Did I not mention the lion? Because it is terrifying. Even now, it still scares me a little. That thing is growly.



Alan cleans up a bit and does some investigating into his old life, finding that his father searched relentlessly for him throughout the remainder of his life. Now that Peter and Judy have released havoc on their sleepy New Hampshire town, they can't seem to keep the game moving; the board seemingly issues a cease and desist on their gameplay, leaving us to fear this lion-infested world is the new permanent norm. Alan realizes that they've been playing a continuation of the game he played with his friend Sarah, so they go off to seek her out. How exactly a man who was sequestered to the jungle at 12 had such powerful deductive reasoning skills is beyond my grasp, but in a world where gameboards release swarms of killer mosquitoes it seems that anything can happen.

The gang head's over to Sarah's and discover she's become a shut-in, forever reliving the trauma of her Jumanji experience. I'm sure the one thing this Jumanji-traumatized lady wants to do is pick up playing right where she left off and cut her nearly-healed psychological wounds right back open again. Sarah (Bonnie Hunt) is not having it, so they are forced to trick her into playing her turn.



Alan reaches out to Carl, the man his father fired from his factory for Alan's mistake. Carl (David Alan Grier) is now a policeman and is thus pulled in to all of this havoc-wreaking chaos on the town. Here's where things get all sorts of terrifying. We get a full big game jungle stampede, people-snatching giant vines, a long-trapped hunter, and a batty pelican that interferes with their quest to finish the game once and for all. Peter tries to cheat and turns into a monkey, which is a pretty harsh means of teaching kids to practice good sportsmanship. Giant flowers eat police cars, the kids battle the hunter, and things continue to spiral downward at a rapid code red pace.



Our man Alan finally takes the game and cries out with the requisite "Jumanji!" All of the craziness gets sucked back into the game board. After all that scariness, this movie partakes in the ultimate reset button function and sets us all back at zero. Sarah and Alan get to return to 1969 and set everything right. Alan tells his father what he did to Carl, and Mr. Parrish rehires him. Plus, Alan doesn't have to go to boarding school and the Jumanji board is forever buried in the water. Hooray!



Time scoots forward yet again and Alan and Sarah are happily married. As if all of that wrong-righting hadn't been enough, these do-gooders convince Peter and Judy's now still-living parents (did you follow that?) not to take what Alan knew to be their ill-fated skiing trip. I just knew there had to be some impact on that darned space-time continuum.



As we come to end, we find that Jumanji has not, as presumed, been laid to rest. We get our scary drum beats again, and some French girls walking along the beach are mere feet away from the game washed up upon their shore. Just when you thought it was safe, they pull the rug from under you, leaving us to speculate the future terrors that lie ahead in a world where computer animation has grown not only more advanced but progressively more realistically frightening. Yikes.

Together at Last--They Finally Did It (AKA TV Shows that Eventually Alleviated Crucial Plot-Centric Romantic Tensions)

Will they or won't they? It's a classic sitcom cliche that keeps us as viewers hungry for more romantically tense moments between principal characters. Any current fan of The Office can certainly attest to the deflating plot cycle that accompanies the realization of a will-they-or-won't-they couple: once Jim and Pam got together, the mystery and intrigue of their friendship dissipated quickly into mundane territory. If the writers opt to resolve the major underlying plotline, it can be tough to come up with material that will appeal to fans on an equal level to that of unresolved sexual tension.

In many cases, the answer to the infamous "Will they or won't they" question turns out to be yes, leading to one of two options. In some cases, the writers may get it just right and time their suppressed romantic unions at either the end of the series or as a natural climax of a story arc. More often, though, the show veers into distinct shark-jumping territory, proving that the picture of reality can never measure up to that of the viewer's fantasy. We're all rooting for the subjects of the unresolved romantic tension to live happily ever after, but when we get to see it for ourselves we realize that there's a reason many fairy tales cut off at this point. It's a bit boring to watch two people who were once witty and interesting devolve into a happy but generally mundane couple. If we want to see people trade in their excitement for marriage and kids, we could just look to real life. It just can't sustain the same level of interest.

Love it or hate it, these shows eventually gave these would-be couples their due. Whether it culminated in an Era of TV Good Feelings or left us a bit cold, at least we got our answer to "Will they or won't they?" In all of these cases, apparently, they will.


Ross and Rachel



Here's a sitcom that shows us how to do the romantic tension story arc right. As long as Friends was on the air, it's shocking they managed to draw out the uncertainty over the scope of ten seasons. If executed poorly, this could have caused a major backlash from viewers, but the writers played it well enough to keep fans on their toes. Ross and Rachel were pretty persistent; even having a baby together wasn't enough to dissolve their tension. In the series finale, the couple finally gets their moment in the sun. After arguing over whether or not they had been on a break or not, of course. What would they be without their quintessential schtick?


Joey and Dawson



Remember, if you can think back this far, to a time before Katie Holmes was some repressed silent-birthing Scientologist mommy. Way back, back to when she was Joey on Dawson's Creek, epitomizing the girl next door prototype. Joey and Dawson were best friends, but their eventual coupling proved the old When Harry Met Sally adage about opposite sex friendships to be true. These two had an on-again-off-again sort of thing going throughout the seasons. They were together, then they weren't, then they were, then they sort of were, then...well, you get the idea. Repeat ad infinitum.


Sam and Diane



What fun is a sitcom without all of the sharp witty banter? Apparently not much, based on the way our once dagger-tongued Cheers were reduced to cuddly bunnies as they succumb to romance. The show managed to hold its audience even with the realized romance, though the eventual recreated "Will they or won't they" scenario of Sam and Rebecca failed to measure up to the tension of the original.


Fran and Maxwell



So much of The Nanny's charm was in the sassy quick-witted banter between boss Maxwell Sheffield and nanny Fran Fine, a tension that the writers managed to uphold for the better part of five seasons before caving to the temptation of uniting the subjects of their unresolved sexual tension. At this point, everything sort of unravels, eventually culminating in the sixth season ridiculousness of CC and Niles' wedding and Fran giving birth to Maxwell's twins.


David and Maddie



Moonlighting was a bit before my time, but I just can't in good conscience leave out the classic example. When Maddie and David break through their tension in the second season and consummate their romance, the show went into a steep decline. Producers gave a last-ditch effort to recreate the mystery by haphazardly marrying Maddie off to some random guy in the final season, but their efforts were to no avail. Between that and the fact that Cybil Shepherd's scenes had to be shot in advance due to her pregnancy, the once boiling-over chemistry of the costars eventually cooled to a tepid standstill.


Daphne and Niles



If we learned anything from Frasier, it's that it's tough to maintain a steady high quality of plot writing over 11 seasons. The romantic tensions between Daphne and Niles had been building for several seasons, but the writers tried to throw us off the scent with Daphne's engagement and near-miss wedding to Donny. Daphne and Niles were such lovable characters largely on the basis of their respective eccentricities, many of which traits had to fall by the wayside for the two to form a healthy and compatible relationship. That's all well and good for some, but I'm just not willing to sacrifice endearing craziness in the name of late-season desperate ratings ploys.


Whether you were satisfied with these unions or were left wanting more, the shows sought to give us what they thought we wanted. For better or worse, they gave us an easy answer to once-mysterious "Will they or won't they?" scenario that had so entertained us throughout the series' run. It just goes to show, be careful what you wish for. You just might get canceled.