Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Ones that Got Away: 90s Shows that Ended with Cliffhangers


Do you ever wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, worrying yourself awake over Angela Chase's eventual choice of high school beau? Do you find your mind racing over the endless possibilities, considering the implications of taking a pro-Jordan or pro-Brian bias? No, no, of course you don't. That's what I'm here for. To carry your unshouldered burden of those unsolved 90s pop culture mysteries.

It's the ultimate case of The One That Got Away. We found a TV series we enjoyed, we became invested in the characters and plot lines, and then suddenly the reality of poor ratings and low ad revenues kicked in and the network would yank it from its lineup. This is disappointing in any case, but it's especially vexing when the writers leave important plot threads dangling. We never saw it coming. At least when a series that plans its own finale, we get that closure we so desperately crave. Everything wraps up neatly and we can all sleep soundly knowing that our characters have found their peace.

Sometimes, though, the writers may not know they're teetering on the brink of imminent cancellation. They write a season finale as a cliffhanger, hoping to keep their loyal viewers in suspense of a surprising twist in the next season's premiere episode. We're all waiting anxiously for our favorite show's return, eager for the answers to our most pressing plot questions when we hear the bad news: the show has been canceled. The canon on its storylines is officially closed, and we're left to speculate forever on the true nature of the show's intentions. I'm still vacillating over the whole Jordan/Brian ordeal, and it's been over ten years.


Home Improvement

Like many young girls of my time, the show started its decline in my mind the minute JTT left. It just wasn't the same without his endearing floppy-haired precociousness. Aside from my own bitterness at his departure, most viewers had a bigger issue with the iffy series finale. After nine years, you would think they would at least have given us a little something to hold onto.

The final episode features a wealth of deliberations for the Taylor family. Tim films his final Tool Time and producers beg him to stay. Jill gets a job offer to be a psychologist in Indiana. It looks like they're going to Indiana, moving their house one piece at a time...or are they? Yup, we potentially got Dallas'ed. Is it a dream? We'll never know.

They did, however, at least have the common courtesy to leave us with a cheesy montage and a final curtain call:





Caroline in the City

This show may not have been quite as culturally persevering as Home Improvement, but it did fare pretty well for awhile in NBC's Thursday night line-up. The writers dish up another heaping serving of What Might Have Been, though they leave us to ponder whether or not it will be. Caroline's all set to marry Richard, he tells her he doesn't really want kids, she freaks out a bit. Fast forward six months, Caroline's about to marry Randy, and wouldn't you know it, there's Richard! Who would've thought? Anyway, the clip isn't available anywhere on the interwebs, so you'll have to settle for this montage of Caroline and Richard and just hope that was the finale's intention.





Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman


Remember, if you can think back this far, a time before Terri Hatcher was a Desperate Housewife and Dean Cain a desperate Ripley's Believe it or Not host. In the 90s, these two embodied the updated Superman and Lois Lane. The series' last episode is a real puzzler, though. The two find a baby on their doorstep with a note. We don't get much more than that. They thought the show would get picked up for another season, but we were stuck with this ending. If it helps, though, one of the writers later revealed that the baby was a Krypton royal who they needed to shield from deadly assassins. I think I liked it better when I didn't know.





Moesha


Someone's pregnant! Moesha's brother's been kidnapped! It's all pretty exciting stuff, but unfortunately we don't get to find out what happened. They'd originally intended to resolve the issues on the spin-off The Parkers, but there just wasn't enough time. Besides, at that point, I'd lost interest anyway.





My So-Called Life

Ah, the classic cliffhanger ending. MSCL didn't have spectacular ratings, but it did gather a fiercely loyal fanbase. You can imagine the anger they felt when they found out that the eternal question of Angela's love life would never be resolved. Angela's all about hunky and semi-illiterate Jordan Catalano until she finds out at the end of the episode that his heartfelt love letter was ghostwritten by none other than geeky but kind-hearted Brian Krakow. Like I said earlier, this one still haunts me. I'm sort of a Brian fan, but I had a huge crush on Jared Leto. I don't know what I wanted, I just wanted an ending, dammit.





Models, Inc.


I'm still not totally sure why I loved this show as a kid. It wasn't particularly good, nor was it remotely appropriate for my young age. Regardless, I have a soft spot for this one and I'd really like to know how it all played out. This one was so bold to splash a big To Be Continued.... across the screen, meaning they were pretty cocky about their chances for a second season. There's a wedding, an assassin points a gun at several different characters, camera pans away, we hear a shot. And then...nothing. No answers. Several years down the road, E! aired an alternate ending that gave us some closure. Unfortunately, I never saw it. If any of you did, let me know what happened.

Oh, wait, never mind. Here it is. Thanks, YouTube!





Cybill

Did Cybill and Maryanne kill the infamous Dr. Dick or not? They thought not, just a simple blow-up-his-boat operation. Next, they're arrested for his murder. The show was canceled so suddenly, we never got a chance to find out what might have been. Either way, I think he deserved it.





Popular

I spent many of my high school years pondering the age-old question: was I Brooke or a Sam? I realize now that I'm probably not missing anything by not falling into the categories of bulimic cheerleader or repressed lesbian. I've really got to get some new role models.

Anyway, this show was, as the title implies, pretty popular for awhile. The WB pushed it into the black hole of the Friday night time slot and the ratings plummeted. The cliffhanger was pretty juicy, too--we probably all would've tuned in for a little tying-up of loose ends. Brooke's fellow cheerleader Nicole Julian gets drunk and runs over Brooke with her car. How could you not want to know what happened? My curiosity is pretty persistent.

I couldn't find the ending, so you'll have to settle for the intro. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to iTunes to go download that theme song.






We may never know what happened in most of these scenarios, but perhaps it's better off that way. Leaving the story open-ended lets it lives on and gives it a potential that probably exceeds whatever the writers would have actually come up with. They also taught us the valuable life lesson of learning to live with disappointment. Sure, I was upset when I didn't know how Home Improvement wrapped up, but it did prepare me for the continued grief associated with opening one of my current paychecks.


And for the record, Runner Up: Dallas. It got resolved in a TV movie, anyway. Plus, what kind of a 6-year old watched Dallas? I have no context for it. On the other hand, I watched Cybill, so my tastes may have been a bit more mature than I'd initially thought.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Blossom


Today, on a Very Special posting on Children of the 90s: Sex! Drugs! Drinking! Puberty! School Violence! If it's an issue you don't feel comfortable discussing with your adolescent child, have no fear. We'll do the heavy lifting for you! Simply listen for your cue (a deep, all-business voice intoning, "On a Very Special..."), turn on the tube, and let the TV do its responsible parental heart-to-heart magic.

Teen TV in the 80s and 90s was frequently preoccupied with addressing heavy moral issues. The shows would suck you in with their teenspeak and lighthearted humor (and in the case of Blossom, enviable headwear), and then pull a quick switcheroo into explications on ethical adolescent behavior. One day we'd be empathizing with a character's case of acne or bad hair day, and the next we'd be tricked into learning a Very Special valuable lesson about the consequences of our decisions.


In this Very Special Episode, Six gets completely wasted

Blossom was a pioneer in the burdgeoning field of Very Special Episoding. NBC would promise us that a forthcoming Blossom episode was one our families "could not afford to miss." Yes, that's right. In terms of familial moral currency, NBC billed Blossom as the most valuable moral stock available. In accordance with traditional after-school special norms, we watched as Blossom and friends battled a slew of ethical dilemmas. Unlike some of the cautionary tale after-school movies, Blossom and Co. usually emerged morally victorious, making the right decisions and resetting their moral odometers to squeaky clean.



Mayim Bialik starred as Blossom Russo, a quirky, perky teenager with a penchant for flower-adorned floppy hats. Her mother essentially backs out of her role in the family, leaving her ex-husband Nick to fend for Blossom and her older brothers Joey (a dim-witted jock) and Tony (a recovering addict). With a premise like that, things could have gotten very heavy very quickly in the series, but writers were smart enough to keep it pretty light at the outset. Rather than focusing on the hardships facing a family torn apart by circumstances, the show centered more on the day-to-day lives of Blossom, her family, and her friends.


Oh, and also sex, lies, and teenagers. Catchy title, huh?

The show quickly segued into more controversial topics, giving Blossom an edgier feel than many of its sappy 90s sitcom counterparts. In today's entertainment marketplace it would be considered pretty tame, but in the 90s the show was touted for its tackling of tough issues in a realistic way. Blossom's world was mostly pretty family-friendly, but every so often they veered into PG-13 territory. While some of us would groan at the announcement of yet another Very Special Blossom, parents often took the hint that the upcoming episode might not be suitable for their younger children. Like I said, Blossom was a bit ahead of its time. It had parental rating indicators way before the networks mandated the caveat.

Speaking to the cast, Bialik played a great "everygirl". Young girls related to her because she was ordinary, though they wouldn't have wanted to be related to her; that would spoil their chances with hunky brother Joey. I had a fairly serious crush on Joey (Joey Lawrence) back in my Blossom-watching days. Every time he uttered his signature "Whoa" my heart fluttered just a bit. Jenna von Oy co-starred as Blossom's best friend and quick-talking confidant Six. Yep, Six. Didn't you hear? The good people at Blossom decided it was a name.

To be honest, Six is likely to blame for a generation of children growing up talking at a speed totally incomprehensible to anyone over the age of 30. We all embody her legacy very time one of our grandparents says, "Can you repeat that honey? You're talking too fast." Curse you, Six. You've muddled my chances at ever becoming an adequate public speaker.

Older brother Tony (Michael Stoyanov) played out a role uncommon to most glossed over 90s sitcoms, portraying the life of a struggling addict in recovery. Most teen-centric sitcoms would have an episode or two where kids were tempted by alcohol or drugs (and to be fair, so did Blossom) but at the end of the day none of the major players ever seemed to know any actual perpetual users. While Tony's role certainly could have been darker, the show didn't sugarcoat the breadth of his daily struggles. You've got to give Blossom some credit for shedding light on a widespread issue once largely absent from network shows.

In addition to a well-rounded regular cast, Blossom brought in more than its fair share of impressive guest stars. The show boasted cameo appearances from celebrities like Hugh Hefner, Will Smith, and Mr. T. Even ALF came along for the ride, appearing in a bizarre crossover episode. Even though he was just a puppet, he was still a pretty big name in TV back then.


Check out Alf around the 8 minute mark


Blossom had edge but it wasn't groundbreaking. It didn't try to deny that sometimes teenagers act like teenagers and not like their counterparts in most sitcoms. The show let the kids make their mistakes, deal with the consequences, and live to tell about it. Plus, they got to wear awesome hats while doing it. What's not to like?

Monday, January 25, 2010

The Way They Were: Celebrity Couples of the 90s

Time after time, Hollywood manages to fool us with its glittering golden couples. Every time a couple of favorite stars get together, we're all convinced they live a charmed shared life. They always appear so poised, so together, so happy. Plus, they're rich beyond our wildest lottery-winning fantasies. Their enviable lives extend beyond the bounds of relatability. It just seems further proof that celebrities are indeed special on a level us ordinary folks can never attain.

Just as suddenly as their perfect romances begin, though, many of our favorite celebrities quickly plummet back down to human status. On one level, it makes the rest of us feel a tad better about our own problem-addled lives. These people may be rich, beautiful, and famous, but hey, they've got issues, too. On another, though, it crushes our misguided illusion that any of us can achieve perfection. If these people can't manage it, how will the rest of us normals fare?

It's understandable that maintaining a romantic relationship under the glaring minutiae-dissecting public spotlight is a challenge. We're all watching their every moves, praying for a shred of evidence that their lives are a bit more like our own than we'd initially considered. When their relationships do fail, however, we feel somewhat let down. It's a sort of catch 22: they're damned to suffer our scorn whether they make it or not.

The 90s was a time ripe with celebrity couplings, though many of the pairs didn't cross the finish line into this decade. While they may have seemed nearly untouchable in those days, it's tough today to make sense of some of these match-ups. Whether you loved them, hated them, or just didn't get it, you have to admit that these couples enjoyed more than their share of fanfare and publicity in their heyday.


Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman


I'm not sure if you can think back this far, but try your best to remember a time when Tom Cruise wasn't just a infamous couch-jumper plagued by reputation-defaming rumors. Back in the 80s and 90s, Cruise was one of the most successful and coveted movie stars in Hollywood. Cruise and Kidman were married 10 years, which seems like a lifetime with respect to the span of most celebrity relationships. There was much speculation over the reason for their split, with reporters hinting at scandal. While Cruise has since remarried to Katie Holmes, he has yet to shake those pesky speculations on his character. The couch jumping and misguided Matt Lauer name-calling hasn't helped much, either.



Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder


If I were to engineer a quintessentially 90s couple, I doubt I could come up with anything quite as representative as these two. Examine a photo or two in their days as a happy couple and they just ooze 90s from their every pixel. It was hard not to root for them after watching their doomed romance bloom in Edward Scissorhands. After their split, they went on to further respective high-profile romances: Ryder with Matt Damon and Depp with Kate Moss, both of which relationships have since run their course. Still, it's gotta hurt that Depp altered his "Winona Forever" tattoo to read "Wino Forever". It's tough to think you could be so easily replaced by a full-bodied chardonnay.



Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez


Yeah, I said it. Puff Daddy. That was we called him back then. They had a certain charm, with him in his all-white get-ups and her in her scandalous double-stick tape supported Versace Grammy dress. If nothing else, we certainly liked them better than J Lo and Ben Affleck. As long as a Hollywood couple doesn't put us through a Gigli, they're alright in my book.



Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe


I'd really thought these kids were gonna make it. The story of their courtship seemed so cute and Hollywood storybook, we just didn't want to believe things were less than perfect with our favorite Cruel Intentions co-stars. They got married, had 2 kids, and everything seemed to be going swimmingly until they announced their decision to divorce in 2006. I'd prefer to remember them as they were, with Reese making that weird deformed devil face in the carwith Ryan in Cruel Intentions.



Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake


Talk about your golden teen couple. These two seemed so in love, we were willing to overlook the fact that they were cohabiting in the midst of their allegedly chaste relationship. It might be tough now to remember Britney as an innocent virginal pop starlet, but once upon a time we were all under the spell cast by her talented publicists. We even considered tolerating their God-awful matching denim outfits if they could just make it. Unfortunately, some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how much foreshadowing we thought we'd seen on the Mickey Mouse Club.



Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow


It's easy to forget that before there was even Brad and Jen, there was Brad and Gwen. Brad has long been a part of the Hollywood "it" couple, though he's cycled through a few female counterparts over the years. We once fell in love with Brad and Gwynnie, though we've since been convinced to fall in love with Brad and Jen and eventually the less-rhyming but more annoying hybrid classification Brangelina.



Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman


This one had all of us scratching our heads. They both seemed to bask in the attention of the public eye, Carmen for her Baywatch physique and Rodman more for his odd appearance and outlandish fashion choices than his prowess on the basketball court. The two were wed in Vegas, though the marriage was annulled less than two weeks later. The reason? Why, intoxication during the wedding vows, of course. It's probably a common tale for Vegas, but not quite so widespread an excuse in celebrity couplings.



Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee


These two got hitched after knowing each other for just a few days, characterizing the carefree (and some might argue, careless) nature of their relationship. Their infamous honeymoon sex tape went into wide circulation after it was stolen from their house, but the couple took it in stride. Considering the two weren't exactly known for their wholesome image, it all played out pretty well. They not only won over a million in the lawsuit, but they made a killing on video sales. Well played, Anderson and Lee.



Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley


There have been all sorts of speculations on Jackson and Presley's short-lived marriage, most claiming that it was a sham. Presley still vehemently denies the charge, though that footage of the two of them kissing at the VMAs still raises some eyebrows. Like most of Jackson's personal life, the details remain shrouded in secrecy, leading the public and the press to jump to all sorts of conclusions. We may never know the true nature of their relationship. I'm torn on it. I read that heartfelt note Presley wrote upon learning of Jackson's 2009 death, and she seemed to have genuine affection for him. I watch that kiss again, though, and it's a little iffy.



Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger



At this point, it's tough to look past the tarnished image of this now-bitter relationship and remember how we revered this couple upon their public debut. Back then, though, we were blissfully unaware of a looming custody battle and eventual reputation-dinging leaked voicemails from Baldwin to his daughter Ireland. The former spouses now occasionally make contact through their publicists to fling angry and bitter accusations, so I would venture things did not end so well for these two.



Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey



This one still hurts my heart just a little. I know, I know, it's not like I knew these two personally. After Newlyweds, though, I really thought they were going to be in love forever. Yes, it's naive, but he was so sweet when she made silly mistakes like confusing chicken and tuna based on the name of a popular canned-fish brand. I've always liked Jessica Simpson, so I feel for her that she never quite seemed to rebound in terms of fame and image. I'll try to think of her as she was, believing buffalo had wings and charming MTV audiences everywhere.



Their relationships may not have stood the test of time, but for a brief moment these couples represented to us the ideal partnerships. We may just have to settle for remembering them as they were, before bitter divorces or circumstances drove them apart. As they say, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. If you can't, well, then it seems you're at least in pretty good Hollywood company.

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