Friday, May 7, 2010

Children of the 90s Party Playlist


I know I'm a few days late on the Cinco De Mayo front, but some of us had to work and are forced to suspend our partying for a couple of days. In the spirit of the upcoming summer season, I've compiled a special playlist with your dance party needs in mind. Even if you can't wrangle up a party in the next couple of days, this will at least get you through a particularly rough commute. It may, however, garner some strange looks from fellow drivers when they see you singing your 90s heart out on the on-ramp.

This list should have you well on your way to throwing a solid 90s party. Just be warned: mixing these songs with alcohol may lead to some adverse reactions. I can't be held responsible for the things you might do or the dance moves you might break out under the concurrent influence of rockin' old school 90s dance music and a couple of vodka tonics. I hereby absolve myself of all liability; I said solid party, not liquid. Consume at your own discretion. Those dance moves are all you.


Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) (C&C Music Factory)



They've got their own music factory, so you know C&C has got to be good. This one is straight, direct, and to the point. Everybody dance. Now. Do it.


Gettin' Jiggy With it (Will Smith)



Ah, the song that encouraged us to use the word "jiggy" in everyday parlance. You want to hate it, but Will Smith is just so darn likable, you might just get carried away by the beat. Or, you know, lost in his eyes on the album cover. Either or.


Boombastic (Shaggy)



This one gets a little PG-13 in parts, so you may want to leave it off your song rotation if you have any young guests. Then again, we listened to it and turned out okay. Well, sort of. To be fair, we couldn't understand most of the words. Also, it starts pretty innocently: "Soft and cuddle hug me up like a quilt." With an intro like that, who would have thought it would get so racy?


Be My Lover (La Bouche)



It's got a beat and you can dance to it? Plus, it's totally cheesy. What's not to like.


OPP (Naughty By Nature)



You know who's down with OPP? Yeah, you know. Me. Totally am. Constantly singing the praises of OPP. Guilty as charged.


This is How We Do It (Montell Jordan)



This is one of those songs we all knew the words to as children, even though we probably couldn't tell you what any of them meant. At the very least, it promoted designated drivers. That's semi-educational, right?


C'mon and Ride it (The Train) (Quad City DJs)



We all need an excuse every once in a while to form a line of people complete with a leading conductor car and a caboose bringing up the rear. It's a dance anyone can do. We all look equally stupid doing that bent arm pull-down train whistle motion.


Whoomp! There it Is (Tag Team)



In case you didn't catch the words, the gist of it is Tag Team telling us how awesome they're going to be. The major theme of the song is their explaining how much they're going to bring it. The answer? A lot. Actually, that's the theme of the next two songs as well, so this is a great segue. Anyway, there is, however, some Whoomp Shak a Laka-ing in this one to which we can all sing along. Thank goodness for that. A sing-along moment always helps break up the party tension after we've unsuccessfully attempted to rap our way through a full song.


U Can't Touch This (MC Hammer)



With MC Hammer's biggest single, we all get the chance to stop and observe a heartfelt moment of Hammer Time. If you could throw in some metallic hammer pants, that would work too. If someone asks who you're supposed to be and you get all embarrassed, feel free to claim you've come dressed as Aladdin. It will probably fly. Like the magic carpet. Yep, I went there.


Ice Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice)



Okay, okay, I'll admit I watched Glee this week and thus a few of these so-called songs with bad reputations have been floating around in my cerebral cortex. Anyway, there's just something so magical about stopping, collaborating, and listening. If I didn't know Vanilla Ice better, I'd say that came straight off a worksheet from middle school peer mediation. Who knows? Maybe it did.


What is Love? (Haddaway)



It may be irritating, but that SNL Night at the Roxbury sketch had been pretty persistently persevering. This song still makes most of us want to hit the dance floor and try to attract partners with pickup lines like, "You? Me? Him? You? Me?" It's essentially a foolproof method.


Tootsee Roll (69 Boyz)



Everyone likes a song with step-by-step directions in it. It tends to distract from those of us who have no rhythm and flail wildly, hoping to be obscured by the strobe light. Luckily the 69 Boyz were kind enough to throw in a little "To the left, to the left" and all that good stuff. It even tells us when to dip. Thanks, Boyz!


We Like to Party (VengaBoys)



This is truly a terrible song, but it's just so darn catchy you're almost willing to excuse it. Until your brain is spinning "We like to party! We like! We to party!" on repeat all day. It's a little excessive. Just be thankful I didn't put their other it, "Boom Boom Boom." That one's a real killer.


Everybody (Backstreet's Back) (Backstreet Boys)


Backstreet Boys - Everybody (Backstreet's Back) (Official Music Video) - Watch more top selected videos about: Backstreet_Boys

Yes, it's a song with responsive parts. How easy is that? They say something, then we say something. Simple. Sometimes we also get to go, "yeeeaaah--ahhhh." It's also considerably less awkward for a room full of adults to shout out, "Am I sexual?" than it was for us at a middle school dance or some such equally inappropriate occasion. I can only imagine the adult chaperones were mortified.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Don't Call it a Comeback...Okay, Fine, Call it a Comeback: 80s and 90s Stars who Made it Big the Second Time Around


Many celebrities--or at least their skillful publicists--have the uncanny knack for reinventing themselves many times over. Just when we've grown to accept the notion that they're washed up and irrelevant, they manage to claw their way back to the top again.

It's enough to give hope to currently disgraced public figures like Tiger Woods. Many of these celebrities also dealt with the influx of late night monologue jokes and Saturday Night Live digs at their poor life choices. Generally, there are a few ways to stage an effective comeback after either fading into relative obscurity or committing some heinous act that serves as an affront for even the most lenient rungs on the moral ladder. These means include but are not limited to:

1. Lay low for some period of time and allow your tarnished or dwindling fame public image to fade into the background. As soon as you no longer qualify as legitimate fodder for juicy tabloid stories, stage a comeback in a role completely disparate from your former typecast image. For example, if you were a serious dramatic actor, consider a starkly contrasted comedic cameo or sitcom role. If you were a comic actor, try your hand at a villainous role.

2. Variation: Lay low for some period time and allow your public image to fade into the background. Make a comeback in the exact same role that made you famous. This method works best for reconvening pop music acts.

3. Completely reinvent yourself with little to no grace period between your former "bad" self and the new "good" one. See Spears, Britney. This one requires an especially adept personal management team and potential surrender of your rights.



Robert Downey Jr


You may Remember Him as: Member of Brat Pack, star of films like Less than Zero, Weird Science, The Pick-Up Artist and Johnny Be Good. Also recipient of some cushy industry ins via famous father, Robert Downey, Sr.
And then:
Several brushes with law in re: drugs
And then:
Brief stint on Ally McBeal as lead male romantic interest. Generates buzz; nominated for numerous awards.
And then:
Gets axe in the wake of multiple highly public drug arrests and resultant court-ordered treatment
Now: Rolling in offers and acclaim after monumental success of Iron Man, Tropic Thunder, Sherlock Holmes, and forthcoming Iron Man 2


Britney Spears
You May Remember Her as: Mouseketeer, racy jailbait schoolgirl who hit it big with single "Hit me Baby One More Time," smokin' hot ab-baring performer with python
And then: Quickie marriage/annulment of marriage to high school sweetheart
And then: Chaotic reality show with trashy husband; children ensue
And then: Head-shaving, can't-keep-legs-crossed-while-exiting-car trainwreck stage
Now: Under lock and key by conservator father and stellar management team; hit CD and sold-out tour, MTV "documentary" re: sanity, all rejoice



Patrick Dempsey

You May Remember Him as: Teen comedy hearthrob in cheesy late-80s films like Can't Buy Me Love and Loverboy
Now: Iconic McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy. Co-stars in a few questionable chick flicks (Sweet Home Alabama, Made of Honor) but I'm willing to excuse it because I love Enchanted so much. Kind of a wash.


Teri Hatcher
You May Remember Her as: Lois from Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies, and that chick in the sauna with disputably real boobs on Seinfeld
And then: A few less than notable bit parts. I mean, Spy Kids? Really?
Now: Cast in 2004 as Susan Mayer on the hit show Desperate Housewives; makes bags and bags of money. Can only assume said bags are delivered to her residence marked inconspicuously like a big dollar sign. You know, like in the cartoons.


Ed O'Neill

You May Remember Him as: Al Bundy on envelope-pushing anti-Cosby-style family sitcom Married with Children
Now: Hilariously misguided patriarch Jay on Modern Family


Rob Lowe


You May Remember Him as:
Member of 80s Brat Pack, rises to fame with movies like St. Elmo's Fire and The Outsiders.
And Then: Reputation-incinerating sex tape leaks. Tape stars incriminatingly underage girl. Yikes.
And Then: Rehab. Before it was cool.
Now: Cements legitimate comeback with roles in The West Wing and Brothers and Sisters


Mickey Rourke

You May Remember Him as:
Sex icon from 9 1/2 Weeks
And then: Boxes. Messes up face. A lot.
And then: Several smaller roles; Films Another 9 1/2 Weeks, several direct-to-video movies. Cries.
And then: Randomly appears as bad guy in Enrique Iglesias "Hero" music video
Now: Stages major comeback with impressive performance in The Wrestler. Plays villain in Iron Man 2. How much do you bet they saw that "Hero" video and thought, "Hey, we should get us some of that"?


The Spice Girls

You May Remember Them as:
Grrrl Power-promoting, Union Jack-wearing girl pop act from the 90s. Stars of Spiceworld. Proceed to spice up our lives.
Now(ish): Play sold-out reunion tour in 2007. Promote selves to proponents of wommmmen-power as fans age considerably.


Kiefer Sutherland


Before he was born:
Grandfather brings universal health care to Canada. Wait, what? It's in Wikipedia. It must be true.
You May Remember Him as: That guy from Stand by Me and The Lost Boys, among others.
And then: Also those guys from A Time to Kill and A Few Good Men respectively
Now: Incredibly famous for role as world-saver Jack Bauer on 24
Oh Yeah: Serves brief jail time for DUI; head-butts one of the designers of Prouenza Schouler. Yep. Head-butts. Public image miraculously pulls through.


Neil Patrick Harris


You May Remember Him as: Doogie Howser, MD. Boy Genius and retro-computer diarist extraordinaire
And Then: The star of many made for TV movies
And Then: Made us laugh with his comeback-grade unexpected cameo in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
Now: Generally hilarious on How I Met Your Mother and in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along. Comes out publicly as a gay celebrity in 2006; conveniently already Broadway star. Opens 2010 Oscars because he can.


New Kids on the Block


You May Remember Them as: Having a bunch of hits. At least that's what I hear from LFO.
Now: Stage epic comeback tour in the summa-summa-summertime of 2008. Yours truly failed to procure tickets. Much crying occurrs. Suspect ticket brokers didn't believe I had the "Right Stuff." Proceed to cry much, much more


Alec Baldwin

You May Remember Him as: That guy from Beetlejuice and The Hunt for Red October. Gives stellar performance in Glengary Glen Ross. Marries Kim Basinger.
And then: Divorces Kim Basinger. Raging custody battle ensues.
And then: Narrator of Thomas and Friends? Okay. If George Carlin can do it, why can't Baldwin?
And then: Smaller roles in major films like Pearl Harbor and The Aviator
Actually: You know what? Turns out he's been famous all along. It just took us awhile to realize he's so funny. Call it a comedic comeback. Yeah, we'll go with that.
Now: Comc actor on sitcom 30 Rock with beyond brilliant timing and delivery. Gains some weight and morphs into a significantly cuddlier version of his former self.
Oh Yeah: Threatens aforementioned cuddly reputation with leaked voicemail to his daughter. Uses word "pig" repeatedly. Remarkably manages to retain popularity.


John Cryer

You May Remember Him as:
Irritating nerd and frequent dorky hat-wearer Duckie from Pretty in Pink
Now: Alan Harper on equally irritating CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men. Wears significantly fewer hats. Still Dorky.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Where Do They Come Up With This Stuff? A Few Truly Strange 80s and 90s Children's Shows


It takes a special kind of creativity to dream up the premise of a truly unique kids' show. In grown-up circles, it's more commonly referred to as certifiable insanity. It's almost as if some of these children's show writers have some special gene that grants them an eternally youthful point of view. Otherwise, craziness is probably the most flattering description of their professional endeavors. We'll go with the gene thing.

Though the 80s and 90s saw its fair share of educational children's programming, many kids' shows lacked that level of justification for production. At best the characters might learn a moral lesson or two, but in general the themes of these shows fell into the "WHAAAA?" category. It's hard to imagine the shows' creators delivering their respective pitches for these absolutely ridiculous concepts.

We can only imagine it went a little something like this:

"So there are these Martian mice, right? Oh, and they're motorsports enthusiasts. That part's pretty important, too. And--"
"Say no more. We're putting this into production immediately. Biker Mice? From Mars? Brilliant!"

It's almost enough to make you want to start keeping a dream journal. All of those unrelated thoughts shuffling around in your head just might turn out to be the premise of a lucrative children's entertainment franchise. Maybe.

Regardless of the germination process of these strange concepts, kids embraced these shows as gospel. That's the best part about children's entertainment: your viewers won't question a thing. Everything you show them makes perfect sense to them. Why? Because you said so. It's a perfect balance of getting away with insanity and never having a fan dispute or question anything you present. What's the worst they can do--write a scathing review in crayon on the living room wall?No, they'll watch it and they'll like it. It's just that easy.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles



We've had such heavy exposure to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that it can be difficult to remind ourselves that the concept is utterly ridiculous. They're not just mutant turtles, they're also adolescents with a penchant for mixed martial arts. Brilliant.


Biker Mice from Mars



As many shows on this list have firmly established, kids go for the literal. When naming your animated or puppet-populated series, it's best to just come up with an exact description of your major concept and just go with that. Biker Mice from Mars are a perfect example, as they are indeed mice from Mars with a passion for motorcycling. Don't fight it, it makes perfect sense.

It's amazing we made it all the way to the 90s before someone turned this into a TV show. You would think someone would have come up with it sooner. After all, motorcycles, mice, and Mars are just so darn intrinsically connected. Anyway, Ian Ziering was in it. Ian Ziering! You've got to have a soft spot for that.


CatDog



Like I said, save the creativity and craziness for your show's concept. The title should be simplified to a point of dumbed-downness. It's half cat, it's half dog, what do you call it? A CatDog. Of course.


Popples



To be fair, in the case of the Popples, the toys came first. At least we know where they came up with it, though the back-story the writers filled in is a tad questionable. The Popples are adorable little pom-pom tailed puffballs who pull mysterious objects from their kangaroo-esque pouches. They also consistently thwart the efforts of well-meaning human children. It's crazy, sure, but their cuteness is a reasonable distraction from how little sense it all makes.


Teletubbies



These may have risen to popularity a bit after our time, but their impact on the genre of strange kid shows was incredibly resonant. They're colorful, they roll on the ground in the sunshine, they laugh uncontrollably, and they believe they can see children through a screen on their tummies...I don't know what these guys are on, but I want some.


Eureeka's Castle



This was pre-Harry Potter wizardry, meaning the Eureeka's Castle producers still got away with making up their own arbitrary rules on sorcery. They also gave us a slew of unique characters, including the peanut butter-sandwich gobbling Bogg twins, the flying impaired blind-as-a-bat Batly, bumbling dragon Magellan, and vaguely ethnic pushcart owner Mr. Knack. Magellan even had some terrifying claymation pets, Cooey and the Slurms. Maybe it's just me, but I have always been terrified by claymation. I'm pretty sure it's just me.


The Smurfs



Despite the conspiracy theorist arguments claiming the Smurfs to be a pro-communist vehicle, I've never really bought into it. Yes, the Smurfs are admittedly strange, but their intention is to get kids to share. Maybe we should stop teaching that in kindergartens, too, to simulate a more capitalist classroom environment. Survival of the fittest five-year olds. How could it possibly go wrong?


Bananas in Pajamas



The title says it all: the main characters are indeed bananas eternally clad in pajamas. That's pretty much all there is to it. They don't even get the courtesy and respect of real names, stuck as B1 and B2. You get the feeling the writers meant to fill that in somewhere along the way, but then just gave up on it.


Rocko's Modern Life



What, you've never seen an Australian wallaby with a pet dog whose best friends are a steer raised by wolves and a neurotic over-phobic turtle? You can't accuse Rocko's Modern Life's creators of being unoriginal. The characters are undeniably idiosyncratic, but they're all charming in their own right. Well, charming if you're not too visually squeamish; the show can get a tad gross.


Fraggle Rock



To their credit, the Fraggles did teach us to dance our cares away. That probably counts as moderately educational. They can share dreams by making head contact with another Fraggle, they subsist on doozle sticks and radishes, and they coexist with Gorg giants. Their incredibly specific and detailed existence is at least justified by the show's relative complexity for a kid's program. And, you know, we danced our cares away. That part was the best.


Wee Sing in Sillyville



This one was actually a straight-to-video musical series, but its craziness warrants a legitimate place on this list. Sure, it has a legitimate message of togetherness and anti-prejudice, but the songs are so over the top that you've got wonder what these adult actors were on.


Aaah! Real Monsters



There's something to be said for the originality of 90s Nicktoons. Shows like Aaah! Real Monsters created a fully formed highly imaginative world of monsters-in-training. Ickus, Oblina, and Krum were fully realized characters, which makes up for their sometimes unsavory behavior. We can probably let it go, though. They are monsters, after all. Plus they live in a literal dump. Let's cut them a break.


Zoobilee Zoo



Perhaps this one qualifies more aptly as creepy than just strange. Those costumes are reallysomething else. Adults in full animal makeup and get-ups are sure to simultaneously delight young children an scare the bejeezus out of adults. The older and allegedly more mature I get, the scarier the pictures of these guys seem.


This list is just skimming the surface of the under-examined weirdness of the kids' TV series with which we grew up. Additions to the list are more than welcome in the comments section. Just don't think about any of the shows' premises too hard; you could easily strain a neuron or two trying to wrap your brain around their convoluted reasoning.

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