To discuss an exciting 90s TV development with a very funny guest blogger

In honor of tonight’s very exciting TeenNick premiere of “The 90s Are All That” programming block, a fellow blogger and I thought it would be fun to combine forces to reminisce about some of the shows that will be rebroadcast after years in the Nickelodeon vault. For those of you who are unaware of the impending television greatness in our midst, behold, the glory of The 90s Are All that promo:



You should probably set your Tivo or DVR immediately so you can enjoy this amazing 90s Nick lineup at your leisure. Go ahead, we’ll wait. Done? Okay, great.

For readers who have not yet met the hilarious Andy, here’s your formal introduction:

Andy Shaw, known on Twitter as @WildARSChase, now runs andyshawcomedy.com, where he's combined forces Captain Planet-style to show his improv and stand up performances as well as his WildARSChase blog. He also wonders why Tori was ever on Saved By the Bell.

Now that we all know each other, I think we’re ready to begin. We could go on and on about our memories and the collective greatness of these shows, so we just picked a few of our favorites to start with. Be sure to stop back by Andy’s blog later this week for the next installment!

Legends of the Hidden Temple:



Children of the 90s take: Looking back, Legends of the Hidden Temple is a gold mine of highly transferable life lessons. For one, always wear a helmet and a mouthguard for all activities. I don’t care if you’re walking your dog or baking up a hearty batch of oatmeal cookies: you never know what kind of dangerous obstacles you could encounter that could potential damage your cranium or cause you to unsuspectingly swallow a molar. That’s just basic safety.

I also learned never to count my pendants before I’ve exited the temple gates. In life, it seems just when you think you’re about to run out of the temple scott free with the Walking Stick of Harriet Tubman, a terrifying and vaguely Mayan temple guard pops up and you’re back at square one. A figurative temple guard, of course. I think I’ve let this life lesson metaphor get away from me, but hopefully you’re still along for the ride. Bonus points if you’re wearing your helmet and mouthguard.

Legends of the Hidden Temple is also a classic example of how loosely we defined shows as “educational” in the 90s. By defining the stories as “legends,” the level of research integrity required by LotHT producers dropped significantly. I’m also a tad suspicious that Olmec was just a primer to prep us for subsequent years of gleaning our news from talking heads on TV. To be fair, though, many of those cable news pundits come off more stone-faced than Olmec.

WildARSChase take: Children, it all comes down to which team were you rooting for? A Silver Snake? A Blue Barracuda? Or were you cheering for a super slutty Red Jaguar?*
* Based on vague memories. Not scientific.

And might I add, Olmec was a douche. He was completely full of himself and very judgmental. I am quite sure host Kirk Fogg wanted to punch Olmec in his fat face.

Let me get to my biggest gripe, though: Why couldn’t those stupid kids assemble the Shrine of the Silver Monkey faster? My God, it was three pieces! And then they would waste so much time giving the temple guards the pendants. Drove me crazy. Kirk Fogg would scream at them. I’d scream at them. It was rough.

Children of the 90s: I was a Blue Barracuda girl all the way. I never quite understood how they came up with the color/creature combos for team names. Orange Iguanas? Red Jaguars? It just doesn’t add up.

I’m with you about Olmec. Can you imagine Kirk and Olmec’s off-screen relationship? I feel like there was some serious tension there when the cameras were off.

Speaking of the temple guards, it kind of makes me wonder who exactly was showing up for work everyday to dress up in the full Mayan garb. Were these guys Nickelodeon interns? Or real actors? I’m trying to picture some poor aspiring actor padding out his resume with “Temple Guard #3,” or if he was feeling especially creative, maybe he even gave it an authentic Mayan name like “Ixchel.”

WildARSChase: My guess is Olmec used to date Kirk’s girlfriend and was still calling her because he felt lonely stuck on the side of a temple. And Kirk couldn’t handle it and would sometimes rub it in Olmec’s face how hot his girlfriend is. I imagine the girl was Lori Loughlin from “Full House.”

The Mayan thing cracks me up because I’m sure it was so completely historically inaccurate (as you astutely point out, it was “legends.”) I am sure there’s an IMDB page out there with Temple Guard #3 out there. And I’m also quite sure Keanu Reeves would be the one to do it.

Children of the 90s: So I actually went to look that up on IMDB, to no avail. Too bad. I did find out the host Kirk Fogg had a bit part as a district attorney in the Veronica Mars pilot, though.

All That:



Children of the 90s take: All That understood the difference between adult comedy and children’s comedy. How do I know? Because at the time, I thought each sketch was more brilliant than the last, but as an adult I question my very sanity for laughing out loud at some of this stuff. “He’s Earboy! Earboy! His Ears are really big!” Really? That’s your tagline? At least no one could argue it would go over kids’ heads.

I was also a big fan of the Goodburger fast food sketches, foreign exchange student Ishboo, crazy write-in advice dispenser Dear Ashley, and of course Vital Information for your Everyday Life. I credit Vital Information with teaching me the value of non-sequitor humor and building me a strong base of sarcasm. I never could nail a deadpan delivery quite like Lori Beth Denberg, though. Not every line was a winner, but the concept was pretty clever for a kid’s show.

Best of all, If I didn’t think something was funny, it was also incredibly brief-there was usually a ten minute wait at most to enjoy Coolio or Boyz II Men or whichever other top-billed musical artist the show managed to pull for a performance.

WildARSChase take: I can still remember that theme song. Did you know TLC performed it? RIP, Lisa Left Eye Lopez.

That show created a ton of spinoffs: Kenan & Kel (everytime I see SNL and see Kenan Thompson, I think of the “Goodburger” movie), The Amanda Show and more. Amanda Bynes was clearly gunning to be the star of All That. I never liked her as much.

I also forgot that Nick Cannon was on that show, preparing for a life ahead with Mariah Carey.
The best thing about All That may have been the music guests. I loved how culturally diverse it was - I am sure it is one reason I’m into R&B and hip hop today. Aaliyah, Erykah Badu, Da Brat, Busta Rhymes … and they weren’t singing kid-friendly songs, either. Actually, I can’t believe half of them were on a kids’ show.

Children of the 90s: ARS, you’re bringing back way too many memories here, I’d completely forgotten about Nick Cannon being on All That. Remember the spinoff Nick Cannon show? Now I just think of him as the well-dressed hipster host of America’s Got Talent who’s whipped enough by Mariah Carey to allow his children to have names like Moroccan and Monroe.

Looking at that list of musical guests, it’s definitely a far cry from the Disney-ified music in kids’ entertainment today. I actually went to see Busta Rhymes a few weeks ago and I can vouch that it is definitely not kid-friendly. Maybe the show’s content advisers just assumed he rapped so fast parents wouldn’t catch all the drug references.

And of course, I loved the TLC theme song. CrazySexyCool was one of the first CDs I owned. I’m pretty sure I spent a whole year deeming things I liked not just as cool, but as crazysexycool.

WildARSChase: You went to see Busta Rhymes? You just got bonus points in my book. That’s gangsta. Aaliyah sang “One In a Million” on All That, a song clearly about sex. By the way, how come I keep referring to dead 90s singers?

I had CrazySexyCool on cassette. I remember listening to “Red Light Special” and knowing it was dirty but not quite sure why.

I wonder if a show like “All That” would make it today. Since I’m not a kid anymore, I’m not sure what all is out there, but I’d be worried that someone like Miley Cyrus would be on a new “All That.” And that would be a tragedy.

Children of the 90s: You just reminded me I should go listen to Red Light Special so I can figure out what the heck I was misunderstanding as a child. Be back soon.

GUTS:



Children of the 90s take: As a child, I was certain the the culmination of life success was determined by one’s ability to navigate the treacherous terrain of a color-coded craggy mountain plagued by frequent glitter storms. For many years, my life’s major ambition was to someday own a piece of the famed aggro-crag. I certainly wasn’t athletic enough to ever make it as a contestant in the Extreme Arena, but that hasn’t stopped me from searching periodically for souvenir aggro crag trophies on eBay.

One of the best parts of the show was the little “Spill Your Guts” human interest segment. I spent hours brainstorming what my GUTS nickname might be. Did I exhibit the shiftiness and stealth of “The Jackal” or did I boast more of the grace and quick-footedness of “The Jaguar”? Plus, these kids knew how to celebrate their athletic achievements: I still think the best way to celebrate a milestone is to drape yourself proudly in your country’s flag and take a victory lap.

WildARSChase take: Mike O’Malley was introduced to me through GUTS, a show so awesome it demands a caps lock. DEMANDS IT. Who’s Mike O’Malley, you say? I’m guessing you don’t know him through his seminal work on “Yes, Dear,” which lives on in TBS infamy. I bet you know him as Kurt’s dad on “Glee.” Yep, that guy.

He was the host, always pushing kids to the limit and keeping sexual tension with Mo Quirk, the (female) referee. Mo went on to do great things, such as “My Life As a Teenage Robot” and an “additional voice” credit on Microsoft Flight Simulator X.

GUTS was all about the Agrocrag, wasn’t it? The Agrocrag makes Mount Doom in “Lord of the Rings” look like a sandcastle. It separated the men from the boys, the women from the girls and the destined to be a pro athlete from the destined to be an accountant.

Looking back, that show was great because it promoted physical activity and being adventurous. It’s the exact opposite of another old Nick show that evidently won’t be re-broadcast, Nick Arcade … clearly, that show doesn’t stand the test of time because the graphics would look horrendous.

Children of the 90s: I’ll admit I actually had a huge crush on Mike O’Malley in his GUTS days. What can I say, I like a guy in a hockey jersey. I was definitely not a Yes, Dear fan, but I do like him on Glee when I remember to watch it. I suppose if he has to be getting old and bald, at least he can be accepting of his gay son.

That kind of makes me sad about Mo, because I always admired her intensity and how serious she took this announcer gig that must have been, at best, her third choice show biz job. My fiance and I actually went one year for Halloween as Mo and a Guts Contestant...I’d highly recommend it if you’re ever in a market for a 90s costume idea.

I’m also all for the physical activity aspect, but I actually loved Nick Arcade. Didn’t you think it seemed cool at the time? Obviously the technology seems pretty crappy now, but back then I was amazed those kids were in the video games. All hail bluescreen technology.

WildARSChase: Mo and a GUTS contestant? You’re racking up bonus points left and right. I think you also were Mike O’Malley’s only groupie, so that’s minus points.

GUTS really did have an international flair. I almost had forgotten how they flew the country flag. Of course, then you also found yourself rooting for America, which seems a bit xenophobic in hindsight. Screw you, other countries! This here is America, and our kids are the best!

Nick Arcade did seem awesome at the time. I couldn’t believe how it was done. Actually, if they did a new version of that it would be amazing, wouldn’t it?

Children of the 90s: I’m not ashamed, I was totally a Mike O’Malley groupie. Try watching the video above and telling me he didn’t used to be pretty good-looking in his relative youth.

I would totally go for a new Nick Arcade. Are you out there, Nickelodeon executives? I’d watch that. Whip that up, please, with some new technology. And maybe they can make into Global Nick Arcade, just so I can continue to feel good about rooting for my American compatriots.

WildARSChase: Come over to AndyShawComedy.com on Friday for the next installment of our recap of Nickelodeon shows of yesteryear. What shows will we do next? You'll have to visit to find out! Follow us on Twitter to find out when our series is updated! @wildarschase and @childrenof90s

Children of the 90s: (Insert additional self-promotion links here)

Classic Children of the 90s Post: Lunchables

Your faithful Children of the 90s blogger is still on vacation...but in the meantime please enjoy this classic post about Lunchables:


In the late 80s and early 90s, the Oscar Mayer company was out to prove that they were more than just a catchy jingle and a Weinermobile. At this point, we were all fairly aware of Oscar Mayer's way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A. We were relatively proficient in identifying our bologna by both its first and second names. We even had general affection for ingesting the aforementioned mysterious lunch meat daily. What more could they want from us?

Perhaps they were upset were were packing non-Oscar Mayer brand products in our school lunches. Maybe it was that sometimes we favored Jennie-O Turkey Breast over our old mystery meat pal bologna. Or possibly they were just concerned we weren't meeting our daily sodium level potential. Whatever the instigator may have been, the quest to streamline the lunch-packing process had begun.

When it came to the 1990s elementary school cafeteria, brown bags and insulated coolers were out and prepackaged boxed lunches were in. Suddenly the height of cafeteria coolness revolved around snack-like, nutritionally devoid, candy toting yellow boxes. To pull out one of those signature Lunchables boxes at lunch time was to declare yourself party to the latest in food trends and blatantly flaunt your parents' reputable recalcitrance for wholesome nourishment. Those of us whose parents insisted on packing us a food pyramid-inspired balanced meal were forced to hang our heads in shame at our lack of preboxed lunchtime delights.

The Lunchables roster certainly expanded over the years, but it began with a simple savory formula: crackers, adorably miniature slices of lunchmeat, and overprocessed and suspiciously orange cheese slices. Later models included such awe-inspiringly nutrition-void amenities as Capri Sun drink pouches and a fun size portion of candy. Some of us, though I won't say who, learned the don't-put-metal-in-the-microwave lesson the hard way via the addition of the metallic Capri Sun pouches. Her parents may or may not have frozen Lunchables for posterity and future lunchability, and she was not quite patient enough to let it thaw. Again, I'm not naming names, but she may or may not have broken her family's brand new microwave through this ill-fated Lunchable venture*.



Lunchable varieties became increasingly questionable with each successive incarnation. Each model stayed true to the original formula of a collection of spare lunch parts complete with assembly instructions, but Oscar Meyer certainly weren't afraid to experiment with creativity. They churned out pizzas, nachos, mysterious forms of "dunkers," tacos, and nearly any other fathomable junk food-based product. Naturally (or as the case warranted, by means of artificial flavoring) it was only a matter of time before anti-childhood obesity groups and health advocates stormed the Lunchables bastille in the name of all things overly salty.


Yes, these salt-packed snacks were tasty, but it's largely due to the fact that they were often packing a whopping three quarters of a daily recommended value of sodium for an adult. Mind you, these were mainly consumed by children, so it's fairly simple to deduce that the sodium content more than exceeded their healthy daily dosage. This preservative-rich snack boxes came under fire for their absolute defiance in the face of rising health consciousness. Essentially, researchers looked on in horror as morbidly obese children waddled to their lunch tables, inhaled a Lunchable, chased it with the fun size candy, and went into a salt coma. These were kids walking through their elementary school hallways single file not out of obedience to teachers but out of necessity to fit through the cafeteria door.

The Oscar Meyer/Kraft people could only hold out for so long. There was really no adequate defense for the remarkably low nutrition levels of their products, other than that children adored them and their junk-foody contents. As long as there was a consumer demographic of parents still willing to poison their children with dangerous sodium levels, there was no reason for them to make any sort of adjustment. However, as the pressure from nutrition advocates mounted and led to devastatingly bad press for Oscar Meyer/Kraft, the company quickly changed their salty tune.


It may be a bit harsh to say they sold out, considering the admittedly poor levels of nutrition in the original product. However, they did oblige to their opposition and began offering options such as fruit juice and yogurt. While these new additions may have had some grounding in health food, it's pretty safe to say they didn't significantly alter the overall caloric content. Regardless, as long as the juvenile salt-related cardiac arrest subsided, they were able to quietly continue packing children chock full of delicious artificial additives.

That said, it's important to note that some of their current releases are highly questionable. Take this disturbingly fizzy pop-rocks knockoff meat+candy creation.It just goes to show you that change does not necessarily equal progress. To its credit, however, the packaging does herald the excellence of the meal's calcium content. Calcium or not, the whole thing seems pretty suspicious. It's safe to say that while contemporary children may not enjoy the same levels of salty deliciousness, Lunchables continue to outrage parents everywhere in a distinctly kid-pleasing manner.

And isn't that what really counts?






*In case you failed to gather from the heavy hints, this was clearly me. I never did own up to breaking the microwave.

In case you needed another sign Children of the 90s are getting older...

Just in case all of the reasons in this post weren't enough to bring your unstoppable pending adultification to light, here's one more to add to the pile. While hearing the songs we grew up with reduced to Muzak in waiting rooms, dentist offices, grocery stores, and elevators is certainly a step down from their once-hip status, now they're parodying our old favorites for less and less attractive causes. One day your song is an R&B top charter, and the next, well, it's in deep doo-doo.

Dog doo-doo, that is. The Puget Sound Starts Here environmental group (http://pugetsoundstartshere.org/) released a Blackstreet "No Diggity" parody entitled--you guessed it--"Dog Doogity" to raise awareness about how picking up dog's poop can enhance the water quality in the city of Puget Sound. I remember skating to the original Blackstreet jam at roller rink birthday parties, and now it's been reduced to a dog poop awareness campaign anthem:



And the lyrics, for good measure:
You know what,
I like the Puget Sound,
Dog doogity, no doubt, uh!
Play on Puget
Play on Puget
Yo dog dropped a deuce!
VERSE
Doggy get down, good dog
Baby got her walkin through Seatown
And all around the Puget Sound
Cover much ground, she ain't a hound from the pound
In the rain, it's a good day
Each and every day, the Northwest way
The girl and her dog, they were fine (wow)
Until they left a doodie, that's a crime (bow wow)
East side to the West side
Pushin I-5, take a ferry ride
I hope she got treats in the stash
Bacon gives her gas
Fast when it comes to the snacks
I noticed that dance
It's on when she kicks like a rabbit
Doggy, when you do your doo, I'm gonna help you
Can I get down so I can
CHORUS
I like the way you walk it
Dog doogity
We've got to bag it up (repeat 4x)
BRIDGE
Hey yo x4
Hey yo, lets keep this clean
Hey yo x4
Pick it up! Pick it up! Keep it green
Hey yo x4
You don't want to swim in poo
Hey yo x4, Heeeeeey
CHORUS
I like the way you walk it
Dog doogity, we've got to bag it up (repeat 4x)

So there you have it. The once-cool songs we grew up with are morphing into some sort of public domain-owned joke song fodder. At least it's kind of funny, if you like lines like "Bacon gives her gas." I think the humor may be a little subjective. I do really like the dramatic way he appears in the shadows with a doody bag, though. That's just good citizenship.

In case you're thinking this is a cop-out of an excuse for a real post, it totally is. Thanks for noticing! More full posts coming soon, I promise.

Boy Band Party Playlist

Although I’m still a few months out from my wedding, this weekend I’m traveling to celebrate with some of my girlfriends for a bachelorette party. In the grand spirit of celebration, potential inebriation, silly sashes, and age-inappropriate tiaras, a collection of 90s mood music seemed in order. What better way, I figured, to get into the celebratory mood than with a boy band pregame playlist? No way better, of course.

Truthfully, the notion for this playlist stemmed from my friends’ slightly embarrassing request that I bring my iPod (my vintage pink 2004 mini model) to the weekend’s festivities. I warned my friend that since I lost the cord to update the iPod sometime around 2005, the playlists have been virtually frozen in time. While she assured me it would be fine and to bring it anyway, I mentally calculated the cheese factor of my carefully constructed party playlists. Deciding the nostalgia appeal outweighed the inevitably embarrassment of these decade plus-old songs, I figured I’d bring out the big guns. By guns, obviously, I mean synthesizers and impressively pitch-perfect prepubescent harmony compositions.

I’ve opted to share the most incriminating of these playlists here with you, with the understanding that you may feel free to mercilessly mock my musical mindset. Go ahead, I can take it. I also promise not to tell if you choose to reconstruct this playlist on your own music device and dance to it alone in your room in preparation for a night out, though I retain that you should probably cite you found the idea here somewhere in your footnotes or elsewhere in your music bibliography. Feel free to fear for my future wedding guests and the inevitable 90s pop-packed playlist I’ll probably roll out for the occasion. For now, though, get pumped up with some of these cornball boy band jams. You’re welcome.

Quit Playing Games with my Heart



This is the closest thing to a slow jam you’ll find on this list, and it serves as a nice transitional warm-up to build momentum for all the cheesy 90s dance music that’s to come. “Quit Playing Games” beat out several veritable contenders for this coveted warm-up spot, including 98 Degrees “I Do (Cherish You)” and All 4 One’s “I Swear.”

(You Got It) The Right Stuff



It’s physically impossible to hear this song without breaking into a hearty chorus of “oh-oh-oh-ohoh! oh-oh-oh-OH!” Seriously, try to stop yourself. It’s like a knee-jerk reflex for 90s children. This song is too magically catchy not to sing along, and that dancing in the video is just too ridiculous to hate on.


When the Lights Go Out



If I’m ever looking for inspiration for creative license for spelling, I should just remind myself of the 90s boy band 5ive. I may not agree that a number is an appropriate substitute for the first letter of that same number spelled out, but I will defend their right to make ridiculous faux-hip hop pop songs with inane lyrics and pulsating beats. That’s just common sense.

I Want it that Way



Judging by the 29 milllion YouTube views on a song that premiered long before we’d ever heard of YouTube, I’d say the Backstreet Boys have a pretty well-established 90s fan base. Their ability to gaze pensively into the camera while dressed in matching monochromatic ensembles isn’t bad, either.

Summer Girls


I’ve posted this video on this site exceedingly more times than is remotely justifiable, but I can’t deny my love for it. It never fails to put me in the mood for summer, plus it kind of makes me want to beg my parents for $79 for obscene cutoff shorts and overpriced shirts that simply read “Abercrombie.”

Tearin’ Up my Heart


NSync - Tearin' up my Heart by SUUZAN

These old *NSync videos are pretty compelling proof that if you’re as good looking as Justin Timberlake, you can someday recover from the corniness of being a teen boy band star and reinvent yourself as cool. To the other guys, sorry. At least you had your moment of looking soulfully into the camera for three seconds before the attention deficit music video director cut to a shot of one of your bandmates being more attractive and interesting than you.

U+Me=Us



This song fits in so well on this list, it’s almost difficult to remember that it’s a parody. The satire of MTV’s 2ge+her is so spot-on that without listening carefully to the lyrics, it’s tough to differentiate it from its allegedly serious real life boy band counterparts. Actually, the lyrics aren’t even that far off, if you go on cheesiness and generic content alone.

I Want you Back

Where exactly do I go about getting one of those super-cool zip-front crewnecks Justin and JC are sporting in the opening shot? Those are pure 90s goodness, though the shiny jackets in the next cutaway come in a close second. I imagine someday our kids will watch these videos and tease us mercilessly that we once idolized this kind of incredibly ridiculous dancing and even bought Darrin’s Dance Grooves to try to replicate them in the privacy of our own homes. Wait, who am I kidding? Our kids won’t even know what music videos are. Someday we’ll wax poetic on the virtues of TRL and they won’t understand a word of it.

Step by Step



Scratch that whole thing about the last video being the cheesiest in the bunch. Rewind a few years and the dancing gets much, much more cornball. This video also has a little cameo by Donny’s little bro, aka Mark Wahlberg, right around 3:45. You might miss it and get distracted by the miming of the violin that follows it, as that is pretty awesome as well.

Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)



This list has made it painfully obvious I was something of a BSB fan back in the day. What can I say, I appreciated their artful music videos. You know, like this one, where their tour bus breaks down and they stranded at a haunted house. It’s the very very poor man’s “Thriller,” except the song has nothing whatsoever to do with what’s going on visually in the video.(Note: the original music video was causing annoying ads on the blog, so please enjoy the lyrics in lieu of actual video.)

Telltale Signs Children of the 90s are Getting Older

You knew it would happen, you just never imagined it would happen to you. One day you’re raging against the machine and bringing the man down while wearing flannel (or if you were more like me, grooving to Ace of Base on your Walkman while donning a Blossom hat) and the next you’re shaking your fist in a crotchety manner and muttering incoherently about the trouble with “kids today.” Where do the years go?

Getting older is inevitable, but the gradual onset of adulthood makes it difficult to pinpoint that exact moment you start to worry about the health of your 401K and can sustain lengthy dinner party conversations about mortgage rates and homeowner association costs. Just in case you’ve been building up a thick shield of denial, Children of the 90s is here to break it down and point out all the glaring signs that you’re just not as young as you used to be. Sounds like fun, right? Here goes:


The Shows you Grew Up With are on Nick at Nite

When we were kids, Nick at Nite was a block of television that featured significantly older and largely black and white sitcoms like I Love Lucy and The Munsters. At some point I must have stopped watching because I was recently shocked to learn that Nick at Nite now plays Home Improvement and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. When did all of the things I grew up with get so retro? Do kids today think of Full House the same way I thought of Mr. Ed? A terrifying prospect indeed.

The Kids on The Real World keep getting Younger

When The Real World premiered in 1992, its stars seemed so grown-up to us children of the 90s. Fast forward 25 seasons and a suspicious trend is emerging: the cast members not only seem to be growing less relevant and more obscure with each year, but also significantly younger. Some may argue that we’re just getting older, but I think it’s all a matter of perspective.

You Still Think of Actors as the Iconic Characters they Portrayed in their Youth

Perhaps you find yourself wondering why Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell and Travis from Clueless are pretending to be lawyers together weeknights on TNT. Or, alternatively, you’re still marveling that Clarissa Darling and Blossom’s brother are involved in weekly madcap manny adventures. Regardless of all of the mold-breaking and serious roles these former teen actors undertake, it can be hard to remove them from the context of the Bop! magazine pullout posters that once plastered our walls.

Your Favorite Teen Pop Stars are Constantly Staging Comebacks

It may seem like only yesterday that young stars like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were shocking audiences with their bare midriffs and provocative dancing, but they’ve long since been replaced by a new generation of teen stars. The teen pop stars we grew up with are desperately clinging to their former sex-symbol statuses, and while many have managed to remain in the limelight it’s often been through tightly managed “comeback” moves and constant reinvention.

Rap Songs all Sound the Same, and the ones you like are by Artists who have been around Twenty Years

Case in point: I still love Jay-Z. His current age? 41. Hardly a representative of young folks today. Other pertinent examples: Snoop Dogg (age 39), P. Diddy (age 41) , Dr. Dre (age 46), Eminem (age 38), 50 Cent (age 35), Nelly (age 36)....need I go on?

It’s finally happened: I’ve turned into the old person who changes the radio station when an irritatingly repetitive rap song comes on. I find myself complaining about the lack of creativity, vulgar lyrics, and overly catchy hooks I can’t get out of my head. When a new rap song I like comes on, nine times out of ten the rapper is older than 35 and has been churning out hits since the early 90s.


Hollywood is already Remaking the Movies you Watched as a Kid

The movie industry is clearly low on new ideas. How else can you explain remaking films as recent as The Karate Kid, Footloose, The Bodyguard, and Total Recall? There are kids out there who don’t even know there was an original Karate Kid, or even if they do, they’re disappointed he couldn’t rap and wasn’t featured in a Justin Bieber song. Truly tragic.


You’ve Lived Through a Full Cycle of Fashion

All you have to do is walk into an American Apparel or Urban Outfitters to realize that their “new arrival” items are a reboot of the what you used to wear in junior high. A quick glance at the American Apparel website shows items like light wash high waisted jeans, neon scrunchies, leggings, and bodysuits. If only you had saved your middle school wardrobe, you’d save yourself a lot of money on new clothes.

Classroom Games or, how our teachers used up the endless minutes they couldn’t fill with educational material

It’s amazing how some childhood experiences can transcend both generations and state lines. I grew up over 1000 miles from my current residence, yet somehow all of my teacher friends here utilize most of the same games and time fillers I knew when I was a child. Either there is some super elaborate network of teacher communication that has been going strong for the last few decades or those who work with children aren’t always as creative as they like to think.

Whatever the reason, any good teacher or substitute always had a few of these classroom games up their sleeve to fill a dreaded five or ten minute gaps in the daily routine. To their credit, these brave adults were essentially locked in an airtight room with us for eight hours a day; even the most innovative of educators has trouble filling a few minutes here or there with no designated activity. In order to fill the void, our crafty teachers utilized some of the following games to keep us organized and discourage general classroom chaos:

Heads Up, Seven Up

Heads up, seven up is like the gold standard in classroom games: everyone played it and everyone inexplicably believed it was worthwhile. There is no real point to the game, but kids eat it up regardless. Many of us spent the better part of our youths with our foreheads pressed firmly against our wooden desks, thumb extended heavenward, obeying silently as a teacher or classmate ordered us, “Heads down, thumbs up!”

The seven lucky chosen ones circulate the room, each pressing down a single classmate’s thumb. Then “Heads up, seven up!” is called, and the players (who mostly cheat mercilessly with glances at shoes) attempt to guess who pushed their thumb. Some people would use tricky tactics like pressing lighter or harder than would be characteristically associated with them, but in general there’s very little chance we could blindly guess at who pushed our thumb.


Hot or Cold

Especially popular with young children, our teachers probably liked Hot or Cold because it was so time consuming. A student would leave the room and the teacher would hide an item somewhere in the classroom. When the student re-entered, the class would direct them toward the hidden item by rating each movement as either “Warm” “Hot” “Cool” or “Cold.” If your teacher was good at hiding things this process could take quite a bit of time, thus keeping us busy for as long as they needed.


Quiet Game

Ah, the quiet game. Is there no moment more satisfying to a teacher than to have tricked his or her entire class into being silent under the ruse of a game? It’s not a game; it’s just being quiet, but someone wins and most kids lose. For some reason, it remains an effective way to silence children in public or on long car trips. There doesn’t even need to be a prize. Just declare someone the “winner,” and children will continue to compete for your attention.


Around the World
At the very least, Around the World was more educational than the other distractions on this list. Usually played with math or other easily flashcardable facts, two students compete to offer the correct answer first. The loser sits back down in the seat, and the winner goes on to battle his or her classmates at flashcard mastery. Teachers used varying rules, but usually whoever made it all the way around the classroom was awarded some sort of prize and tricked into learning multiplication tables.


Hangman

If you think too carefully about it, hangman is a pretty morbid premise for a children’s game. On the upside, we had a chance to practice writing and spelling, but on the downside, the poor man has to be hanged for your inability to guess letters correctly. For those of us who were really horrible at Hangman, our teachers would offer us consolatory hats and ties and other hanged man accessories to further delay ending the game before we finally solved the puzzle. Little did they know they were also setting us up for a lifetime of being awesome at yelling the correct answers out at Wheel of Fortune.


Silent Ball

Kind of like the Quiet Game with a Nerf Ball, Silent Ball was another crafty ploy by our clever teachers to keep us from chatting during downtime. Students stand near their desks and throw the ball quietly to each other. Any bass passes, out-of-bounds throws, or missed catches led to an “out,” meaning you had to sit down in your seat. The last students standing were the winners, but the true winner was the teacher, seeing as how she had figured out how to adapt the Quiet Game for older, less gullible students.

Seriously Strange 90s Children’s Games

As kids, most of us accepted children’s games at the face value at which their producers marketed them to us. It was rare that we would question the validity or normalcy of the games we saw advertised on TV. The catchy jingles encouraged us to beg our parents to buy them for us, and that was that.

Adult hindsight, however, tells a different story. More careful inspection of some of our most coveted highly-advertised games leads us to question the sanity of the people who produced them. There are more than enough crazy toys to mine several posts worth of material, so in this case, I’m just going to focus on the inane board games that by some miracle of bad judgment were green-lighted by R&D into full-scale production:


Grape Escape



I blame my adult love affair with wine with the subliminal messages garnered from endless hours of playing “Grape Escape” All that grape crushing was bound to latently inspire me somehow.The idea of Grape Escape involved constructing play-doh grapes and navigating them around a dangerous game board full of grape-splatting dangers and obstacles. The worst part was our little grapes had faces, so as soon as we’d grown attached to the anthropomorphic little fruit morsels, we had to bear the guilt and responsibility of smushing them with a steam roller.


Gooey Louie

Who exactly was buying this game for their children? When faced with a shelf full of wholesome and sometimes educational game, what kind of adult thinks, “Hey, we should get the nose-picking one!” I’m going to pin the purchases of this game on the so-called “fun uncles.” I can’t imagine many parents being incredibly enthusiastic to shell out $14.99 for their child to pull fake boogers out of a giant face.


Crocodile Dentist

Perhaps a regular game of human dentistry wasn’t quite exciting enough to warrant its own game (let’s face it, it’s no “Operation.”) Someone must have been pitching their dental work game pretty hard when someone around the brainstorm table said, “Hey, let’s make it a crocodile!” I can only imagine everyone else voiced their assent that crocodile dentistry was indeed more interesting than a regular cleaning and checkup and called it a day.


Mr. Bucket



If nothing else, this one deserves a spot on the list for its questionably PG-13 rated commercials. Did no one at Milton Bradley think it may be a potentially bad idea for Mr. Bucket to introduce himself and immediately bring up the balls that come out of his mouth? Seriously, Mr. Bucket, at least buy us a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal or something.

Potentially lewd commercial aside, this game is clearly a ploy by adults to exhaust children using tedious, repetitive tasks. You put balls in the bucket, the bucket pops out the balls, you put the balls back in the bucket...well, you get the idea.


Mousetrap



Has no one ever heard of calling an exterminator? At the very least investing in one of those 25 cent traps from Home Depot. This whole setup seems like a needlessly complicated means of going after a single mouse in the house. When I see a mouse, I never think, “Hey, I should take everything in my house that’s not bolted down, create an elaborate marble maze involving plastic cheese, bathtubs, and falling baskets, and spend several hours waiting for the moon to be in the seventh house and for Jupiter to align to with Mars so the conditions will be auspicious for mouse trapping.” Well, now I might think of it, now that it’s all written out like that. But I’m still not going to do it.


Don’t Wake Daddy



In theory this one makes more sense than several of the other games on this list. The object of the game is to not awaken the snoring plastic father while trying to sneak to the kitchen to fix yourself a midnight snack. I can’t say for sure, but was this perhaps one of those extreme anti-obesity households where they secure the cupboards with padlocks at night?

Whatever the reason for the stealthy snack operation, the means of trying not to wake Daddy are certainly questionable. If you land on a space that indicates you must make a noise, you have to pound Daddy’s alarm clock repeatedly. Now I’m not a sleep expert, but I have to imagine that setting and continually re-setting an alarm clock is not the best way to ensure someone stays asleep.