Though Shannon's been the only brave soul so far to grace us with her amazing personal photos for the Children of the 90s Glamour Shots challenge, I did just receive a stellar tip from reader Renata. I could not live with myself if I didn't share this with my loyal readers, for fear of depriving you of the most spectacular glamour ever shot by mall studio stylists. Are you ready? I really hope you're ready, because there's nothing I can say that could prepare you for this moment of pure Glamour Shots glory.
I have long been a fan ofAwkard Family Photos, but somehow I must have missed this Glamour Shots gem. There's really no excuse for me dropping the ball on this one, because it's far too precious for me to have ignored. Bless me, Awkward Family Photos, for I have sinned. It has been 2 months since my last visit, and in this time I missed the mother (and daughters!) of all Glamour Shots.
Disclaimer: None of these fine jacket-nabbers are my readers, though I wish they were. If you ladies are out there, I implore you to make contact. You are my Glamour Shot posing heroes.
Behold the queen of all 90s Glamour Shots, a look Renata has wisely dubbed the "Quadruple Jacket Nabber." That's right, not one, not two, not three, but four simultaneous signature GS jacket nabs. I think the dead-eyed get-me-out-of-here expression on that girl second from the end says it all.
And look, that girl on the far left has the very same jacket they gave Shannon in her photo shoot. I guess their national wardrobe consultant felt this was an item each store simply could not live without. "Alright guys, it's going to be the studded jean jacket with the lace sleeves for all of our major markets. Let's throw some triple-reinforced collars on those babies while we're at it. These beauties have got to have the strength to withstand the constant nabbing."
If any of you are still harboring Glamour Shots, I urge you to surrender them for the greater good of 90s children everywhere and email them to childrenofthe90s@gmail.com. Many thanks to Renata for the GS tip!
If you believe daytime TV is growing increasingly trashier each year, raise your hand. If this is a toughie, I'll give you all a minute or two to think it over. All right, time's up. You ready? Heads down, hands up. No peeking, I'll take a count.
It's officially unanimous. I know it, you know, the American people know it. Elsewhere across the globe, people are scratching their heads and saying, "Wow, is it just me, or has daytime TV really taken a turn?" That's just a rough translation from Estonian, of course, but you get the point.
Ricki Lake
Slimmed-downHairspray alum Ricki Lake hosted this eponymous daytime talk rag, tantalizing us with the tawdriest of topics. Ricki's show was trashy, pure and simple. We loved dragging out the alleged perpetrator--be it cheating or, in the above case, cousin marryin'--and hissing and booing them to our hearts' collective content.
The satisfying thing about these shows wasn't so much that they were scandalous, but rather that they made us feel better about our own vanilla Wonderbread mundane lives. Sure, we weren't out there wrestling alligators and winning Nobel Prizes, but we also weren't marrying our cousins. Ricki's show served as a sort of trashiness litmus test, and unless you're gazing at a current photo of you and a close relative locked in a passionate embrace, I'd say you passed.
Geraldo
We all like a good fight now and then, but Geraldo really knew how to drive the point home. Early in his series (1988), he invited a slew of ideologically mismatched hate spewers and social activists to duke it out onscreen. Geraldo put skinheads and neo-Nazis onstage with Jewish and black activists and surprise of surprises, it got ugly. Remember, this was just the beginning, but you've got to admire him laying it all out there so early in the game.
Geraldo started strong, but went soft on us by the mid-to-late 90s. They re-spun his show as the more formally titled Geraldo Rivera Show and attempted to showcase a softer, more serious host. Clearly their hosts had missed the memo that people watched tabloid talk shows for the trashiness factor. I mean, we all got the memo. Also, I heard they forgot to file their TPS reports. For shame.
Jenny Jones
Jenny Jones was a Springer-like daytime offering, with only slightly less skeezy topical content. It was, nonetheless, absolutely ridiculous. I mean, there was a show called You May Shake it for Money, But Leave Those Sexy Clothes at the Club, Honey! I'm not saying I wouldn't watch it, I'm just disparaging the writers' poor rhyming scheme.
The Jenny Jones show is now infamous for its implications in a murder case, the crime committed following an appearance on Jones's show. The Ambush was a popular 90s talk show trope as unsuspecting guests were confronted without warning. Michigan native John Smitz came on the show to learn of a secret admirer only to find that the mysterious source of affection was not a woman as he expected but one of his male acquaintances. Reportedly "humiliated" by the incident, Smitz fatally shot his male admirer just days after the episode was filmed. And you thought those episodes about wayward teens bombed. Talk about putting a damper on things.
The Phil Donahue Show
Yep, that's Donahue getting told by Marilyn Manson. Sorry, pal, he only likes the trashier talk shows. Tough break.
Yes, the snowy-haired Donahue we knew in the 90s had already racked up a good twenty years in the talk show business at that point, but his show was pretty adept at keeping up with the times. Despite his increasing resemblance to that old guy from Up, Donahue kept with it for awhile.
Unfortunately for our boy Phil, the incredibly overstocked marketplace of daytime talk shows eventually squeezed him out. While once he'd reigned over the airwaves, new and more salacious (read: shameless) shows eventually got the better of his once-loyal audience. Once upon a time they may have been shocked to hear about the dangers of reverse vasectomies, it seemed pretty tame in comparison to stories of incorrigible six-year olds hell bent on becoming strippers. Or, you know, whatever other filth his opponents were cooking up and serving to us in our daily dose of daytime dirt.
Jerry Springer
Jerry Springer is perhaps the most notorious of these daytime tabloid talk show hosts, if nothing else than for the sheer volume of fights per episode. You'd think his guest simply spend their lives looking for someone to punch in the face, yearning to be held back by a beefy humorless security guy.
Springer is pure entertainment and pretty much no substance, but it doesn't masquerade itself as much other than a sensationalist freakshow. It's like going to the car races to see a fiery fatal crash. You're horrified, but you also just can't look away. It's like some sort of magnetic force field that tugs your vocal chords and prompts you to chant, "Jerry! Jerry!" till everyone onstage has been sufficiently beaten up.
Sally Jessy Raphael
Sally Jessy didn't just have a fun-to-say name, she also had a fun-to-impersonate look. Inasmuch, her show sometimes paraded males costumed in Sally Jessy drag, each more huge glasses-ed and signaturely crop-topped than the last. Actually, tons of Sally's shows featured all sorts of drag queens, whether in pageants or singing showcases. I have no idea why. At least they had the kind sense to call them "female impersonators". Very professional.
Raphael was even spoofed by the usually benign Sesame Street. Now that's how you know you've made it, when there's a grouch character modeled after you:
Maury Povich
A long long time ago, in a galaxy lightyears from here, Maury Povich's show was not simply the who's-your-baby-daddy parade it is today. Back in the 90s, he also used to cover topics like out-of-control overweight babies and irrational snail phobias. These days, though, he's not quite so classy. I'm pretty sure he has some sort of autopilot mode that intones deeply, "The lie detector test determined that that was a lie. You are not the father!"
The Montel Williams Show
Montel pulled what shall now be referred to as a "reverse-Maury" or a "Geraldo special" depending on your point of view and/or preference for well-groomed mustaches. The show started out trashy and actually moved out of the genre rather into the gaping void of the morally empty abyss. The show's later years were characterized by inspirational tales of overcoming adversity and succeeding in the face of life challenges. In other words? It got boring. Bring back silicone breast implant nightmares!
Oprah
How can you not love a woman who brings out a big ol' barrel of fat to document her own embarrassing diet struggles? That's just good TV.
No one can deny that Oprah is one of the most powerful and influential women alive. She tells us what our favorite things are and we dutifully go purchase $50 cookie dough and cashmere ponchos. She tells us what to read and we eagerly seek her sanctioned stamp of approval at bookstores everywhere. Everyone wanted to talk to her. Even the often elusive Michael Jackson (video above) opened up to her. She's like a good girlfriend we all just want to spill our guts to. In front of millions of people. To possibly get a free car. Thanks, O.
Love them or hate them, these shows expose a deep inner part of our human nature, one for which we yearn to see the complete and totally ridiculous humiliation of others to make ourselves feel better. Some of these shows have grown more salacious with age while others have tamed their trashtastic inner beasts, but in the 90s, the tabloid talk show ruled. Heck, we grew up with it, and we turned out okay, right? Now excuse me while I go file a slew of paternity suits.
We all know those people whose daily utterings are littered with movie quotes. It's almost as if these folks can't think in any terms outside of the predetermined language of film. While those people may be endlessly irritating, we've all been guilty at one point or another--especially in our younger years--of parroting unforgettable movie lines at whatever we considered to be an opportune time. Behold, some of the most quoted movie catch phrases of the 1990s:
"Show Me the Money"/"You had me at Hello"/"You Complete Me" (Jerry Maguire)
Talk about wide-ranging quotability. Jerry Maguire was the kind of movie men and women could see together and both enjoy. Rather than grumbling at being dragged along for the millionth time to some tearjerker romance or inspiring football story, we could go see both elements squeezed into a single movie. Now that's efficiency.
These lines encompassed both the tear-jerkingly sentimental and big beefy tacklingly manly sides of Jerry Maguire. It was a simpler time, a time before Cuba Gooding Jr. was starring in hot messes about accidental gay cruise vacations and Tom Cruise wasn't accusing Matt Lauer of glibness. Back in 1996, there were no two people we'd rather quote.
"I'm the King of the World!" (Titanic)
To this day, I can't watch Titanic without feeling like I'm cheating a little bit. How dare I let these characters romp freely and happily, leaving steamy handprints on antique car windows and proclaiming their royal rulership over the world when I know what's in store for them? No one went into theaters thinking, "Hey, maybe they'll make it out okay this time," not just from our robust knowledge of nautical history but by the fact that most teen girls cried their eyes out at this one in theaters at least twice.
Jack's proclamation while written no doubt with good intention was just a tad over the top, and I'm not just talking about his physical placement on the boat. The line was actually voted the cheesiest movie moment ever http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6662425/, just edging out Dirty Dancing's "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" Let me just say, if you're coming in ahead of that one, you should probably be concerned.
"You Can't Handle the Truth!" (A Few Good Men)
Many a time have I wished for Jack Nicholson's indescribable coolness. He has a certain je ne sais quoi that allows him to frolick on beaches with his oversized gut exposed, balding head glinting in the sunlight, still inexplicably making you wish you could bottle just a fraction of his suaveness. His performance in A Few Good Men is no exception, as he makes all of us wish we'd all been the first to pound the courtroom table forcefully and accuse our underlings of overstepping their roles. Better yet, Nicholson nailed the scene in one take, meaning he got that right on the first try. Some people have all the luck. And the best sunglasses, too.
"Allllrighty Then" (Ace Ventura)
If you grew up during the 90s anywhere near the general proximity of a movie theater, it's pretty certain you quoted Ace Ventura nonstop from 1994 to 1995. While he's mellowed with age and taken more grown-up roles in recent years, in the 90s Jim Carrey was like catnip to children. We just couldn't get enough. If he talked through his butt, we would talk through our butts. If he christened bald bespectacled men "the Monopoly guy" we'd no doubt follow suit. Or in this case, Hawaiian shirt.
"Hasta Lavista, Baby" (The Terminator)
You may not know, but once upon a time Arnold Schwarzenegger was not just a mild-mannered California gubernatorial force, but a bad to the metal core ass-kicking name-taking robot. If only all of our politicians had gotten their start this way, maybe our senate chambers wouldn't be packed with flabby girlymen. If this line doesn't have you shaking in your robot-combative boots, don't worry. He'll be back.
"There's No Crying in Baseball!" (A League of Their Own)
Coach Jimmy Dugan obviously has a questionable understanding of women when they bring in the former major leaguer as a coach for the All-American Girls' Professional Baseball League. For God's sake, his team is called the Peaches. How can he be shocked when they're so thin-skinned?
"Houston, We Have a Problem" (Apollo 13)
In this true-story account of the plague-ridden Apollo 13 space mission, astronaut John Lovell (played again by Tom Hanks) utters this famous line. I'm sorry to be the ones to break this to you, but Lovell didn't actually say, "Houston, we have a problem." He actually said, "I believe we've had a problem here" followed by "Houston, we've had a problem." I know, it's sort of hair-splitting, but screenwriters really really wanted to push this line into the present tense to augment the action. Poor Lovell's going to be misquoted for life.
"Momma Always Said Life is Like a Box of Chocolates. You Never Know What You're Gonna Get" (Forrest Gump)
Were there any movies in the 90s that Tom Hanks wasn't in? Forrest Gump was the story of a simple Alabama man, and Hanks as Gump taught us to suspend our judgment by giving us little gems of wisdom issued by his mother (played by Sally Field." She said some other things, but I always liked this one best. If you can compare anything to chocolate, it will instantly become about two hundred times more relatable for me. Mmm, chocolate.
"Ya, You Betcha" (Fargo)
As a native Minnesotan, I feel the need to take a stand. Yes, Fargo is amusing, but it's also opened the floodgates of Minnesotan-directed mocking, namely at our alleged accents. We don't really talk like that. Uff-da, we're really just a bunch of normal people eating hotdish and complaining about our cars not starting in the winter, dontcha know?
"Whatever!"/"As if!" (Clueless)
Clueless brought us an entirely new teen lexicon based on the vacuous prattle of superficial young girls. Following in the footsteps of other great teen movies, it introduced a set of teen-specific vocabulary that quickly filtered into youth culture. You can even find Clueless slang glossaries http://www.jasa.net.au/study/cslang.htm online. So here's the 411 on speaking Clueless: all you Bettys and Baldwins need to stop buggin' and haul ass to your loca lvideo store (if any still exist) and check out this movie. It's like way famous. At least put it in your Netflix queue.
"Yeah, Baby!" (Austin Powers)
Mike Myers as Sir Austin Danger Powers poked fun at the dashing action heroes of the 60s and 70s, transporting a (literally) frozen-in-time spy into the 90s. Everyone knows you can't thwart an evil villain bent on world takeover without a fun-loving attitude and some signature catch phrases. For years to come--and through all of the subsequent sequels--moviegoers everywhere spouted off these signature lines at every turn. If I never hear another person ask, "Do I make you horny, baby? Do I?" it'll be too soon.
"Schwing!"/"We're Not Worthy!" (Wayne's World)
Schwing is still an awesome euphemism for a bodily reaction we have yet to name otherwise. When Wayne and Garth saw a hot chick or even discussed one on their show...schwing! If you're still at a loss, you either need to watch the movie or visit Urban Dictionary. Really, though, this is probably something you should have picked up on in the 90s. You're clearly not worthy.
Whether you loved or hated these lines, it's irrefutable that they were everywhere in the 90s. We may as well embrace it. They complete us.
Disclaimer: None of these fine jacket-nabbers are my readers, though I wish they were. If you ladies are out there, I implore you to make contact. You are my Glamour Shot posing heroes. 
