Children of the Nineties One-Hit Wonder Mash-Up : 1999

We're still working our way (albeit extremely gradually) through the one-hit wonders of the 1990s. Up today: 1999, a glorious year for wildly popular songs from a group of artists who for the most part quietly faded into obscurity. 1999 was particularly ripe with one-hit phenomenons, giving us some of the most memorable and inexplicably bizarre top-charting hits of the decade.

In many of these cases, it's more than clear why an outrageously top-selling follow-up was not in the cards for these performers. The general public felt we have heard more than enough from many of these artists; without this sentiment, we may have been subjected to such unnecessary hits as "Green (Do Bee Do)." No thanks.

That said, a few of these acts seemed fairly promising and capable of a long career. For whatever reason, though, even the legitimate musicians among this group have since been relegated to has-been status--at least in the eyes of the pop music charts. It's a tough business, but hopefully they're still milking the royalties from their ubiquitous play in grocery stores and dentist offices. We can only hope.


B*witched: C'est La Vie



Just from the intro, you know this song doesn't take itself especially seriously. The Irish girl group begins their top-charting hit with the spoken exchange, "Some people think I look like me dad," "What? Are you serious?" Brilliant. It's all uphill from here though, from the Three Little Pigs huffing and puffing wolf reference to the ultimately necessary traditional Irish music dance break.


Lou Bega: Mambo No. 5



Lou Bega's cover of Perez Prado's 1949 jive hit quickly shot to popularity, resulting in innumerable parodies of the song's lyrics and structure. None, though, perhaps as ridiculous as the version Lou Bega himself recorded for the G-rated Radio Disney cut. There's no real words to describe the ridiculousness of replacing "liquor store" with "candy story" and extolling the virtues of "A little bit of Minnie in my life/A little bit of Mickey by her side."


Everlast: What It's Like



Ah, now here's a pick-me-up--the story of a beggar outside the liquor store, a pregnant teenager contemplating abortion, and a violent-prone guy with an alcohol problem. Everlast sang the blues over mainstream society's indifference to the plight of the less fortunate. A legitimate and powerful message, no doubt, but not exactly the cheeriest song to top the 1999 charts.


New Radicals: You Get What You Give



"You Get What You Give" is a classic upbeat ode to youth culture, featuring a classic "be yourself" feel-good message. No matter how many times I listen to this song, I've yet to accomplish the difficult feat of actually memorizing all of the lyrics. To this day, the extent of my ability to sing along with this song is, "Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson, Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson....[unknown]...we'll kick your ass in!" I know there's got to be more than that, but my brain is clearly not wired to remember it.


Eiffel 65: Blue (Da Ba Dee)



Of all of the strange one-hit wonders out there, this has to be one of the strangest. It really pushes the rationale of quality equals popularity for mainstream music. "Blue" truly a difficult song to defend on the basis of quality, though its undeniable catchiness is no doubt the foundation of its rise to fame. It's a serious earworm; one listen and you're destined to be humming this one all day.


Eagle-Eye Cherry: Save Tonight



There's something uniquely appealing about a song with a highly repetitive chorus and lyrics. Eagle Eye Cherry managed to repeat the words, "Save tonight" and "Tomorrow I'll be gone" so many times that they will be forever burned into our memory centers. Oddly enough, I have heard "Save Tonight" numerous times over the past few years sung as a campfire song. Perhaps the simplicity of the chords is to blame, but I can't say I saw that one coming a decade back.


Baz Luhrmann: Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)



Yes, the directorial force behind Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge is the voice of the "Wear Suncreen" song. The song was adapted from a Chicago Tribune column geared toward giving the class of 1997 some "advice, like youth, probably wasted on the young." An urban legend sprung up that the speech was one given as a commencement address by Kurt Vonnegut, a rumor that bore no fruit but spoke volumes about the power of the internet to pull stuff out of nowhere.


Shawn Mullins: Lullaby



Here's another song that shows a song doesn't need to be all sunshine and smiles to top the charts. Shawn Mullins' melancholy tone resonated well with listeners and made for an easy sing-along with its chorus of "Everything's going to be all right, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye." To this day, I still think of LA as "Nashville with a tan." Thanks, Mullins.


Vengaboys: We Like to Party



"We like to party, we like to party, we like to party, we like to party....We like to party! We like! We to party!" With lyrics like those, how could you not have a hit on your hands? It's tough to imagine the endless laborious hours that went into crafting the perfect words to express the Vengaboy's fondness of partying. Luckily, they had the Vengabus as an apt setting for making the magic happen.


Tal Bachman: She's So High



Whenever I worry about how I measure up to someone potentially superior, I simply use the following litmus test: Is she like Cleopatra? How about Joan of Arc? Any similarities to Aphrodiiiiiiiite? If so, she's probably pretty high above me. A foolproof system.


Len: Steal My Sunshine



If you're looking for a light and fluffy summer song to play out by the pool, "Steal My Sunshine" ought to shoot to the top of your list. It's airy and fun with little substance, making it a perfect choice for a poolside song. I'm still at a loss for the meaning of Len's album title, "You Can't Stop the Bum Rush." Maybe some Canadians out there can enlighten me, but I've always assumed it translates to exactly what it sounds like. Gross.

A Little Stick Stickly to Hold You Over for this Long Weekend

Happy Summer, y'all! In the spirit of summertime laziness, Children of the 90s is going on vacation a day early. Don't worry, I'm not going to leave you totally high and dry. I will never let my own laziness stand in the way of you getting your prescription-strength daily dose of 90s nostalgia.

As the major pervasive theme around here this week has been summer (and, for some reason, Sister, Sister--I just got creative) here's a lovely little slice of 90s Nickelodeon summertime greatness. I'm proud to present Nick in the Afternoon popsicle stick icon Stick Stickly in his very own half hour special, "Oh, Brother!" I can safely place it in my top ten full-length popsicle stick starring made-for-TV specials. Okay, maybe top eleven. Either way, it's pretty cute. Enjoy!







That's all I've got for you on today--it's vacation time. Well, technically, stay-cation, but there will be pool sessions and barbecues aplenty. If any of you are lucky enough to be going on vacation for this long weekend, feel free to brag about your plans in the comments section to make the rest of us very, very jealous. Have a great Memorial Day weekend (to those of you in the States) and we'll see you back here Tuesday!

Outdoor Toys of the 80s and 90s

If you're a regular reader, it should be pretty clear your loyal 90s nostalgia chronicler has a serious case of summer fever. As we close in on Memorial Day weekend, the prospect of summertime fun is almost too much to bear. Granted, I don't have any water balloon fights or Jart tournaments scheduled, but the notion of sunshine and the great outdoors still elicits a childlike level of euphoria. For the record, my weekend is still open for Jart tournaments if you're interested in setting something up.

It's a safe bet to say we will never fully recapture that childhood school's-out-for-the-summer level of excitement; there is simply no adult equivalent to that level of anticipation. All the Moon Shoes in the world couldn't eliminate the grown-up stressors we face year round. Though, to be fair, I imagine it would help. Open reader plea: send Moon Shoes. That is all.

Though we may not be able to reignite the spark of summer vacation excitement, we can at least reminisce about some of the toys that made our summertimes so special. If you're lucky, maybe you still have some of these items lying around. Seriously, what I wouldn't do for a Skip-It right about now. Forget the gym membership--that little pink piece of plastic is way more motivating exercise.


Skip-It


Who could have foreseen that strapping a little plastic ball and chain to your ankle could provide hours of endless entertainment? That little progressive counter on the side tapped into the competitive child psyche, allowing us to compete against our friends and our own personal bests while playing quietly in the driveway. I imagine our parents were thrilled for the long-stretches of easily amused and generally exhausting play.


Rollerblades

Kids today may not believe it, but many of us were around for a time when rollerskates were still the gold standard in wheeled footwear. Inline skates were modeled after ice skates, intended for training use on dry land. Soon they were all the rage, a trend from which many of us learned the value of a deeply skinned knee. Regardless, rollerblades will forever be superior to today's alternative. Don't even get me started on those wheelie sneakers. Every time I see a kid rolling by me at the mall, I yearn to buy him a pair of rollerblades. They just don't know what they're missing.


Moon Shoes


The advertisements for Nickelodeon moon shoes were everywhere, though I never actually knew anybody that owned a pair. Had I been better connected on the playground, perhaps I could have experienced the wonder of spring walking firsthand. Alas, I will never know the gravity-reduced wonder of moonwalking. Until that whole colonization thing goes down. Or maybe if I become a great Michael Jackson-style dancer. Either way.


Super Soakers


One of the most effective ways to beat the summer heat is with a water fight, and we all know the key to winning a water fight lies in the proper arsenal of weaponry. Armed with our Super Soakers, we could outblast flimsy conventional water guns. In case you're not big on Super Soaker trivia, you may be interested to know they were originally branded as Power Drenchers. Or maybe you won't be. Who knows. Either way, the toy makers obviously got their hands on a thesaurus somewhere down the line.


Power Wheels


These much-coveted but oft-denied overpriced mini vehicles undoubtedly caused many temper tantrums over the years. We just couldn't understand why our parents wouldn't shell out the big bucks for one of these babies. If only I'd gotten the mock motorbike I wanted, I could be a bona fide Kawasaki ninja by now. At the very least, I'd hold a chance at being a proficient Barbie Jeep operator.


Nerf Balls
Finally, a company that recognizes kids throw things at one another and it can really, really hurt. Through the clever use of foam, the quantity of bruises per square inch decreased dramatically. Getting hit in the face just got that much more bearable. Thanks, Nerf!


Little Tykes Cozy Coupe


Here's a fact you might not know about your favorite child-sized vehicle: In the early 90s, it was reported that the Cozy Coupe had outsold both the Ford Taurus and Honda Accord, making it one of the bestselling cars of the time. It's certainly more economical than a Taurus or Accord, plus it gets way better gas mileage. The downside? Sore feet from all the Flintstone-style acceleration. You can't win 'em all.


Lawn Darts (Jarts)


Ah, finally a toy that combines the tranquil peacefulness of lawns with the terrifying risk of death by impalement. I'm not sure how or why these toys ever eked past the watchful eye of safety experts and parent groups, but somehow they made it into production and onto toy store shelves. It wasn't long before the US and Canada issued a ban on the sale of Lawn Darts and urged consumers to "discard or destroy them immediately." Yikes.


Slip n'Slide


Speaking of dangerous yard toys, here's a classic example of how innocent concepts can go very very wrong. I'll give you a hint when setting up your own slip n' slide: try your best to avoid cement or a downhill descent into a wall/sidewalk/pile of jagged rocks/any other bone breakin', tooth chippin' slide stopper. It sounds like common sense, but you may be surprised how many people failed to consider the consequences until their child was hobbling around in a cast or sling for the remainder of the summer.

Also, note to college students: It may seem like a good idea to combine a slip n' slide with alcohol. It is not. Believe me. Resist your instincts. Your limbs will thank me.