So, I have a confession to make. Since we've all been being honest and doing lots of sharing here at Children of the 90s this week, I guess I'll just lay it out straight for you. I had every intention of putting up a full post for today, but you ever-patient readers are going to have to wait till Monday. I just can't contain my excitement over the criminally nostalgic stash of 90sness I've assembled for my 500 follower celebratory giveaway. I've put in what can only be described as an insane amount of effort into amassing some 90s goodies, and this level of personal time investment can't be reduced to just a link at the bottom of a post. I can only hope you all like the 90s gift basket I've assembled half as much as I do. If you don't, I'm a bit worried I might end up keeping it myself.
I love giveaways and I've thought a lot about doing one of my own, but the timing never seemed quite right. Until now, that is, when I had a day off brimming with spare time to search far and wide for the most memorable 90s items still available. It wasn't easy; most of the stuff we get all glassy-eyed about over here no longer graces the shelves at our favorite stores. The new versions of many of our favorite toys pale in comparison. And the ones that don't (I'm looking at you, awesome new Bop It) are out of my giveaway price range.
That said, I think you are going to get pretty pumped over the giveaway fruits of my 90s searching labors. I live right by one of the largest used bookstores in the country, so imagine my delight to find just how many awesome authentic items were available at my fingertips in like-new condition. Granted, it's hard to come by mint editions of these items, and I'm all about health and safety and not getting sued so I'm going to forego the discontinued foods route. Nope, what I've put together is a fun little cross section of 90s childhood, conveniently packaged and delivered to your doorstep. Assuming you win, that is.
This could be you! With better fashion color sense, though
Just to give you an idea of what I went through to bring you this superior childhood nostalgia-themed givewaway, imagine the reaction of a checkout employee when they see you bounding toward the register with the following items in tow. The Half-Price Books cashier was pretty cool, he looked to be maybe a few years older than me. He definitely gave me the single raised eyebrow (a talent I have yet to achieve) and asked, "So...are these for you?" I wish I was better at real-life self promotion, in which case I would have responded brightly, "No, they're for a super reader giveaway at my always-growing 90s themed website! Come check it out!" Instead I mumbled, "Um...no," and busied myself searching in my purse.
To the credit of my selections though, they definitely met the approval of my cashier. He waxed poetic about the virtues of Goosebumps and Choose Your Own Adventure books, calling them "kick-ass" and giving me a great in to tell him all about Children of the 90s. Luckily for all of you, I was too embarrassed from coming to the register with a heaping armload of 90s children's items, so that means a better chance of winning for all of you! I'm sure if I've been wearing one of our soon-to-exist Children of the 90s T-shirts, though, it would have made an easy and less embarrassing segue into explanation of my purchases. Keep an eye out here, because these shirts are coming. Soonish.
Here's how it works: to gain one entry into the Children of the 90s Nostalgia-Fest 2010 Giveaway, simply comment below and mention which of the items you'd be most excited about winning. Remember, they're all a package deal, but I'm curious to see how my choices go over. To gain a second entry into the giveaway, become a follower on Blogger and let me know in your comment. For a third, become a Facebook fan and drop a note in the comments. For the fourth and final available entry, let me know if you've tweeted or blogged about the giveaway. It just that easy!
One last thing: due to my meager paycheck-induced poverty, I have yet to replace my now-broken digital camera. I was able to find images of all of the items online, but none are the actual images of the items. I promise, though, they do exist, and they all look almost exactly like the photos Google images was sweet enough to round up for me. I think that's about it for the fine print. Without further ado, I present to you...(*drumroll*) the contents of the first ever Children of the 90s Nostalgia Fest giveaway! (*resounding applause*)
All this could be yours!
Disney Magic Eye Milk Moustache Mania
A book of many of the the popular milk mustache campaign ads with background information. What's not to love?
Goosebumps: My Hairiest Adventure
Help! I'm Trapped in My Teacher's Body
BSC Super Special #11: The Baby-Sitters Remember
Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul
Magic Grow Capsules:
(Again, photo not of actual item....you get wildlife, not dinosaurs! Who doesn't love wildlife?)
Rainbow Nerds Lisa Frank Sticker Dreams
This is a new pack, so we've got some updated designs here. They're on a roll so I can't see all of them, but I do see a painting panda bear. That one seems pretty promising. Anyway, in case there's no scale here...this pack is tiny. It includes 100 stickers, but they're all of the miniature variety.
And....la piece de resistance: THE ADVENTURES OF PETE AND PETE SEASON 1 on DVD!!
Don't forget to read the above rules to maximize your entries :) The giveaway will close Wednesday, February 17. Good luck! Comment below to indicate your entries.
I've got to say, this has been a lot of fun. I love writing Children of the 90s, but I don't get a lot of opportunities to interact with readers. You all came up with some great questions, many of which had me pacing and deliberating over responses. I mean, really, how does one choose between JTT and Devon Sawa? It's a dilemma that might exceed the reach of even my 90s imagination. A quandry for the ages.
I powered through the tough ones, though, to answer all your burning questions. Well, maybe burning isn't the right word. If it applies to anything you asked, I'd recommend your question sees a doctor immediately. Anyway, if anyone else has any questions or suggestions for posts, feel free to email me at childrenofthe90s@gmail.com. Thanks everyone for your great questions and kind comments and I'm looking forward to bringing you plenty more nostalgic pop culture entertainment in the coming months. I'm also scouting for some exciting giveaway prizes, so keep your eyes out for some forthcoming 90s swag.
Without further ado, your answers:
Shannon asks, "Do you have any nostalgic collections?"
I'll be straight with you, this one isn't mine, it's from Google images. Impressive, though, right?
I used to, which I guess would mean that collections themselves were not nostalgic at the time but rather that I'm nostalgic for them now. I used to collect troll dolls. I had a pretty massive collection, but I imagine most of them have gone the way of the yard sale or the Goodwill collection. I'm still kicking myself for not saving my well-maintained pog collection. I'm not sure what I'd use them for now, but I do sort of miss them.
Now that I think about it, I do have one small collection that pays homage to my childhood: my much-glorified Golden Girls DVDs. Yep, I've got Seasons 1-7, and I watch it everyday while I get ready for work. Mock me if you must, but that show will never lose its timeless hilarity. Even the dated 80s and 90s pop culture reference jokes make me laugh.
Ooh, that's a tough one. The classic 90s teenybopper divide. My first-ever concert was actually the Backstreet Boys Larger Than Life tour when I was in 8th grade. I screamed, I cried, I fought a girl in the row behind me for a teddy bear dropped from a ceiling-dangling Nick. I guess the festering wounds of that stuffed animal loss never quite healed, because I was really more of an *NSYNC girl. My unwavering devotion to Justin was cultlike in its fidelity.
Cee asks, "What made you want to blog about 90s stuff? Did you have a blog before? Basically, how was this fab blog "born"?"
Good question. Sometimes it makes me laugh when people email me asking if I sell Puppy Surprises or if I know the obscure name of their local rural children's radio DJ 20 years back. I have a confession to make...I don't know anything special about the 90s. Well, actually that's not true. I do now, after churning out daily posts for the last 250 days, but when I started I was just trying out a niche topic.
It actually all started with my boyfriend, so I suppose you can thank him or blame him depending on how much valuable time you've lost to the site. I'd been talking to him about how I loved to write, and I'd love to get in a practice of writing daily so I could eventually write a book. By eventually I meant in 20 years, but he's far less patient (read: less lazy) than me. He convinced me to start something up. I didn't have a blog before, actually. I didn't want to make it personal because I was afraid of being blog-outed at work. Of course, a lot of personal anecdotes started slipping in; I couldn't keep it totally objective. If I wanted to write anything funny, I realized I'd probably have to lay myself down on the altar of shame and sacrifice blackmail-worthy past humiliations for the greater good of 90s entertainment.
I'd spent hours on sites like Cakewrecks and Stuff White People Like, so I started thinking of something I could write about daily with the goal of sticking to about 1000 words or more. Obviously I had no idea what I was getting into, but I'm really enjoying the experience nonetheless!
Tara asks, "Does it ever get hard to think of something 90's to blog about? Do you think a time will come when you'll just run out?"
I definitely didn't draw this, but I wish I had. Isn't it amazing?
I'd have to say yes and maybe. To the first question, it definitely is tougher than I thought. When I started, I had infinite possibilities, which of course I squandered on my then reader-less blog. I actually put together a sort of "master list" of ideas. I managed to come up with about 300, which is clearly insane and represents the inordinate amount of downtime I have at the office. I actually participated in a Google Blogger study, and I was a little embarrassed when they asked to see this master list through screen-sharing. Even over the phone, I'm pretty sure they were judging me.
That said, I didn't realize going into this what a major commitment it is to write so much each day. Also, my childhood was definitely not the same as everyone else's, so it gets more difficult to think of topics to which significant proportion of 20-somethings could relate. I've learned to save websites that interest me, pick up a book or two at used book stores, and to generally keep my eyes out for anything I think might be funny and/or memorable.
Andy asks, "Of all the SNICK shows, which was your favorite and why?
That's a tough one. I'd love to act cool and say Are You Afraid of the Dark? but really I was a huge wimp as a kid. It totally gave me nightmares. I still think sometimes about that weird red swamp thing that lived in the pool...*shudder*. I'd have to say my favorite was The Secret World of Alex Mack. I would've given anything to hang out with Larissa Oleynik and see how they made her turn into a puddle of mirrored liquid. She was just too cool.
It's like you broke into my 13-year old mind and found all of the Bop! foldouts plastering its walls. It's almost a tie, but I think Devon Sawa really got me in Now and Then. My friend told me you could see him running naked through the woods and we tried forever to pause it at just the right moment. Never did catch it, but the fun was in the chase. Taylor Hanson or Nick Carter?
Nick Carter, for sure. See above my resounding bitterness about not getting to keep that teddy bear he dropped at the concert.
The Wonder Years or Boy Meets World?
That's like asking someone which of their children they love more. I loved both so dearly, though my teenage years intersected more closely with Boy Meets World. I do think Wonder Years pulled the plug in time where BMW kept the show going well past its sell-by date. Either way, I'd have to say it's a toss-up.
Brunch at Saks asks, :I have been going crazy over this for a LONG time (like going on 10 years) so hear me out! When I was 8 yrs old- so roughly 93/94- I tried out to be a kid correspondent on FOX Kids. I'm sure you remember the run of shows that they would play in the morning or afternoon block, and in between the shows they would have short segments where kids would report the news. In my auditions I would do screen tests with the main male (adult) host on this show, and for the life of me I cannot remember his name! I know he was popular because when I showed kids at school my pictures with him they all thought it was so cool to meet him! I think his name was Chris something, but all of my Wikipedia and IMDB searches leave me with nothing! I also can't really find anything about the news show itself, so any info you could dig up or know of yourself would be such a help to piecing together this bad memory of mine!"
Wow, that i quite the question. First of all, I'm beyond jealous of your FOX Kids experience. Did you ever make it as a correspondent? Is it possible it was a local program? In a brief search, I found Chris Leary, a personality on the Fox Kids radio show. http://www.kyranthia.net/countdown.html It doesn't sound like he was on TV, though. I also found Chris Eddy http://www.dorkclub.com/?p=34, but he sounds possibly local to the Northern California region.
Or, was it maybe this guy:
I don't think any of these are what you're talking about, but I will keep looking! Regardless, that video is sort of entertaining so please enjoy :)
Anonymous asks, "If you were stuck on a island and could only have one VHS to watch, which one would it be?"
That's a tough one. I'd like to name some obscure, thought-provoking independent film with subtitles, but truthfully my choices in the era of VHS were not so highbrow. To be honest, I'm leaning toward Troop Beverly Hills. I know the whole movie by heart, but I still love it. It's probably tied with Clueless and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. I watched both of those on VHS at least 30 times. They're like old friends. I felt so betrayed when VHS technology went out of date, it was like severing ties with some of my closest pals.
The One With... asks, "How do you decide on your topic for the day?"
I wish I could say I have a system, but usually I look through my list and try to get inspired. A lot of the time I'll start an introduction for a few different topics before I settle on one I'd like to write about. I want to make sure it's something people can relate to. Sometimes I think I've thought of a topic that will go over well, and it seems to bomb. I like writing features that focus on several different specific topics under a more general theme umbrella--there's a better chance that y'all will find something that strikes a memory chord. It also involves less extensive research, but I swear it's not just my laziness. In the eternally wise words of Sister Hazel, it's all for you, 90s children.
Sadako asks, "Cuter Boy Meets World hottie, Eric or Shawn?"
For me, it was Eric, no contest. They both had great hear, though. Ryder Strong might win in a cool name contest, but I had a thing for Will Friedle.
The K Family asks, "Ever think about making an "I love the 80's" site as well?" I would love to, as a lot of the memories are overlapping. Children of the 90s are usually Babies of the 80s, so there's a lot of nostalgic gray area. I've realized that writing one daily blog is a lot of work, though; I don't think I could handle two! To keep my sanity intact and the sarcasm flowing, I think I need to concentrate my efforts.
digigirl02 asks, "I was wondering if you could do a blog on pogs?"
Ah, the eternal debate. My boyfriend thinks I'm crazy for "holding on" to big topics in case I get a bunch of new readers. I don't want to give it all away too soon, or there'll be nothing left to reminisce over. This strategy seems to be a bust, though, because the topics I think people will go nuts for usually end up being pretty tame. Beanie Babies really didn't catch on the way I'd expected. Either way, a pogs post is definitely forthcoming.
It's definitely in the works! I have this weird blogging tic where I'm sort of afraid to write about my favorite things for fear I won't do justice to them. I want to make sure I'm writing about those things on days when I'm really on. I'm afraid they won't be the same unless I can get some really good jokes in there. I was actually planning on writing about 90210 one day last week, but it sort of segued into a topic of 30-year old actors portraying high school students. That's really here nor there, though, I promise I would never forget 90210.
Thanks again to everyone for writing in questions and supporting this crazy blog project. When I first started it and set up Analytics, I remember seeing that 14 people had visited and I was in awe, so you can imagine my surprise to find that it's sort of catching on. You guys are the best. We're actually hashing out some T-shirt designs, I may have to put them up for a vote. I think it's a fun idea and my boyfriend (who is literally my #1 fan, according to Facebook) has been working on some very cool mock-ups. I'm off to search the Dallas area for some promising giveaway items. I can't promise a date for this mythical giveaway, but I promise to make it fun. I'll see all of you tomorrow for some good old fashioned 90s ribbing.
In typical self-congratulatory blog fashion, I've got to hand it to myself. I have achieved my goal at tearing hundreds of unsuspecting 90s children away from their pressing school and office to-dos all in the name of some hearty nostalgia. Yesterday I finally reached a milestone 500 blogger followers with the help of my blog friend Sadako at Dibbly Fresh. Of course, with all of the readership statistics available these days, it's hard to benchmark any progress. I'm not going to let those stats get in the way of celebration of this pure, undiluted 90s victory. Thank you for your understanding, and I humbly (sort of) accept your accolades.
Before I let my head explode from the outpouring of good reader vibes, let me say that you readers are the lifeblood of Children of the 90s. For some unknown, writing experiment-fueled reason, I've been churning out 1000+ words daily on topics near and dear to our childhood selves with zero cash income. That's right, you uphold this free service with your support, comments, and hilarious additions in the comment section. All in all, it's fun because of you all, so thanks for your reading and/or lurking. It's much appreciated.
As a thank you for your loyal devoted readership, I'd like to extend an exciting limited-time offer to you. Well, maybe don't get too excited till you hear what it is. I doubt this has got any sort of bootleg sales black market value. And really, it might not be all that exciting. Damn, that anticipatory build-up can really come back to get you.
Okay, here goes: Here's your chance to ask your loyal 90s chronicler any and all burning questions. If you have anything at all you want to ask, drop it in the comment section. In an ideal world, we'd all celebrate by chugging Surge, bedazzling each other's jean jackets, and playing a zit-sticker frenzied game of GirlTalk! Unfortunately Surge has since been discontinued, my EZ 2DO bedazzler gave out ages ago, and and I'm pretty sure my mom sold my GirlTalk! game at a yard sale. We're going to have to settle for the next best thing, so ask away.
If you don't have any pressing curiosities, feel free to just stop by the comment section and say hi. I have the handy aid of Google Analytics to let me know how many of you read each day, and it's rarely reflected in the comments. The percentage of lurkers here seems to be extraordinarily high. Don't be shy. I'd love to meet you. Heck, I'd even read your blog. Reveal yourself, lurkers. It's time.
And if you're thinking this post is a huge cop-out and a negligent disregard for my otherwise rigorous weekdaily posting standard, you might be right. Before you go on getting too grumbly over the matter, let me assure you that I have not forgotten to provide you with a doctor-recommended dose of 90s child-specific wit. In celebration of my blog buddy Andy's upcoming birthday, I am guest posting over there today. In case you don't already read his blog, he's hilarious--I highly recommend you check it out. Anywho, you can find today's birthday-inspired post over at Wild ARS Chase.
Oh, and by the by, we've been tossing around the idea of making some kick-ass Children of the 90s t-shirts. Let me know if you'd be up for purchasing one of these bad boys. For an as-of-yet undetermined cut-rate price, you too can sport the proud declaration that you are indeed a Child of the 90s. Oh, and your back can serve as a handy advertisement for my blog, meaning when you leave someone you're really just leaving them with the gift of humor-tinged nostalgia. Who wouldn't want that? Really, it sounds just wonderful.
So thanks, fellow Children of the 90s, for your continued readership and support. You guys are da bomb, and I can say that because it makes sense to all of you in a cultural context. I'm browsing for some very exciting 90s-themed giveaway items, too, so stay tuned for that. Y'all are all that and a bag of chips and don't you forget it.
It's amazing to think we could have once derived hours of entertainment from a simple recording device. Nowadays I'm lucky if the television and computer can briefly captivate me with their collective charms. One means of technology is no longer enough. We've become so accustomed to complete technological inundation that it's tough to recall a time when we could still get worked up about a basic electronic function. Back in our as-of-yet-un-embittered days of innocent youth, though, a tape recorder was more than enough to pique our collective interest.
I'm equally amazed that the toy marketplace made room for not one but two major brands of basic tape portable kid's tape recorders. We were apparently once so desperate to record and play back soundbites from our everyday lives that we required an array of different features and options. Their functions remained pretty simple, though, particularly in contrast to today's crazily complex contraptions for kids. We didn't know about iPhones. We just wanted our Yak Baks.
The two toys served generally similar functions, but they did each have their unique appeal. Let's delve into the exciting world of 1990s voice recorder technology, shall we?
The Talkboy
The Talkboy actually originated as a fictional toy, costarring with Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. As the film title implies, Kevin is indeed lost in New York. He uses his then-prop Talkboy toy to record his voice and slow its speed to a crawl to change the pitch. Apparently it makes him sound adult enough to check into a hotel or something.
Either way, fans went nuts for the Talkboy. The fact that it didn't exist wasn't enough of a deterrent to curb the incessant demand for Talkboy ownership. Fans wrote letters begging for a full-scale release of the toy. Tiger Electronics was up for the challenge and churned out a real working handheld version of the once-fake toy.
Demand for these was massive. Stores couldn't keep them stocked. The film tie-in must have accounted for most of the hype, considering the Talkboy's functions were pretty limited. It was a standard handheld tape recording device with a little moveable microphone. Like the Home Alone version, it featured a speed change scale, allowing one to either sound like Alvin, Simon, or Theodore or what I imagine to be the voice of a dying robot. Behold, the glorious and much overplayed TV ad:
Oh, how I yearned for one of these bad boys. The sheer potential for mischief was a major selling point. The second that kid in that commercial changed his voice to a slow low-pitch and played his "Hi kids, we're home early!" recording, I was sold. I mean, how hilarious is that? His sister was going to make out with that guy, and then Talkboy intervenes and messes up her otherwise well-orchestrated date night. What a toy.
The Talkboy went through a series of incarnations, including a pastel-hued Talkgirl model and the Talkboy FX Plus. The FX Plus upped the havoc-wreaking quotient by several degrees of adult-irritating potential. It housed our illicit recording device in an unassuming writing utensil, allowing us to engage in all sorts of practical jokery in the classroom. As you can imagine, our teachers were absolutely thrilled.
The Yak Bak
The Yak Bak was generally cheaper than the Talkboy, giving it parental appeal but earning it some playground trash talking. The original couldn't quite live up to the big screen fame of its direct rival, the Talkboy, but it was not without its voice recording charms. The Yak Bak 1.0 was more compact than a Talkboy, but lacked some of the important mischief-inducing speed change technology. It had only two buttons, "say" and "play". Pretty straightforward, really, but entertaining nonetheless.
Check out the Yak Bak ad at 0:30
Later models gave us better and more competitive features. The second version included the speed warp function, putting it in direct competition with the Talkboy. After this major improvement, though, the changes got a little ridiculous. They give you a feeling that the Yak Bak development team was sitting around their work room table, throwing out whatever ideas came to mind, and instantly shoving them into production. We had Yak Bak watches, Yak Bak Yalp (reversal), Yak Bak room intruder alarm, Yak Bak football. You name it, they Yakked it Bak. They even made a recording pen to try to show up the Talkboy version, which was difficult considering they were almost exactly the same toy.
The Yak Bak may not have been quite as iconic as the Talkboy, but it served its purpose. After a few upgrades it could perform mostly functions equally entertaining to that of the Talkboy. Unfortunately for the Yes! Gear toy manufacturers, their product had never starred in a major motion picture and was thus judged inferior. Either way, you held in your hands the portable capability to mock your friends and family through the cunning use of playback.
In an age when we are constantly plugged into the newest and most provocative technology, it can be tough to remember when a simple recording of a friend's voice was enough to have us rolling on the floor with uncontrollable laughter. Don't worry though, you can have more than your memories. You can actually download a Yak Bak-esque app for your iPhone. Finally, your chance to enjoy the one device the Yak Bak people never thought up: a combination Yak Bak and phone.
Kid's movies have a unique way of defining villains. They eliminate that pesky gray area between right and wrong and give us a starkly black and white portrait of morality. They also wrap up everything into a neatly PG-rated package and tie it with an age-appropriate bow. While real life bad guys are out there engaging in acts of sociopathic lunacy, our ever-reliable children's movie villains are trying to kidnap suburban housepets for scientific experimentation purposes. You've got to hand it to these writers; they have an uncanny way of shifting the bad guy from a reprehensible scum of the earth to one deserving of a time-out and dessert withholding.
Such in the phenomenon in Beethoven, where the worst offense a character could commit is to be a naughty veterinarian hell-bent on neighborhood puppy domination. The movie conveniently scales everything down a bit, putting the plot at child eye-level. It's a scary enough world out there without filmmakers planting night terror-inducing concepts in the minds of impressionable children. Instead, it's best to keep things simple. An adult might not buy it, but a child will be able to sleep better at night if their worst imaginable nemesis is a puppy kicker rather than a mass murdering psychopath.
Beethoven captures the simplicity of an ideal children's movie. Sure, it's got it's fair share of adult characters and parental story lines, but it mainly focuses on the exploits of a mischievous but ultimately heroic dog. Rather than trying to woo us with flashy graphics and special effects, it gives our heatstrings a deliberate tug through the cunning use of adorable oversized animals. All in all, some pretty effective methodology.
The film opens on a St. Bernard's daring escape from the clutches of the aforementioned unrelentingly evil veterinarian. The puppy finds shelter in a quiet suburban neighborhood, much to delight of the household's children. The Newton parents aren't quite on board with it, but it's tough to resist those little puppy dog eyes. He responds positively to one of the kids playing Beethoven's Fifth on the piano and earns the moniker Beethoven. Let the games begin.
Beethoven quickly launches in a montage of memorable and iconic St. Bernard moments. So memorable, in fact, that recently when I mentioned a St. Bernard to my mother she said, "Oh, I don't like that kind of dog. They always get all wet and shake the water off all over the bed." To which I responded, "Are you sure you're not just thinking of that scene in Beethoven? I'm pretty sure that's what you're talking about." She conceded, though she didn't eliminate the possibility that this was simply par for the course with St. Bernard behavior. If you happen to own one, let me know if this in-bed dry off is a standard St. Bernardism. Either way, the movie obviously had quite the impact on our impression of large dogs.
While Beethoven can be destructive, he's got his charms as well. He assists the oldest daughter in conversation with the guy she likes and comes to rescue of the other siblings in respective dangerous situations. It looks like he's a keeper, despite his ever-expanding proportions.
Unfortunately, his unsuspecting owners aren't privy to the evil veterinarian's plan to dognap their newest and largest family member. Because in the world of movies, there's apparently only one veterinarian in the whole town, our trusting family just happens to take Beethoven to the evil guy for a check up. That's right, the same evil guy Beethoven escaped from at the beginning of the movie. The vet tells the Newtons that St. Bernards are prone to attack, thus planting the seed for further animal cruelty-related trickery later in the movie.
There's a whole story going on with some business people who are trying to rip off the Newtons through a shady deal, but Beethoven yet again proves he's worth the Costco-proportioned amounts of food they feed him daily. He drags the couple around on the ground, they're all pretty angry, the deal is off. Nice work, pup.
Our evil vet Varnick returns to the Newton's house, because apparently this guy lives and breathes the capture of a single St. Bernard in a town populated with thousands of other dogs. I guess these experiments require a uniquely Beethoven quality, because Varnick is relentless in his pursuit. He pretends he's just checking in, only to stage a bogus dog attack. The kids are suspicious, but the adults acquiesce to Varnick's demand that Beethoven be euthanized.
Mr. Newton has a heart after all, and decides the family should go after Beethoven and put a stop to his imminent death. Varnick tries to play them, saying that the dog has been put to sleep, but our heroic family doesn't fall for it. The Newtons surreptitiously follow Varnick to the sketchy facility where he performs his illicit pet experiments. They save Beethoven, the cops arrest Varnick, and the family takes in a pack of other dogs freed from Varnick's clutches. Cheesy, yes, but heartwarming too.
If you've somehow managed to repress this movie or just never got around to seeing it, here's your chance. Behold, Beethoven in 5 seconds via The Guy with the Glasses
Of course, the story doesn't end here. If you head to video store (I'm not sure they still even exist, but just come with me on this one) you'll see rows and rows of Beethoven movies, including innumerable sequels and an animated series. Here's the direct follow up that still features most of the original cast, before they start with the subpar direct-to-video crap.
The movie's simplicity and kid appeal was more than enough to both win us over and make us yearn for a similarly valiant pet. I can't imagine the sheer number of children who left this movie begging their parents to please, please, please let them have a dog. Most of us were probably banking on the off chance that our future fluffy friend would aid in uncovering a ring of experiment-based animal abuse, so we may have been setting our expectations a bit too high. Still, though, there's something innately reassuring about a world where the worst crime a person could commit is to steal a dog or two. It may not have been the most realistic worldview, but it allowed us a slightly extended age of cinematic innocence. Thanks, Ivan Reitman. This almost makes me want to forgive you for scaring the bejeezus out of my childhood self with Ghostbusters.
Well, children of the 90s, it's that time again. I've had some email requests from readers about some of their favorites 90s snacks, so I thought we were due for another discontinued 90s food roundup. If these commercials bring back some cravings, you're probably out of luck. Most of these foods, despite their hearty nostalgic value, have been discontinued somewhere along the way. On a good day, you might be able to find a couple of these on grocery store shelves outside of the US, but for the most part any cravings for these goodies will go unfulfilled.
For one reason or another, the producing companies of these delicious (though often un-nutritious) treats decided it just wasn't profitable enough to keep churning them out on their assembly lines. In our day some of these might have had impressive cafeteria trade value, but they've since dropped in kid coolness capital. All we have left is our memories...and for some of us, imbalanced blood sugar and an increased risk for early onset diabetes. We weren't the most health-conscious generation of kids, but we knew what we liked. Food manufacturers must have known, too, as they supplied us with copious amounts of nutritionally devoid options like these:
Pop Qwiz
At the time, this seemed like a true technological innovation in kid's snack food. Pop Secret released this kid-pleasing product in the early 90s, proving that children are the only group of consumers willing to eat incredibly unnatural-hued foodstuffs. Pop Qwiz was mostly gimmick and little substance, but the gimmick was more than enough to hold our attention and prompt countless tantrums in the popcorn aisle of the supermarket. Hey, I'd still be willing to throw myself on the ground and wail inconsolably for a bag of Pop Qwiz.
The name sounds far more educational than the value of the product warrants. I guess that's why they misspelled "Qwiz", to let us all know this popcorn snack was not academically relevant, nor would it offer us extra credit opportunities. Instead, the concept was rather simple: each bag of Pop Qwiz featured a different food-colored mass of kernels. The packaging was unassuming, leaving us kids to impatiently speculate on the bag's contents while still in the microwave. Would it be blue? Green? Purple? This eagerness for answers undoubtedly led to many oil-based burns.
Doritos 3-D
Our good friends at Doritos had no shortage of creative nacho-flavored chip incarnation ideas in the 90s. Every few weeks or so, it seemed they were debuting a new member of the ever-growing Dorito family. The short-lived Doritos 3-D were especially popular, literally adding a new dimension to our Dorito consumption. They fit in well with the "X-Treme!" trends in 90s advertising and product promotion, but they clearly couldn't stand the test of time. Air-filled pockets of salty goodness can only hold our attention for so long.
Planter's Cheez Balls
I know this ad is older than the 90s, but it was the best I could find. I think at a certain point, these defied advertising. They were pretty ubiquitous as a nutrition-free party snack food
Remember when Planter's used to make a whole bunch of other snack foods? I always thought it a bit weird that Mr. Peanut veered from his legume comfort zone to promote all classes of salty snacks. Cheez Balls (and Cheez Curls, and the briefly available PB Crisps) were once a universal party food. People were forever setting these unnaturally orange puffed balls out in bowls at social gatherings. There was something uniquely satisfying to popping off the tub's cap and hearing the release of suctioned air when you pulled the foil top and released the Cheez Balls into the wild. Unfortunately, you'll have to settle for the generics if you're craving Cheez Balls these days; Planter's has since discontinued the snack. You can, however, get a no-brand version at Sam's Club or Costco if you really need to satisfy your urge. Unfortunately, they're only available in giant tub sizes.
90s children's cereal trends show an unprecedented obsession of taking ordinary foods, miniaturizing them, and then convincing us they're a perfectly natural part of a balanced breakfast. French Toast Crunch was a perfect example, giving us bowlfuls of tiny French toastlets that we were expected to drown in milk and eat with a spoon. They didn't taste all that much like French toast, but they were a novelty and were thus deserving of our attention.
If you're lucky enough to live in Canada, you've still got access to this delicious breakfast treat. Publicly-funded health care comes second to the allure of starting every day with a big bowl of miniature processed imitation egg-soaked cinnamon bread? Actually, scratch that, make health care first. Daily intake of this sugar-laden cereal probably warrants regular doctor's visits.
Sprinkle Spangles
Here we go again with the miniatures. Sprinkle Spangles were a sort of Cookie Crisp knockoff, featuring sprinkle-spangled miniature sugar cookies and passing them off as cereal. How any of us ever got this one into the grocery cart and past our parent's wary watchful eye is beyond me, but the concept has yet to lose its appeal for me. I still think a bowl of these would really hit the spot when I'm craving something sweet.
Cheetos Paws
Like Doritos 3-D, Cheetos came out with an alternately shaped version of its original product and tried to pass it off as something new. Naive as we were as kids, we were ecstatic to find out our favorite orange finger-dying munchies now came in an easily grabbable pawprint shape. It was sort of like a crystal ball, really. It showed us exactly what our hands would look like if we engaged in gloveless Cheeto consumption. Well, the color part, at least. They usually didn't morph into paws.
Sodalicious Fruit Snacks
Sodalicious wins for best made-up food flavor descriptor. It's not soda per se, but it is delicious in a way similar to soda. How can we hybridize these words? Genius, I tell you.
Magic Middles
I'm getting a little drooly just watching that commercial. The name is right on: those middles were pure, sweet magic. Those Keebler elves sure are crafty. They realized they could hide even more delicious chocolate inside of an already chocolate-laden cookie, obscuring the extra sugar content from our parents. Oh hey, I'm just eating this chocolate chip cookie. With a candy bar's worth of chocolate inside. Ha ha! Gotcha.
Dannon's Sprinklins
We weren't allowed much junk food at my house, so we had to settle for the best imitation. That is, foods that incorporated sugary goodness without actually being all that sugary or good themselves. In this case, we had to suffer through some does-a-body-good yogurt in order to get to the good stuff: sprinkles. I challenge you to find a kid who doesn't like sprinkles. They're pure sugar and they're colorful. It's basically a kid's confectionery dream. I always utilized good sprinkle strategy. I'd try to conserve as many as I could for the end, but to a healthy food-disparaging kid, I'd usually have to give in and spread them throughout the cup. I just couldn't stomach it without the "Sprinkl'" part.
Like many of you, I didn't notice the gradual disappearance of these goodies from my grocery store shelves. Over time I'd eventually notice that some of my old childhood favorites had gone the way of the Dunkaroos. Unless they decide to ignore low profit margins and get swept up in the 90s nostalgia, it's unlikely we'll be seeing most of these gracing our supermarket aisles any time soon. We'll just have to settle for our delicious memories. Either that, or trying to track down some packages on Amazon or eBay. It just comes down to how seriously you consider expiration dates.
It's strange to think a tiny red beam of light could bring so much childhood joy and so much adult annoyance all in its compact key chain-attachable form. Especially when you consider that this device was originally intended to aid lecturers in their presentations, it seems like a bit of a leap to imagine children having much of a use for the thing. I doubt the inventors of the laser pointers sat around their brainstorming table musing about alternative uses for their product. "Well, how about pointing it at people's crotches on movie screens? Do you think that could be a selling point?"
No, it was up to us kids to decide on the most irritating and teacher-grating uses for the laser pointer. Anyone who believes children aren't naturally creative simply have not examined the case of the laser pointer. It takes a savvy mind to take a tool meant for one of the most boring possible purposes and changing the function to delight their insatiable appetite for mischief.
Kids are far craftier and more inventive than adults usually give them credit for. The only problem is, they generally tend to direct this mind power toward the deviant. As kids we're not about finding solutions to the world's problems; we don't have that kind of mental breadth or empathy. We're in it solely for the entertainment.
Of course, kids have been partaking in this sort of tomfoolery for generations. It doesn't take much to entertain a child, and it doesn't take much to irritate an adult. The power of these two forces combined leads to a dangerous and potent cocktail of annoying proportions. The day a kid realized he could temporary blind a teacher by using the reflection of the sun off his watch, you better bet that's exactly what he did. It's not that he didn't care about her well-being. It's just that he cares more about delighting his impressionable classmates.
Such was also the case with laser pointers, a sort of updated version of this blinded-by-the-light childhood fancy. It's one thing to use "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" as an empty threat, but quite another to have to really mean it. That's not to say these things were actually capable of loosening an eye from its physical socket. I'd imagine they'd have been long banned from business conferences and conventions if that was the case. They could cause some temporary visual discomfort, though, and this was enough to have angry parent watchdog-type groups up in arms over the issue.
Fun for pets, too! From petside.com
Many of these uptight groups were enraged that parents were buying these little lights for their children. They wrote angry letters to school principals and district superintendents about the harm in these kids playing Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader with their makeshift light sabers. These devices, they stressed, were not toys. They didn't care how hilarious it was to illuminate their teacher's private parts with a pesky red dot. They just wanted them banned.
To be fair, there might eb some legitimately harmful implications of shining a little red dot on someone. I suppose if someone was intensely overly suspicious, they could assume that the telltale red dot was indicative of a sniper alignment. In fact, in a brief internet search on kids and laser pointers, I came across a very angry letter from a proud gun owner claiming it's not her fault if she panics over that little red light and pulls her gun on a kid. Now, I'm all for consequences for our actions, but that seems a tad harsh. That's like saying we should approve the death penalty for stealing lunch money. The sense of proportion seems just a smidge out of whack.
Incensed critics of laser-pointers-as-toys even cried foul on an episode of Seinfeld that chronicled George's misadventures with a laser pointer-wielding miscreant. The part I like best about this episode (entitled "The Puerto Rican", by the way) is that the perpetrator is actually a grown man. It just goes to show that immaturity is something we can all share. It's not exclusive to preadolescent boys. If anything, the drive to stir up trouble only grows with age. Well, to a point, that is. At a certain age, we all morph into the crotchety critics who cried foul on these glorious sources of entertainment in the first place. Until then, though, we have a free pass to behave like this:
The craze of young people utilizing laser pointers for pure entertainment was a short-lived one. At a point, the novelty wore off and we were once again able to attend a movie matinee without having to worry about the endless distraction of a roaming point of light. In a way, though, you have to miss the innocence and easy distractability of your youth. Sure, the things were annoying, but they represented a certain juvenile sense of humor that's tough to recapture in an age of ever-increasing technological output.
Now that kids today have a wealth of information and gadgetry at their immediate disposal, it's tough to imagine them getting as much of a kick out of a red bedotted movie. On the other hand, maybe there's a common bond that transcends generations that brings us together. I'm willing to venture that deep down, no matter in which generation you grew up, you will find certain things intrinsically amusing. So to today's kids, I say enjoy your easily amused youth. We'll catch you on the other side when you're getting all crotchety and George Costanza about it.
This could be you! With better fashion color sense, though
A book of many of the the popular milk mustache campaign ads with background information. What's not to love?
(Again, photo not of actual item....you get wildlife, not dinosaurs! Who doesn't love wildlife?) 
This is a new pack, so we've got some updated designs here. They're on a roll so I can't see all of them, but I do see a painting panda bear. That one seems pretty promising. Anyway, in case there's no scale here...this pack is tiny. It includes 100 stickers, but they're all of the miniature variety.
