Zubaz

Some fashion trends are enigmatic. They are not particularly attractive or flattering, nor do they serve out their calculated functionality in any reasonable capacity. In fact, these trends conceivably exist with the sole goal of making the wearer a walking target of unmericful mockery and public shaming.

Zubaz were one of these trends. Was one of these trends? What's the grammatical status of Zubaz? I assume by sound alone that the word Zubaz is plural, but I could be wrong. The mere thought that anyone would want to refer to this god-awful alleged fashion statement in the plural is beyond me. Owning one pair was bad enough.

In short (or long, both versions were pretty bad), Zubaz were ridiculous. In their inception, they were potentially in some way tied to a plausibly justifiable function. A group of steroid-crazed (I have no evidence, but this must be the only explanation) Minnesota bodybuilders got together and pondered to one another about the stretchability and breathability of the current athletic shorts on the market. Nothing quite seemed to give them that certain something that they were looking for. "These seem rather quiet," They thought. "They need to make more of a statement. Something that says, I drink a pallet of Mountain Dew 2-liters a day and take my old lady to monster truck shows for our anniversary. Oh yeah, and that my excessive commitment to weight training has made me and my anterior thigh muscles too physically robust to keep from bursting from any available sports pant."

These were, of course, semi-legitimate concerns. The weight lifting one, at least. The original intention of Zubaz was to capture a niche market of bodybuilders whose propensity for squat thrusts led to innumerable pants-splitting incidents. I will cede this point to the Zubaz guys and give them at least a marginal window of light in the dark shadow of doubt that these pants were originally produced with good intentions.

Little did they know what was to come.

Have I gotten to the part yet about how these pants were designed in outlandish patterns and flamboyant colors? I should probably have mentioned that earlier on, but I was distracted from the acidic ocular reaction from viewing the above photo. Yes, Zubaz wearers weren't content with their clothes merely being comfortable; they had to be resplendent in neon green zebra print as well. The shape of the pants was sort of a toned-down Hammer Pant, but what they lost in volume they compensated for in pattern and color selection. In the likely case that your mental picture remains hazy from damage done to your brain's visual receptors in trying to recapture the image of these pants, here is a little refresher in the form of a Zubaz fashion show:



That's right, nothing says manly like strutting your stuff to a Suzanne Vega song while wearing a purple windbreaker. For some reason beyond probable explanation, these pants caught on in a big way. This ostentatious legwear still held its athletic appeal, however, and mainly catered to a sports crowd. The sadists at Zubaz manufactured licensed sports team merchandise complete with wild patterns and flashy logos:



The brand even had a brief stint in the professional athletic team uniform arena, though it was thankfully short-lived. Teams like the Tampa Bay Storm were forced to go out onto the field looking a little something like this:


Or worse, this:

(Okay, so maybe that last one isn't an actual professional sports team, but it was a 90s Zubaz ad)

Embarrassing, yes. But that's not all! The Zubaz brand story does not die with the crest and fall of a great (though questionably zebra-striped fashioned) decade. Just when we thought it was safe to leave the house without running into someone dressed suspiciously identical to a stick of Fruit Stripe gum, things took a turn. I'm not quite sure how to break it to you, so I guess I should just come out with it.

I regret to inform you that I bring you this blog in the wake of a terrible tragedy. An announcement has been made, and nothing we can do can stop these people. They're unrelenting in their quest for global zebra-striped pant domination. They are clearly out of their minds, and they are on an inexplicable mission to refill the world with loud, clamoring neon patterns and unflattering tapered elastic-banded legs. Yes, that's right. I said refill.

Zubaz are back.




For a company whose slogan was once "Dare to be Different", this new line seems suspiciously familiar. I think I speak for the majority when I say that we wish the people at Zubaz were a bit better at taking their own advice for this second go-round. Their new slogan may be one of the more frightening and untimely statements I've heard in a long time.

"We're Back."



Venture if you dare:
The new Zubaz website