Power Wheels

As kids, there were certain outrageously expensive toys that we just couldn't help salivating over. With a limited understanding of cost-benefit analysis, it was difficult to understand our parents' decision to feed us in lieu of providing us with lavish, overpriced luxury toys. There was always one kid on the block whose parents would buy him every hot new toy that hit the market, and it was the rest of our jobs to whine mercilessly, "But STEVIE has one!"

Perhaps at age six, logic was not our strong suit. While I couldn't tell you offhand what my once-coveted 1993 Fisher Price/Mattel Power Wheels Barbie Jeep cost, a quick trip the current Power Wheels website reveals that a 2009 Barbie Cadillac Escalade Custom Edition (and yes, this exists) costs $374. I'm sorry, maybe you didn't catch that. Three hundred and seventy-four dollars. For those of us who know have some basic grasp of monetary value and/or are faced monthly with important financial choices, we can hopefully all recognize that this is absolutely insane. I don't think my parents made that large of a down payment on my first real car.

The 2009 Barbie Escalade

Power Wheels were remarkable little battery-powered machines that allowed children a level of neighborhood street-roaming autonomy that bordered on potentially negligent. A closer examination of the Power Wheels brand indicates that their vehicles are typically marketed toward children ages 12 months to seven years. I don't know about you, but one year after I pop out an infant, I don't plan on letting him tear recklessly through the cul-de-sac in a miniature Ford Mustang. These children can barely walk, and we're letting them drive? Maybe it's just me, but something about this seems a tad askew.


Regardless of my current staunch anti-insanely-dangerous-toys stance, back in the day I would have killed one of the neighbor kids for one of these babies. Really, I would have. I'm sure there was one bad apple that no one really liked and wouldn't be missed. In this fantasy, the kid's last will and testament would be read publicly near the swings at the local playground and I would receive his now displaced Power Wheels Kawasaki Ninja rider. It was a beautiful dream, but unfortunately none of the kids in my neighborhood were rich enough or had the type of buy-your-affection parents to warrant such a glorious, though ultimately tragic, outcome.

While nowadays parents make a big fuss over gender neutral toys, dress their children in yellow, and encourage boys to play with dolls to theoretically increase future sensitivity, back in the day we had more clear cut lines of gender differentiation. If a boy ordered a Happy Meal, he received a Hot Wheels toy. For a girl, the Happy Meal contained a Barbie figurine. It didn't matter what your preference was, toy marketers chalked it up to basic biology and that was that. This theory was certainly a cornerstone of the Power Wheels marketing campaign, with distinct gender specific targeted ads.

For girls, we had Barbie, our alleged doll role model and favorite cheerleader/soccer player/teacher/fairy princess/dentist we knew. What can I say, she was a pretty accomplished gal. We can only assume that on the merit of all of the aforementioned achievements, she was rewarded with a significant toy car endorsement deal:





For those of you stuck at work or othrewise incapacitated on a watching-videos-without-being-caught-slacking front, let me transcribe the ad song's lyrics for you:

The buggy's all packed, so here we go
Headin' for the beach with my best friend Flo
My Barbie Beach Buggy's really puttin' on a show!

Pow Pow Power Wheels!
Pow Power Wheels!
C'mon Flo, let's really go!

Pow Pow Power Wheels!
Pow Power Wheels!
Power Wheeeeeeeeeeels!
Now I'm drivin' for real!

Power Wheels Barbie Beach Buggy. What a way to go!

...(Adult supervision required).

This really begs the question, how can I get set up with a lucrative children's toy ad campaign writing gig? I can't imagine less work going into, well, anything. I guess they knew how much this product spoke for itself in terms of desirability, allowing them to rhyme the word "go" with itself two additional times. Nonetheless, watching this ad even as an adult, I'm completely sold on it. I could care less what she's singing, just insert me into the Beach Buggy and I'll be on my merry way.

For the more glamorous first graders, Power Wheels had a different Barbie model:




First things first. This thing comes with a car phone? Most of our parents couldn't afford these amenities yet, and we're giving them to six-year olds? It sounds as if this was recorded by the same jingle singer as the first, we can only assume they paid her for a two-fer. This is essentially a remixed version of the first song, only this time, our girl got some lines. The only problem? She's six and an adult woman's voice is coming out of her mouth. I do love the way her mom sort of shakes her head at her daughter as if to say, "Oh, you!" Hey Mom, you bought the damn Lamborghini, don't act so chagrined by her endless gloating. On an aside, the star's Blossom-style hat was a major staple of my wardrobe at the time.

And for those of you out there with a Y chromosome, well, this one's for you:




The gender role stereotyping is a tad over the top here. You're not in a crappy little kid's battery-powered Jeep, you're part of the CHEIF ADVENTURE TEAM! I can see why they'd want children with their ineffective slow vehicles on board for such an important rogue underground organization. For some reason, these ads also feature adult voices emanating from children's bodies. I don't quite get what was going on here. Was this supposed to represent the required adult supervision notably absent from the ad? Could these kids not be trusted with their two-word lines? We may never know. All we know is how bad-ass those kids look with those walkie-talkies. For some reason, they also drive through an oddly assembled configuration of doves. Had they just been released for a wedding? Again, this is a question perhaps best left to professionals. We can only assume that's highly classified top secret CHIEF ADVENTURE TEAM business.

It wasn't all fun and games with these marvelous machines, though. Lucky for us who are still pouting over our parents' inability to magically produce one of these under a Christmas tree or at a birthday party, these things certainly had their dark side. What's a good 90s toy without some form of parent-sponsored reckless endangerment?


In 1991, the 18 Volt Porsche 911 was recalled for defective parts. Before we ask what people are thinking buying their children a miniature version of a car with a six-figure price tag, let's examine what exactly went wrong here. A defect in the foot pedal could force the car to stay running while disabling the braking function. I don't know about you, but there's something decidedly humorous in the image of a five year-old child barreling at top speed (at a maximum rate of two point five miles per hour) with no end in sight. An honorable mention for hilarious visuals is awarded to the once-distracted parents, now chasing their kids down the street and attempting to extract them from the miniature vehicle before it makes a crash landing into a freestanding mailbox.

Power Wheels issued a second recall in 1998 on a different model for potentially faulty battery connections. The most amazing thing about this recall was in the instructions it gave for repairs; they required you to bring the vehicle in to an "authorized Power Wheels Service center" What, are there many garages out there performing black market repairs on kids' toy cars? Is it that difficult to regulate the industry?

As you venture into adulthood, the choice to buy or not to buy a Power Wheels car for your child is yours and yours alone. The real question is, is it worth dipping in to the college fund to allow a 12 month-old infant a shot at driving practice?

Seven Things...

Just an Everyday Bitch tagged me as a fellow Queen of All Things Awe-summm. I'm honored, thrilled, and still salivating over the glorious pronunciation guide-type spelling of "awesome".

The rules are that I am supposed to list seven things that make me (in this case, all children of the nineties) awe-summm and then pass the award on to seven other people who you think are fabulously awesummm.

Seven things that make children of the nineties Awe-summm:

1) We had it first.

Flannel. Headbands with enormous bows. Jelly sandals. These kids today may be unaware, but we know the truth.

2) Nickelodeon.

I know it's been said time and time again, but reiteration never hurt. The network that gave us a talking popsicle stick, Weinerville, and Roundhouse will forever live in our hearts. Okay, well, it's still on the air, but it's magic has faded substantially.

3) Young adult book series.

Sweet Valley High. Animorphs. Babysitter's Club. Goosebumps. A million Full House series. These book people knew how to market.

4) Pluto.

In our day, we knew to call a planet a planet.

5) The internet (1.0).

Children growing up today will never experience the magic and wonder of listening to that dial-up modem noise as they watch the running AOL logo bring them to pure chat room heaven.

6) The economy

I think the picture speaks for itself.

7) Irresponsible advertising

Why not sell cigs to kids with a super suave cartoon camel? Or use scantily clad teenagers in provocative poses to sell jeans? It made perfect sense at the time.

I am pleased to bestow this award to:

Fidgeting Gidget

A Look Behind My Eyes

Philly & Me (and I promise I will get back to your tag soon, as soon as I figure out what I'm going to do with it! )

A Thrifty Girl's Guide to the Kitchen

Are You There Youth? It's Me, Nikki

Life is a Marathon

The Wife in Stilettos

If you haven't checked out this blogs yet, they come highly recommended!

Children of the Nineties One-Hit Wonder Mash-Up : 1992

There's no clear set path for how a musical group achieves success and fame. Some are discovered after year of hard work and dedication. Others utilize connection in the music industry to claw their way to the the top.

And sometimes, it's probably just a fluke.

These are some of those flukes.

A one-hit-wonder is an interesting phenomenon. One would expect that if an act once had the power to captivate listeners worldwide, musical lightning would likely strike twice. Once in a while, however, a song comes along that is truly an anomaly. The music and lyrics are in no way exceptional and the band is not particularly talented. It's almost as if these songs manage to fly under the radar completely, sneak quietly onto our Billboard charts when the quality-control guards are dozing, and explode in a maelstrom of misguided publicity and incessant radio play.

1992 was uncommonly notorious on this front. Allow me to be your guide on this lovely tour of one-hit-wonderdom circa 1992:

Right Said Fred: I'm Too Sexy

The song was released in 1991, but was most likely working up the nerve to ask permission for popularity.



That video is pure grade-A 90s ridiculousness. The bikini-clad photographers, the mesh tank tops, the leather studded man jewelry. It's almost too much to bear.

The premise of the song was relatively simple. Imagine yourself a stunning, reflection-worshiping early 90s-era supermodel. You find yourself to be particularly appealing to potential mates, with innumerable positive physical qualities. In fact, in some cases, overly so. Your sexiness has actually surpassed the legal limit and is now rendering you incapacitated on many fronts. While once you were able to participate in normal everyday activities like wearing hats and owning pets, you are now actually too sexy to participate in these activities. Suddenly, diagnosed with this bout of hypersexiness, you are altogether too sexy for:

• Your shirt; this one seems fairly self-explanatory, as your muscular pecs can not be contained by fabric alone. It's likely that excessive body oil also plays a role in this.
• Your party; right, it must get a tad exhausting to brave the adoring crowds in a contained space.
• Your cat; this is a little trickier. As a cat, we can only assume that he or she (let's say he) is not sexually attracted to you. Maybe you just want to ditch the furry feline for something that won't lead others to so readily question your masculinity. Because that mesh tank top isn't dropping any heavy hints.
  
• Your car; let's be real here. The reflection in your rear view mirror is too riskily distracting.
  
• Your hat; I assume when you do your little turn on the catwalk, on the catwalk, do your little turn on the catwalk that you would risk disrupting your head wear.
• Japan, Milan, and New York; too many commoners.
  
• Your love; I'll give it to you, Right Said Fred, this one just makes no sense.
  
• This song; aren't we all?

Sir Mix-a-lot: Baby Got Back

Some songs we love for their subtlety and nuance. This was not one of them.

Sir mix a lot-baby got back
Uploaded by ZICARLOS

Becky's friend is spot-on in this case. That chick does look like one of those rap guy's girlfriends. While no one likes to admit it, you would be hard pressed to find anyone who grew up in the 90s who can not sing this song in its entirety by memory. It's undeniably catchy, but the subject matter is a tad questionable. I have vivid memories of this being played at bar mitzvah parties, which in retrospect seemed to toe the line of inappropriateness. I can only imagine what the bar mitzvah boy's Uncle Moishe thought of this one.

You have to love Sir-Mix-a-Lot's stance and gestures in this video. First of all, as he himself conceded, his unfortunate placement on that giant butt leads to some unsavory comparisons. Throughout the video, though, he looks especially authoritative in a way oddly inconsistent with the video's subject matter. A sort of butt dictator, if you will. At the very least, a butt ambassador.

The imagery in this video is really something else. This is possibly the least-sexy depiction they could have come up with. They're certainly pushing it on the butt-cleavage-esque fruit and vegetable visuals. Do we really need to bring tomatoes and peaches into the picture here?

An adapted version of this song featuring Six Mix-a-Lot himself is currently being featured in a Burger King television campaign. It just goes to show you that even with royalties resulting from constant radio play over 20 years, a one-hit-wonder isn't enough to hold you afloat to a point where you can deny any sell-out friendly source of income.

Speaking of float, if you haven't already, I implore you to check out the Bill Nye parody by "Sure Floats-a-Lot". You might just learn a little something about buoyancy.


Billy Ray Cyrus: Achy Breaky Heart

Once upon a time, Billy Ray was known as more than just Hannah Montana's dad. He had an achy, breaky heart, dammit, and he was eager to share his sordid tale with us in a line dancing-friendly format.


Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart


That is certainly some business in the front, party in the back ol' Billy Ray has going on there. It could potentially be deemed cheating (though which governing board holds this jurisdiction, we can never be sure) to call this a one-hit wonder as it had actually been written and recorded a year earlier by the lesser-known Marcy Brothers. Released on Billy Ray's album alongside other charming titles as "I'm So Miserable" and "Wher'm I Gonna Live?" (yes, "wher'm") it's not surprising this is the one that fought its way to the top of this wrangled junk heap. Just think, if you can manage to record a hit country song, someday you could play a not-so-glorified version of your washed-up self on a show starring your daughter and have a shot at scoring an E-list celebrity spot on Dancing with the Stars. Reach for the stars, kids.

Of course, the version I was more familiar with was this one:






House of Pain: Jump Around
Everlast, DJ Lethal, and Danny Boy. They sound like a wholesome bunch, eh?

House of Pain - Jump Around
Uploaded by crunk_ship

It's almost difficult to remember this song in the context of its original release because it has become so ubiquitous in movies, TV, ads, and most notably sporting events. The horn intro becomes so deeply embedded in your brain that you can actually hear little residual horn blasts for the next few days after listening to the song. This little ditty features beautiful lyrics like "Muggs is a funk fest/someone's talking junk/ Yo, I'll bust em in the eye/And then I'll take the punks home". I don't know what this means, but it's certainly poetic. If nothing else, the song references Sega, which is certainly enough to win me over.


Wreckx-N-Effect: Rump Shaker

Oh, well, that's a charming way to spell "wrecks". I like all those extra letters you added. Very colorful. And this must be your friend, Effect. Good to meet you both.



Possibly the best part of this one-hit wonder was not in the song itself, but in its fierce Billboard chart competition. Rump Shaker never made it to number one because Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" from The Bodyguard kept slamming it back a spot. I'm guessing lyrics like "all I wanna do is zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom in a boom-boom/shake your rump" weren't quite a well-suited match for Miss Houston's pre-crack-is-whack vocal glory.

The dance moves and wardrobe in this video are to die for. Where's Waldo-esque candy-striped crew neck t-shirt? Check! Arm extension Tae-bo style lifts? Check! Full-bodied pastel windbreaker? Check! The video oozes 90s cheesy hip-hop greatness. The best part is, this song was deemed vulgar and inappropriate by all sorts of moral watchdog groups. If you are unaware, zooma-zoom-zooming in a boom-boom is a bit more technical than they make it sound. While obviously tame compared to today's rap releases, it was controversial nonetheless. On the other hand, they are sporting life jackets in that boat montage, so their messages to kids must not be all bad. Hey, I listened to it and I turned out okay. In a manner of speaking,that is.



1992 was certainly an eclectic year for short-lived music sensations, but each of these briefly popular tunes are admittedly catchy in their own way. Actually, good luck getting through the rest of your day without humming one of these babies to the utter horror of your co-workers, spouses, or roommates. I'm going to put my money on Achy Breaky Heart, but you will have to get back to me on this one.