Child Stars Gone....Good?

Image via www.wolfgnards.com

In the midst of the tragedy of Corey Haim's apparent overdose, there's been a lot of speculation out there about child stars "gone bad." The public is endlessly fascinated by watching our favorite fresh-faced young child actors crash and burn in a frenzy of drinking and drug use. Perhaps it's our naturally voyeuristic spirit, but we just can't seem to get enough of these stories that warrant a VH1 voiceover guy intoning humorlessly, "He had everything, and he threw it all away." It seems the price of fame is often paid in a lifetime of indebtedness to a cuteness and innocence they can never recapture as an adult.


But what about those child stars who went the straight and narrow? Certainly there are some child actors out there who went on to become doctors, lawyers, or even non-drug using celebrities? While the temptation to go the Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? route is undeniably tempting, some of the actors we knew and love as children have managed to pull it together and lead relatively normal lives. You know, if your normal life still involved being accosted by now-grown-but-still-screechy devoted fans. They've got to be out there.

Turns out, they are. Just because their once banked-upon child cuteness factor plummets as they grow older doesn't automatically mean they're doomed for a life of listless unhappiness and sporadic drug binges. Some of them get it together with a successful show biz career, while others grow into an unrecognizable version of their celebrity child selves and can walk freely among us as common citizens.

Natalie Portman


Portman first caught mainstream public attention for her roles in Anywhere but Here and the Star Wars prequels, establishing herself as a formidable child actress. She must also have been a formidable student, as she went on to study psychology at Harvard, even serving as Alan Dershowitz's research assistant. Portman has since been heavily involved in environmental and political affairs, proving that she's more than just a tiny pretty face.

Mayim Bialik



Oh, Blossom. You were poised to be such a star, and then you seemed to vanish from the show biz radar entirely. She was so likable in her eponymous role in Blossom, it's not a stretch to imagine her down-to-earthness translated into her real life. Bialik was accepted to both Harvard and Yale but chose to attend UCLA, pursuing a bachelor's in neuroscience, Hebrew, and Jewish studies and later a PhD in neuroscience. As Joey Russo would say, whoa.


Tina Majorino



In the 90s, we knew Majorino for her roles in Corinna, Corinna and Andre, though you may more recently recognize from Big Love, Veronica Mars, and Napoleon Dynamite. Despite her recent dabblings in the biz, she's stayed low key to a point she refers to as the "anti-Lohan."


Anna Paquin



After watching Tatum O'Neil's downward spiral following her childhood Oscar win, it's natural we'd be a bit wary of the future of other children Academy Award recipients. Paquin won her Best Supporting Actress award for The Piano at age 11 and went on to smoothly transition from child actor to adult actor with a steady line of work. I just knew that girl had a good head on her shoulders; I sensed it from when I saw her in Fly Away Home. I would totally trust her to regulate my migration patterns.


Fred Savage, Josh Saviano, Danica McKellar






Let's give a hand to the good people behind The Wonder Years, shall we? These people really knew how to pick 'em. How else do you explain the mostly quiet but relatively normal success of the show's main child stars? Saviano became a lawyer, McKellar a hot mathematician, and Savage went on to mostly behind-the-scenes work. We may not totally be able to forgive him for bringing us Daddy Day Care, but overall this group's alright.


Jeff B. Cohen



I know, I know, the name might not be familiar, but this guy was "Chunk" from The Goonies. He's come a long way since the Truffle Shuffle--he's now an attorney and was named one of the top 35 entertainment executives under 25 by the Hollywood Report.


Neil Patrick Harris



What else would you expect from child prodigy Doogie Howser, MD? Harris has gone on to prove that you can have it all, including an incredibly successful sitcom career, hilarious self-mocking movie cameos, and intro-ing the Oscars vis-a-vis a huge over-the-top musical number. He's also gone on to become a role model for openly gay mainstream actors. Well done, Dr. Howser.


Larisa Oleynik


We may not have expected much from her academically as Bianca in 10 Things, but it turns out Oleynik was secretly more of a Kat in real life. Oleynik attended Sarah Lawrence College, graduating in 2004. I always suspected she was more of a Dawn from The Babysitter's Club than a Bianca, in which case it all adds up pretty well.


Jonathan Taylor Thomas


Jonathan Taylor Thomas was a bona fide teen heartthrob in the 90s, so imagine our surprise to find JTT wasn't all that into the limelight, opting to enroll in college in lieu of continuing on his Tiger Beat-heavy career path. Oh JTT, how little we knew ye. So little, in fact, that many of us had no clue his real name is Jonathan Taylor Weiss. JTW just don't have the same ring to it, though, does it?


Joseph Gordon-Levitt



One of the lucky to smoothly transition from successful child actor to successful teen actor to successful adult actor. He even managed to attend Columbia somewhere in between. Plus, he finally found a haircut that suited him. Very impressive stuff.


Charlie Korsmo

You know, that kid from Hook and the nerdy revenge-seeking kid from Can't Hardly Wait? He went on to pursue a degree in physics froms MIT, graduate Yale Law, and make good as a Young Republican. Not too shabby.


These grown up child stars are living proof that the kids can turn out all right after all. It's comforting to know that not all child stars are headed on an inevitable downward trajectory. Some of them are doing just fine. More than fine, really; many have managed to sustain their level of initial success. The rest of us should only be so lucky.

We Miss Our Discontinued Candy: Bygone Sweets

It probably doesn't bode especially well for our generation that we can get all wistful and misty-eyed over some nutritionally void sugar-laden snacks, but sometimes we just can't help ourselves in these matters. It's tragic in its own small way that today's children will never taste the glorious sugary sweets that so sustained us in our youth. By "sustained" of course I mean it kept our hyperactivity level off the charts and kept our dentists' respective children in expensive sneakers. What? It's a valid interpretation of sustenance, given you accept that these treats served no real nourishing purpose.

You just don't know what you have till it's gone. For a brief, fleeting period these sugary snacks enticed us with their off-the-charts sweetness. Like all good things, though, our love affair with these candies were forced to come to a bitter end. For many of us, we didn't even realize these sweets no longer graced our grocery store shelves until it was too late. Had I been alerted of the impending discontinuation, I would have stocked up on Hershey's Tastations before it was too late.



Mintaburst/Cinnaburst/Fruitaburst Gum



You name the flavor, this gum was a'burstin' with it. Unfortunately, it bursts no more. The burst in question was a mysterious compound of so-called "flavor crystals," which seems to be some sort of code for "gritty hard pieces in your gum that are kind of gross but also ripe with flavor."

Astropop



When I think of what the ideal adjective for describing a favorite candy is, "stabby" usually ranks pretty close to the top of the list. Any candy that can double as weaponry is okay in my book. That book, of course, is called "Lollipop Swords: Beginning Swashbuckling for Youngsters." Look for it coming soon to a bookstore near you.

These things were pure sugar, which from a child's perspective is the be-all-end-all of attractive candy characteristics. Astrioios unfailingly stained our lips and tongues, but this should have been the least of our parents' concerns. The most, of course, being that it was possible to lick the Astropop into a finely tuned dagger and inflict multiple puncture wounds onto our siblings on car trips. Ouch.



Tastetations


Mmmm....Tasteations. These things were creamy hard candy goodness with the Hershey's chocolatey seal of approval thrown in for good measure. Sure, you might feel like a crotchety little old lady carrying around hard candies in your pockets, but the taste made it well worth the minor image sacrifice. Apparently Hershey's first-ever hard candy just wasn't enough to hold our attention--their heyday was pretty short-lived.



Carefree Gum



How, I ask you, are we supposed to adequately sprinkle Clueless movie quotes into everyday situations when the cultural context has cruelly been discontinued? I'm referring, of course, to Cher's impassioned tirade against gym class in which she claims she barely burned off the calories in a stick of Carefree Gum.

By the way, that above commercial is actually pretty funny. Kudos to Milli Vanilli for taking the low road after their incredibly embarrassing lip-syncing debacle. You know what I always say: if you can't make fun of yourself in a gum commercial, you just can't make fun of yourself.



Gatorade Gum



Also known as GatorGum, this sports-themed chewing gum had it heyday in 70s and 80s and enjoyed a brief revival in the late 90s. When I think sports and quenchiness, I don't typically jump immediately to gum, but hey, it worked.

I know the commercial is a bit dated for what we usually post around here, but it's just so funny I couldn't resist. It's cheesy in a way that advertising just can't get away with anymore. "Active people are discovering the gum that's different!" (Man in sweatband crosses finish line) "Now you can lick...dryyyyyy mouth" (Sweatbanded man opens mouth to reveal a camel and some sand). Brilliant.



Dinosaur Eggs



These egg-shaped jawbreakers from the Wonka candy company came in individual boxes, which misled us to believe we could consume them in a single sitting. These things were huge, plus some of them had the added licking obstacle of the Dinosour taste.



Lifesavers Holes



If you ever wondered what they do with all the leftover cutouts at the Lifesavers factory, look no further than the briefly popular "Holes" candy pieces. It doesn't get much lazier than this. "Hey, you know those extra candy pieces we already have but usually toss in the trash?" "Yes?" "We should totally sell them." "Sounds like a plan. Let's give them a kind of gross sounding but fitting name." "Done and done."



Mars Bars (US)



These have been unavailable in the US (despite a steady supply abroad) for nearly ten years. I've heard a rumor, though, that they've been relaunched. If this is true, I'm off to devour one now. These things are awesome. One might even say out of this world. Ba dum ching!



Butterfinger BBs



Who better to take candy advice from than the man himself, Bartholomew J. Simpson? This kid knew his stuff. These have since been discontinued, so the best we can do now is chop up a bunch of butterfingers into small circular pellets and simulate the experience at the movies. Somehow, it just isn't the same.



Crispy M&Ms



Yet another bygone product from our pals at M&Ms. It seems every couple of years or so, they come up with some variation on the classic. The crispy kind had a sort of Nestle Crunch style popped rice inside. They were equal parts satisfying crunch and tastiness, though many of us failed to realize their deliciousness till it was too late.



Tearjerker's Gum


Do you love being tortured by sour candies? Instead of just enduring its presence in your mouth, do you prefer to chew the heck out of it for an extended period of time? Well, then you're in luck. Or at least you were if you grew up in the 90s. These may still be available in limited



Hershey's Cookies and Mint Candy Bar

Just when they come up with something I really adore, they pull it from the market. It's just my luck. This bar was magnificent--milk chocolate, oreo-type coookie bits, mint flavoring...it had it all. And it was not, as the package implied, green. Thank goodness.



This post has made me pretty hungry, which is unfortunate as all of these products are no longer available in safe sell-by date form. We may no longer be able to enjoy them, but at least we have our memories. Sigh. Oh, and if any of you knows where to find these, by all means, please share with the class.

She's All That

What happens when you take a handful of teen movie tropes and cliches and roll them all into a conveniently packaged single film? Why, you end up with legions of devoted teenage fans a bunch of grumbling and crotchety grown-up film critics, of course. Teen movies like She's All That serve to prove that the divide between teenagers and adults is still alive and kicking. Or, more accurately, alive and breaking spontaneously into over-the-top song and dance numbers set to Fatboy Slim's "Rockafella Skank." Either way, the reactions just don't add up.

In every film-producing generation, adolescents flock to schmaltzy coming-of-age teen flicks that continually leave most adult viewers scratching their heads. It's a bit ironic, of course, that these films are invariably produced and dictated by roomfuls of adults who seek to crack the code of youth culture. They manage to convince us that the story they're telling is indicative of the plight of young people, despite the fact that the only young people involved played no role in the creative decision-making process. Savvy adults issued the call and we 90s teens and tweens were more than happy to answer.

All youth cultural analysis aside, She's All That swiftly ascended to the rank of widely accepted canonical teen movie. That is, mainstream teenagers in the 90s absolutely ate this film up. I mean, really, would you expect anything less from the director who went on to spearhead projects like From Justin to Kelly? Its monumental success was practically inscribed.

She's All That is loosely based on George Bernard Shaw's 1913 play Pygmalian, the same play that formed the basis of the 1956 Broadway musical My Fair Lady. In case you didn't follow that, the movie was a reinvention of a play based on an older play based on a Cypriot myth, only to later be remade into a musical play that was later made into a movie. That's right, we just can't get enough of these I-bet-I-can-make-that-social-outcast-chick-passably-popular productions.

They teach us such valuable and morally astute life lessons, it's no wonder we like them so much. For example, from She's All That I gleaned that beneath the surface of every pretty girl wearing glasses lies a pretty girl not wearing glasses. I'm going to go out a limb here, but it seemed the message has been diluted just a bit since the Pygmalian story debuted as an ancient Cypriot myth.



BMOC Zack (Freddie Prinze Jr.) is one of the top-performing students in his class, also boasting class presidency and several sports team captainships. He is, of course, also dating the most gorgeous girl in school. Or at least, he was, until she met a self-promoting douchenozzle of a Real World cast member during a Spring Break trip to Daytona. Yes, that's right: Taylor dumps Zack for the dyslexic volleyball player that got voted out of the house. Bummer.

Meanwhile, offbeat social outcast Laney (Rachael Leigh Cook) is classified by her peers as an artsy freak because electrical impulses occasionally run through her brain and she likes to paint. How enlightened.



Zack's buddy Dean bets him that Zack can't turn any girl in the school into the prom queen. It's a pretty quick development, but since our entire plot hinges on it, we've got to go along for the ride. Laney bites it on the pavement right in front of their bet selection panel and thus becomes the chosen one for this twisted though admittedly entertaining high school social experiment.



Laney wants nothing to do with Zack's suspiciously friendly advances, but she just can't say no when he accosts her at work in the falafel shop. She does what any normal girl would do in this situation, which is to invite Zack to accompany her to a quirky performance art piece complete with little blue people and a writhing Alexis Arquette chanting, "Be silent, be still." Naturally, Zack gets invited onstage and improvises a hacky sack-driven expose on the life of a golden boy. Deep.



Zack invites Laney to the beach, everyone suddenly realizes she's incredibly attractive, and she undergoes an impromptu makeover courtesy of Zack's sister. Like in any teen movie, it takes about 3 minutes flat to transform Laney from the sort of ugly duckling you're always hearing about on your Farmville newsfeed to a totally hot swan. Just like real life, right?




We get some Sixpence None the Richer, Laney makes her comic entrance and ta-da! Transformation complete. They head to a party jam-packed with the high school elite and everything seems to be going just great until Zack's ex Taylor publicly humiliates Laney. All of Zack's sister's amateur haircutting skills are no match for Taylor's vicious wrath.

Fast forward a bit and Laney's in the running for prom queen. Dean pulls out all the villainous stops by beating Zack to the punch of asking Laney to the prom. We get our requisite dance number, Zack is the prom king, but all is not well in promland. Dean has plans to put the moves on Laney at a hotel after the dance. Zack hears the news and frantically tries to stop the unfolding of these most unfortunate events.



Laney doges Dean's lecherous advances and Zack eventually catches up with her at her house. He confesses everything, including revelations about the bet and his undoubtedly true love for her, and we all learn a valuable lesson. Especially Zack, who learns that losing a bet means you have to appear nude at graduation in front of the entire commencement crowd.Tough break.




It might not be real life, but we'll take it. So what if Usher never DJed our high school radio station or our classmates never made Greco-Roman mythological style bets about our makeover skills? That's what makes it so entertaining. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get a professionally-trained dance crew together. I think I just heard the opening beat of "Rockafella Skank."

Our Favorite 80s and 90s TV Puppet Pals

If there's one thing we've learned from TV, it's that everything is cuter when a puppet does it. It's a fail-safe formula. A person performs a hackneyed visual gag and we all groan in agony, but an adorable puppet does it and we fall for it hook, line, and stinker.*

It's no mystery that children love puppets, but TV in the 80s and 90s proved that adults have a pretty solid puppet-loving capacity all their own. Puppets often make the best punchlines, giving them an automatic boost in likability in both kids' and grown-up television programming. Plus, they never need a stunt double or act like a diva when it comes to contract renewal. Talk about cutting expenses.

Puppet-studded programs may not be the most highbrow fare on TV, but they have a unique style of entertaining us. They allow us to suspend our disbelief to a point where if we can believe this talking toy exists somewhere in real life, maybe all of the magical features that come along with it are possible, too. These 80s and 90s shows didn't need to be realistic or to feature deeply developed characters; we were perfectly content with our cartoonish, overdrawn cliches. So long as they kept feeding us hilarious puppet gag antics, we were more than happy to partake in spoonful after heaping spoonful.


Eureeka's Castle


Eureeka's Castle was a Nick Jr. gem, giving us a quirky, offbeat world of wizardry and goofy characters. The show revolved around sorceress trainee Eureeka, thickheaded dragon Magellan, peanut butter sandwich-gobbling twins Bogge and Quagmire, the visually impaired Batley, and the vaguely ethnic pushcart proprietor Mr. Knack. The characters were creative and imaginative in a way that bodes well for children's programming. It may not have been highly educational, but it did teach me to fear claymation Slurms. Those things were weird.


Lambchop's Play-Along



If there's one thing kids love more than puppets, it's baby puppets. Have you ever seen a more adorable little sheeplet? When I grew up, I was horrified to find that "Lambchop" referred to a cut of meat. Slicing into it for the first time was pretty traumatic, though luckily there was no stuffing inside. That might have scarred me for life. As a device to distract myself from the lambchop chopping task at knife, I just hummed a few bars of "This is the Song that Never Ends." That seemed to do the trick.


Mystery Science Theater 3000



I think our buddy Joel at MST3K had the right idea. If you're stuck orbiting the earth sequestered on a spacecraft forced by the powers that be to watch n endless stream of B-movies, you should definitely use the spare theater equipment to build yourself some sentient robot pals. You should, of course, name them Gypsy, Cambot, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo. There are pretty much no other options.


Sesame Street



For many of us, this was our first major exposure to puppetry. Or, equally likely, our first exposure to platonic male puppet roommates who share a cookie crumb-ridden bed and know an awful lot about each other's bathtime habits and carrier pigeon preferences. Either way, most of us fell for the cuddly Sesame Street characters, and hard. I mean, a monster who lives in a garbage can? Where do they come up with this stuff?


ALF


Alf Sings "Old Time Rock and Roll" - Click here for the most popular videos

Just when you thought noses couldn't get any more phallic looking than Joe Camel's, you met Alf. And then, you knew. This was the be-all-end-all of vaguely suggestive schnozes. ALF stood for "Alien Life Form", which is how we kindly earth-folk classify floppy-looking brown masses who grew up on the Lower East Side of the planet Melmac. ALF definitely had his moments, but his appearance is just a little unsettling. It just feels inappropriate.


Dinosaurs



If after watching this show you cried out endlessly, "I'm the baby! Gotta love me!" I'm sure your parents were less than pleased with their decision to grant viewership privileges. The show wasn't really directed at kids; it was more of a family sitcom that happened to feature full-size puppet characters. By the time we'd realized this, though, we'd already moved on to gleefully smacking our fathers on their heads with a frying pan while screaming, "Not the mama! Not the mama!"


Muppets Tonight



There have been so many incarnations of The Muppets over the years it's become difficult to differentiate between one series and another, but for the sake of 90s nostalgia we'll single out Muppets Tonight for brief examination. The show hinged pretty heavily on celebrity guest appearances and wasn't especially a standout in the long line of Muppet shows. I must say, though, the Baywatch parodies were worth a chuckle or two.


Fraggle Rock



That is some seriously rockin' theme music. I probably haven't seen this intro since 1992, yet somehow I find myself singing along with a surprisingly adept command of the lyrics. It's catchy, right? It's got that sparkly puppet charm sprinkled liberally throughout. Well done, Jim Henson studios. Well done, indeed.

Fraggle Rock managed to slip in a bunch of heavy issues while we were busy enjoying the musical numbers and highly colorful wardrobe selection. Some of us also spent a fair amount of time giggling over the fact that there was a Fraggle named Boober. I mean, Boober! Can you beat that?


Cousin Skeeter



Who knew a marionette could be such a bad-ass? It probably speaks volumes about my level of maturity that the theme song's phrase, "Skeeter's what I want" amuses me in a slangy double-entendre kind of way. I don't think I've advanced much in behavioral age since the days this show originally aired.


Unhappily Ever After


This show gave many of us an unquenchable desire to own a crass, wise-cracking stuffed rabbit. Mr. Floppy was just so adorable. His looks were, anyway. His personality could probably have used a bit of a tune-up to align with his cherubic appearance, but it all just contributed to his puppety charm.


Weinerville



If you had to pick the most terrifying mode of puppet, I'd say human-head-on-tiny-puppet-body would fall pretty darn close to the top of the list. Weinerville was a Nickelodeon cartoon/live-action variety show based on the comedic stylings of Marc Weiner. The characters were undeniably creative, but they still seem a little creepy to me. Add cross-dressing to the giant head/tiny puppet body mix and be prepared for the wrath of Weinerville.


Whatever the reason, puppets had a hold on us. Maybe we just don't watch enough Nick Jr. anymore, but the proportion of puppets in prime-time programming seems to have persistently plummeted. It's too bad, really. A lot of today's shows could probably use a good puppet boost. Just think: if this weekend's Oscars had used puppet presenters, we'd have been far more likely to push through to the bitter end. Just a thought.




*This is not a typo, it's just a terrible, terrible play on words. Had I been a puppet, you would have been all over that one

Some of the 90s' Most Ridiculous Song Lyrics

It's never a good sign when you can listen to your 2Ge+her boy band parody CD and find its lyrics only marginally distinguishable from its real-life counterparts. Popular music is generally more about entertainment than quality control, but sometimes a song slips onto the charts without passing even the most basic standards of industry. Even the most lenient of genres has got to have its limits.

Apparently these limits aren't particularly stringent, or else none of these songs would ever have been written, produced, recorded, and issued a heavily promoted wide release. It's somewhat troubling to think that dozens of people worked tirelessly for the release of these songs, directing questionable music videos and lobbying for increased radio play. For some reason or other, the natural music selection never phased out these ridiculous songs and they went on to become not only very famous but also highly lucrative. If only I could come up with a good song about a certain style of undergarment or a particular spoke on the color wheel, I'd be set for life. If only I'd thought of it first.


LFO Summer Girls



Luckily, this song was released a time when many guys did indeed seek out girls who favored Abercrombie and Fitch, so it was all in all pretty good timing. This song deserves some type of award for most non-sequitors dropped in the shortest period of time, if only such an award existed. "Summer Girls" utilized every cheap rhyming trick in the book, even writing some new ones on its own with some completely irrelevant but meter-consistent lines.

LFO gave us gems like, "There was a good man named Paul Revere/I feel much better baby when you're near" and "Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speakin'/Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton." It didn't make sense, but if you're good-looking in a classically generic boy band sort of way, you've pretty much got it made. If Rich had ever come up to me in real life and ventured, "Hey, my name is Rich. You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch" I probably would've just gone along with it.


Sir Mix-a-Lot: Baby Got Back



The fact that this song was standard fare at junior high dances and bar mitzvah parties is pretty troubling in itself. We all thought it pretty cool to sing along, shouting out, "My anaconda DON'T WANT NONE unless you GOT BUNS HON! You can do side bends or sit-ups! But please don't lose that butt." I can only imagine what the adults chaperoning along the periphery must've thought. I never really considered the lyrics all that ponderously. I actually sort of preferred the Bill Nye parody version ("Bill's Got Boat" but Sure-Floats-A-Lot), so I think that brands me too nerdy to have been negatively influenced from exposure to this song.



5ive: Baby When The Lights Go Out



Let's lay it all out here: if your group spells its name with a numeric 5, our expectations for the quality of your music will be at best underwhelming. It's just not a great first impression, and certainly not an indicator of substantial musical credentials. My favorite part about this video has got to be that it takes place in a bowling alley. If that's not a seductive setting, I don't know what is. I was sold from their first spoken line, "Yeah, I like that/You know what I mean/You're lookin' kinda fly tonight/What's up, check it!" Pure poetry.


Aqua: Barbie Girl


We always thought it sort of scandalous that in the song, Barbie sang coyly, "Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky." That was only after we looked up "hanky panky" in the dictionary. True story.

This song almost defies commentary, it's just that ridiculous. It's catchy in a generic bubble gum pop way, but the lyrics are completely and utterly ridiculous. Let's just blame it on the fact that English probably wasn't Aqua's first language and move on.


Sisqo: The Thong Song


Did anyone else find the phrase "dumps like a truck" to be just slightly problematic? We're already singing about that general bodily geographic region, so it seems dangerous territory to venture phrases that could possibly be referring to defecation. I'm just saying, it's possibly a poor word choice. "Dumps like a truck"? Really, Sisqo?

This song was huge, and for a brief moment in time Sisqo was the hottest rapper on the charts. The entire song revolves around the examination and study of thong panties. In case you forgot what he was talking about halfway through, he conveniently repeats the words ad infinitum: "That thong thong thong thong thong." Oh, right. That.


No Authority: Can I Get Your Number (A Girl Like You)


I was almost positive this song was a figment of my youthful imagination until recently I heard it playing Muzak style in a restaurant. I'm not totally sure how this was chosen as one of the carefully preselected and focus group-tested songs in circulation for background music. My best guess is that all the focus group participants had a pretty strong sense of humor.

This one is beyond ridiculous. "Can I get your number baby? Hit me with the seven digits!" Or, my personal favorite, "I've seen blondes, and brunettes, and some really hot redheads, but I've never seen a girl like you (seen a girl like you)". It always leaves me wondering just what color hair this chick had if she didn't fall into the above categories. I'd say purple, but you just cant be sure about these kinds of things.


Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby



You've got to give the guy some credit where credit is due. He does, as he claims, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Be careful, though, you might end up killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom. It's all good: if there's a problem, YO! he'll solve it. I'm feeling better already. Even about that potentially hazardous poisonous mushroom situation. Thanks, Vanilla!


Backstreet Boys: Everybody



Some songs go just a smidgen over the top with the audience participation segments, and "Everybody" is no exception. Large stretches of it exist solely for the purpose of our offering our assent via a hearty "Yeaaahh--eahhhh". What we're agreeing to is more or less unimportant. Is he original? Sure! Is he the only one? Why not? Is he sexxxxxuuuual? You get the idea.


Baha Men: Who Let The Dogs Out



You know it's a tough question when we have to punctuate it with a staccato repetition of our leading question room. It's not good enough to simply ask "Who let the dogs out?" No, instead, we've got to back it up with a heartfelt "Who? Who? Who?" It also helps if you divide all of the words into indistinguishable syllables. Case in point "Get-back-you-flea-in-fest-ed-mon-grel." Genius.


Eiffel65: Blue (Da Ba Dee)



I like a song with a narrative as much as the next person, but there is such a thing as taking it too far. The "Listen up" lead-in is a solid attention getter, but they lose us somewhere between describing his little blue house and his blue Corvette. This song lacked meaning to such a point that we had to ascribe meaning to its erroneous "da-ba-di-da-ba-dis", insisting our pals in Eifel65 were really saying something like, "If I was green, I would die" or "I believe I am pie."


Right Said Fred: I'm Too Sexy



I'm all for trashy Europop, but even I have my limits of tolerance. I'm too sexy for my cat? That's just stepping over the line. I just can't take him seriously anymore when he's doing his little turn on the catwalk.


Britney Spears:Email My Heart



Sure, she was young and it wasn't released as a single, but some offenses are just inexcusable. There are some rules here, people. For future reference, here's a major one: if you're gonna record a soulful slow ballad, don't entitle it "Email My Heart." Really, that's all I ask.


Even with all of their glaring flaws, these artists must have done something right. We're still talking about them fifteen years down the road, so you can't deny their cultural impact. Even if their mark on society was writing a song exulting the derriere. We can't all be great lyricists. If this has taught us nothing else but sometimes, sometimes, we just want a song about butts.

Memorable 90s Oscar Moments

In honor of this weekend's forthcoming premier awards show, I thought we might pay some homage to memorable Oscar moments of 90s past. Feel free to wax poetic on your personal favorite Oscar incidences in the comments section. We've got a lot of ground to cover here, so let's jump right in:



Angelina Jolie Kisses her Brother



Yes, yes, I know this happened in 2000, but bear with me here. It was one of those moments that was so utterly appalling we just can't get it out of our minds, even 10 years down the road. Angelina's certainly come a long way from her bad goth-girl Girl, Interrupted days. In her current do-gooder philanthropist/ambassador state, she's almost unrecognizable as that chick who once made out with her brother at the year's biggest award show. Well, unless you watch the above video to remind you.



Billy Crystal Montages


Oscar Intro 1997 Billy Crystal
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Who doesn't love a good cheesy introductory Oscar montage? As a kid, I thought these things were pretty hilarious, and I'm only partially embarrassed to admit I still find it pretty funny. At the time, it was a cutesy but entertaining idea: Billy Crystal inserts himself into various pieces of the Best Picture nominee films. We even get a crazy "UMA, OPRAH, OPRAH, UMA" cameo from Dave Letterman, but more on that later. All in all, not a bad intro. I've seen worse, believe me.



Christopher Reeve's 1996 Appearance


We give out a lot of standing ovations, but here's an example of an undeniably well-deserved one; it truly was an inspirational moment. Reeve urged Hollywood to further tackle difficult social issues and use their media as a means of exploring exploring them. They managed to keep his appearance a surprise up until the final moment, and his words moved many audience members to tears. All in all, a truly heartwarming moment.



James Cameron's "I'm the King of the World!" Speech



Cameron was clearly over the moon upon receiving his Best Director Academy Award, feeling the only reaction was to whoop and holler and quote a corny line from his wildly popular movie. Some people thought it to be overly boastful, but it seems more likely that he was just really, really excited. Whatever the reason, the clip was rebroadcast innumerable times; there's a reason we still remember it today. Who knows what he'll yelp if he takes one home for Avatar. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll just show up in a seven-foot tall blue costume, but there's only so much we can hope for.



Gwenyth Paltrow's Tearful Best Actress Speech



Paltrow took home an Oscar in 1998 for her work in Shakespeare in Love. Her work in the movie was certainly commendable, but her performance at the Oscars probably takes the cake. I'm not doubting that her tears were sincere, but good Lord were there a lot of them. Paltrow sobbed throughout her entire speech. Everyone seemed a little unsure of how to react to her ceaseless river of tears, but she eventually managed to wrap it up. I imagine they needed to do some serious stage mopping during that next commercial break.



Tom Hanks Accidentally Outs His Closeted Gay Teacher


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Tom Hanks was great in Philadelphia and his acceptance speech was certainly gracious. In a well-intentioned move, he thanked his high school drama teacher Mr. Farnsworth and one of his classmates, lauding them as great gay Americans. It was a kind move, but unbeknownst to Hanks, he inadvertently outed his still-closeted teacher. The story actually inspired the movie In & Out, but I can imagine Hanks felt more than a little apologetic about the very public snafu.



Uma, Oprah, Oprah, Uma



Speaking of awkward moments, this one definitely belongs toward the top of the list. Host David Letterman pulled out this bit in 1995, leading to years of speculation of some sort of feud with reigning talk show queen Oprah. Watching the clip, it seems the joke is about their unusual names, as Dave asks, "Have you met Keanu?" Still, it was not a super comfortable moment for anyone involved, including the audience.



Cuba Gooding Jr Wins Best Supporting Actor


Cuba Gooding Jr. Oscar Acceptance Speech
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It was tough not to be happy for this guy. He seemed so genuine, so likable in his role in Jerry Maguire that we just couldn't help but root for him. Gooding managed to come across the same way in his speech, though it did get a bit over the top with him yelling over the producers desperately trying to play him out with the requisite "get-off-the-stage" music. It was obviously a high point for him, though. Any of us who ever saw Boat Trip can definitely attest to this.



Michael Jackson Shows Up with Madonna



First of all, how awesome do Mary Hart and Pat O'Brien look in this clip? So 1991. At the time, the public was abuzz about Michael Jackson and Madonna's Oscar "date". It seemed more like a well-orchestrated publicity move; the two were both incredibly famous and were working on a duet together, so it may have seemed like a logical step. Madonna ditched Michael at the Spago after-party, though, to engage in some heavy petting with Warren Beatty. Ick. I didn't even make that up...that's exactly how People magazine described it.



Jack Palance Does Push-Ups


You know what? If I can do one-armed push-ups at age 73, you'd better bet I'd pull out that age-defying party trick in the most public arena available. Jack Palance accepted his Best Supporting Actor award with a series of one-handed pushups, leading Crystal to joke later in the broadcast that Palance had just bungee jumped off the Hollywood sign. After seeing his impressive show of athleticism, I wouldn't doubt it.



Matt and Ben win for Best Original Screenplay



How can you not find these guys just a little endearing? Their friendship and teamwork, their youth and enthusiasm, it was all more than enough to make us want to root for their inevitable Hollywood success. Plus, they gave Cuba Gooding Jr. a little shout-out for "showing [them] how to give an acceptance speech." Aww.



Marisa Tomei Wins for Best Actress


(My bad--I couldn't find an embeddable clip of her accepting the Oscar. Just enjoy the clip of her in the movie, instead. She's adorable.)

Talk about an underdog story. No one ever expected Tomei to actually win the award for which she had been nominated. Her performance as the sassy, brassy Italian girlfriend in My Cousin Vinny was undoubtedly commendable, but she was up against a group of far more experienced actresses in more serious roles. Tomei's win came as such a shock that it led to a series of speculation that presenter Jack Palance had actually read the wrong name and issued the award to her by mistake. Snopes declares this to be a myth; the Academy was allowed a sense of humor now and then.



We can't foresee what great and memorable moments will unfold at this year's ceremony, but there's always something. Who knows? It may even be as shocking as Tomei's Best Actress coup or as endlessly sobstruck as Paltrow's teary acceptance. We can only dream.

A Blogaversary Treat: Children of the 90s Favorite Analytics Search Terms

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Thankfully, I am the almighty arbiter in ascertaining what exactly constitutes a treat--whether you like it or not. The real question on my mind is, how do all of you get here? I didn't issue any personal handwritten invitations (at least not lately, you see, my calligraphy ink well has run dry), so many of you travel here through the magic of Google. I get about 400 daily visitors who stop by here via Google search, and through the magic of Google Analytics tracking data, I've learned a great deal about what exactly brings people here.

In honor of the blogaversary I totally forgot about yesterday, I thought I'd share with you just a few of the many, many hilarious search terms I've seen in the past few weeks. Apparently the answer to how some of you got here involves some truly bizarre Googling. Don't worry, though, I'm not here to judge. Actually, that was a boldfaced lie. My major purpose is to judge. All in good fun, and all that, but some of these just can't go unsnarked. It would be a disservice to the public to let them go without a brief mocking. Please enjoy the following output of total and utter ridiculousness. All in the spirit of the blogaversary celebration, obviously.



compare contrast essay 90's tv show mash and fresh prince of bell air
Geez, you Googlers sure are philosophical. Whenever I spot a search term like this, I've got to wonder about the motivation behind it. Sheer curiosity? Bizarre academic assignment? Either way, it's sort of an odd pairing.


warner brothers stinky and the brain
You may need a little remedial nostalgia work. Last time I checked, no one named "Stinky" ever plotted to take over the world. I could be wrong.


is 2010 going to be like the 90's
You've got to love these type of questions. I feel like the internet is both a blessing and a curse; it's given us constantly at-our-fingertips access to all sorts of pertinent information, but we can't rely on it for everything. Just ask anyone who's ever cited Wikipedia as a source for a paper. This isn't a crystal ball here, people. What are you expecting? Results found: 1. 1st result: Yes. Happy?


what is self concept of britney spears
I'm not sure, why don't you ask her? Much as I'd like it, my blog has not yet advanced to the stage of setting up shop in celebrities' minds. Ms. Spears has yet to approach me with hopes of sharing her innermost desires and ideals.


children of the nineties official website
Ah, music to my ears. Well, eyes. Whatever the equivalent of eye music is. You know, like visual art. Anyway, these people think I'm official. Not too shabby.


is lisa frank dead?
No?

mr and mrs romero are having triplets. suppose the chance of each child being a boy is 50% and of being a girl is 50%. find each probability.
I spy a cheater. I only wish we'd had the internet and could solve simple word problems by the process of Googlage. What this person thought he'd find at Children of the 90s is beyond me, but I hope he got it figured out eventually.


90s catch phrases no _________ for you
Soup! Soup! It's soup. What do I win?


swallowed a whole role of bubble tape
SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION. Or possibly psychiatric care. Decide quickly, please. Time is likely of the essence.

why did crystal pepsi failed?
I'm not sure, but I think the executives disbanded to address the more pressing issue of widespread grammar abuse.


a children's book about a skunk who makes bread from the 1980s
Why anyone would want to make bread from the 1980s is beyond me. It seems much fresher to bake more up-to-date bread. Then again, if you're a skunk freshness may not be your highest priority. Ah, the wonders of misplaced modifiers.


did carmen san diego ever existed?
I think this one must refer to Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego? How else would you explain all the jumbled tenses?

poop french toast crunch scandal
WHAT??? I've eaten that cereal. For the life of me, I hope this is some type of misinformed urban legend.

cabbage patch kids coming to life and strangling owner
Again...I'm at a loss.

who's that actor whos blond and always plays a douche from the 90s
At least you're getting straight to the point. I suppose Google could care less about your tact.


encino man drinking games
Ooh, if you know any, please share. That sounds awesome. I'd be willing to take a shot every time Pauly Shore referred to "chillage". It would probably enhance the movie watching experience considerably.


how to make a slip and slide on cement
Really? What part of this seems like a viably injury-proof idea. I hope you all wore helmets.



good things about cheese handisnacks
Finding an answer in this case will probably take some pretty serious searching. Especially if you're referring to the nutritional value.



is mrs doubtfire based on a true story?
I probably shouldn't even dignify this with a response. Who saw that movie and left the theater believing it was a ripped from the headlines story? I'm actually a bit concerned.


video of cats vomitting whoomp
HOW did this bring you here? Please explain. 300 words or fewer. Due Friday.


gigapet depression
Do any of you know? Is this an actual phenomenon? I'm tempted to say yes, just because those things are so damn time-consuming and needy. Mine probably suffered from separation anxiety. Thank goodness I dropped it behind a bookshelf and it eventually starved to death.


are those michael jackson's biological children in space jam?
There are so many things wrong with this, I don't even know where to start.


how to remove gak from hair
What exactly were you doing? I'm actually sort of curious. I'd say peanut butter, but you can't quote me on that.


write an introduction on the topic saved by the bell
No. I do what I want.


Remember when aol had all the chatrooms?
Yes.


What do blue m&ms mean?
Oh, so now each of our candy color varieties needs a backstory? What kind of an answer are you seeking, exactly? Some sort of fortune telling-esque omen? They come from the factory like the rest of the colors. That's pretty much all there is to it.


khaki wishes and cookie dreams definition/meaning
I've gotten an inordinate amount of searches like this one. What do you mean what does it mean? It's just a Robin Leach cameo line from Troop Beverly Hills. It doesn't mean anything. I wouldn't overanalyze that movie.


at what part of the song do you start doing the macarena?
I love imagining the kind of person who's too self-conscious to just go with it. They've got to search the internet for answers to their outmoded potential dancing faux pas. It's sort of endearing, if not completely embarrassing.


10 things i hate about you is the one of 90s movie teeny bopper i actually enjoyed
I appreciate your willingness to share.


what's that little redheaded brat in that one 90s movie?
Oh right...her.


lisa frank backpacks children
She DOES? We should stage a boycott.


how to make an aggro crag replica
Let me know if you figure this one out. It sounds awesome. I'll totally come race you on it through the glitter dust snow. Only if I can be purple, though.


how come after i eat warheads my tongue is weird
Just a guess, but that highly artificial tastebud-burning chemical might play a role. I can't say for sure..


90s show that kids traveled into the internet through power lines to battle evil
Was this a real thing? I'd love to watch it.


aren't pushpops also good?
Yes.


use the expression you go girl in a sentence
You just did. Well, almost.


sometimes i tape my thumbs together and pretend I'm a dinosaur
I actually had to look into this one, it's just so ridiculous. I found out it's a variation on a weird Google search autocomplete. Still. Weird. And how exactly did it bring this person here? Some mysterious are probably better left unsolved.


how do i become the next lisa frank
This. Is. Awesome. I really hope someone out there had an answer for you, kid. I'd say a legal name change might put you on the right track, although I can't guarantee you'll be the next. Someone might beat you to it. You better run, not walk, to file that court order.



Well, 90s children, that's about all the fun-poking I've got for you today. Join us again next time for your regularly scheduled installment of Children of the 90s. Oh, and if any of you were the mysterious Googlers in question, 'fess up. I've got so many things I need to ask you...

90s TV Switcheroos: Characters Played by More than One Actor

Oh my gosh, as I was posting this it suddenly hit me--today is my blogaversary! That's right, one year ago today Children of the 90s was born. That's a whole lotta 90s. Lucky for all of you, I won't go the way of this post and suddenly replace myself with a cheap imitation, less credible 90s chronicler...looks like you're stuck with me. Thanks for reading! :)


How many Beckys does it take to complete a series of Roseanne? The answer may surprise you

It's the old Darrin Stevens switcharoo. For one reason or another, the original TV actor exits stage left and is immediately replaced by the next available understudy standing in the wings. Unlike at the theater, though, where they give you the benefit of announcing the replacement, on TV they tend to just proceed with business as usual as if nothing had happened. Never mind the fact that one of our major players was one person one day and someone else the next. All of the other actors simply treat the replacement as if they were the old standard and we're supposed to be immediately convinced that this new actor embodies the character we once knew and loved as another person.

Sometimes there's some brief wink-wink nudge-nudge type of acknowledgment, but for the most part they leave us to fend for ourselves in digesting the adjustment. Imagine if someone in your inner circle of friends came to dinner one night, only it was another person entirely. All of your other friends continue to call the newcomer by the first friend's name and reminisce with him as if he were there all along. The way they're acting, it's enough to make the rest of us have to wonder if we're the crazy ones for not going along with this charade.

The tactic happens more than you might think; sometimes you don't even notice it until you're watching the show in syndication many years later. Whether it's a minor character or a principal player, it definitely requires more than your average level of TV-grade suspension of disbelief. The following are among the most grievous offenders:


Fresh Prince: Vivian Banks


Here is an instance of the most blatant kind of switcheroo: one that occurs with a character who appears in virtually every episode of the series. Vivian (Will's aunt) was initially played by Janet Hubert-Whitten, but she found herself in breach of series contract when she became pregnant. While they wrote the pregnancy into Vivian Banks's storyline, Hubert-Whitten left soon thereafter to stay home with her child. She was replaced by Daphne Maxwell Reid, which might have been fine had the producers possessed the common sense to maintain linearity with the character.

Instead, the new Vivian was starkly different than the original. While Hubert-Whitten's Vivian was career-driven and outspoken, Reid's was a more soft-spoken homemaker. The writers gave a couple of on-screen tongue-in-cheek acknowledgments of the switch ("You know, Mrs. Banks, ever since you had that baby, there's something different about you...") but for the most part the change went unmentioned.



Boy Meets World: Morgan Matthews


The first Morgan Matthews was cute-relief kid sister played by Lily Nicksay. After regular appearances in the first and second seasons, she never appears in the third season, only to reappear in the fourth season played by Lindsay Ridgeway. She was still blonde, but the similarities pretty much ended there. They sought to ease the transition by having her joke, "That was the longest time-out I've ever had!" I guess that time-out made her pretty bitter, because Morgan emerged several times more sarcastic then she had been in the second season.



Friends: Ross's Ex-Wife Carol


Anita Barone was the original Carol, though she appeared in just one episode. All installments of the Ross/Carol saga thereafter played out with Jane Sibbett. Because Barone only appeared in one episode, this switcheroo was able to slip by far more quietly than some of the more blatant offenders.



Roseanne: Becky Connor-Healy


Here's an interesting bait-and-switch tactic: bring in one actress for a fair number of seasons, replace her with a new actor, bring her back, and then finish the series out with the second actress. Talk about confusing. Alicia Goranson was the original Becky, playing Roseanne and Dan's oldest child for the first five seasons. She left to attend college, so the writers started phasing her out in the fifth season based on her decision.

The story, of course, doesn't end there. For some reasons, the writers find it necessary to revive Becky as a series regular, bringing in Sarah Chalke for Becky reinforcement purposes. It's a passable though certainly not entirely excusable switch until Goranson decided she should come back to the show for the eighth season, which she believed would be the final installment. Goranson was not able to fully commit to the role and during the eighth season and she Chalke alternated in the part, leaving the writers grasping at straws writing awkward in-jokes for the obvious switch back and forth. In the ninth and final season, Chalke again took full command of the role and the switch was finally left unmentioned by the cast.



Seinfeld: Frank Costanza, Morty Seinfeld


At least these producers seemed vaguely conscious of the switch: they actually re-filmed some of the Frank Costanza scenes with Jerry Stiller for the syndicated reruns to replace the old shots of John Randolph. At least they're covering their tracks on that one.

The Morty Seinfeld flip-flop was handled differently, as by the time of the switch so many seasons had gone by that Barney Martin was too old to believably fill the role originally cast with Phil Bruns. In the greater context of the Seinfeld universe though, this type of thing was more acceptable. The focus on the minutiae of life left a pretty general disregard for the broader picture, so it wasn't quite the earth-shattering switch we saw in some of the other shows.



Ghostwriter: Gaby



Gaby Fernandez is Alex's little sister, a character whose traits are largely based on the stereotypical kid sister persona. Unfortunately for original Gaby Mayteana Morales, her onset of puberty quickly made her an unlikely fill-in for the tag-along kid sister. The scripts were adapted to portray Gaby as a more mature character, but she was replaced in the midst of the third season by a younger-looking Melissa Gonzalez. The writers clearly breathed a collective sigh of relief that they didn't have to send Gaby out on dates and give her serious adult aspirations, and the new Gaby reverted to the original character mold.


Clueless: Cher Horowitz (TV vs. film)


This one's a little different, as one actress (Alicia Silverstone) portrayed Cher in the film Clueless while another (Rachel Blanchard) took on the role for the eponymous TV series based on the movie. Blanchard wasn't the only newcomer--we also had TV fill-in replacements for the roles of Cher's father and for the character of Josh (Paul Rudd in the film).

All switcheroos considered, perhaps the most offensive were the plot and character changes that ensued in the shift from movie to television adaptation. Plus, everyone's outfits were significantly less cool in the series. Then again, the budget (especially during the UPN years) was probably to blame on that front.



The Golden Girls: Everybody

These ladies are lucky they're hilarious...otherwise all of the discrepancies would be wholly unforgivable

Had any newbie GG writers ever even seen an episode of the Golden Girls? I'm tempted to venture "no" based on the incredibly blatant inconsistencies in the storylines. The biggest offenders were usually the Girls' respective children, who were not only played by different actors but also frequently were suddenly different ages and had totally different physical traits (see: Michael Zbornak, age 29 vs. 23, or Rebecca Devereux fat and then suddenly inexplicably thin).

The other great Goldren Girls' mystery was why they had the same actor play two different roles, sometimes within the same season. Clearly the writers' and casting agents' faith in the viewership was pretty low, meaning that Harold Gould played two of Rose's boyfriends and Paul Dooley played Rose's blind date Isaac Newton and the doctor next door in the Empty Nest set-up...in the same season.


Whatever the reasoning, mid-series replacements generally left us with an uneasy feeling. We trusted these people; we considered them our friends and invited them into our lives in half-hour weekly installments. There was some sense of betrayal when the show we'd so trusted pulled the ol' Darrin Stevens on us and replaced one of its actors with a newcomer. Luckily, we were all pretty adaptable in our budding couch-potato state. In some cases, we forgot there was ever another actor in the first place. So long as they kept us entertained, we'd keep eating up whatever it was they were feeding us: believable or not

90s Compilation CDs

Once upon a time, in a primitively technological world lightyears from today, we couldn't just pick and choose the songs on our albums as we pleased. There was no logging onto iTunes for .99 cents a song with the goal assembling the ultimate playlist. We did have the positively prehistoric predecessor of the mixtape, but it was a far more complex affair. To create your dream compilation required a great deal of finger dexterity to press the record and stop buttons at just the right time as they came on the radio. If you were lucky enough to own a dual cassette player, you could sometimes record from one to another, but the whole process was a bit of an ordeal.

In the time set squarely between the age of the Mix tape and the era of burnable CDs, the music industry offered us an attractive option. For the allegedly low low price of just $19.99 plus shipping and handling, we could be the proud owner of a compilation CD guaranteed to satisfy our urge for a varied playlist within a set theme. Especially before we held the power to create our our own CDs, we relied heavily on these As Seen on TV products for mix tape-style musical entertainment.



NOW! That's What I Call Music


They'd been churning these babies out for years in the UK, but we in the US weren't treated to their compilation glory until 1998. How can you say no to a product whose name is a full sentence? Well, a one-word exclamation followed by a sentence fragment. Either way, it's pretty specific.

English Virgin Records executives conceived these compilation albums as a means of squeezing further revenue out of songs already released on full albums. By reissuing a track, they could continue to make money off of already-released songs. Sounds easy enough, and the formula clearly stuck--in the UK they've reached something like NOW! 438293, though we are lagging a bit behind in the US at a mere 32 albums.

The first US album is chock-full of solid 90s pop hits, which is good or bad depending on your tolerance for cheesy, repetitive music. In my case, this was a mix tape-style gold mine. The first US NOW! featured tracks like Aqua's "Barbie Girl", KC & Jojo's "All my Life", and Hanson's "MMMBop". All in all, a pretty decent pop spread. The franchise has been pumping out album after album, year after year, each time reissuing the season's most-played pop music tracks. The commercials are irritating, sure, but seeing one now gets me a little nostalgic for the NOW!s of years gone by. Buying one featuring songs like Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" just isn't the same experience.



Pure Moods



Watching this commercial is like taking a brief stroll into the depths of my childhood subconscious. I knew it was hiding there somewhere, but it takes that "Ahhhh ay wa oh wa ay waaaah" at the beginning of that commercial to bring it to the surface. This commercial played incessantly during the 90s, though you'd be hard pressed to find someone who actually admitted to owning it. The commercial aired frequently during children and tween-directed programming, though I doubt any of our parents shelled out the $15.99 via check or money order to bring these pure, unfiltered moods to our doorstep via the United States Postal Service.

The best part is how seriously this commercial takes its product. That deep, thoughtful voice-over implies that we simply do not know how to feel if we don't kick back at the stereo with Tubular Bells Part 1 and the X-Files Theme. The only pure mood the X-Files theme ever elicited from me was fear over those freaky aliens, but this montage implies that I'll feel a nirvana-esque New Age level of contentment. I still can't go within 50 feet of an Enya song without immediately being transported back to watching the commercial in my childhood living room, waiting impatiently for Stick Stickly to return for Nick in the Afternoon. It's just that kind of powerful.



Jock Jams



In the 90s we were all about megamixing songs, and the above video is a classic example. Apparently mixing was so 80s by this time; it was all about the mega-mixing. Jock Jams captured the essence of the peppy, active nature of the 90s by giving us a bunch of beat-addled club hits conveniently packaged in a single cheerleader-splattered album. The first volume featured 90s favorite fare like C&C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)", 69 Boyz "Tootsee Roll", and Tag Team's "Whoomp! There it is". It also had some more retro but equally toe-tapping hits like the Village People's "YMCA" and Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2." All in all, not a bad spread.

Some of the songs were sports-themed or focused on competition, but others were simply popular dance songs. In case we forgot the athletic nature of the album halfway through, our ever-helpful Jock Jams cheerleaders would chime in with some sort of a rabble-rousing chant. The series was, as the album covers proclaimed, brought to us by ESPN, so perhaps they just had to keep reminding us that we were engaging in vague act of athleticism. That was the best part about these CDs--they pumped you up and made you feel a bit Sporty Spice. Who cared that you couldn't do a single pull-up in gym class? You could do a great impression of the introductory "Let's get ready to ruuuumble!"

At the time, I don't think I knew anyone who didn't own this CD. It was just like second 90s child nature to collect piles of Jock Jams compilation CDs. It's just what we did. I'm not embarrassed to admit that some of these tracks are still in common shuffling circulation on my workout playlists. Well, I'm not that embarrassed.


I still see commercials on TV for compilation CDs from time to time, but their captivation power over me just isn't the same. There was something uniquely alluring at the time about a mix tape that came on CD. I didn't have to record it off the radio, yet it still seemed to know all of my favorite songs.

Listening to the tracks now just reminds me of how easily entertained my friends and I once were. These days we're not satisfied unless we're watching TV, playing on my computer, and talking on the phone at the same time, but in the 90s we were still susceptible to be moved by the cheesiness of Pure Moods. It's enough to make you want to go buy a copy. If you can still find one, that is.