Thankfully, I am the almighty arbiter in ascertaining what exactly constitutes a treat--whether you like it or not. The real question on my mind is, how do all of you get here? I didn't issue any personal handwritten invitations (at least not lately, you see, my calligraphy ink well has run dry), so many of you travel here through the magic of Google. I get about 400 daily visitors who stop by here via Google search, and through the magic of Google Analytics tracking data, I've learned a great deal about what exactly brings people here.
In honor of the blogaversary I totally forgot about yesterday, I thought I'd share with you just a few of the many, many hilarious search terms I've seen in the past few weeks. Apparently the answer to how some of you got here involves some truly bizarre Googling. Don't worry, though, I'm not here to judge. Actually, that was a boldfaced lie. My major purpose is to judge. All in good fun, and all that, but some of these just can't go unsnarked. It would be a disservice to the public to let them go without a brief mocking. Please enjoy the following output of total and utter ridiculousness. All in the spirit of the blogaversary celebration, obviously.
compare contrast essay 90's tv show mash and fresh prince of bell air
Geez, you Googlers sure are philosophical. Whenever I spot a search term like this, I've got to wonder about the motivation behind it. Sheer curiosity? Bizarre academic assignment? Either way, it's sort of an odd pairing.
warner brothers stinky and the brain
You may need a little remedial nostalgia work. Last time I checked, no one named "Stinky" ever plotted to take over the world. I could be wrong.
is 2010 going to be like the 90's
You've got to love these type of questions. I feel like the internet is both a blessing and a curse; it's given us constantly at-our-fingertips access to all sorts of pertinent information, but we can't rely on it for everything. Just ask anyone who's ever cited Wikipedia as a source for a paper. This isn't a crystal ball here, people. What are you expecting? Results found: 1. 1st result: Yes. Happy?
what is self concept of britney spears
I'm not sure, why don't you ask her? Much as I'd like it, my blog has not yet advanced to the stage of setting up shop in celebrities' minds. Ms. Spears has yet to approach me with hopes of sharing her innermost desires and ideals.
children of the nineties official website
Ah, music to my ears. Well, eyes. Whatever the equivalent of eye music is. You know, like visual art. Anyway, these people think I'm official. Not too shabby.
is lisa frank dead?
mr and mrs romero are having triplets. suppose the chance of each child being a boy is 50% and of being a girl is 50%. find each probability.
I spy a cheater. I only wish we'd had the internet and could solve simple word problems by the process of Googlage. What this person thought he'd find at Children of the 90s is beyond me, but I hope he got it figured out eventually.
90s catch phrases no _________ for you
Soup! Soup! It's soup. What do I win?
swallowed a whole role of bubble tape
SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION. Or possibly psychiatric care. Decide quickly, please. Time is likely of the essence.
why did crystal pepsi failed?
I'm not sure, but I think the executives disbanded to address the more pressing issue of widespread grammar abuse.
a children's book about a skunk who makes bread from the 1980s
Why anyone would want to make bread from the 1980s is beyond me. It seems much fresher to bake more up-to-date bread. Then again, if you're a skunk freshness may not be your highest priority. Ah, the wonders of misplaced modifiers.
did carmen san diego ever existed?
I think this one must refer to Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego? How else would you explain all the jumbled tenses?
poop french toast crunch scandal
WHAT??? I've eaten that cereal. For the life of me, I hope this is some type of misinformed urban legend.
cabbage patch kids coming to life and strangling owner
Again...I'm at a loss.
who's that actor whos blond and always plays a douche from the 90s
At least you're getting straight to the point. I suppose Google could care less about your tact.
encino man drinking games
Ooh, if you know any, please share. That sounds awesome. I'd be willing to take a shot every time Pauly Shore referred to "chillage". It would probably enhance the movie watching experience considerably.
how to make a slip and slide on cement
Really? What part of this seems like a viably injury-proof idea. I hope you all wore helmets.
good things about cheese handisnacks
Finding an answer in this case will probably take some pretty serious searching. Especially if you're referring to the nutritional value.
is mrs doubtfire based on a true story?
I probably shouldn't even dignify this with a response. Who saw that movie and left the theater believing it was a ripped from the headlines story? I'm actually a bit concerned.
video of cats vomitting whoomp
HOW did this bring you here? Please explain. 300 words or fewer. Due Friday.
Do any of you know? Is this an actual phenomenon? I'm tempted to say yes, just because those things are so damn time-consuming and needy. Mine probably suffered from separation anxiety. Thank goodness I dropped it behind a bookshelf and it eventually starved to death.
are those michael jackson's biological children in space jam?
There are so many things wrong with this, I don't even know where to start.
how to remove gak from hair
What exactly were you doing? I'm actually sort of curious. I'd say peanut butter, but you can't quote me on that.
write an introduction on the topic saved by the bell
No. I do what I want.
Remember when aol had all the chatrooms?
What do blue m&ms mean?
Oh, so now each of our candy color varieties needs a backstory? What kind of an answer are you seeking, exactly? Some sort of fortune telling-esque omen? They come from the factory like the rest of the colors. That's pretty much all there is to it.
khaki wishes and cookie dreams definition/meaning
I've gotten an inordinate amount of searches like this one. What do you mean what does it mean? It's just a Robin Leach cameo line from Troop Beverly Hills. It doesn't mean anything. I wouldn't overanalyze that movie.
at what part of the song do you start doing the macarena?
I love imagining the kind of person who's too self-conscious to just go with it. They've got to search the internet for answers to their outmoded potential dancing faux pas. It's sort of endearing, if not completely embarrassing.
10 things i hate about you is the one of 90s movie teeny bopper i actually enjoyed
I appreciate your willingness to share.
what's that little redheaded brat in that one 90s movie?
lisa frank backpacks children
She DOES? We should stage a boycott.
how to make an aggro crag replica
Let me know if you figure this one out. It sounds awesome. I'll totally come race you on it through the glitter dust snow. Only if I can be purple, though.
how come after i eat warheads my tongue is weird
Just a guess, but that highly artificial tastebud-burning chemical might play a role. I can't say for sure..
90s show that kids traveled into the internet through power lines to battle evil
Was this a real thing? I'd love to watch it.
aren't pushpops also good?
use the expression you go girl in a sentence
You just did. Well, almost.
sometimes i tape my thumbs together and pretend I'm a dinosaur
I actually had to look into this one, it's just so ridiculous. I found out it's a variation on a weird Google search autocomplete. Still. Weird. And how exactly did it bring this person here? Some mysterious are probably better left unsolved.
how do i become the next lisa frank
This. Is. Awesome. I really hope someone out there had an answer for you, kid. I'd say a legal name change might put you on the right track, although I can't guarantee you'll be the next. Someone might beat you to it. You better run, not walk, to file that court order.
Well, 90s children, that's about all the fun-poking I've got for you today. Join us again next time for your regularly scheduled installment of Children of the 90s. Oh, and if any of you were the mysterious Googlers in question, 'fess up. I've got so many things I need to ask you...