Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Were you aware that Wikipedia actually has a disambiguation page entitled "anthropomorphic martial artists"? The description of the page reads, "This category contains articles about anthropomorphic animals in fiction who study martial arts." I see. As opposed to anthropomorphic animals in real life who study martial arts. Next time one of your household pets starts showing promising progress in Tae Kwon Do, feel free to create an adjacent Wikipedia page featuring the latter.

Apparently these martial arts-skilled animals are a popular phenomenon, but none more beloved than the original nonsensical backstory of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. An outrageously popular franchise in the late 80s and early-to-mid 90s, TMNT served as a beacon of hope to anyone who ever conceived of a farfetched idea for children's entertainment. Sure, all comic books require some degree of suspension of disbelief, but they generally ask us only to suspend and not to abandon it completely. For Superman or Batman, their backstory at least allows you some insight into their once-normal lives before they became breakout stars in the superhero world. Well, actually, Superman was technically born on the planet Krypton, so maybe you can scratch that. Either way, it still makes more sense that the warped world of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.



Let's break this down a bit. Teenage. Mutant. Ninja. Turtles. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall at this brainstorming meeting.

"Okay, so we've got these turtles. Wait, let me back up for a second. Did I mention they're mutants by means of exposure to dangerously radioactive sludge? Because that's sort of important too. Oh, and they're masters of Ninjustsu, a giant meditating rat taught them that. I'll have to fill in the blanks on that one later, but I swear, it'll all add up when I'm done with it. One last thing: I've been thinking that adult mutant ninja turtles are just not relatable enough for these kids. No, I think we better go for it and make them adolescents. So whaddaya think fellas, have we got a franchise here?"

Against all odds, they did. That story somehow managed to endear itself to children everywhere, who were miraculously convinced that it made perfect sense. The more ridiculous variables writers and marketers added to the story, the more blindly children accepted it as fact that this was just the way that adolescent mutated martial arts-practicing reptiles lived. When told the turtles were partial to pizza, children merely shrugged and asked, "So?" When confronted with the turtle's similarly ridiculous catchphrase, "Cowabunga!" these kids seemed utterly unfazed. Granted, if you explained the turtles were named after famous Renaissance-era Italian artists, you would probably receive only a blank stare in return, followed by the deep suspicion that they were being subjected to something educational against their will.

You can, however, bet that no children batted an eye while explaining the premise to adults. You have to admit, it certainly had imagination.



Wasn't that cartoon intro theme song informative? So you're telling me they're heroes in a half-shell, and they're green? Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, this seems complicated.

While TMNT had several different incarnations and story lines, I am going to keep it simple and focus mainly on the early animated TV series in this brief detailing of our colorful cast of characters:


Raphael (The Red One): Here was sort of a dark, aggressive, future wife-beater type character that any children who liked the color red would eventually aspire to emulate. Sure, he was generally a good guy, but he also was into that whole "I'm a rebellious teenage terrapin" deal. The animated show's theme song describes him as "cool but ruuuuuude", which i always found to be an unspeakably covetable way of being. I yearned for people to describe me as such, but unfortunately my coolness never quite caught up to my rudeness. Raphael was also was skilled in addressing the audience in a Ferris Bueller/Zach Morris style, earning him major cheesy 90s points in my book. He wielded a sai, which I always sort of mentally likened to Ariel's dad harpoon in The Little Mermaid. However, as I promised to gender-neutralize these posts to the best of my ability, I will concede and instead compare it to the fishing harpoons in the Amazon Trail computer game.


Donatello (The Purple One): Depicted as the industrious one, Donatello was the go-to turtle for all you handyman/vehicle-building needs. Pegged as the brain of the bunch, his ingenuity was key to extricating the turtles from many a villain-imposed sticky situation. According to the introductory song, he "does machines", which is certainly as vague a description as I've ever heard. He carried a bo staff, which is essentially an enormous wooden stick for baseball-bat-type pounding situations. I would also like to mention, if for nothing else but my own self-entertainment, that growing up I had a cat named Donatello. Well, technically, I named this cat Donatello and the rest of my family was forced to live with it. Regardless, he lived to be 20 and I credit his namesake's trademark smarts for his prolonged survival against feline odds.



Leonardo (The Blue One): Described the animated series' theme song as the group's leader, Leonardo was our fearless captain. In all truth, I always sort of found him to be edging on goody-goody territory. He's quiet, likes to read, and is generally boring in most other ways. I mean, how many times can you turn on the TV and go, "Ooh, now he's making a sandwich! Now he's being courteous to others! I think he just helped an elderly sewer rat cross the sewage stream"? They tried to spice it up in the live-action series by giving him all sorts of complexes, such as a major sibling rivalry with Raphael. Raphi essentially kicks his ass, but I'm pretty sure we were supposed to chalk it up to boys-will-be-boys grade horseplay. Leo did, however, have a pretty sweet ninja sword.



Michaelangelo (The Orange One): The Spicolli-esque slacker turtle of the bunch, Michaelangelo spent most of his time being carefree and coining annoying catch phrases. He's described in the theme song as a "Party Duuuuuude!" Mikey sat around eating pizza, reading comic books, making wisecracks, and randomly spouting nonsense words like "Cowabunga!" He was inexplicably some variety of California surfer dude, despite the fact that his brothers mostly had region-conflicting accents. I should probably be willing to let go of the stubborn nagging feeling that it's unacceptable for one brother to sound like a Brooklyn-ite and another a California beach bum; I suppose under these circumstances that's probably not the most ridiculous aspect on which to focus. Michaelangelo had a pair of traditional ninja-style nunchucks, which I always thought seemed fairly authentic in a vague interpretation of Asian martial arts culture sort of way.


Splinter (Mutant Rat): This was the guy responsible for imparting such virtuous ninja knowledge onto our ragtag group of aquatic reptilian heroes. The enormous fuzzy Splinter rat in the first live-action film is undeniably frightening, and more than likely cost me a few nights of sleep. And he was one of the good guys.

Terrifying live-action Splinter

Shredder (Evil Villian): Shredder mainly interested me because he was voiced by the dad from Fresh Prince. This guy was their requisite archenemy, though personally I was more interested in his warthog and rhino henchmen, Bebop and Rocksteady. Yes, those were really their names. Don't try to fight it. Embrace the ridiculousness.

Honorable mention: The bad guy with the talking tonsil. I will be forever indebted to anyone who can tell me what this guy's name was, because he certainly gave me a wealth of nightmares that have clearly since repressed any memory of his character's name, rank, and serial number.

This franchise was so sprawling and immense, it's impossible to cover all of its many retellings and reconfigurations. Perhaps the rest of the story is best left for another time, when I can fully explore the glory of the live-action film. I should probably leave this as a cliffhanger, to keep you wanting more TMNT until that day finally arrives.

Along those lines, here's a little teaser for your listening/viewing pleasure. Hopefully it will tide you over till the next installment. I present Vanilla Ice's borderline brilliant Ninja Rap from the first live-action TMNT film. As far as I know, he was totally serious about this song.



Extra credit to anyone who learns the dance to this.